"Say it again," he whispers, his breath trickling down the slope of my arm, his head resting against my shoulder. His hand travels in the opposite direction of his words, slowly sliding up my body and bringing my body temperature up as he goes. Eager for a response, his hand makes its way to my chin, tilting it in the direction he needs. His lips trail their way upwards, and his lips on my jaw are the last thing I can remember before they touch mine again, for the millionth time that night. His lips are soft but urgent, his tongue warm but fierce. I am lost before I even know I am missing.
"Yes," I echo his whisper and answer him, saying the one word again that solidified our future only hours before, my own voice becoming as incoherent as my thoughts. His lips break from mine to begin their downward assault and I tangle my fingers in his hair as he delves into his favorite places beneath the blanket. The early morning light ignites his hair against the crisp, white sheets, and I roll my head back into the pillows, lazily, thinking how nothing in the world could be better than this moment.
Than the feel of his tongue on the spot that drives me crazy that only he knows about. The way his fingers always manage to work in conjunction with his tongue. The way he knows how to bring me to that point but bring me back down again to tease me. Somehow, my eyes open and through their haze, a reflection bounces off from the rising sun. I smile and watch as the ring disappears in and out of the strands of his hair, watching as he spreads my legs at a better angle for him, for me, for both of us.
I lose sight of the ring completely, his new positioning of my legs causing my hands to slip from his hair and grip the sheets surrounding me. He stops for a moment, briefly, only to utter a word.
"Again."
He drops his head back down and continues, involuntarily eliciting a sound from me that I know he loves.
"Yes," I say again, this time louder than a whisper. "Yes."
I can feel him pushing me to the edge, and I welcome the fall because I know he's always there to pick up the pieces and help put me back together.
But I want to fall with him.
Together. I feel the ring weighing against my finger. Forever.
He knows what I want. No. Need. We've been here together so many times that no words ever need to be spoken about what should happen next, and quickly he's there and I'm filled with him before I can speak another word or think another thought.
"A million times yes," I say, our foreheads touching as I wrap my legs around his waist, my eyes resting on the ring as my hands slide up to grip his shoulders before I lose my grip on everything but the fall.
Our fall.
"Always yes," he manages to say. He looks down between us to where we are joined, his telltale move that tells me that he's close to losing the fight. "Give me your mouth."
I do as he says, meeting his mouth hungrily, our tongues matching the movement below that will surely be our end.
And it is.
I hold him as he crashes, his body trembling as he falls, and nothing else matters. The sun can shine, the rain can wet, the birds can sing and we can stay here, in this bed, forever.
All is perfect.
A little while later, he lifts my left hand, our ring glinting into the room and off the walls and onto the blankets. He brings it to his lips.
"Always yes, Mrs. Cullen."
"Mrs. Cul – "
I didn't get a chance to finish my sentence. That was the moment that my worlds collided like thunder, conscious and subconscious, and all of a sudden nothing made sense anymore.
I shot up in bed, panting into the darkness.
The sun wasn't shining into the bedroom. The sheets weren't crisp and white. There certainly wasn't any type of falling, that's for sure.
There was a ring, though.
But the body sleeping next to me didn't have the copper hair that my fingers had been pulling what seemed like moments before. The body next to me was sound asleep, light snores spilling out into the midnight air around us. I closed my eyes tightly, shaking my head in an attempt to erase the thoughts that ran on an endless loop in my mind.
It was only a matter of time, I knew, before the thoughts that had been coursing through me for the past week manifested themselves into my dreams.
I had always had vivid dreams growing up. They were never premonition-like, or foreboding. They weren't unpleasant, and most often directly correlated to current events in my life. I mean, dreams were dreams, and while my life events were often exaggerated and embellished upon the stage of said dreams, there was no denying that my true, unspoken feelings often came to light while my head rested on my pillow and my eyes closed.
So as unsettling as the dream was, and as much as I wished it didn't happen, it did.
There was a part of me that wished I had said yes to Edward. Not Tyler.
Edward.
Given our history and our lack of closure, I wondered if it were normal to harbor those types of feelings. I had no idea.
But what I did know was that there really was a ring.
That was the only truth to the dream.
Shaken and unable to sleep, I slipped my feet into my slippers on the floor beside my bed and headed for the kitchen, searching the cabinets for comfort.
Emotional eating at its finest.
Settling on a cold glass of milk and microwaved Chips Ahoy cookies, I fumbled through my phone to the group chat with Rose and Alice. They would hold judgement and understand where I was coming from.
But I didn't even know where to begin.
Ever since Alice and Jasper got engaged, I had tried to maintain an outward level of calm about Edward and I being in the bridal party, and what that would entail. The rehearsal dinner and wedding were a given. Distance was on my side, hopefully preventing any more in person meetings, but knowing that in a few short weeks I would be seeing Edward again, had stirred up feelings inside of me that I had tried to keep secret and quiet.
Now that Alice wasn't the only one engaged, now that I had said yes to Tyler and had worn the ring for the past week since he had asked, it seemed that part of me that I had tried to quell for so long was screaming in protest, unhappy with the finality of it all, of closing the door of Edward and I once and for all.
For years, I had thought that was what I wanted. To move on, forgive, and forget as much as I could. For a long while, Tyler succeeded in making me move on and forget. Every now and then that part of me would try to reappear, popping up randomly here and there over the years, but I was always able to squash those feelings down and focus on the man that did love me, that never hurt me, and promised the world to me.
On paper, Tyler was absolutely perfect, and I was the Uber bitch who took it all for granted and pined for the guy who broke my heart without so much of a glance in the direction of the girl whose life he destroyed.
The time difference was in my favor, so I texted the girls to see if they were awake, twisting the ring on my finger as I waited. It was beautiful, too beautiful, to be honest, the weight of it alone strong enough to drop me into the pits of my own personal hell. The guilt soared through me, gutting me all over again as I recalled my dream, how real it felt, the immense feeling of happiness that radiated through the realms of dream world and reality.
It angered me that he was still able to invoke such strong emotions from me. Not much had changed from the time we were in elementary school together to now, it seemed.
Yup. Why are you? Rose was the first to text back, and I hesitated with my response. I knew I reached out to them for help but I still didn't know what to say. They would call me out on my own bullshit if I skirted around the truth, so I decided to dive right in.
I had a dream that Edward and I were engaged.
No Tyler? Still Rose.
Definitely no Tyler. I left out what Edward and I were actually doing in the dream for now, even though the images replayed over and over and I knew Rose would have enjoyed the details.
And you're freaking out.
Freaking the fuck out. I confirmed.
Does Tyler know? I wasn't sure if Rose was talking about just the dream itself or my unspoken, buried feelings for Edward but I didn't ask her to specify.
No!
A few moments later my phone vibrated against the island in my kitchen again, and I glanced at Rose's message, walking toward the microwave before it beeped loudly into the otherwise quiet apartment. Cookies were ready.
I wouldn't look too much into it. Think about it. You and Edward didn't end the way you wanted. It's messy. Not neat and tidy like you like it.
Rose was right. Partly. I knew part of the reason why I couldn't lock the subject of Edward and Bella in a box and tuck it safely away was because there was no lock. We never got the chance to close things the way we should have, and that was the complete opposite of how I lived my life. I couldn't box it up. I couldn't tuck it away. It was left permanently open to sneak into my dreams and daily life.
I let her know that I agreed with her, and in typical Rose fashion, she eased the conversation to a lighter topic. I indulged in my warm chocolate chip cookies and milk, reaching for a spoon from the drawer to scoop up the remaining cookie remnants from the bottom of my glass like a boss.
Absolutely no shame in my milk and cookie game.
Rose and I were sending each other memes of us indulging in our late night snacks when Alice finally joined the conversation.
Hey sorry ladies, just catching up. I agree with Rose that you shouldn't worry about it IF Edward popped up in your dreams because marrying Tyler means that you have to shut a box that's just a little hard to close. However, it may be worth asking yourself if there is any part of you that is keeping that box open for a reason that maybe you yourself don't even know about.
Nailed it. Leave it to Alice to find the truth in the words I was too afraid to put into the universe for fear they would come true.
I sighed in defeat, her words making everything all too real. I texted them back.
It's normal to feel something for an ex, right?
Rose was the first to answer. Yeah, something is relatively normal. But Edward is more than just an ex, we all know that.
I could feel the tears start to build behind my eyes, dread creeping into my bones, as well.
Why though? I replied, my fingers flitting across the screen at a rapid pace. I double texted, Why can't he just be an ex?
It was Alice this time. The same reason why that box won't close, Bella.
The tears began to roll steadily down my cheeks in silence, my heart breaking for Tyler sound asleep in our bed.
Oh, God. What do I do?
Nothing yet. Sleep on it. If you can. I smiled weakly at Rose's attempt to lighten the situation.
Mexico is in a week. Can you hold off until then?
In just a few days' time, I would be flying to Mexico to meet Rose and Alice for Alice's bachelorette party. It was just the three of us, just the way we liked it. No set schedules. Just us, the beach, and turquoise water.
Hold off of what? I can barely think, let alone think of anything drastic to do. And Mexico is for your bachelorette party, Alice, not a pity party for me.
Mexico is for us, regardless of what we decide to do. Just meet us in Mexico, and breathe every day in between.
I'll try.
-tr-
Somehow, I made it until the morning of my flight to Mexico before I broke.
Completely and utterly broke.
Broke down, broke Tyler's heart, broke all the promises I had ever made to him and to us.
It was the end of January and a brutal winter in New York, and I was flying into hot and sunny Mexico in a handful of hours. The only warm thing I was bringing was a jacket that I could stuff into my carry on once I boarded the plane.
Tyler had already left for work. He had a court date that couldn't be rearranged, but he made sure he stayed home with me until he absolutely had to go. He had kissed me goodbye, a kiss that made the question Edward Who? pop up briefly in my mind.
It wasn't until I had reached into my jacket pocket to place a pack of gum for the flight that I found it.
It wasn't much, but it's true that the little things mean the most.
There was already a pack of gum in my jacket pocket. Tyler must have put it there without me knowing, knowing me well enough that I would need it for the plane ride ahead.
That was all it took. A fucking pack of gum made me realize that even if Edward and I got that closure that I so desperately needed, I didn't deserve someone as good and pure as Tyler. He deserved someone who loved him wholeheartedly, completely, with all heart and soul.
I was not that person, as much as I wished and hoped and prayed I could be.
All of our memories, Tyler's and mine, escaped from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks in waves, new ones appearing faster than I could wipe away the old ones. I reached for my phone, telling him there was an emergency and I needed him home.
I knew he would come.
He did. Not as quickly as he wanted as he had to wrap up with his client, but he came storming into our apartment an hour before I had to leave for the airport.
"What is it? Are you hurt?" The fear on his face was real, devastatingly real, causing my tears to come faster and my sobs to rip through the walls of the apartment.
"No, I'm not hurt. I'm fine," I replied, tracing his hands in mine as if somehow I could seep his impending heartbreak out of him and into me. I was the one at fault here. Not him. If anyone should be feeling any pain, it should be me.
Not him. Never him.
"You're not fine, Bella."
I looked up at him, his eyes searching mine for a truth he wouldn't find. "What is it?"
I shook my head, not ready to have this conversation but knowing that it wasn't fair to do this to him. I knew that what I was feeling wouldn't just go away with time – I had been waiting for ten years for it to go away and instead it had returned with a force so powerful I was willing to break this wonderful man's heart.
"I can't marry you." My voice came out in a whisper and with it another round of tears and sobs. Tyler put his arms around me, holding me even though his body screamed of confusion and hurt. He tried his best to understand, even though nothing I said made any sense to him or me.
He begged me for time. For another chance. For anything.
"I can't do this to you," I cried, my body nearing exhaustion from the torrent of emotions. I sat on the floor in front of the couch, my head resting against the cushions. Tyler was wedged next to me between the couch and the coffee table, and if he was an uncomfortable as he looked, he never let on.
"Do what?" I could tell that he was trying to keep himself in check.
"I love you, Tyler. You know that, right?"
His eyes cast downwards, and it broke my heart all over again. "I thought I did."
I reached for his hand and he didn't push me away. "I do love you."
"So you love me but not enough to marry me?"
"Yes. No!" I yelled in desperation, so defeated from this rollercoaster that words escaped me. I sighed, "I can't explain it."
Suddenly, his eyes that were closed and dimmed with tears, shot open and he grabbed me by the shoulders.
"That's okay. That's a good thing!" He nearly shouted and I stare at him wearily with a sniffle.
"How is that a good thing?"
"If you don't know, and you can't explain it, that means that something is still there." His hands slid down from my shoulders and grasped my hands in his own, squeezing them with hope, and I died a little bit more inside, watching the scene unfold like a car accident I couldn't look away from. "You still feel something for us, Bella. I know it. I know you."
He was right, but he was also so entirely wrong. He knew nothing about Edward and I would never dream of even letting him believe that he was never good enough for me.
He was too good.
I shook my head slowly, and began to twist off the ring he placed on my finger but he quickly placed his hand on top of the princess cut diamond that would make most girls weak in the knees.
"No, no. You keep it. Take it with you to Mexico. Please."
"I can't –"
"Please. Use it to find your way back to me."
Less than two hours later, I was in the sky flying away from New York, the place I had deemed safe once Forks was not. I had left a broken man in our apartment, fighting back tears as I disappeared down the elevator in our building, away from him and the life we dreamt of together.
I knew what it was like to live with half a heart, and here I was, handing someone else, someone who did nothing but love me, the same fate.
I hated myself, and my bank account ended up being on the receiving end as the flight attendants did what they could do keep me sane and my empty glass full.
I never was one to drown my sorrows in a glass bottle, but it was successful in lulling me into a dreamless sleep for the duration of my three and a half hour flight.
Thank God it was dreamless. If it were possible, I'm sure the dreams that my subconscious was capable of drawing up could have quite possibly killed me.
Rose and Alice had gotten an earlier flight, and eventually I bumped and bruised my way over to meet them at luggage to retrieve my bags. I barely remembered checking them at the airport in New York, but I guaranteed the people at Newark Airport will remember me and my snot and tears for a long time.
I had given Alice and Rose the heads up about what had happened, but since they were already in flight when I texted them, they didn't receive all thirty messages I had sent them until they had landed and turned their phones on to see a multitude of texts from me that mostly made zero sense.
"What was it?" Alice asked once she let me out of a squeeze that she hoped forced life back into me, masquerading as a hug.
I leaned into Rose's open arms next, leaning my head on her shoulder as I reached into my pocket to show them my Achilles' heel.
"Trident gum?" She questioned, looking back and forth between Alice and I, checking to see if there was a joke there that she didn't get.
"Are you asking me if I want a piece?" Alice asked before her eyes spotted the big black suitcase with my name written boldly on the name card. BELLA SWAN. Always meticulous. Rose leaned away from me slightly so she could pass me over to Alice so she could reach for my luggage.
"Tyler knew I would need it."
Realization dawned on their faces and we solemnly walked towards the overwhelming area of taxis to take us to the resorts. The three of us remained silent for a few minutes as we waited for our turn, arms linked in thought.
"And it's over?" Alice broke the silence between us even though chaos ensued around us.
I shrugged as our taxi pulled up in front of us and a man raced over to pile our luggage into the back. "I don't know. He wants me to think about it. Not make any rash decisions."
Rose nodded in earnest. "I agree. But let's think about it over some sangria and sand, shall we?" We made our way into the taxi, sliding as far in as we could go so more people could move in behind us. I stumbled on my last step and landed ungracefully in my seat.
Alice laughed, the sound a sealant for the fresh whole in my heart. "I think Bella's already done that."
I waved her off with a shrug of her hand, "It was the inflight drinks. The flight attendants had a plan to keep me quiet by supplying me with enough to pass the fuck out."
"Did you?"
"Stay quiet? Or pass out?"
"Either."
"Both, actually."
"Good. Now we can drink some more and you dying won't be on my watch."
-tr-
It wasn't until the next afternoon, after a late night of analyzing and discussion with Alice and Rose that I was able to step out on the balcony with a slight shift in the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I knew I had done the right thing, even though it made me feel absolutely horrible and like the worst person on the planet. I had Tyler's best interests in mind, and even though in the end it wasn't fair to him to ignore my feelings for Edward, there was definitely a level of selfishness on my part, but wasn't there a part of all breakups that are a bit selfish?
Besides, there could still have been a chance that I had a moment of realization and discovered that Tyler really was who I was supposed to spend my life with. I knew that was what he was hoping for, so I allowed myself to be open to that, as well.
The only thing I was sure of was the sun was out, the sky was blue, and there was a lounge chair and cabana on the beach calling my name.
After pulling on the first bathing suit I found from my suitcase, I left my room and saw that I was the first one up, despite it being a little past noon. I smiled into the empty room, surprising myself at being able to sleep for the first time in over two weeks. Guilt did its best to creep into my self-reflection, but I pushed the thought away almost as quickly as it came.
I was determined to have a good time, despite the havoc that I had raised in my life and in New York, and not spend another minute with the focus on me and Tyler and Edward, but instead on Alice and Jasper, and how this time here in Mexico with the girls who I trusted with my life would be my saving grace. I was determined not to let myself forget it.
After scanning the menu, I ordered an array of food for brunch, and it wasn't long after the food was delivered to our room that Alice and Rose emerged from their room, the aroma of fresh food entirely too enticing to miss out on.
We took our time, knowing the sun wasn't going anywhere. We made it to our cabana eventually, and spent the rest of the day discussing what the last three weeks before Alice's wedding would be filled with. There was one final dress fitting for all of us, Alice included, as well as the groom and his groomsmen. We stayed clear of any talk involving the best man in particular, which I welcomed for many reasons.
I watched Alice beneath the steaming Mexican sun, her eyes lighting up the shaded cabana as she shared what this past year was like being engaged to Jasper and how it felt like all her dreams were coming true.
I wondered if I looked like that when Tyler had asked me to marry him. Did my eyes sparkle as bright as the diamond that hid within the depths of my suitcase? Did I picture my dream gown?
"I didn't," I told Rose later that night as we sat on the balcony of our hotel room, our faces pinkened by the sun. I wrapped my sweatshirt tighter around me, from the breeze or my ice cold heart, I wasn't sure. "Want to know what I pictured the second he slid that ring on my finger?"
Rose placed her empty drink down on table with a clink. "Probably not but tell me anyway."
It was the first time I was honest with myself in ten years, and I didn't know if I liked it or hated it, but it was my truth for me to own. I took a sip of my drink and said my words into the air, the wind taking them away as fast as I spoke them.
"Edward waiting for me at the altar."
I guess that was why the decision to head home to Forks and not to New York once our Mexican vacation was over, was an easy one to make.
-tr-
I could write a whole other fic about what transpired in my RL in the time I spent away from this fic, but I won't. Just know that I thought about this fic every day that I was away, and know that it feels so good to be back. Definitely can't promise a schedule but I can and WILL promise to try. See you soon!