Fall was my absolute favorite season. I couldn't decide if it was the smell of all the delicious scents Mom filled our house with, the sound of the leaves crunching beneath my feet, or the way my breath appeared in front of my mouth in a circle of air. Mom had gotten a part time job at the bakery in town and all she ever did these days was try to bake new recipes every chance she got. Dad and I never complained that we were the guinea pigs, even though Dad did end up having to put in a lap around the neighborhood every day. I was thankful soccer was in full swing this time of year, for sure.
If Mom's baking wasn't enough to make me love this time of year, every time I turned around another tree was changing from green to brown, or green to red, or my favorite: green to yellow. There was something so humbling about watching nature take its course upon our town. Pumpkins, haystacks, and cornstalks decorated the front porches of the homes in the neighborhood, my house and The Rec included.
Weather changed from warm to chilly, which was a perfect excuse to cuddle up underneath a blanket while pretending to watch yet another year of high school football. Now that Emmett was off at college after graduating last June, our attention was spent mostly on the crowd of friends instead of on the actual game.
And as I pressed my foot down hard on the brake pedal, I tried to remember all of the things I loved about my life and this time of year, even though the desire to scream my hatred towards a certain individual rang prevalent at the moment.
"Slow the fuck down!" Edward yelled, his body slamming forward onto the glove compartment. He looked over at me from his position in the passenger seat. "Are you insane?"
I took a deep breath and turned my body back forwards again so I was facing the empty road in front of me, my knuckles gripping the steering wheel in my grasp. I wish someone told me how fucking annoying it was to have your boyfriend teach you how to drive.
I was too angry to look at him, but I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he closed his eyes and gripped the edges of his hair in frustration. Maybe a little over a year of us being together had rubbed off on him because I had never seen a boy be as dramatic as me.
We were on an abandoned road a mile away from The Rec. Believe me; he was going to be okay. No one was hurt. No need to call an ambulance.
All I did was put a little too much on the gas and once I realized it, naturally I slammed on the brakes. Hence, Edward almost flying through the windshield.
He still had his eyes closed and he pinched the bridge of his nose. He took a few deep breaths so the words came out slowly and calmly. "In the future, it's not necessary to go from zero to sixty and then slam on your brakes seven seconds later." I could hear the self-control in his voice waning under the pressure. He still wouldn't open his eyes.
"Maybe I wouldn't have done that if you weren't over there pressing on your invisible brake pedal. It's stressing me out." He was crazy if he thought I didn't see him sitting in the passenger seat holding onto dear life the entire time.
"Well, maybe I wouldn't be if you pressed on the pedals slowly and softly like a normal person."
I was so over it.
"Fuck this." I threw the seatbelt off of me and reached for the door, slamming it shut behind me as I started walking down the road back to The Rec. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, the cold wind blowing my hair across my face and stinging my fingers.
I made it a few more steps before I heard the sound of tires on the gravel behind me.
"Bella, get back in the car." Edward sounded calmer now, more annoyed than before, but not as angry. Still I kept walking. "Bella!"
I ignored him, and I continued ignoring him even when I heard a loud 'fuck' fly into the air and the car door open and slam behind him. The sound of his footsteps behind me I realized too late, and before I could stop it, I was engulfed in the warmth of his arms.
As much as I hated him at the moment, being in his arms was my favorite place to be.
I fought it, though, on principle.
"Get off me!" I shouted, my legs and arms flailing and landing on whatever they could as he tossed me over his shoulder and headed back towards the car. I heard him fight against his own strength to keep himself in check.
"I will after you're in the car!"
He deposited me onto the passenger seat, similar to the way he had tossed me onto my bed the night before, but instead of climbing on top of me and driving me all sorts of heavenly crazy, he walked over to the driver's seat and started the car.
We didn't speak once on the way back, our emotions doing the communicating in the front seat for us.
I was so happy that The Rec was as close as it was to our driving sessions because there was no way in hell I could stand to be near Edward for another second without his life being threatened.
I slammed the car door behind me as hard as I could, and left Edward behind as I stomped into The Rec, slamming that door behind me, too. If there was another door to slam, I'd slam that one, too!
"Trouble in paradise?" Jasper's voice snuck its way into my ear and I jumped at the sound before shoving him back towards Alice. They continued walking towards the television.
"Shut up, Jasper," I retorted and moved the curtain away from the window to see what Edward still doing outside.
It was November of our junior year, and Edward and I had been together a little over a year. It was the best year that I could have ever dreamed of, wished for, prayed upon, whatever it was that you want to call it, but it was the truth.
How do I know that it was the best?
Because of moments like these. Where we fought hard but loved harder.
I watched him as he leaned up against the hood of the car, his hands deep in his pockets and his eyes lost in the forest in front of him. Most of the trees had lost its leaves but there were still a few left hanging on against the autumn wind. It was getting darker as the minutes ticked by, the sky turning from gray to light pink and then eventually to darkness. As the sun disappeared, I watched as Edward took a step off of the car that we had borrowed from Carlisle and headed up the stairs inside.
I hadn't left my place next to the window, and I didn't have the energy to move once I heard the front door open. The window was to the left of the door, so I was able to watch him step into the room and look around, obviously searching for someone.
It was impossible to be mad at him for long, and when he eventually found who he was looking for, I forgot why we had even fought in the first place.
I admit. I was a terrible driver, and my Dad could vouch for it. Just last week he had taken me out and I was so nervous that instead of pressing the brake, I pressed the gas and almost went straight into Mrs. Cope's rose bushes. She could vouch for it too, because she was standing right next to them when I almost ran them over.
With my head still leaning against the cool glass of the window, that smirk of his I loved so much crossed his face and he held his head down sheepishly as he walked over to me and closed the distance between us.
"Forgive me?" He said, his arms slinking around my waist and pulling me against him. I closed my eyes as he pressed his lips to my forehead.
"Forgotten," I replied. And once his lips finally found my own once again, everything else was forgotten in this world except for us.
- - - tr - - -
"I swear, these things are going to be the death of me!"
We were all sprawled on the couches in front of the TV flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch. In the hour that had taken place since we had come back inside from the car, it had been impossible to find the privacy we wanted to make up. So for now we settled for secret kisses and touches under a warm blanket on the floor next to the couch.
That was until Rose broke up our comfortable silence with a slam on the table.
"What are they?" Alice pointed to the pile of papers that Rose had strewn across the table. Jasper picked one up that had fallen onto the floor and tossed it back onto the heaping pile.
"Washington State University?" Alice asked as Rose added the paper to the rest of them. Rose nodded.
"College applications." Edward muttered.
Rose let out an exasperated sigh. "I remember Em doing these when he was a senior and I don't remember him freaking out like this!"
Emmett had gone off to Central Washington University, and for the moment they were on the downward spiral of their on again off again relationship. I don't know if they were even planning on going to the same college anymore.
She ran her hands through her hair and groaned out loud before placing her face in her hands. Her voice was muffled when she spoke. "It's so overwhelming. I don't even know where to begin."
"Let me see." Jasper got up from his spot on the couch and took a minute to glimpse over the growing pile of applications. He let the papers fall back onto table with a shake of his head.
"Yeah, this blows. And you have so many more to do." He said and went back to the couch.
I hid my chuckle inside Edward's chest.
"Wow, thanks for all your help!" Rose exclaimed with a roll of her eyes.
"Are all of these like this?" Alice asked.
"Unfortunately, yes. Better prepare yourself now."
"We have a whole year before we have to worry about that. Besides, Bella already knows where she's going to college." Alice replied.
"You do?" Jasper asked.
"Yeah, she's had it planned out since she was like, five."
"Five? Really, Rose?" I shook my head. "Not five. Maybe ten, but not five."
"Where?" It was the first time Edward contributed to the conversation, and his voice was low enough for almost only me to hear. His fingers played with mine beneath the blanket, tracing patterns on my palm and back down to my wrist and over and above to the top of my hand. It was a comfort that I felt within my bones.
"NYU."
"In New York?"
"Why New York?" Edward again.
I shrugged and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "My birth mom lives there. Or she did at some point. I don't even know if she's still there but it's the only address my mom has for her."
"Would you really want to meet her?" Rose asked, diverting her attention from her applications and looking my way.
Truthfully, I didn't know if I wanted to meet her or not. I knew nothing about her even though my parents did and had offered to tell me anything I wanted to know. There were times that I could see myself and her meeting even though I had no clue what I would even say to her. It was a difficult subject to discuss, especially since it was a situation that connected Edward and I. We were both given up by our birth parents but that was where the similarities had ended. I was one of the lucky ones where Edward was not so much. I had the opportunity to meet her and find out her history and her reasons for everything she did and why. Edward did not have that luxury and had over sixteen years to prove it.
I cleared my throat.
"I don't know. One time, a long time ago, I used to think about what it would be like to meet her. But I don't really know what I would say." I gave a soft laugh at myself, and continued. "I remember when I was little thinking that if I somehow got myself to New York that I would just be able to find her. I would, I don't know, just be able to feel something and know it was her. I don't remember how or why I decided on NYU but I've had my heart set on it ever since."
"I don't think you have to worry. You've got the grades to prove it." Rose interjected, turning her attention back to the applications that sat in front of her. It looked monotonous and I cringed at the thought of myself and Edward doing that this time next year when we were seniors.
"But New York is so far away," Alice whined, sliding up against me and stealing the blanket Edward and I had been using. She stole me for a hug and I laughed within her embrace, laughing even harder when Edward tugged me back into him.
He didn't like to share and he nuzzled my neck, sending shivers up and down my spine.
I looked back over at Alice. "It's not like I'm going to end up living there. I'll be home for all holidays and school breaks."
"I don't know if I'd ever want to run into my father," Jasper noted, his eyes glancing down at the scars on his arms that licked their way up towards his neck. He never talked about his Dad and the fire unless he had to and we never pushed it. He tore his eyes away from the flame-licked skin and stared out towards the fireplace that Carlisle had put on hours before. "That would take a lot of restraint on my part."
"Mine, too." Edward said. Edward knew nothing about his mother, and even less about his father, if that were possible.
The five of us sat quietly for a little while, each lost in thoughts of our own.
I had been too lost in the whirlwind of my first real boyfriend to even think about important things like applying to colleges. It was my junior year and I knew that important things like the SATs and other things like that were all planned to help carve out my future, but all I really cared about was Edward.
Even though Edward and I had known each other forever, one of the stipulations my parents had of the two of us being "allowed" to date (and I use the word allowed very loosely because there was nothing on this planet that could have kept me from being with Edward, let's be serious) was that I didn't neglect anything else in my life. That meant I still worked the same hours at the library, I still played Varsity soccer, and of course I kept my grades up.
Once they saw that I could balance all of that plus my growing need to be with Edward, they ran out of things to worry about.
That was until they thought Edward and I were having sex.
Which we weren't.
How could we if we never had a chance to be alone alone?
Edward's place was never an option. Legally, on paper, he had a place to live but most nights, when he wasn't upstairs in my room, he spent at The Rec with Carlisle's permission. He showered there, and slept there for the few hours after he snuck out of my room and before school started. His foster parents never looked for him, and now that we all had cell phones, it was easier for him to check in with them through the phone. They provided his basic needs but he knew how to survive on his own, and preferred it that way.
So, that left my house, and I truthfully believed that my parents had planned this out the minute that they adopted me. I really do think that they had planned far in advance to enact opposite working schedules which allowed one parent to be at the house at all times. There wasn't fifteen minutes where Edward and I were ever alone in my house.
I think they knew that given the opportunity, Edward and I would go for it in a heartbeat.
Even though Edward snuck into my room every night, did I want our first time together to be with my mother sleeping down the hall from us?
Really, really not.
So we were just waiting for our chance.
Sometimes we were patient.
Other times, it just fucking sucked.
Especially tonight, when all I wanted to do was jump on him until he groaned my favorite sound in my ear.
I don't know if there were anything sexier than Edward Cullen with his eyes closed and a slow 'fuck' whispered from his lips in a groan under his breath.
I sighed and pulled him closer.
He eyed me knowingly, reading me without me having to tell him exactly what I was in the mood for.
I hoped that it would always be like this with us.
"I'll be over in an hour," he whispered against my lips before kissing me in front of everyone around us. They didn't even blink an eye anymore, even when his hands slid down my leg and disappeared beneath the blankets. "Wear those little shorts for me?"
I didn't get to answer him.
Felix and Carlisle burst out of the office, the door slamming against the wall behind them as they headed towards the back deck. Edward scooted me far away from him, each of thinking of the warnings that we had gotten from both of them about keeping it 'G Rated'.
"What's that about?" Rose nodded with her chin towards the conversation they were having outside. Alice, being the smallest and quietest on her feet, tiptoed over towards the sliding glass door and made an attempt at not being seen.
"I can't really hear what they're saying. Something about a water bill?" Alice looked at us strangely for a second before squinting her eyes, as if that could help her hear through the glass better.
"They've got time before they turn the water off." Edward said. I frowned. I hated that he knew that.
"I think that's what Carlisle is pissed about. He doesn't think they have any more time." Alice revealed. Their voices grew louder and Alice literally dove back over onto the couch as the sliding glass door opened and they appeared again. They ignored us and continued their conversation in Felix's office again, this time behind closed doors with hushed voices.
- - - tr - - -
"Is NYU the only place you'd consider?"
Edward and I were in my bed, and he was asking me questions while I was barely coherent.
"Are you really asking me that after what you just did to me?" I struggled to catch my breath, my chest rising and falling from the hazards of that boy's magical abilities of his fingers and mouth and tongue. How Mom had slept through that I'll never know.
I had lost count as to how many times I had risen and fallen on account of Edward's tongue.
"Sorry. I'll give you a few minutes." He laughed and pulled me closer to him. My body felt heavy as lead and as loose as Jell-O simultaneously. I felt it everywhere from my head down to my toes. I laughed into his bare chest.
"It may take more than a few minutes."
It could take all the time in the world and I wouldn't mind if I we stayed like that together forever. The little shorts he loved so much were around my room somewhere and Edward handed them to me once he spotted them. I slid them back over my legs and nestled myself within his arms once again.
"Seriously, though." He whispered, playing with my hair against my pillow.
Shaking my head, I answered him honestly. "No. Obviously I would have to apply to more than one school."
He was silent for a few minutes as our breathing returned to normal.
"But your heart is set on NYU?"
I shrugged against his chest. "When the time comes I would have to weigh my options, but it's been a dream of mine since I was little. And if I got in, I don't know if I would be able to say no."
Edward kissed my forehead and I heard the defeat in his voice and it broke my heart. "I can't compete with NYU."
I shot up from his chest and looked at his face and into his eyes. I waved my index finger back and forth at him three times. "You've got it backwards. Nothing can compete with Edward Cullen."
He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "I can't get into NYU, Bella."
"Hey. Listen to me. Look at me." I tilted his chin so he had no choice but to look me in the eye. I saw the vulnerability that he always tried to hide. That fear that someone he loved would leave and forget about him like everyone else had. I pulled his mouth to mine and kissed him, our lips lazily dancing together. "No matter where I go, or you go, or we go, it won't change things. I'll still love you more than I did yesterday."
He shook his head in disbelief and turned his head away from me. "Even in New York? The city that never sleeps?"
I turned his face back to me.
"I promise. Nothing is going to be able to keep us from the life we want together."
Ove the past year, we had discussed the type of life that we had envisioned for each other and it seemed so perfect in our heads. Foolproof.
"I guess applying can't hurt," he conceded, and the excitement of the two of us going to college together was enough for me to crawl on top of him for another round.
- - - tr - - -
Dear Diary,
I feel different. I know it sounds ridiculous and cliché and over dramatic, but I see myself in the mirror and I can't recognize the person looking back at me. I think, no I know that I'm glowing as I write this. I can't keep the smile off of my face. This feeling creeps up from inside my stomach and threatens to take my breath away.
That opportunity that Edward and I had been waiting for finally knocked on our door. It wasn't planned. It wasn't how either of us thought it would be. But I wouldn't change a thing about it.
Not one thing.
It was late and Edward and I had drifted off watching a movie with Alice and Jasper. Now that those two are officially hooking up, they must have disappeared and left us at The Rec to sleep. When we woke up, The Rec was empty because of the storm that was rolling through the town. Carlisle had left knowing that Edward would be staying the night, and Felix had gone home long before.
We were alone. And even though neither of us thought it would happen at The Rec in the bedroom used upstairs when Edward crashed there, it was the most life changing and perfect experience of my life.
Edward and I finally had sex tonight for the first time in our lives.
And it was awkward, and bumpy, and painful, and amazing. At one point we both wanted to give up after many attempts of trying to get things started. But it wouldn't work.
Could it be possible that we were doing it wrong? Obviously we're no experts but is there actually a way to do it wrong?
To be honest, I couldn't wait for it to be over, even though I loved every second of that whole three minutes (I'm joking! I'm joking! But really not). Anyway, does that even make any sense?
It's hard to explain but I know I'll never forget the way the way we decided without even speaking that tonight was going to be the night. I'll never forget the way that he held my hand the whole time, worried about hurting me or pressuring me to do something I wasn't ready for.
I didn't see stars this first time, but I sure felt like I held the whole world in my arms when Edward rested his body against mine as he trembled above me. Maybe because it was my first time, but I know I'll always look back on it and love it all but not because of the sex itself. (Can we all be honest here and say that our first times are just not that great? Thank God Rose and Alice told me what to expect!) I'll always love the intimacy of the moments shared only between us. I get this feeling inside me that I can't describe whenever I think about his face in the moonlight as he drove me home, his left hand trying to conceal the smile that was plastered on his face. He couldn't stop it if he tried, so eventually he just stopped trying and the two of us grinned like idiots the whole way home.
My phone is sitting here next to me on my bed, buzzing as I write this, and it's text after text from Edward. Like me, he is too wired to go to sleep. His messages are filled with how much he loves me, and us, and how things will always be the same between us. High school, college, parents, ("cockblocks" as Emmett calls them) whatever it may be, can never come between us.
I know Edward and I will make this work.
- - - tr - - -
Next chapter is the last of Part 1. Then onto Part 2! Thanks for all the reviews and recs. Love them all!