For the first three weeks back at work, Santana eases into a full time surgical load. She knows it's the doing of Shelby, but she doesn't complain. She's not in the mood to argue with her about it, and considering how frosty she's been with her boss since returning, she's not sure she has much of a leg to stand on anyway. She ought to apologize, she knows that, but something in Santana's pride gets in the way, and she just can't bring herself to do it quite yet.
Holly finds her on the last day of her third week back, just as she's finishing up an appendectomy. It's been so long since she's done a surgery with Holly, and Santana knows just by the way she approaches her in the hallway that she's going to ask her to scrub in. Her stomach flutters at the thought, wondering how capable she'll be at performing surgery on a newborn after what her own son had been through, but she knows she has to put her personal life aside. She knows she has to focus on her professional life, and the idea that someday she might want to take Holly up on her offer and get a board certification on neonatology. So she swallows hard, and she smiles when Holly saunters up to her.
"I've got a brand new baby girl with pulmonary atresia, you want in, sweet cheeks?" Holly puts her hand on her hip expectantly, and Santana nods.
"When?"
"Right now. My resident is stuck on a case with Jones, and I need another set of hands."
"I'm in. Let's do it."
Santana's stomach feels off as she scrubs in outside of Holly's operating room. She pushes it down, and she gets her gloves on, following her mentor into the room. On the table is a newborn probably smaller than her own babies were, and she swallows down the bile that rises in her throat. All she can see is Oliver, lying on what may very well be this same table, and she bites her lip hard enough to draw blood. It's difficult, she know it was going to be difficult, but she has to get through this. She has to prove to herself that she's capable of doing it.
"You okay, kid?" Holly asks, looking at her with concern.
"Yeah…yeah. Totally good."
"Are you sure? Because if it's too much—"
"It's not." Santana shakes her head vehemently. "I'm under control."
Holly makes the first cut, and Santana manages to keep her hands from shaking as she watches the tiny heart open up. It's tiny but it looks mostly healthy, and she thinks of her son's brain. Holly saved his life. Holly is going to save this little life. Holly is…probably one of the best surgeons in the world, and to be by her side is an honor.
"Strong little thing." Holly notes. "Like yours."
"Was it…hard doing surgery on him?" Santana manages, watching intently as Holly begins the repair.
"It was even more pressure, knowing he was yours, that's for sure."
"Did I…even get to thank you for it?"
"You did, but you were out of it when you did. So, you're welcome. He's doing well?"
"He is. They're both getting so big so fast. It's weird now that I'm back at work. I come home, and sometimes I feel like they've changed during the day."
"I've heard that. I think you've got some lucky kids, with both you and Pierce as their mothers."
"Britt's better than I am." Santana takes the clamp from Shelby, and looks over her shoulder. "I'm trying though."
"I doubt that. I've seen how Liam looks at you, and if you're half as good of a mom as you are a surgeon, I'd say you're successful."
The surgery takes three hours, and conversation slows as they work to fix the heart. Santana feels like she doesn't really breathe until she stitches up the tiny chest, and watches the vitals on the monitor improve. Once the baby is in recovery, Santana goes up to her office, and she sits in her scrubs as she looks again on her computer at neonatology. There's a pull she feels toward it, but she knows she still can't make the leap. She knows that with two newborns and a four year old at home, she just can't commit to this. But still, it's in her head. Still, she might talk to Brittany about it…eventually.
Brittany ends up getting stuck in her last surgery late, so Santana goes home to the kids herself. Her mom, as usual, has the house under control, and bidding her goodbye, she puts two baby seats on the kitchen table and slides over a step stool for Liam so she can get dinner started. It's just an easy vodka sauce recipe she found, but Liam giggles and grins as he pours a can of tomatoes into a pot, gripping it tightly.
"Mommy Noodle, I misseded you today! Did you do any good surg'ries?"
"I did." Santana smiles. "I helped fix the heart of a baby even littler than Max and Ollie."
"Like Doccer Holly fixeded Ollie's brains?"
"Just like that." She manages a laugh. "I was helping Dr. Holly today, since she's the very best at doing surgeries on little babies."
"No, Mommy Noodle." He says seriously. "You and Mama are the bestest doccers in the whole wide world."
"Sir." Santana wraps her arms around him and just squeezes him to her chest, completely enamored with her sweet little boy.
"I'm gonna be a doccer too. I'm gonna fix all the skins on the kids, then I can be just like Mama and just like you!"
"We'd like that a lot, Liam. But we'd like anything you ever decide to do."
"What's everyone up to in here?" Brittany comes into the kitchen, still wearing her shoes and her jacket, and wraps her arms around Santana's waist from behind. Santana breathes in the coldness from her outerwear, and tilts her head back for a kiss.
"Mama! You're home! We're cookin' dinner! I did the tomatoes!"
"Did you?" She lets her kiss on Santana's lips linger for a moment before she lifts up Liam and tickles his side. "I'll remember that when I eat."
"Okey Mama! But we have to move the babies! They're sleepin' on the table!"
"Sounds like a good place to sleep!" Brittany laughs, then squeezes Santana's shoulder, leaning into whisper in her ear. "Missed you today."
"I missed you too…not even a second to spare when one of us wasn't in surgery."
"I saw Holly on my way out. You're okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. It was good to like…I don't know, pay it forward or something. I was freaked at first, but I was with Holly, so…"
"So everything went well."
"Exactly." Santana kisses her again, nuzzling her neck. "How did your last surgery go?"
"Not bad, just long. Thanks for cooking."
"Yeah, totally. I considered pizza, but since it would be the third time this week we fed it to Liam, I figured I could pull something together."
"It smells great. I'm going to go change out of this outfit and wash up, okay?"
"Definitely." Santana smiles at her, tugging the zipper of her coat. "Pasta is going in now, so you have ten minutes."
Brittany comes down to dinner in sweatpants and the long sleeved Brigham and Women's t-shirt that Santana always thinks she looks really sexy in. Though the twins took a late nap, by the time dinner is done, baths are ran, and Brittany holds them in her arms while Santana lays on Liam's bed in her jeans reading to him, they're beginning to conk out again. Together, they bring them into the bedroom, and once Santana changes into a long t-shirt, she sits and lets them nurse slowly, before they're out for the night. Brittany grabs the baby monitor, and they go downstairs, set on actually staying up past nine on a Friday night.
While Santana finds a movie for them, Brittany makes popcorn, and once Wonder Woman is playing—despite it being the third time they've watched it—Santana lays her head on Brittany's shoulder, content to be so close to her. About halfway through, Santana begins to play with the strings on Brittany's pants, and then, before she can stop herself, she's kissing up her collar bone, feeling really revved for a good on the couch makeout session with her wife. It's been a really long time, but once she's laying on top of Brittany, lips latched on to the soft bit of skin at the hollow of her throat, she remembers how much she loves this, how good it feels when Brittany's heart is pressed up against hers, and she can feel the warm skin of her abdomen under the palms of her hands.
They kiss for a long time, until Santana lifts her head, and looks deep into Brittany's eyes. She can feel Brittany studying her face, and she gives her a seductive smile, one she hasn't practiced in months. They've been going through the motions, sharing intimacy in other ways, but tonight, nine weeks after Santana gave birth, she feels like maybe she's ready. Feels like the time is right to go to bed with her wife. Feels like she remembers how much she was missing during her long recovery.
"Do you want to go upstairs?" Santana breathes, kissing Brittany's chin after she speaks.
"Do you?"
"Yeah…I think so."
Brittany turns off the television and grabs the monitor before she takes Santana's hand and leads her up the stairs. They get just outside the bedroom when Santana stops, making a face.
"I'm sorry…I know Roz said it was fine, and the ABP says it doesn't fuck up child development because they have no idea what's going on, but…can we go in the guest room? I'm…not comfortable having sex when they're sleeping in there."
"Yes, yeah, of course, Santana. Whatever you want." Brittany nods, hair tousled and lips swollen from their kissing.
Once they get into the guest room, Brittany pulls back the comforter on the bed, and Santana perches at the edge. She's a lot more nervous than she expected, and she picks at her fingernails as she deliberates her next action. For her part, Brittany gently touches Santana's shoulders, urging her to lay down, and when she does, they're face to face, Santana's bare legs tangled with Brittany's covered.
"Where can I touch you?" Brittany murmurs, stroking Santana's hair.
"I want to touch you first. It's been so long, and I just…want to make you feel good."
"Okay." She nods, gasping as Santana's hands glide up under her shirt and cup her breasts. For Santana, it feels so good to have the soft skin in her hands, and she sucks in a breath as her thumbs trace over hard nipples. "Feels good already."
Santana doesn't remove her shirt, but instead, continues to play with her breasts beneath it, allowing the fabric to act as an additional source of arousal as she alternates between touching her skin to skin, and rubbing her above the shirt. When she finally has her wife sufficiently turned on, she slides down her body, lifting her shirt to kiss the flat plane of her stomach, then slipping off her pants to reveal her naked sex. It's obvious Brittany wasn't expecting this tonight, and Santana smiles, appreciating how her wife looks, perfectly naturally. Gently, she parts her legs, and she settles on her elbows between them, licking her lips. She loves to go down on Brittany, but she knows tonight, after so long, will be better than usual.
She uses her fingers first, parting Brittany, and massaging the bundle of nerves beneath. Santana watches Brittany's face as she sucks in air, and then she leans her head down, pressing a kiss to her sex, before pressing the flat of her tongue where her fingers had been. She realizes, as she works against her, that Brittany must not have even touched herself in the months since they'd last been intimate, because she comes quickly, wetness coating Santana's tongue. She wants to bring her to a second orgasm, but Brittany gently presses at her shoulders, bringing her back up to kiss her mouth.
"Let me love you, Santana, please." Brittany croaks, gently lying Santana on her back.
The vulnerable position makes Santana's muscles tense, but she tries to push the feeling down. It had felt so good to pleasure Brittany, and yet, she finds herself almost sick with worry over Brittany pleasuring her in return. Though she tries to hide it, Brittany notices, and she quickly stops touching Santana, and looks her deep in the eyes.
"You're really tense. Do you want me to stop?"
"I…I think I just need to relax for a second."
"Here." Brittany helps her onto her side, and presses into her back. "Let's slow down for a minute, and I'll rub your shoulders?"
"Yeah. That sounds really good, actually."
Brittany begins slowly, digging her thumbs into Santana's shoulder blades to relieve the tension that always seems to build there. Santana lolls her head back, enjoying how good that feels, and she lets her body melt into Brittany's hands. After a long time of that, she takes one of Brittany's hands, and she brings it to her breast beneath her shirt. She feels a little leakage, but she doesn't let it freak her out. Instead, she focuses on how good it feels to have her wife's hands on her. Focuses on how deeply she'd missed being connected like this. This is a good position for her tonight, half in Brittany's embrace, and she closes her eyes, just feeling as her wife slowly and adoringly touches her still baby-softened body.
Carefully, Brittany's hand creeps down Santana's body. She feels it on the soft and dimpled skin of her stomach, still so loose from carrying twins, and she feels it caressing the insides of her thighs. She'd shaved for work today, so the skin on her legs is smooth, and in a moment of vanity, she feels grateful for that, grateful that there's something she feels is sexy and desirable about her body, when she feels at her least. When Brittany's hands dip into her panties though, Santana is stricken by how different she feels, and it takes her a moment to realize quite what it is.
"It's the medication." Santana mumbles, turning to bury her face in Brittany's shoulder. She's embarrassed, and she hates that this is a side effect. "It's not that I'm not turned on."
"What can I do?" Brittany whispers, letting her fingers slip out for just a moment while Santana works out what's going through her head. "I don't want to do anything that's going to cause you discomfort."
"I want to feel you make love to me. I need it. I just…I need a glass of wine, any maybe—" Heat floods Santana's face, and she finds her hand to scrub at it. "There's…um…that lube in our bathroom cabinet from when we had to give Liam that enema."
"Stay here, okay? I'll be right back with both things. But we can—"
"I know." Santana nods. "Thank you. But I don't want to."
While Brittany leaves the room, Santana lays on the pillow, feeling ashamed of her own body. When she'd first been medicated, she experienced side effects like this, but by the time she was with Brittany, they'd subsided years ago. Now though, with the increase in dosage, likely coupled with her anxiety about exposing herself after birth, she's embarrassed by her inability to control her own body, and she hates that she…feels so dry, despite how turned on she feels by all of the kissing, and touching, and pleasuring of Brittany.
When she comes back, Santana is lost in her head, but she takes the glass of red wine from Brittany's hand, and knocks it back in one gulp. She lays back down, and feels Brittany's lips on her shoulder, a gently reassurance that it's going to be okay. With that, she slides her own panties down her legs, and she spreads her legs a little, making a space for Brittany. When the cap pops softly, she turns to watch Brittany coat her fingers, and there's this odd swell of love for her, like accommodating her sexual inadequacies makes Santana adore her all the more.
"If you're not comfortable, we'll stop, okay?"
"I'm okay…with you, I'm always okay."
"I love you, Santana." Brittany whispers, carefully bringing her hand back down between her legs.
Santana brings Brittany's other hand back up under her shirt to cup her breast, and she leans her head back into the crook of Brittany's neck. She lets herself feel the experimental touches of Brittany's fingers on her sex, and she holds her breath as she softly pinches her nipple. Her whole body feels different, but it's not baddifferent. She just needs to adjust. She just needs to get out of her head and be in the moment.
"Feels good." She murmurs, as her clit jumps a little, and she can feel some natural moisture begin to form.
"You're sure?"
"Uh huh. Yeah. Keep doing that."
It's definitely not a sprint, and Santana wonders how Brittany's hand doesn't cramp with all the time she spends massaging, curling, thrusting, trying to find just the right pace to bring her to the edge. When her orgasm finally comes, it's not an eruption, but a slow throbbing that peaks gently. She leans back, and she kisses Brittany's lips, holding her there like that, taking all of her in. She's in love with this woman, even more for all they've been through, and she clamps her thighs, keeping Brittany's hand right where it is to extend her gentle orgasm.
"Sorry that was…" Santana trails off, nuzzling her nose.
"Do you feel okay?" Brittany frets over her, but doesn't move her hands from where they are.
"I feel really good. It's…the medication that makes everything…different. But you feel really good inside of me."
"I've missed being inside of you."
"I'm sorry it's taken me so long to be ready for it. I just…I don't know."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. You've been physically and mentally recovering from a lot. I would never expect you to do something you weren't ready for."
"I can't believe we're still half dressed."
"I can." Brittany laughs. "We've done this before."
"You always seem to be wearing that shirt when we do. I think I have a thing for it."
"The shirt, hmm?" She teases, peppering kisses over Santana's clothed shoulders.
"Or the woman wearing it…you know."
"Can I carry you to bed?"
"To show me how strong and sexy you are?" Santana giggles.
"I suppose for that reason. But also because I know you're like a spaghetti string after sex, and I was going to let you avoid having to get up and walk."
"A spaghetti string? I resent that."
"Is it not the truth?" Brittany slides her hand from Santana's breast and tickles her side.
"It's a little bit the truth. But really, I can walk, and then I want to cuddle the shit out of you."
"Oh, the way with words you have." Brittany laughs.
They get up, and leave the bed to be taken care of in the morning. After they take turns in the bathroom, Brittany gets into bed, and Santana crawls in beside her, laying in Brittany's arms so they're face to face. She's a total postcoital cuddler, and she can't stop pressing soft kisses to Brittany's mouth.
"I love seeing you so happy."
"I love feeling so happy. I'm not ready to drop the dosage on my medication, but…I feel like I'm doing better. The kids are all doing really well, work is going along, Mom isn't too overwhelmed yet by being here all day, and…you and I are good again."
"Were we not good, honey?" Brittany asks, furrowing her brow.
"I don't know…I didn't make it easy for you to deal with me, and I…expected a lot of you when I was going through what I was going through. I couldn't have done it without your support though."
"I promised you before you got pregnant that I'd be what you needed me to be for you. That included afterwards."
"I'm glad we got two for one on this, Britt. I don't think I could do it again."
"I know." She nods. "After the pregnancy you had, I wouldn't want you to. But I appreciate it more than words can even express. I'm not young, and I would have been high risk had I been the one to do it, so I'm so grateful that you could."
"You don't regret that you didn't get to?"
"I don't. When I decided not to have a baby on my own, I sort of knew that I wouldn't be doing it ever, and I guess for the most part, I assumed I wouldn't have kids. But then I got Liam, and then you gave me Max and Oliver. That means more to me than experiencing pregnancy."
"I'm glad I got to do it with you. As hard as it was, I think it's the most intimate experience I ever could have shared with you."
"I think so too. Sometimes I miss feeling your little belly between us."
"There was nothing little about my belly." Santana nods over to where the twins lay sound asleep. "Had to fit those two kiddos in there."
"Cute ones too." Brittany smiles softly. "So what's next for us?"
"Another certification maybe." Santana blurts out, though she didn't expect to say it.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. No." She shakes her head. "I don't know. Not right now, I don't think. But you know how I get every time I'm in surgery with Holly."
"I do know, and that's why I think that whenever you're ready, you should do it. You love neonatology, and it would be so good for the trajectory of your career."
"I just don't want to be that mom. I'm afraid if I take on another thing, I'll have even less time than I already do with them."
"Why don't you sit down and have an honest conversation with Holly, and then with Shelby? If you can swap some of your surgical hours out, maybe it won't add too much to your workload. That's what I did when I got my head and neck surgery certification. It's studying for the boards that are the most work, but you've got time before those come up."
"Yeah…maybe."
"I'm not saying you have to decide tonight." Brittany rubs Santana's back. "But if it's something you want, we'll work it out so you can go for it."
"Do you know how much I love you, Britt?"
"I think I'm pretty sure of it."