The first days after Brittany's surgery are difficult. Santana is used to being the one who tends to get snappish, but with Brittany in so much pain, it's her turn. Every morning, she comes down stairs and a half hour later, she gets so frustrated by her parents fussing over her that she goes back up to bed and starts working on her computer. Santana tries not to get upset with her but she finds it so hard when Brittany isn't listening to what Sue said, when Brittany isn't doing the relaxing that her body needs to heal.
As much as Brittany is frustrated by her parents, Santana doesn't know what she would do if they weren't there. Even when they go house hunting during the day, they take Liam with them, giving Santana time to just focus on Brittany while Max and Oliver are sleeping. Though Brittany tries not to take the Vicodin every four hours, the pain gets so bad that she can't even think straight and she cries out in pain in such a way that makes Santana feel like she's going to be sick.
"Brittany?" Santana opens the door to the bedroom quietly, in case Brittany is sleeping. Instead, she sees her sitting up in bed, quietly staring into space. "Are you okay?"
"I just...I feel...Santana. I feel angry and sad and...useless. My leg hurts all the time, I keep getting frustrated with my parents and Liam and you. I can't work, I can't help with the kids...I just..." Brittany starts to cry and Santana sinks slowly down on the bed and picks up Brittany's hand.
"Hey, Britt, it's okay. It's going to be okay."
"I'm scared every minute of every day right now. We've both seen it on med school rotations, patients that get injured and get hooked on opioids. I keep trying not to take these pills and every time I don't I feel like I'm going to die."
"Baby, you had major surgery four days ago, you shattered two bones in your leg. No one expects you to be able to stop taking the Vicodin so quickly."
"I know that, I do, but I just don't know how to be like this. I feel like I'm on another planet, I can't focus, my head feels cloudy, you're doing everything for the boys and...it's just hard not being myself."
"You know I understand that. Just tell me, what can I do?"
"I really, really don't know."
"Let's lay down for a little bit. Your parents insisted on taking the boys with them to look at this house, which I personally think they were crazy for offering, but I couldn't talk them out of it. I'm here, it's just you and me." Santana soothes, helping Brittany lay back down. "I love you, Brittany Pierce. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. You're my rock, my love, my soulmate. I'm here."
"I don't want your anxiety to get bad."
"I need you not to worry about me, I'm okay. I just want to take care of you. You take care of me and worry about me all the time. Your parents are here, my mom's been over, I have help. Lay your head on my chest, listen to my heartbeat. That always helps me when you do that."
"I've always been so in control."
"I know, but you're hurt. It's okay to let someone else take care of you." Santana promises, stroking Brittany's hair.
"Thank you, Santana. Thank you."
Santana lies with Brittany for a long time. The house is quiet and just whispering soft words to her until she falls asleep is exactly where she needs to be. She's usually the worried one, the one who's convinced the worst is going to happen, so it's an odd role, talking Brittany down from feeling the same. But Santana does it, she wants to make sure she's okay, that's all she ever wants, and though truth be told, she has been an anxious wreck since she found Brittany in the kitchen, helping her calm down actually calms Santana herself.
Once Brittany is asleep, Santana goes back downstairs and picks up Liam's toys. She starts a bean soup that she read about in the Times and she slowly sips a glass of wine. She'll have to go back to work in three days, but Pierce and Whitney are staying. They'll be there for Brittany, they'll help Santana's mother with the boys. In all of this, she's most grateful that they're moving to New York. For one single second she can't imagine how she would have handled the last four days without them. They love their daughter something fierce, they love their grandsons, and probably most shocking to Santana, they actually love her too.
"Mommy Noodle." Liam creeps into the kitchen, using his softest voice since he knows Brittany may be sleeping and she needs her rest. "Gramma and Grampa are gonna buy the little house. They told me in the car."
"Really?" Santana looks over to where Whitney and Pierce are by the front door, each of them holding one of the twins. "Was it a good house?"
"It was a really good house, it has a swing set and everything!"
"Then this is really big news." She smiles, not scolding him for raising his voice in his excitement. "I think when Mama gets up, she'll really want to celebrate."
"When is she gonna get better?"
"It's going to be awhile, Sir. Remember, she got hurt pretty badly?"
"I miss playing with her."
"I know you do, but if she feels up to it tonight, maybe we can read some stories in our bed so you at least get that."
"Okay, Mommy Noodle." He nods solemnly, though Santana can still tell he's sad.
"Why don't you help me with Max and Oliver and then we can hear all about the new house."
Whitney and Pierce are overjoyed to tell Santana everything. They made a full price offer and they're just waiting to hear if it's accepted before they get too excited, but it all sounds good. Santana thinks that Brittany getting hurt made everything seem even more urgent for them to get to New York and she gets it. If it were one of her children, she wouldn't be able to be so far from them when something went wrong and all of that is just exacerbated by the loss of Olivia.
When everyone is done eating, Santana makes a bowl of soup and carries it up the stairs to the bedroom. Brittany is just waking up and Santana places the food on the nightstand for her. They both know that she really should be coming down to dinner, but the medication seems to impact her more than normal. It worries Santana, but she doesn't want to make a big deal out of it unless it becomes a real issue. It has only been a few days, the anesthesia is still wearing off and it's okay if Brittany is utterly exhausted.
"Your parents found a house." Santana tells her softly. "In Massapequa, so they'll be pretty close."
"Really?" A smile creeps into Brittany's face. "So they're really coming."
"As long as their offer gets accepted, then yeah. You'll have them back around."
"I know I freaked out about the moving thing, but you don't know how happy that makes me."
"I do. It's going to be good for all of us."
"I'm sorry Santana, that I'm taking everything so hard right now. I know that when you were pregnant I was pushing you to stay home even before you got put on bed rest, but I understand now why it was so difficult for you. I'm in pain, but I also feel like I'm...I don't know. What if my leg doesn't heal right and I can't stand for surgery any longer? It's a really scary thing to think about."
"I know." Santana kisses Brittany's forehead. "I figured you were having those kinds of fears because I know I would be. But Meeks did a really good job, we saw the scans. You're going to be back on your feet in no time."
"It's part of why I haven't wanted to come downstairs, I'm so scared of putting pressure on it even with the crutches, or falling again. And I keep beating myself up for not thinking before I did this. My hands are insured, not my legs."
"I'm going to push you a little, because you always push me. We need to start getting you downstairs, then out of the house. We'll take it a little bit at a time, but I need you to do it."
"I know." Brittany nods. "I really do."
After Brittany eats her dinner, she manages to get up from the bed on her crutches. Though Whitney had offered to put Liam to bed, both Santana and Brittany think it's really important that they do it together. Liam needs his routine back, it's clear from his aching for his Mama that he does and though Brittany can't do bath time, she can sit on the bed and do stories. Once Brittany makes it down the hall to Liam's room, Santana goes to get him. She promises Whitney that she'll be down for Max and Oliver in just a little while and she watches as Liam scurries up the stairs, anxious to see Brittany.
"Mama! Mama! Mama! You walked!"
"I did, bud, and I'm going to try to walk a little more every day. You think you can help me with that?"
"If I was big and strong I would carry you right to the park and put you on the slide."
"You would, would you?" Brittany laughs. "I don't know about the slide, but maybe in a few days we can try to walk to the park."
"I'm a few days, Mommy Noodle has to go back to work."
"I know, but we'll have Gramma and Grampa here to come with us and maybe push Max and Oliver in their stroller. How's that sound?"
"I think it sounds great!" He claps, wiggling as Santana helps him get his shirt over his head. His arm may have gained a lot of strength, but it's still difficult for him to do certain things himself.
"Come on, Sir, let's get you in the tub so Mama can read books."
Once Liam is bathed and settled into bed, Brittany lays down beside him and begins to read. After two books, Santana kisses Liam goodnight and slips out of the room. Her boobs are sore, still not totally healed from the mastitis, and she knows it's time for the last feeding before the twins go down for the night. She retrieves Max and Oliver and brings them up to the bedroom, dressing them in their footed pajamas and laying them down on the bed while she settles against the headboard. Max is a little fussy, so she starts him first and once he's latched on, she picks up Oliver and puts him on her other side.
"Hey." Brittany smiles from the doorway, leaning her weight on her crutches. "He's asleep."
"Are you going to come sit with us?"
"I was planning on it. I'll take a shower when they're finished, if you don't mind helping me."
"Never." Santana meets her eyes and gives her the softest look.
"Are you okay?" Brittany asks when she sits down on the bed and props her leg up on a pillow. "I haven't asked."
"I'm okay. Worried about you, but holding it together. As scary as this is, I'm not immediately assuming the worst, so it looks like the dosage on these meds is really working."
"I'm glad. I really am."
"I don't want you to worry about me, Britt. I can handle this."
"It's a lot on you."
"And you take a lot on with me every day. I'm really okay, I promise you that."
"You'll tell me if you're not?"
"I'll tell you if I'm not. But I'm holding it together, for you and these guys."
"They're getting so big, Santana. It's unreal."
"I know. I've watched so many babies grow up on the Peds floor, but it doesn't feel the same when they're your own."
"Do you mind if I take them when you're done? I haven't held them since I fell and I just...I don't know."
"You don't have to ask, babe. I think they'd love to be with you tonight." Santana rubs Max's head and feels that he's done and hands him to Brittany. "Oliver has been eating more than usual."
"Growth spurt, probably." Brittany cradles Max close to her chest and kisses his head. "That's good news."
"He's so strong."
"He got it from you, honey."
"I'm far from strong." She shakes her head.
"You're so much stronger than you even know. You suffered so much trauma and look at you, you're a pediatric surgeon, you're a wife, a mother. You should be so proud."
"I just wonder if I'll ever stop wishing for his approval. I never want to see him again, but I just think...maybe he'll see me published somewhere, in a mainstream medical journal, maybe he'll he like 'huh, she did alright for herself.' I know that's stupid..."
"It's not stupid if that's how you feel. But you're so much better than him, I want you to know that."
"Thank you." Santana smiles a little. "That means a lot."
After Brittany cuddles with the twins for a little while and Santana puts them down for bed, they go to the shower. Santana had gotten a chair from the hospital and Brittany sits down on it as Santana helps her wash her hair. She knows that her wife hates to feel helpless and she usually defaults to caretaker, but Santana massages her scalp and shoulders, helping her to relax as she sits in the shower. It's only temporary, they both know that, but it's an adjustment for both of them and they're learning.
Santana is surprised that after the shower, Brittany wants to go sit downstairs with her parents, but it's a good surprise. She helps her get down the stairs and sets up her pillows on the couch so she can put her leg up. Whitney and Pierce are ecstatic, since they haven't been able to tell her all about the house yet and while they settle in, Santana goes to the kitchen to make four cups of tea.
"You're sure about this, right?" Brittany is asking them just as Santana comes back in the room. "You're not just doing it for us?"
"We miss you, Brittany. We miss Liam. We want to have more time with Santana, Max and Oliver. This is a big move, but it's for all the best reasons." Whitney promises, accepting her mug of tea. "Maribel has been helping so much and we want to help too."
"My mom will be really grateful for that, I think." Santana smiles. "She loves having the boys, but some time off would also be good for her."
"With the insane hours you two work, I'm not surprised." Pierce chuckles. "We are going to have to go back to Boston soon though to get ready if they accept the offer. Are you going to be okay?"
"We..." Brittany looks at Santana, who nods. "Yes, we will. But...Liv's stuff."
"We'll bring it all, you can go through it when you're ready."
"We'll pay for the extra cost of moving." Santana offers, but Whitney rolls her eyes.
"It's nothing. We wouldn't throw it out anyway, we just want you to have your pick of her things, Brittany."
"I know." Brittany nods, a sad look in her eyes. "It's mostly for Liam."
"It's okay for you to want things for you too."
Brittany gets really quiet. Santana knows that it's nearly impossible for her to talk about Olivia because she's spent so long compartmentalizing her grief, so she just takes her hand and squeezes it. Knowing his daughter as well as he does, Pierce changes the subject and starts talking about how he's going to put a swing set in the yard for the boys and the light comes back to Brittany's eyes.
They spend much longer than Santana expected downstairs and she's glad for that. It seems to do Brittany good, seems to get her out of that funk that Santana knows all too well. Whitney and Pierce go to the guest room and Santana helps Brittany back upstairs—she really has no idea how she does those stairs on crutches. It's clear when they get into the bedroom that Brittany is in a considerable amount of pain and she is clearly conflicted about whether or not to take a pill.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I just felt really good being out of that Vicodin fog. But my leg hurts like hell."
"It'll help you sleep, Brittany. In the morning, see if you can go without it for a few hours."
"I just wish the pain would stop. I don't understand why—" Brittany stops short and a look of guilt crosses her face.
"You can say it, you don't understand how people have elective surgery."
"I didn't mean you."
"I know." Santana shakes her head a little. "It's okay. Looking back, you know I wouldn't have done it either. My last surgery..."
"It was to stop the pain and make you feel okay in your own body. I don't consider that elective."
"But maybe that's how other people feel too, when they go under the knife. They just want to feel a certain way."
"Are you, Santana Lopez, defending plastic surgery?" Brittany chuckles and opens her pill bottle.
"I just have been thinking about when I was a teenager. I wanted so bad to be something I wasn't. I wanted to be straight. I wanted my father to love me. I would have given anything for that."
"Do you think Liam will feel that way? The first thing, not the second."
"I think it's different with Liam. We're raising him to love who he is. But I don't know. I just don't know what my answer would be if he told us he wanted to change how he looked."
"I would want him to wait until he was eighteen. I don't think I could sign the consent forms for him."
"I agree with that." Santana nods. "After what my father did to me, I just...couldn't."
"You know you're not him, right?"
"I know, I do, rationally, but I fear it every day. I've told you before, I wonder if he was ever kind to my mother, if he loved me when I was small. I just can't think that maybe one day I'll snap too."
"You won't." Brittany shakes her head. "I know you won't."
"I've read so many studies on victims of abuse and trauma."
"I know you have and you're aware. Santana, the way you love our sons, there's no way you'll ever be any different. I never would have chosen you to be Liam's mom, no way I would have had more children with you if I thought any different."
"You have so much faith in me."
"You're the love of my life. You have the best heart of anyone I know. I believe in you."
"You're going to make me cry."
"It's okay if you cry." Brittany swallows her pill and takes Santana's hand. "It's been a tough week."
"I'm just so glad you're okay."
"Oh honey, so am I."
Santana wakes up the next morning to Brittany sitting up beside her. She'd fed the boys at around four, so they're still asleep and Brittany is reading the journal that was beside the bed. Running her fingers through her hair, Santana sits up, careful, as she's bred, not to jostle the bed and disturb Brittany's leg. Brittany looks over at her and gives her the softest smile, her special smile, and Santana's eyes crinkle as she smiles in return.
"I can't believe Liam isn't up yet." Santana marvels, leaning over to kiss Brittany.
"Oh, he is. My mom came up and got him and they're going to the park. You were in such a deep sleep when she came in to tell me."
"I think my body needed it. Have you been up long?"
"About a half hour. I wanted you to sleep in, I know the boys had you up half the night."
"I don't know when they're going to start sleeping through the night. I feel like keeping them in here and letting them smell me is just hindering the process."
"You know the decision is up to you when we move them to their room." Brittany reminds her gently, looking over to where the twins sleep.
"I know, and I'm dragging my feet about it. I just worry about Oliver. I want to know if anything goes wrong."
"We have those socks we got at the shower."
"The socks that say they're not for medical purposes?"
"It's still an alarm. If something goes wrong, we'll know."
"I guess." Santana sighs. "I know we should do it, I really do."
"I do mean it when I say only if you're ready."
"I know you do. But if we wait until I'm ready, it might be never. I just...I don't know."
"Hey." Brittany shifts her body as much as she can so she's facing Santana. "That's okay."
"You're so good to me you know. Even when you're hurt, you're still just so sweet and gentle with me."
"I'm always going to be that way, I promise."
After another three days pass, Brittany is itching to work from home. She has scheduling and consults she can do over the phone and she begs Sue for permission. Probably knowing there is little she can do to stop her, Sue grants her request and on the day Santana goes back to the hospital, Brittany is set up in the home office with her foot on a chair and her computer and phone in front of her. Santana kisses her goodbye, makes her promise that she won't work through too much pain and goes to work.
In Santana's absence, Dr. Zises has started and almost immediately, Santana feels the competition rise up. She hasn't competed for surgeries since she was an intern and it's not like that's about to start, but having another young attending on her floor makes Santana feel like she has to step up her game. Being out for a week, of course, put her behind, but she's got a slate of surgeries ahead of her and she dives in headfirst, putting her worries about Brittany out of her mind.
While she's eating lunch in her office, Kurt comes in. She feels bad, she's been neglecting him since Max and Oliver were born, but it's different with Mercedes. Mercedes likes being around kids and Kurt simply...doesn't. He's one of her best friends, but she finds it hard to balance her relationship with him when so much of her life is about Liam, Max, and Oliver.
"How's she doing?" Kurt asks, sitting down and opening his salad.
"She's good, actually. The first few days were hard, but she's working from home now and she's dealing much better."
"Dave was going to stop by while I was at work the other day, but we just felt..weird."
"Why?"
"I don't know, things aren't like they used to be."
"I know." Santana sighs. "My life is really different."
"I hope you know I'm happy for you. It's not the life I want, but it suits you."
"You know you're still a big part of my life, Kurt. Just because I don't go to the bar anymore after work doesn't mean I don't still want to spend time with you."
"Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. You're just...doing your thing."
"You've gotta be kidding me right now." Santana sucks in air, feeling rage bubble up in here chest. "Doing my thing? I had a traumatic birth, one of my sons is developmentally delayed, I suffered a pretty nasty case of postpartum depression, my wife had surgery. I'm not doing my thing, I'm trying to keep my head above water. I'm sorry that I don't have the time I used to, but I'm not going to apologize for being who I am now."
"No one said you had to."
"Well it sure as hell sounded like that's what you wanted. I've had a hell of a week and I thought I was going to be able to relax and enjoy lunch with you."
"I didn't say we couldn't."
"You're being really...I don't even know right now. Don't veil your issues with me. What am I supposed to do, Kurt? I invite you over and you always find an excuse not to come. I know you're not into my kids, but they're part of me."
"I never said I wasn't into your kids."
"You don't have to say it." Santana huffs. "Look, I don't need this right now."
"I'm literally not doing anything."
"Get out of my office."
After Kurt leaves, Santana is in a fury. Maybe in a normal week, she wouldn't have taken things so much to heart—or maybe she would, she tends to do that—but with everything going on with Brittany, everything that's gone on in her life for the past months, she's past rational thinking. Instead, she gets increasingly mad at one of her best friends because she feels like her life is an affront to him. Things were easy with them when her whole life was the hospital and she went out drinking every night, but things are harder now. She hates to go out, she's afraid to leave Max and Oliver when she doesn't have to, she wants to spend time with Liam, she wants to be in her pajamas with Brittany. Maybe it makes her a shitty friend, she doesn't know, but somehow things have remained the same with Mercedes.
The rest of the day drags. She checks in the Brittany who tells her she's taking a break from work to lay down for a little while. She checks in with her mom who took the boys out for the afternoon so Brittany could have quiet and Whitney and Pierce could meet with their realtor. Everything is fine, but still, she aches to get home. And when finally, she finishes her last surgery, she's out the door more quickly than she's ever been before.
She smells her mom's enchiladas when she walks in the door and it gives her such relief that she doesn't have to cook. She hugs her Liam, she kisses the twins and she goes upstairs to gently wake Brittany up from her nap. Together, they go downstairs for dinner and Santana holds in all of her anger toward Kurt until the meal is eaten and cleaned up, Liam is asleep and she's sitting on the bed fresh from a shower holding Max and Oliver while they nurse. She knows Brittany can see the day written across her face and Santana just inhaled deeply.
"According to Kurt Hummel, I've been spending the past few months just doing my thing."
"What?" Brittany tilts her head to the side. "What did he mean by that?"
"I have no idea. I guess that I'm unavailable to do stupid shit, I don't know. He care by my office for lunch today and we had a big fight."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, no, I don't know. It's just like, what am I supposed to do, Brittany? He doesn't want to come over here much because of the kids, I don't want to go out and leave them when we're gone all day. And he made me feel pretty shitty that I'm not who I used to be."
"And how do you feel about changing?"
"I feel like...I wasn't happy with my life back then. Yeah, I had fun going out to the bar but at the end of the night I'd come home all dark and twisty inside. I don't feel like me changing is me being a dick and ditching all my friends because I'm in love, it's because I'm growing and healing and the things I used to enjoy just aren't for me anymore."
"Did you tell him that?"
"No." Santana sighs. "I just got really mad and pretty much told him that he has no idea what my life has been like."
"That's fair. But maybe you should tell him what you just told me. He loves you, honey. He might be a little misguided at times but he wants you to have the best life."
"He wants it on his own terms."
"I don't think he does. I know it's hard that he's not all about the boys like Mercedes is but I think he's genuinely happy for you."
"I guess. I don't know, it's hard. I used to envision like, me Kurt and Mercedes in the old folks home for retired doctors or something and then you came along and my whole vision of the future changed."
"And that's okay." Brittany kisses her temple. "That doesn't mean you have to give up your friends."
"Was I an asshole?"
"I don't think you were, I think you're just very guarded and he surprised you. And if you want a night to just go hang out at the bar with them, that's okay."
"That's the thing though, Britt, I don't. I want to be home at night to put the boys to bed, to fall asleep with you."
"Then I think you should find some kind of middle ground with him."
"I guess you're right. But can I stay mad at him a little longer?"
"You absolutely can."