After many hours in the library, with Draco hoovering around her like a crow, waiting for bad news, or anything dreadful, Hermione did not find anything. Not even a single book that talked about joining two magical cores accidentally. The whole idea of two people bonded by magic was mocked by experts and various academics that did not believe in such things. Magic was individual. Hermione was happy to agree with them, but was it individual? How could she deny what she felt, or what Draco felt?
Hermione was trying her best to keep her face neutral. At this point, a single frown on her face would make Draco jump and asked her what she found out. He was on edge, even more than her it seemed. She already caught him scratching the Mark two times, in a not-so discrete way.
"I found nothing." She admitted defeat, resting her head in some big and hard book. It was already past dinner time, and the library was about to close very soon and she did not want to resume this research tomorrow. Draco stroked Hermione's hair gently and she immediately glanced up, amazed by how affection he seemed. No one was around them, but still.
"What?" He asked unconcernedly.
"Nothing. Just." She said, starting to feel her cheeks burn. She dropped her head again, hiding her embarrassment. "I'm tired. Can you feel that?".
"No, I don't think that works that way." Draco said, lost in thought." Maybe I could find out something on the Manor." Hermione looked up, afraid to approach the topic. He never talked about home, ever. This was the first time he mentioned his house and he did not look particularly happy or sad. Just stating facts.
"Is that a good idea?" She asked. "Because of..."
He tensed up straight away. She watched the way he conflicted with himself about what he was telling her like he was pondering every word that would come out of his mouth. "He's not always there." He said. "I could write to my mother, but I don't want to involve her in anything. More than necessary, anyway."
Hermione nodded, dropping the subject. "I can talk to McGonagall."
"No way. She was already studying us like we were some weird experiments. Salazar knows what she would do to us if she found out."
"Nothing that terrible Draco." Hermione raised her voice, feeling suddenly very protective of her dear professor, and was immediately silenced somewhere. "She's just trying to find a way."
"By binding together some kids that don't know nothing, nor like each other at all? Draco asked.
"Well, we're in it together, whatever we like it or not." She spat.
Draco just scowled at her. "What?" Hermione asked feeling irritated.
"For someone so smart, I don't know how you can be so naive." He said. "There's no together, Granger. There are the Gryffindors and the rest that fall into their good graces. Don't think for a minute they wouldn't put us all in the dungeons when things got tough."
"She would not! And if things ever come to that it's because Slytherins were already on the other side." Hermione said letting her temper get the best of her. "It's their choice."
"Just like that, Granger? If they don't align with your stupid and high expectations of how someone should act in the middle of a war, just put them in the dungeon, like some fucking rats. Even just little kids, who have no fucking idea what Voldemort truly wants." He whispered but it seemed like he was screaming at her. "Do what you want, just leave me out of it." He said grabbing his things rapidly.
"Draco..." Hermione started. He did not look at her. Hermione grabbed his hand and he stopped slowly but he did not glance at her. "I'm sorry. It's not what I meant."
"Spare me, Granger." He spat back. "I know how you think. Of what you all think."
"You don't! I don't even know what I think about all of this." She said defeated, the tiredness of the day finally getting to her. Probably was the drugs from last night finally wearing out. She felt his eyes on her, but she could not have the courage to look up. She was tired and felt like everything was spinning out of her control. Including herself. And looking at Draco Malfoy would not help her case.
"Would it be that bad to be bounded to me? To my magic?" Draco was still looking at her, analyzing her, like he was reading her mind. Was he? God, she hoped not. That would be terrible.
"Yes." He merely said.
Hermione did not respond. She just kept her head down, trying hard not to jump to conclusions.
"Not because of what you think. I don't care about your blood, Granger. I don't think your magic is dirty." He grabbed her chin with confidence. This way she could not look away, not for a second. His touch was cold, like always, but she thanked it because she was burning. She looked at his hands. How strong he looked, but still how fragile he also seemed. She looked back at him and welcome all the intensity that came with it.
"I can't be bonded to you. Not when I have this thing in my arm and this fucking mission on my back. I don't want to stain you, any more than I already did." He looked very small and fragile, like a child begging to return home. Hermione wanted to kiss him badly, to hold him.
"You can't stain me Draco. Not possible." She said smiling.
"I see the way you looked at it, Granger. And I can't help to think a single glance would change everything." The Mark.
"Try me then." She said determinedly. Honestly, she needed this, as much as him, at this point. But she was terrified of the answer. What if she reacted the wrong way, without even notice it? Would it ruin everything?
"You're mental." He said dropping his hand and letting her go.
"I'm being serious Draco. I want to see it."
"Why?" He asked seriously.
She did not know what to answer. Maybe she was hoping it would change everything and then they could go back to normal. Rivals. Enemies. Whatever. Maybe she wanted to put herself in a position where she faced what was always standing between them. Like a silent deal, they agreed no to talk about, but that it took space and made it impossible for anything to grow. Something beautiful, even. But she did not tell him any of that, and her silence was worse by the way Draco looked at her. He grabbed the rest of his things rapidly and started to walk out.
"Wait. Draco." Hermione said picking up her things in a rush. "I'm coming with you."
"I'm seeing Blaise." He said without glancing back.
Hermione took another and another turn in bed. Every time she turned, she couldn't stop picture Draco's face at the library. The silence of her words when he asked her about the Mark. She felt like an idiot for not answering. Honestly, at this point, any answer would be better than what she did. The silence probably confirmed Draco's suspicions about her. Did he think she was repulsed by him? That nothing changed between them? That she just saw him like some other Death eater? That wasn't the truth and Hermione knew deep down that nothing was the same between them.
She got up, tired of sweating in her bedsheets. The room was suddenly very cold, and she immediately put on her jumper underneath her small t-shirt and shorts. Hermione left her room to get some glass of water, just to get her head out of Draco. She was surely becoming mad in that room. Just when she was about to leave, she heard something coming from Draco's room. She did not hear him coming in, but the lights were on. She was ready to knock at his door when she heard voices coming from inside. A women's voice. Hermione froze when she heard Pansy's loud voice calling him. She was telling him how sorry she was about something she could not understand and then there was silence. Only a fool would not understand what came next. Hermione felt herself feeling anger, her legs growing weak while she took a few steps back.
She wanted to get in there and just destroy everything. Just expose the whole thing to that fucking bitch. And then, leave it all behind. Him.
"What do you want Draco?" Pansy asked. "Just tell me." She pleaded.
She was so fucking stupid. She already saw the two together, why would she think he had ended whatever he had with Pansy. Just because he told her? How can be so naive?
Her arm started itching hard again like her veins were on fire like something was creeping into her muscles and blood. She covered it without second-guessing, pressing the spot until her hand became white. She opened her eyes, hoping the Mark would somehow appear in her arm but there was nothing there. It was just her skin, red and swollen from applying too much pressure. She sighed with relief, trying to stop the tears that wanted to get out.
Hermione heard Pansy asked him what was wrong. She hated the sound of her voice, more than ever. Without second-guessing, she dropped the glass to the ground, hoping they would hear it, and left their room behind.
Her anger turned to sadness quickly. She felt like a fool, running through the halls, in her small shorts and a big jumper. Her hair was sweaty and her face were wet and swollen from the tears that found their way to escape. She could not bring herself to stop crying and it was driving her insane. He was with Pansy again. After he kissed her. After they spent the night together. After everything. And it was fucking painful, but somehow, something was making it harder to breathe, like she did not know how to function without him, without their connection. She was out of breathing, from running and crying. She had to stop something, but she could not bring herself to stop moving until she passed out. Finally caving to her aching body, she stopped at the bathroom on the 6th floor. She took one look at the mirror and hated what she saw. She could not even remember the last time she liked what she saw.
"Breathe, Hermione. For God's sake." She said to herself. "Get it together."
There was still this itch in her skin, in her arm, but now it was almost everywhere. Like something was tearing her apart from inside, stretching and holding on to something she could not understand. In the center of her troubled thoughts, something stood up, something she just read a few hours ago in the library, about magic bonds and what happens when they are torn apart. Your body rejects it, every inch of you it's supposed to fight against the tearing of the bond. Hermione laughed hysterically at the whole thing. She was losing her shit, without a doubt, but this year was not what she expected, at all. Of all the things she thought that would go wrong, she never expected wanting Draco Malfoy, and then, to be bonded to him. Worse of it all, she did not plan for it to hurt so much, for her to care so much about him.
Hermione sat on the floor for a couple of hours, just looking at nowhere, trying to avoid thinking about what she just saw. Was he with her all along? Were they laughing at her? Was Draco telling her all the details of their moments together? God, she wanted to do something stupid or punch something. The sun was starting to peak at the windows, it was probably already 6 a.m. when Hermione decided to get back to her room, maybe trying to rest, since she did not have any classes until 11 a.m. Hopefully, avoiding him.
The room was quiet, it was almost uncomfortable how still everything was. Just last night, they were on the couch, eating cake and laughing. She noticed someone cleaned the broken glass but she did not care a bit. Without even glancing at his room, she locked herself in her room and put a silencing charm in it. She closed her window and fell into bed with her fuzzy cat at her cold feet. She closed her eyes and fell asleep shortly, exhausted but at least her body seemed quieter, calmer, much like she was in control. But there was still this itch that was demanding something from her. For her to move, to take some action, to return to him.
She fell asleep and the nightmares returned.