Chapter 13

When the old white farmhouse came into view, still standing and with no sign of any living people around it, there an odd feeling that twisted around inside of Daryl's chest. He knew he should shove it back down again, or at the very least ignore it. Only a damned fool got attached to a place he was squatting in, like it was actually his or something.

He'd walked away from Merle to come back here. Just got on the bike and come back here, to the place he was building with the woman behind him. Her arms were comfortable around his waist, her warm breath on the back of his neck was, if not exactly pleasant, no longer uncomfortable as long as he remembered it was her. And this place, bigger and sturdier than anywhere he ever slept before, Hershel's place, felt like theirs.

"Looks good," Carol whispered. "Kitchen door?"

Daryl nodded as he was sliding off the bike waited for her to take up her regular position.

Everything was exactly as they left it, and Daryl blew out a breath and shook his arms, relieved.

"Every time, I'm afraid we'll lose it," Carol whispered, rubbing her upper arms like she'd taken a chill.

Daryl nodded at her. "Yeah. Might shoulda tried to talk Merle into coming. And Jerry. Know him, he's a good guy. More hands, y'know? Somebody could guard the place while we went out and got shit."

She hummed at him distractedly, stretching as she walked toward what was left of their food stash. It was smaller than he liked. She had two or three in gathered together like she was going to take them to the fire, and there wasn't even a fire lit yet. She wasn't looking directly at him, either.

"You don't want him here. That's why you ain't sayin' nothing."

Her head came up quick, her eyes wide. "No. That's not it."

"Yeah? What is it, then?"

"I'm afraid of him."

"He's an asshole, but he ain't gonna hurt ya."

"That's not it. It's stupid, and selfish, and I'm probably wrong, anyway. We should just decide on supper, have a nice meal, and then I'll take first watch."

"Nah. We don't work like that. You got somethin' to say, you say it."

Carol opened and closed her mouth three times before she took a deep breath and said, "I don't think you want him here," Carol whispered. "I think you want him sober, and you want him safe. And if you had to choose one of those, you'd choose sober. Because he can be sober without being safe, but he can't ever be safe without being sober. I think what you really want is for him to be next door, or down the block. That you want him here but not right here. But I also know that I probably think all of those things because I'm afraid. I'm not afraid of him because I think he'll hurt me physically. I just…. I'm afraid that now that you've found Merle everything will change." her voice faded away and she shrugged. She still wasn't looking at him.

Daryl's chest felt tight, and he could feel panic creeping up on him. It was hard to breath. He couldn't have put what he was feeling into words in a month of Sundays, but she came close. Every now and then she said something that made him feel like she could see inside of his head, and that freaked him out more than a little. He didn't realize he was pacing until she mumbled an apology at him.

"You're right. Not—he ain't changin' nothin. I want his help. I want people to watch the place while we go out scavenging because we need shit. I want to trade off watch so we can sleep all night more nights. I want help buildin' fences and digging walker traps, and I want somebody to help fix that damned generator. I'd like having a Doc around in case somebody got hurt. All that shit sounds real good 'til I think about other people in this house with us and then I—I like it bein' just us. This decidin' things between us? I like that."

She was smiling at him, now. It was his favorite of her smiles, too, all soft and sweet looking. If somebody told him a year ago that he would have such a thing as a favorite smile from somebody else, he'd've called 'em a pussy and knocked their teeth out.

Shit.

He'd gone all soft on Carol Peletier. He'd kind of suspected for a while. Sometimes he'd be looking at her and something would shift inside him and he'd have to take a walk before he embarrassed himself like a damned teenager, but that was just biology. Never could stand being touched enough to do anything like the things he sometimes thought about doing with her, and he wouldn't ever in a million years do things with her the way he'd done them with other people. That was just nature, though. It wasn't feelings. Not feelings to the extent of the ones that were currently rushing through him. She was his friend, dammit. He never, not one time, had a real friend that wasn't Merle, and now he'd gone and screwed it up. This wasn't something he was going to be able to solve with a few minutes of privacy and his own hand. This was serious heart shit, and it snuck right up on him.

"Daryl?"

And of course, she noticed. She had to notice, didn't she?

"Gonna get some firewood," he said, the words coming in a rush. Shit.

She said something as he was passing through the door, but he didn't really hear it over the noise in his head and he sure as shit was not going back in there and asking her what she said. He made his way to the wood pile and tried to let the rhythm and the physical activity settle his stomach. It wasn't a big deal. It wasn't. It didn't change anything.

If he had to choose between living with Merle and living with Carol, he'd choose Carol. Not just for today because Merle was likely in a mood over Daryl's defiance, but…shit. And she knew. Of course, she knew. But she hadn't gotten all weird on him or anything. It didn't seem to bother her any. She smiled, even. And he wasn't gonna try to climb all over her or anything. There wasn't any way in hell she wanted that, and that was fine with him. Hell, they'd just now started to be able to stand to be all up in each other's space.

Now that he thought about it, they'd been working their way to something more than they were for a long time, and his dumb ass finally figuring that out didn't change anything.

But what the hell did he know? It could all be in his head. She might not know a damned thing, either. For all he knew, now that Spring was here and the weather was starting to warm, she wouldn't even want to sleep next to each other.

"Daryl? Are you okay?"

He was so lost in his thoughts he didn't hear her approach until she spoke, and he nearly jumped out of his skin. "Fine."

She was five feet away from him, barely visible in the fading light, her arms wrapped around her waist. "You stopped working but didn't come inside. I just—well, dinner's ready."

Why was there so little oxygen out here? He couldn't catch his breath for the life of him. "Yeah? What're we havin?"

"I mixed a box of Mac and Cheese with a can of chilli."

"That's some good shit," he said, grinning. See, nothing changed. Everything was good. It was gonna be fine. No problem.

She rolled her eyes at him as she turned to go, "If you say so. You owe me, Dixon."

Carol hated mac and cheese mixed with canned chilli. She thought it was just a way to turn two good things into one awful thing. The only reason she would ever willingly make that was because she knew he liked it. He knew that about her. He knew it the same way he knew that she was worryin' right now about how she coulda made him mad at her, even though he was the farthest away from mad that a man could get. He knew she was trying to get the mood back that they'd had this morning on the road, the one where she teased him just enough to dance on the line between amused and uncomfortable, but never enough to cross that line.

So that's it, then. There was no hope for it now. Daryl had never in his life, not one time, quit anything he. He held onto things as tight as he could until they slipped away from him, which they always did. Nothing to do but deal with it.

He loaded himself down with firewood as much to gain himself another minute as anything else. There was a stack next to the fireplace that would get them through the night easy. By the time he got inside, she already had everything dished out and had taken her place on the mattresses in front of the fireplace.

Everything still seemed a lot closer than it had before, sort of closed in and awkward. He hated when they got awkward. It just felt wrong in a fundamental kind of way. Like waking up to a green sky and blue grass. His bowl was filled to overflowing, a can of soda on the floor nearby. Everything set up the way they liked it.

"So, your turn to start," he said. They always did the question thing at night. His stomach was all twisted up with worry that she'd ask why he run out earlier like his ass was on fire, but if she did, he would just answer her. Because that's what they did.

But she didn't, because Carol knew him at least as good as he knew her, and when she opened her mouth it was to ask, "If you could go anywhere and see anything, where would you go? Before, I mean. When it was possible."

This was the part where Merle would say something crude that anybody in their right mind would smack him for, but whatever girl he was with would giggle and jump his bones for it.

And why the hell would he go thinkin' a thing like that? That was the kind of shit that always annoyed him about his brother. He'd refused to act like that, especially toward Carol.

So, he shoved that voice right out of his head and said, "Alaska."

She raised her eyebrows, "You didn't have to think long about that one."

"They got whole spaces up there still where people ain't screwed things up. Got woods for days and days. Different, though, because of the difference in climate and shit. Be like being a kid, have to learn everything all over again. Always wanted to see it. And Yosemite, too, but I read that there's always lots of folks there and that would probably kinda ruin it. What about you? Where you wanna go?

"I don't know. Yours is really good. It makes mine seem like a cliché."

"You gonna forfeit on your own question?" Daryl grinned. "Ain't never won that fast!"

"You've never won! You aren't winning now! Fine, I want to go to Delphi."

"Like, and talk to the Oracle?"

Carol grinned, "Not so much that as — it's just really, really old. Something about there still being evidence of people there, thousands of years later, I just want to see it." She shrugged. "It's nowhere near as cool as yours. I think I might rather go with you."

Knowing that she was talking about an imaginary trip did nothing to keep his stomach from going all funny on him. This was getting' ridiculous.

Just gonna take some time, he thought. Get used to it, and then everythin' can go back like it's supposed to be.

"Okay, my turn. If you could pick one thing that we ain't got and we'd have it, what would you pick. And no cheatin' and saying 'lifetime supply of' something."

"I want two," she said, without hesitation.

"Damn, you been givin' that some thought."

Carol nodded. "Of course. Haven't you?"

"Nope. And you're stallin'."

"I can't pick."

"Sure ya can."

"Well, if it's one, I'll have to say a chicken. For eggs."

"What's the other one?"

"A cow and a bull. We could have milk, and cheese, and butter. And eventually meat, too."

"Need something stronger than the fences we got to have either of those. Just walker bait."

Carol shrugged, "That's true, but that wasn't your question. A way to safely have the thing I wanted was implied."

"Pffft. Think you mean inferred." She gave him a look that heavily implied he was full of shit. "Ask your damned question."

Daryl shifted into a more comfortable position and gave her his best innocent look. "I'm waitin'. You stumped?"

This feelin', he thought. This is what folks mean when they say it's good to be home. If they were nothing other than this forever, he could live with that.