Hello hello!
Here we are.
Most of you know where this is going.
I would go back and read Chapter 1 again for a refresher.
Enjoy!
- - - tr - - -
"It's a good thing we're going to Church in an hour," Edward breathed into my ear, warm and shallow. It was hard to answer him when his fingers danced over my body, his other fingers rubbing circles where we were connected. "God isn't very happy with me right now."
"Shut up," I whispered into the dark backseat of my car, my lips leaning down to capture his in a kiss. We parted soon after, our heavy breathing steaming up the windows of the car and making it difficult to catch our breath.
It was Christmas Eve and we had some time before we met my parents for Midnight Mass downtown. We were parked on an abandoned road near The Rec, and it was nothing but us, the snow on the ground, and the winter chill in the air. The car was off, as we had finished all of our holiday shopping and wrapping and we had a little time for ourselves before Christmas at the Swans was set to begin. It was our third Christmas together, and if it was even possible, I loved Christmas even more now that Edward spent it with us at my house. Every Christmas, my parents let him sleep at our house on the couch in the living room, and we all spent Christmas Day together in our pajamas, unwrapping presents and stuffing our faces with a giant breakfast my mom and dad cooked ever year.
And every year, it started with Midnight Mass. It wasn't our intent to go at it right before Church, but sometimes that boy made all my good intentions fly out the window. It was cold in the car at first but it wasn't long before the heat rolled off of our bodies in waves, the sound of Edward ripping my stockings in the right places breaking through the tranquility and peace in the mountains around us.
His hands holding my hips firmly in place above him, Edward's lips trailed down to their favorite spot on my collar bone. "You drive me crazy, you know that?" His husky words were strained as they fought against the tidal wave between us.
I did know that, and I held onto that kind of crazy the whole time I fell from the ledge he placed me on, him falling not far after me.
"Do we have time to stop at my house? I definitely can't wear these to church," I said and pointed to my stockings once our breathing had returned to normal and I had curled onto his side in the backseat. Edward laughed and threw his hands up in the air.
"What did you expect? You wore a skirt and those black boots."
I giggled as I moved my body in all sorts of uncomfortable ways to slide said black boots back onto my legs, zipping them up once they were firmly in place. I hopped my way back into the front seat, Edward begrudgingly following my lead. Once he was in the driver's seat, he shook his head with a small laugh.
"How am I supposed to drive after that?" He said, pointing with his thumb towards where we just were a few minutes before. "I can't feel my legs yet."
I reached over and squeezed his hand with my own, his fingers knotting with mine before pulling them up to his mouth for a kiss.
"Like I said, you didn't have to rip my stockings. Otherwise we could have stayed here until we had to leave."
"Like I said, I couldn't help myself."
We rode back to my house without talking, both of us relaxed and comfortable as Christmas music played softly from my car radio. All the houses on my street were adorned with sparkling lights and other holiday favorites, and one of the reasons I loved this time of year was the way it made the world sparkle and shine, and I really don't think I had seen anything more beautiful than the green of Edward's eyes beneath the holiday lights that seemed to follow us everywhere we went.
I told him I would be quick as he pulled into the empty driveway, my parents already on their way to mass so they could ensure us all a seat so we didn't have to stand in the back of the church. I placed my key quickly into the door, turning it and sprinting up the stairs for a new pair of stockings. My eyes caught on all four of our stockings hanging by the fireplace; the sight of Edward's stocking causing my heart to warm enough to melt the piles of snow outside.
It was the first stocking he ever had, he had told us his first Christmas with us three years before, and it made our fireplace and mantle look complete as it hung next to my own. It filled me with a sense of fulfillment I didn't even know I was lacking.
The car horn beeped into my silent moment, and I shook my head at myself and disappeared upstairs into my room, slipping on a new pair of stockings and discarding the old ones.
"What took you so long?" Edward said, the heat in the car blasting and blowing my hair once I sat down next to him and put my seatbelt on. "You said you'd be quick."
I thought of his stocking as I looked over at him, pulling him towards me in a kiss that told him everything he needed to know without my having to say the words.
He smiled knowingly at me, those eyes of his sparkling against the white Christmas lights over the garage.
"I love you, too."
We drove to church feeling invincible and elated.
- - - tr - - -
"When do you go back to work, Edward?" My mom asked as she settled herself on the couch after mass. It was almost two in the morning and the long day was starting to have an effect on us all. "Bella's grandma is coming in for a few days and she wants to be sure she sees you sometime before she leaves."
"Not until Friday," Edward replied, sitting on the couch opposite of my Mom. Felix had officially put Edward on payroll a few months ago, letting Edward help clean around The Rec. He couldn't offer him much in terms of pay, but it was better than nothing and it was the only place where Edward really wanted to work. With Edward being employed at The Rec, it made him feel less guilty about sleeping in the room upstairs there.
My mom answered him back with a smile.
"Oh, even better. That will give us a few days to all be together."
I sat in front of the fireplace in front of Edward, leaning back against his legs, my head resting on his knee as I felt the exhaustion seep into my bones. We listened as Mom tacked on her fingers all the family plans she had in store for us, and I wasn't sure if I was going to make it out alive by the time winter break was finished and we headed back for the final term of senior year.
As much as it tired me out, listening to Mom go on and on had the exact opposite effect on Edward. He loved every second of it and he didn't even attempt to hide the evidence on his face. He looked like a little kid on, well, Christmas.
"By Friday, you'll be more than ready to go back to work," Dad said as he entered the room, patting Edward's back as he passed and sat down next to Mom on the couch.
Edward laughed and shook his head, continuing. "I guess that's the good part about working at The Rec. It really doesn't feel like I'm working with all of us there all the time."
Even though we were seniors and we all had a lot on our plates, Alice, Jasper and I always made time for The Rec. Emmett and Rose were off at college, but even those two managed to squeeze in Rec time. And Edward was lucky enough to do just that but also get paid for it.
My dad agreed, "Yeah, you really hit the jackpot there. Felix seems like a pretty good boss."
"Yeah, I can't complain, really."
It was silent for a few moments, each of us lost in our own thoughts as the morning approached. Edward never complained about working at The Rec, even though the tension between Felix and Carlisle had grown to an uncomfortable level that had placed Edward in the middle. They made sure to keep Edward out of all the administrative areas of The Rec, leaving him in charge of the custodial duties, but Edward knew that whatever it was the two of them had been disagreeing on wasn't going to change anytime soon.
As much as we all hated hearing things like this, Edward told us anyway. Maybe it had been going on since the beginning but only now were we aware now that we had grown older.
"Are you ready for your presents, you two?"
It was a tradition in our house to open one present on Christmas Eve, and Edward and I looked at each other in excitement, and momentarily we all forgot how tired we were. We all answered my mom happily.
"Yes!"
She reached behind the couch and handed each of us a present, and Edward and I handed one gift each to my parents.
The gifts weren't much, just a small showing of how grateful we all were for each other. The relationship between my parents and Edward over the last three years ran almost as deep as mine and Edward's.
Almost.
"Okay, you know the rule. Only one." My dad looked at us with his police chief face on and broke character a second later with a laugh that crinkled both his mustache and his eyes.
I looked over at Edward behind me.
"You first."
He took a deep breath and started opening the present, the wrapping paper quickly becoming a part of our fireplace as he opened the box. It wasn't much, just a new pair of snow gloves he wanted so he could shovel the driveway at The Rec, but he looked at them as if they held the answer to life's questions.
After a round of hugs and thanks to all of us, he turned to me and motioned towards the package that sat wrapped in my lap. "Okay, Bella. Your turn."
Everyone nodded in excitement as I looked at them all before sliding my finger beneath the paper. It was light, and I opened the box slowly and questioningly.
Beneath the lid and the layer of tissue paper sat a sealed letter with my name on it. I recognized the emblem in the corner of the envelope and my heart quickened.
"Oh, God. I don't think I can open it. You do it." I said, thrusting it towards Edward. He looked at it, recognition dawning on his face once he saw the New York address sprawled on the envelope.
"No way. This is all yours," he said, his voice wavering in excitement. I looked at all of their faces, trying not to let my uneasiness make me throw up my dinner all over the floor. With a deep breath, I put my index finger beneath the seal and tore open the deciding fate of my future.
Ms. Isabella Swan, we are pleased to –
"I got in. I can't believe it. I got in!" I jumped up and was on my feet before I knew it, showing the letter to my parents and Edward so fast that I don't think any one of them had a chance to actually look at it in my excitement.
"Of course you would, sweetie." My mom reached over to hug me, enveloping me into her arms while the reflection of the fireplace danced off of her tears.
"We're so proud of you, Bells." I heard the emotion in my dad's voice as he placed a hand on my shoulder. I hugged him tight once Mom let me go, and after a long squeeze, he let me go and I turned towards Edward who couldn't keep the smile off his face, either.
"I never doubted it for a second," he whispered, and I melted into him. He held me close, neither of us talking.
"If mine is here than so is yours!"
"Maybe. I'll check when I get home."
"It's going to be amazing."
That night, instead of sugar plums dancing through our heads, visions of Edward and NYU lulled me into a restless sleep.
- - - tr - - -
"Rose just texted me and said Felix isn't there and they need a key to open The Rec."
Edward and I were in my room, napping from another excursion with my family. I'm pretty sure I could hear my Dad's snores coming from the recliner in the living room. Edward stretched and reached for his phone on my nightstand. He rubbed his eyes and sat up.
"Felix isn't there? It's noon."
I shrugged, rolling over onto my stomach and taking the blankets with me. "Maybe he got caught up with his family for the holidays."
"I doubt it. His wife's been giving him a hard time lately." He shook his head and stood up.
"What for?" Edward's revelation had me sitting up, my blankets falling next to me.
"I don't know for sure. I think that's why he's been so distracted."
"Yeah, maybe. Are you going now to open up?"
Edward shook his head, "I'm not allowed to supervise anyone. I'll go over and put a sign on the door that we're closed."
The Rec being closed during normal operating hours was unheard of.
"Where's Carlisle?"
"Seattle with Esme's family. He'll be back Saturday."
"I'll go with you then."
"You sure? You don't have to."
"Of course I want to."
We took my car to The Rec, going slowly over the ice from the snow that had frozen overnight. We got there a little while later, Rose and Alice outside waiting on the steps along with some other kids that had recently discovered the joy of The Rec.
"What do we do now?" Alice whined.
Rose answered without looking up from her phone. "We can go to the mall. I have some gift cards to blow from Christmas."
The most important thing I knew about The Rec was that even though it was the catalyst for all of the favorite relationships in my life, I also knew that it was a backdrop and that it didn't matter where we hung out, the only thing that mattered was that we were all together.
Emmett and Jasper met up with us at the mall, and we all had a great time even though Rose and Emmett still hadn't gotten back together. It was hard for any of us to harbor any hostilities towards one another since we had all grown up together and had celebrated all of life's rites of passage. We all rode the same rollercoaster, some of us on a high or a low depending on our spot on the ride.
For the rest of the day, we forgot about Felix and the dark cloud that hung over The Rec. We ignored the obvious stares that Emmett and Rose threw at each other when they thought the other one wasn't looking. We ate too much at the food court and spent way more than what our gift cards had to offer. We threw all of our things into the trunk of the car and just drove, not knowing where the night or the future would take us.
For the moment, we didn't care.
Not for long.
- - - tr - - -
"How is this possible? How could you not hear from them yet?"
We were driving home from school in Carlisle's old car that he let Edward use, and I had brought up the subject of the dorms at NYU as we drove towards The Rec. I looked at him in shock, not understanding why he still hadn't gotten his acceptance letter. There was no way that he wasn't going to get in; he had great grades and we had written an amazing essay to go along with it. The thought of being on the east coast with Edward made me excited for the fall to start.
"I don't know, Bella." Edward rolled his eyes and turned right. "Maybe they looked at my grades and laughed and threw my application away."
"Shut up. It's not funny."
It wasn't funny at all, especially because he had better grades than I did and barely studied, the little jerk.
"Why are you so worried about this? It'll turn up." I could tell he was eager to change the subject but I wasn't backing down.
"It's March. You should have heard something by now. Here," I replied, taking out my phone, "call them."
He tossed my phone back to me, his eyes never leaving the road as we drove.
"I'm not calling them."
"You have to!"
"No, I don't."
"Edward, yes you do!" The frustration in my voice was at an all-time high and I tried to rein it in since fighting with him was one of my least favorite things to do.
I saw his jaw clench in anger, his nose flaring as he exhaled. He was gearing himself up for battle.
"I never applied to NYU. Are you happy now?"
"What? What do you mean?" I was shouting now, my heart beating and the panic creeping itself closer and closer into the forefront of my being.
This changed everything. Absolutely everything. Everything we had planned over the last few months had all been for nothing, and he knew the whole time that he had never even applied.
I didn't know what pissed me off more: him for lying to me about applying or him for selling himself short.
"What else could I mean? It means I told you I sent my application but never did."
I was stunned and the expression on my face showed it. "I don't even know what to say to you right now."
I was seething right now. Seeing red.
"There's nothing to say. I knew they would turn me down so I spared myself the torment of doing something for no reason. So I applied to nowhere."
Nowhere!? I couldn't even wrap my head around it.
If he didn't apply to anywhere, that meant that I was going to New York in a few months and he was staying here.
As mad as I was at him, at the way he lied to me and thought so badly of himself, my heart almost stopped at the thought of us being separated for as long and as far away as New York was.
"No reason!? I can't believe we're having this conversation right now. You denied yourself the opportunity!"
"You're the one with the opportunities, Bella. Not me."
Sometimes, he was his own worst enemy, and I was usually his voice of reason when it came to him feeling sorry for himself. On the surface he always seemed content with the hand that life had dealt him but all those feelings of being unworthy or abandoned always exploded and manifested itself into different aspects of his life.
This time his feelings of inadequacy came out in the form of college applications.
I tugged my hair at the scalp and looked at him in disbelief.
"I don't understand you, Edward. You couldn't wait for the chance to leave Forks for anywhere else, and now you're staying!"
"Bella, look at me. Let's be realistic, okay? I have no permanent residence. I don't even know how to apply for financial aid –"
"That's bullshit, Edward, and you know it. Do you know all of the guidance counselors at school are there to help with these kinds of things? I could have helped you, or my parents could have -"
"I'm tired of being everyone's pity case."
"How could you think that about yourself?"
He didn't answer me. He didn't have to.
We sat in the driveway at The Rec, ignoring everyone as they hung around outside, enjoying the cool air of early spring. Carlisle and Felix had put out the picnic tables again and most of us preferred to spend our time there these days.
"Bella, college just doesn't seem right for me, and – "
"You can't say that. You've never even tried it yet!"
"I just know it, okay. I know it." He sounded final in his decision, and I knew there was no changing his mind. "I know it just like I know that New York is just a place. It's not bigger than us, Bella. Nothing is."
"You're sure?"
I sniffled, my anger dissolving into tears at the thought of being separated from him. The longest we had ever been apart was the summer before we got together when Edward found himself caught in a revolving door of foster homes and group homes, and I still hated to think about it.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll love you wherever you are, silly girl."
He moved to lift my chin up so I was looking right at him, losing myself in the green steel of his eyes through the tears in mine. He brought his lips to me in a kiss so reassuring that he made me believe him, made me believe it all. It was soft and gentle, easing my fears into nothing as his lips and tongue slow danced with my own.
Edward was right.
New York was just a place. It was distance, almost as far as two people could be in the continental US, but it was us we were talking about.
We were stronger than any of it. All of it.
And up until a week before I was supposed to leave, I still believed it, and I thought he did, too. Except all of a sudden he didn't.
And he told me that there was no way that it was going to work with me being there and him staying here.
Even though he was the one to convince me in March that we would be fine.
Now he was avoiding me and with one week before I was supposed to leave, all I wanted to do was be with him. I wanted to spend every last minute I had with him, more so than my parents, and my heart broke with each passing minute.
I was upstairs on my bed, lying face down with my head in my pillows, when Mom came upstairs and knocked softly on my door.
"Whatcha up to?" She asked, flopping down like a little kid next to me on my bed.
I side-eyed her strangely.
"Nothing," I moped, turning my head in the opposite direction. I wasn't up for her enthusiasm as my life was quickly going down the toilet.
She knew something was up but as always, she waited until I was ready to broach the subject. She sat up, patting my leg as she walked towards the door.
"Let's get out of the house for a bit. Come with me to the grocery store."
- - - tr - - -
Dear Diary,
It's funny how you dream of things when you're a kid. You paint this picture in your head and it's almost impossible for reality to be better than the dream you've dreamt up over the years.
I can tell you this much: I never thought I'd be on a plane to NYU feeling the way I do right now.
In my dreams, I smile as bright as the sun blaring at me through the plane window.
In my dreams, I fidget in my seat for the whole flight, and I see my dad in my dream joke about how annoyingly excited I am for it to finally be happening.
My mom is busy fussing with orientation schedules and approved appliances for dorms. Well, in my dreams, she is.
Reality could not be further than that dream I had, that dream I had held onto, since I was a kid.
No matter how hard I try, I cannot find an ounce of happiness about my upcoming adventures in New York. I could not care less about the new blanket Mom got me or the mace Dad is rattling on to me about.
Instead I swallow down another dose of nausea as the mileage between Edward and I grows larger, each speeding mile taking me further and further away from him and our dreams that I thought were obtainable even through four years of college across the country.
More tears threaten to fall, even though I think that it is not possible for a person to cry as much as I have in the days since Edward and I broke up. Just as I think that I have no tears left to cry, my brain reminds me where I am, on a plane without him, and my heart shatters again, and the tears pour down again. Mom hands me another tissue, and I take it without looking at her, pulling my knees up to my chest to hide just how broken I am.
I don't see how I can recover from this.
I've loved him since I was ten, and even though I lived nine years before that without knowing him, I don't know how to live a life without him now.
I don't know how to function in a world where he is not a part of my life.
More importantly, I don't want to.
I don't want to meet new people.
I don't want to experience college life without being able to tell him about it.
It kills me that I won't know what he's doing back home. I don't know where he will live now that The Rec is closed for good. I don't know where he will work.
I feel the plane start its descent back to land, into my new reality.
And there's another thing I don't know.
I don't know how to fix any of it.
- - - tr - - -
End of Part 1.