Your years here at the company are greatly appreciated.
Yet I still stood on a busy street in Manhattan, frozen in place, and in four weeks' time I would be unemployed. Let go despite being greatly appreciated.
Coupled with the remnants of my dismissal from the only place of employment that I had loved, the cold sting from the November air went unnoticed against my skin as I stood outside the revolving door of my office building. Tightening my jacket and scarf, I took a few steps towards an empty cab, but the driver pulled off in a hurry and I made no attempt to stop it from leaving me deserted in my misery.
I walked instead.
I didn't have a destination in mind; I walked until my legs and feet were as numb as every other part of my body.
I had known it was coming but it only softened the blow marginally, and for the first time in a long while, I felt disconnected from my own life. For so long I had thrown all my efforts into making sure that nothing could go wrong, never allowing myself to get into a situation that delineated control to anyone other than me, and I knew it was immature and naive of me to think that my rationale would apply to my career.
It was a cold November afternoon in New York, and as I meandered through the city lost in my own thoughts, it felt like that warm summer night in Forks when I had my life's purpose stolen from me then, as well. I hated to draw comparisons between the two situations, but besides my parents, and Rose and Alice, there was nothing I had loved more in my life than my job and Edward Cullen.
And now I had lost both of them, and neither of them by choice.
The loss of Edward had come on suddenly, and without notice, and it left me drowning in myself for a long time. It was like pulling a band aid. Quick and easy but painful to the point that I tried to block it out as much as I could. However, with this current loss, I had had some warning and had been left with a twelve month severance, so I didn't feel as lost as I was back then.
It still hurt, though.
I ended up sitting on a bench somewhere, people around me trying to catch an early train home from the city before three in the afternoon, and normally I would be right in the mayhem with them all, but today I realized I had all the time in the world. With no one's time table to follow but my own, I would shortly find out how fun of a person, or how boring, I really was.
I was lost somewhere in the memory of my first day of work six years ago when my phone rang loudly in my bag, and I fished through it for a moment before I answered it and put the phone to my ear.
"Hey, Mom."
"How was it, sweetie?" I could tell by her tone that she was treading lightly, trying not to jump into this conversation with her emotions not held in check. It amazed me how thousands of miles away and she was still able to read my emotions and hold our conversation accordingly. I felt my heart warm beneath the layers I had on to ward off the late fall's chill.
I sighed. "Well, as expected, I guess. My last day is December 28." It was the first time I had spoken since I had left the office over an hour ago, and I couldn't try to hide the rejection from my voice if I tried.
"Ah, sorry, Bells." My dad chimed in then, and I could almost see the downward shift in his mustache through the phone.
"You're better than them, anyway."
Laughing, I tucked my hair behind my ear and replied, my voice slightly louder and stronger than it was a few minutes ago. "Thanks, Mom."
"They expect you to work another month before you can go?" My mom asked after I had filled them in on how the meeting went from beginning to end.
"If I want my severance package, then yes. And it's actually a pretty decent package, so it could be worse. And naturally, it's contingent on job performance."
"Thank God for that. How are you, though?" My mom questioned again, and I tried to organize my thoughts and put my emotions into words but I came up empty handed.
"I'm okay, I think. I just – I don't think I remember who I am without this job." I said after a few moments of contemplation.
"I know you loved it. It was a great job, Bella. But that's all it was, sweetie. A job. You're young. You'll find a job in no time. Any employer would be lucky to have you."
Deep down, I knew she was right, and not just because she was my mom and knew me better than I knew myself. Logically, all I needed to do was look at my own father to know that sometimes your best career moves comes later in life, and I knew from firsthand experience that his own change in his career led us to Forks, and I would always be grateful for that.
The vibrations coming from my phone were texts from Rose and Alice, two of the most important things Forks had given me.
I nodded, even though she couldn't see me. "I know. Tyler's been trying to get a few things lined up for me."
It was true. Almost every night for the past few nights he had come home with different phone numbers or emails to give me to hold on to, his network as a lawyer here in the city never leaving me short of opportunity. I had placed them all on the refrigerator, grateful to have more to cover up Alice's Save the Date. The more the merrier.
I heard the weight lift off of my mom's shoulders over the line, her voice full of relief. "It won't be long then. Maybe you can take some time for yourself. You can always come back out here for a bit, baby."
"I'll be back for the wedding in February. I guess I could extend the vacation now considering I won't have a job to rush back to." The thought of staying in Forks for a little longer after the wedding wasn't something I was opposed to but it would depend on Tyler's work schedule and the flexibility with his firm.
"The wedding isn't for over two months, who knows? You'll probably find something by then."
"Yeah, probably. You getting things ready for Thanksgiving?"
My brain was on overload, and I could only talk about my depressing reality for so long before the need to change the subject became overwhelming, especially knowing I was going to have to have the same conversation two more times today with Tyler and Alice and Rose. I let my parents take over the conversation, appreciating the fact that they were doing most of the talking for me. Their voices, even though they were still telling me about the latest fiasco in their Thanksgiving preparations, soothed me momentarily, and I closed my eyes to revel in the feeling of home that seemed to permeate the air around me. It blanketed me, cloaked me in comfort and grounded me in gratitude.
Even though I was soon to be jobless, I knew just how lucky I was. Days like today made me so grateful for having them in my life, and in a flash my mind was on Edward, and how I was the lucky one and he was not.
It was something that I had done since childhood and it was a habit that I just could not shake. Whenever I was feeling down on myself and my luck or my situation, I always reminded myself that whatever it was, it was fleeting, and that Edward had always gotten the short end of the stick.
We had been born into similar situations, having birth mothers not able to stay past birth, but the similarities ended there. Where my world was full of warmth and stability and peace, his was filled with coldness and different rooms in ever changing houses and homes, and yet our rocky roads somehow met beneath the gray skies and green trees of Forks.
I didn't think I would ever be able to think about my own life without thinking of Edward's.
I wished I didn't.
I wished a day would go by when I wouldn't think of him, but I still did, even though ten years had gone by since I could claim him as my own.
I wished that when something monumental happened in my life, my first instinct would be to call Tyler. Instead, my brain always thought about Edward. On a day like today, instead of seeking comfort from my current boyfriend, I sat here imagining a life with Edward.
Maybe it was just a bad habit. Edward invading my thoughts was something that had happened since I was ten years old, and maybe it was something that I just couldn't kick, no matter how bad the habit was.
When the sun cast the last of its golden embers into the fading fall sky, I left my bench and headed home with a clear but heavy heart. In the end, I knew I would be okay, even if I may not have felt it at that moment. I had spent the rest of the day on the bench reflecting either within the confines of my own thoughts, or with the comforts from Alice and Rose and Tyler through the phone.
When I walked through the door forty minutes later, a small smile graced my lips for the first time in hours at the smell of my favorite comfort food wafting from the kitchen. It didn't matter that the smile itself was so small that it may not have actually counted as a real smile. What mattered was the reason why it appeared.
I had thought that he was at work all day, but I was wrong. Apparently Tyler was home, in our kitchen, slaving away at one of my favorite meals to cheer me up after my disastrous day. He must not have heard me walk in, considering that I used the word 'walk' very loosely. Dragged myself in was more accurate, and I took advantage of my unknown presence for a moment and watched him from the door of the kitchen, leaning against it quietly.
A chef he was not, but he made it look good. With oven mitts on his hands, I watched as he took out a homemade pizza from the oven, careful not to let any of the sauce spill out of the sides. Extra sauce on homemade pizza was my favorite, and my heart swelled at the thought of him remembering that little fact.
The truth was that in the two years that we had been together, Tyler really was nothing short of amazing. He had swept me off of my feet despite how firmly planted they were into the ground, despite how cautious I was, and it wasn't just because of how he filled out a tailored suit or the number of zeros he made in a year. It was the way he always thought the world of me, the way he remembered minute details that I thought worth remembering, the way he put himself second to me and our relationship.
I did not deserve him.
Tyler was aware of all of my friends back in Forks, and had met most of them over the course of our relationship. He had gotten Rose and Alice's stamp of approval, even my father's despite him not having any interest in the Seahawks or their playoff run. Mom was ecstatic of course, and neither of them had any protests when it came to us moving in together after Christmas last year.
I had told him about Edward but I had glossed over the fact that my thoughts always drifted back to him, unexpectedly and without cause.
We had spent the last eleven months happily in our New York City apartment, losing ourselves in each other and our happiness, so the sight before me didn't come as a shock.
He had on one of my cooking aprons, and he went back and forth from the oven to the table, setting it up exactly the way it should be. Dinner, wine, low lighting.
He really was perfect, and I regretted not coming home sooner.
"Maybe I should lose my job more often?" My voice tore through his concentration, and he turned around sharply, nearly dropping the bottle of wine he held in his grasp.
"Holy sh-" He started but I stepped over to him and covered his mouth with my hand.
"Sorry," I laughed at him, shaking my head at my own impulsiveness. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to interrupt but it looked too good to wait." I pointed over at the pizza, almost tasting it in my mouth as I eyed it on the table. I smiled at the significance of our first homemade pizza a year ago and the memory made me smile.
Tyler shrugged, "It's not much but I thought it would make you feel a little better."
I let him take me into his arms, and I wrapped my arms around his waist in response. My voice sounded muffled against his chest. "It's too much."
"You okay?"
I turned to look up at him and nodded reluctantly. "I will be. " Pointing at the deliciousness before me, I added, "This is a start."
"I'll take that."
When he bent his head to touch my lips with his own, I didn't hesitate. After a few moments, he pulled back and kissed me gently on the nose.
"Go change. This should be done in a few minutes."
I took my time getting into my favorite pair of sweats and one of Tyler's tee shirts, sliding into my slippers and pulling my hair up into a messy bun. I could have gone out with the rest of my friends from work, drinking my way into a state of forgetfulness, but as I flopped onto our fluffy couch, in a mix of tears and laughter, I knew staying in the comfort of my own home was where I belonged for the evening.
And later in our bed, when Tyler kissed away the rest of the world, I let him without hesitation.
- - - tr - - -
"Okay, how is your connection?"
It was a few weeks after the fateful day of my pre-termination, and I found myself Face Timing Alice inside a small dressing room at one of New York's many bridal boutiques. I had gotten the call a few days earlier that my bridesmaid's dress had arrived, and since Alice and I were arranging this order across the country, I made my appointment as soon as I could in order to get started on the alterations. Alice's face froze and unfroze haphazardly on the screen, which was par for the course in the world of FaceTime.
It didn't help that she was in Seattle and I was in New York.
"Good on my end, yours?" I answered her, trying to maneuver myself and the dress behind the curtain.
"Yes. Good to go!" Alice replied, and I could hear the anxiousness in her voice despite the undecided connection.
"Okay, I'll call you back."
I hung up before Alice had a chance to continue, throwing my purse and my phone onto the little chair in the dressing room, and eventually made my way into the dress.
It was a beautiful black dress, long and puckered throughout the bottom, and the black of the dress would look beautiful against the deep red of the roses Alice had picked out for our bouquets. It was strapless and tapered at the waist and completely out of my league, but even I had to admit that this was the kind of dress that flattered anyone who stepped into it. Even if Alice wasn't one of my most favorite people on earth, I would have a hard time saying no to wearing it.
After a couple of spins behind the curtain, I flung the curtain back along its track and called her back.
She answered on the first ring.
I scanned the phone up and down and all around for a minute, letting Alice take it all in. She was silent for a moment, so I was the one who spoke first, albeit cautiously. "I think we pulled it off." I spoke slowly into the room, watching as my consultant nodded her head enthusiastically in the corner.
"Oh my God, we did! It looks great! You look amazing!" Alice shrieked, and I joined her in her excitement. It really did look great, and for a second I imagined myself spinning around the dance floor with the dress flowing around me.
"I may have to agree with you. This dress really is great."
"We still have a couple more adjustments to make but nothing that won't be ready for the big day." My consultant, Kate, chimed in and twirled her fingers in a quick circular motion in the air, and I stepped up and turned around so my back was facing her in front of the mirrors that caught me at every angle.
I took notice that these mirrors captured my every flaw. Why did they always have the most unflattering mirrors in these places?
"When's the big day again?"
"February 24th. Still have a little time but the little details are starting to pile up." Alice moaned.
"A Valentine's wedding. How sweet!" Kate cooed and started the beginnings of the alteration process.
"Not to mention cheap!" Alice returned, and the two of them dove right into a discussion on weddings that I knew nothing about, making me shake my head and disappear comfortably in my thoughts.
I let the two of them chat back and forth through FaceTime together as I was clipped and zipped and twirled some more. On the last tug from Kate, my eyes narrowed in on the price tag hanging from the side of the dress, and I was grateful that I had already paid my dress in full before I was laid off.
It was one week from Christmas, which meant ten more days until I was on my own. Being able to collect twelve months of severance was so incredibly fortunate, but I still had to spend wisely. I had already gotten our plane tickets for the first week of February to head back home to Forks for the wedding, and I listened as Alice and Kate discussed wedding costs. Alice and Jasper were paying for their own wedding, as their relationships with their parents were strained, and with Jasper being an adjunct professor of communication at a community college and Alice being an ER Nurse, Alice was all about simplifying costs wherever she could.
Even the thought of planning my own wedding made me shudder in my spot.
I liked to think it was the cost that had me fanning my face in the suddenly hot room, but my heart tightened when an image of what I would see at the alter before I began my final waltz down the aisle flashed before my eyes.
I abandoned my thoughts before they took me any further, and with Kate's clamps firmly in place, we set a tentative timeline for when I would be able to come in and pick up the dress.
- - - tr - - -
"You totally rocked that dress, Bella," Alice said the following night over the phone during our weekly call with Rose. "You're gonna knock his socks off."
"I showed Tyler the pictures of the dress when I got home," I replied, the phone set on speaker so I could continue wrapping Christmas presents. My parents were coming out to New York for Christmas, and even though they claimed they were coming for the tourist experience, I think my last day of work was what really had them coming all the way across the country. I slid the present under the tree and reached for another one. "He definitely liked it."
"I don't think she's talking about Tyler." Rose interjected with a laugh, always the blunt one.
There was a pause on the line and I sighed.
"I'm not going to the wedding to impress Edward, you guys. I'm going for Alice. Alice and Jasper. Edward just so happens to be going."
It was the elephant in the room, and I was lucky throughout all the months of planning this wedding that this topic hadn't come up sooner.
I wondered if I downplayed it enough that they would stop bothering me and we could move on and forget this conversation ever happened.
All of a sudden the damn tape wouldn't budge and I flung it in frustration.
Why did I get the feeling that this was an ambush encounter?
"Are you sure you guys are gonna be cool? I know you don't like to talk about it, but –"
"I have no plans on ruining your wedding, Alice."
"That thought never crossed my mind. I just want to make sure you're comfortable."
Transfixed by the fire roaring in the fireplace, I took a moment before answering her. I chose my words wisely, careful not to show just how uncomfortable I really was going to be at the wedding.
It wasn't about me, and it absolutely would not become something else for Alice and Jasper to worry about.
"I'll be fine. It's not like Edward and I haven't seen each other." I prayed my words came off as nonchalant as I was aiming for.
"Just that one time." Alice reasoned.
"At Lauren's college graduation party?" Rose remembered.
I nodded with my eyes closed, "Yeah." I tried not to remember how he looked, or how those green eyes pierced me like daggers across the room.
"That was for like, two seconds." Alice never forgot anything.
"I'm friends with him on Facebook. That counts." I countered, and I grabbed my phone and searched through the app to find Edward's page.
Rose laughed on the line, "It would count if Edward actually logged on. He's one of those people that goes on once a year and likes all your shit at once so you get a hundred notifications in a day."
She was right. We were cordial on social media, and I wasn't sure if that even mattered at all in the scheme of things, considering it would be a million times more awkward in person.
Alice was right, too. Edward and I did see each other at Lauren's college graduation party, but we were only in the same room for all of two minutes before Mike Newton threw up all over the kitchen and we all scattered. We didn't have time to talk, let alone discuss anything that would help make this upcoming encounter a little easier on everyone, especially the bride and groom.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?"
I thought of little Alice and little Jasper, how happy they were together when we were kids, and how happy they were now. A small smile crossed my face.
"I promise."
There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for Alice.
"That dress is still going to kill him."
Thanks, Rose.
- - - tr - - -
Christmas came and went easily enough, and the visit with my parents was exactly what my soul needed three days later when I cleared out my desk and filled a box up of all my belongings that I had acquired over my years at the company. The day was somber and filled with tears from almost everyone on our floor, and we made the best of it for as long as we could. Some left early for Happy Hour even though there wasn't much to be happy about, some slowly gathered their things one last time, and a few, like myself, lingered to say our goodbyes to colleagues that had become friends.
Those few that were left behind met everyone downtown for drinks, and Tyler was kind enough to literally carry my ass home later on that night. My parents laughed at me, Tyler put up with me, Rose and Alice couldn't understand me through my tears and hiccups.
All in all, it wasn't my proudest moment, and it took me two days to recover and start to feel like myself again.
A few days later my parents hopped on a plane back home, I snuggled into what could have been my permanent place on the couch with the Hallmark Channel on 24/7, and Tyler went back to work after the New Year. Tia and I and a few other friends from work met for lunch a few times a week to keep ourselves from falling into the tempting waves of depression, and three weeks later I finally had the motivation to change out of pajamas during the day time and step into the gym that was on the top floor of our apartment building.
With all my huffing and puffing, it wasn't pretty, but it helped motivate me. It got me out of the apartment and gave me something to do.
In the middle of January, as I toweled myself off from a shower after a long day of resume writing and an afternoon session in the gym, I found myself following a path of pictures of Tyler and I over the years. They were scattered across the floor leading out of our bedroom and down the hall towards the living room. Our first vacation, our first anniversary, and the last picture, our first picture of us at our apartment.
It didn't dawn on me what was happening until I looked up and saw him on one knee in front of me with a black velvet box in his hand.
- - - tr - - -
Thanks for reading! See you next time!