Draco's mind wandered over by his darkest thoughts, possible paths to run through to complete his task. It was an impossible task, created for him to fail. He had a job to be done, it had to be done, he said to himself, respectively several times a day had to be done, for his parents, for his life. Draco could feel diving in these thoughts that left him crazy and physically sick. He was far from being the boy in the first year of Hogwarts, so excited, full of life, and confident of his place there. Now he was just a boy with a sick aspect, too pale, too tired, and isolated from his friends.
Most of his days were filled with anxiety, to the point that he was used to feeling agitated, physically ill, and disconnected from everything around him. He did not want to be here, there were days when he did not know if he even wanted to live. These were the bad days, but he also had mediocre days, when his task went better or when Blaise or Theo caught him off guard and made him laugh like he had not done for months like they were not on the line to become death eaters.
And then there were strange days, these were usually spent in Granger's company, whether it was making Snape's potion or patrols. He told himself she was a distraction, something for him to take her mind off and entertain herself with something new, like pissing her off until her face flushed, and her hair becomes even wilder. She was easily irritated, and her morals were practically sacred and untouchable, so it was easy to push her buttons and watch her storm out in anger. Draco convinced himself that it was only those moments he enjoyed with her, but he would only lie to himself if he denied that he did not like the inexplicable sensations she made him feel from time to time. When she was too close to him. Her scent of vanilla. Her big brown eyes, bright and full of life. Their little freckles around the nose. The way she bit her lip when she was focused on one of the potion's steps. It was intoxicating and fucking mental.
The spiral of thoughts was invaded by the shrill voice of Pansy:
"Draco wake up!" Pansy was a mere centimeter away from him. She was quite proud of the party she gathered, still, he could not understand why invite all the houses.
"What?" Draco said annoyed.
"C'mon Draco don't ruin our little party. You used to be a lot more fun." Blaise said.
Draco blinked and looked at his surroundings. For a moment he forgot where he was, completely immersed in his thoughts. He agreed to organize a "small part" with Pansy, which turned out to be huge when she invited everyone, for whatever reason. At least his friends were having a good time, way too much he thought watching Theo going up the stairs to the bedrooms with some Hufflepuff girl.
"And you seemed to be less annoying if that's even possible." Draco dispute back.
"Hello everyone, this is the longest sentence we got from Draco for the past weeks. Damn, our boy is growing." Blaise acted like he was in a reality tv-show and people around him were delirious to hear about "Blaise news".
"He's right Drake. You don't talk to us, not anymore, and you spend all your time Salazar knows where." Pansy said, clearly in a concerned tone. "We missed you."
"Don't get all sentimental on me Pans. You are going to make Blaise cry his eyes out." Draco smirked.
"You bet your ass I am." Blaise hugged Draco. "Drake I missed you, buddy." He said laughing and touching Draco's hair.
"Get out of me you bastard," Draco said struggling to get out of Blaise's hug. "Don't you have some girl to get laid?"
Grudgingly Blaise let Draco go. "I'm waiting for the right girl."
"You can sit down. She doesn't exist, and if there was, I doubt she wants anything to do with you." Draco said ruffling Blaise's perfectly straight hair.
"Don't be mean, Draco." Pansy said, in an almost maternal tone that did not suit her.
"It seems that the Theo won't be alone tonight." Blaise said smiling from ear to ear. "This is kind of depressing. What the hell am I doing here putting up with Draco's depressing bullshit."
"Because you are an idiot." Draco said half smirking.
"I love you too, buddy." Blaise said blowing him a kiss.
"Ew. You two get a room." Pansy said.
"Come here Pansy, we can make room for you. A ménage à trois." Blaise said smirking, taking his glass to his lips.
"Who do you think I am?" Pansy put her hands on her waist. "Any of your girls?"
"Of course, not Pans. You are the best of them." Blaise said grabbing her hand and giving her a light kiss.
"Always so dramatic, Blaise." Pansy said hiding a smile. Draco knew she loved attention, after all, who did not like to be seen, to be heard, to be recognized when she made so many efforts to be perfect.
"So, who's going to be the lucky girl in this party?" he said hunting with his gaze across the room. "Where's Daphne?"
Pansy patted his arm aggressively. "Back off Blaise, you already know she and Theo belong together."
Draco laughed sarcastically. "Clearly, that's why Theo went up with another girl. "
"Well. Theo is Theo." Pansy said it was just as good as any.
"Do you know what I think? Marriages between large and noble families are a bunch of horse shit. I do not want to marry my fucking cousin. "Blaise said making a disgusting face.
"What is the other option? Marry a half-blood or worse, a muddleblood?" Pansy laughed cruelly and Draco could not help but cringed remembering the muddlebloods that were killed in his dining room under the order of the Dark Lord.
"I think I have an idea." said Blaise secretly. Draco could have sworn he said that when Ginny Weasley entered the dorm but that seemed odd even for Blaise.
"What the fucked is she doing here?" Pansy almost screamed looking at Hermione. "That fucking bitch, how dare she." She stepped forward but was stopped by Draco that grabbed her arm.
"Don't make a fucking scene. I thought you wanted unity." Draco said smirking, with his hand in her waist trying to stop her from moving forward.
"I want to take that bitch's head off, that's what I want." Pansy said infuriated.
"Easy there Pans. We can ask her gently to get out." Blaise said and Draco immediately looked at him dangerously. Blaise just smirked at him curiously.
"What's wrong, Drake?" He asked. "Do you want Granger all for yourself?"
"Yea, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Pansy asked him loudly. Draco grabbed her by the arm to keep her big mouth in control and guided her to a more hidden room in the dormitory.
"Do you want that disgusting muddleblood? Is that it Draco? Have you grown soft for her?"
Draco rolled his eyes. "Do not offense me like that Pansy. I just can't afford to get in detention because you beat the shit out of the favorite student of that old bat." Draco said disgusting.
"Do you really think that I could win that muddleblood?" Pansy asked smiling.
No way, not even in another world. "Of course." Draco lied.
Pansy smiled and approached him, whispering something in his ear. "Do you want to get out of here? Like the old times?".
Pansy was the perfect solution. Draco had known she had been in love with him for years, and for a while, Draco thought he might love her back. She came from a wealthy and pureblood family, his father approved her, and besides Pansy knew him and the world he was born into. For a moment he really tried to give them a chance, but he never felt more than just friendship for the witch, and she deserved someone that saw her and valued her and that was not him. Since the Dark Lord gave him this dreadful task everything changed, and he found himself looking for comfort in Pansy's arms. Sometimes he hated himself even more after spending the night with her, for making her believe there was a chance between them. Mostly he just wanted to feel normal, to end with the endless disconnect he felt with everyone, just numb the shallow static that was tuned in his brain. Besides Pansy was always there for him, even when he pushed her far away. She was there, lonely and in love with him. She knew he did not love her because he never stayed the night with her or hug her or made romantic things as she imagined him to do. Perhaps he was not capable of love or to feel anything besides pity for himself and rage.
But not tonight. "Maybe later. Blaise is doing something crazy tonight." Draco touched Pansy's shoulder in a way that should calm her down from tearing Granger's head. She nodded and he left her behind, joining Blaise's crazy search for some chick to shag tonight.
Now that Pansy was not an imminent problem, Draco properly saw Granger in the middle of the room, dancing happily with Ginny. This did not seem like her comfortable place and probably was the weasel witch that convinced her, but fuck, she looked beautiful tonight, with the red dress, and only a fool would deny. She looked so strong and confident, unaware of what was going on outside, unaware that she was unwanted, and her head was in the kill list of Voldemort's order. Oblivious to the fact that her kind was dying, family after family. Maybe this was a distraction for her, just as she is for him.
Sometimes he heard his father rough voice when looking at her. Disgusting muddleblood. His father's voices were still singing in the walls of his skull and sometimes he pondered on smacking his head against a wall. He never did so but it was a nice thought to ponder on. He hated him, more than he hated anything. He hated how weak he was, how incapable he was of protecting his family, just a puppet on Voldemort's hands. Just like himself. He hated every part of him that reminds him of his father, the arrogance, the cruelty, the hatred.
He blamed this part of him when he snapped watching Granger and Potter dancing happily, like two persons in love, carefree of the world. He wanted to punch that stupid face of Potter's, for always having everything, for being on the right side of the war. For having her in his arms, for have her unconditional support all the time. Granger seemed happy, spinning around, and laughing out loud like no one was watching. Fuck it, since when he wanted her? Of all the girls, Granger.
Draco grabbed Pansy's waist and whispered in her ear: "Missing the old times?" He could not see her face, but he knew she smiled. She nodded and said something to Daphne. They headed upstairs, to his dormitory that was empty for Salazar's sake. Draco knew that this was a mistake, but everything seemed wrong lately.
She kissed him like she was aching for him, for his touch and lips. "I missed you Draco." Pansy said on his lips. He knew she did, and he was afraid she was going to say that she loved him and beg for something in return that he would never give. He could not say anything or look in her eyes. He just kissed her very hard, just trying to get something out of her but he did not know what.
Pansy took off his pants and boxers and began to pleasure him. Her eyes were filled with lust for him and Draco almost felt sick, but that feeling disappeared when she touches him as she knew how. First with her hand and then with her mouth. Feeling his head spin around, Draco vaguely thought that he should have closed the door when he heard the old floor squeak like it always did when someone stepped in that part.
Draco immediately looked at the door, lightly touching Pansy's head to stop what she was doing. Although she tried to escape as quickly and secretly as possible, Draco exchanged glances with Granger who was at the door, her jaw dropped and rather flushed. That would have made Draco a little proud or pleased with himself if it were not for the strange feeling in his stomach that told him that she, of all people, was not supposed to see this. Him, like this, with another girl.
"Pansy stop. Someone saw us." Draco said, pulling up his boxers and putting on his pants that were lying on the floor.
"Who?" She asked looking at the door, confused. "That never stopped us before." She smiled, trying to touch him a little bit more.
"Not now Pansy." Draco stepped away from her roughly and hurried down to the common room. She followed him, saying something behind his back that he did not listen. She took a few steps ahead and tried to grab his hand. "Draco."
"This was a fucking mistake and will never happen again." Draco said looking straight to her gloomy eyes. "Take care."
"Fine!" Pansy screamed, making everyone around look at her. "Fuck off then!" She grabbed a bottle of wine and headed upstairs again, leaving the crowd to gossip and laugh a little about her.