* Tuesday, Just Prior the Witch's Hour, After the Funeral *
I need sleep...
Instead, Max hits repeat on her stereo, starting up Prologue. A wine, bleeding into a crescendo, falling into a note, degrading into a downward spiral of tones and feedback.
She glances again at her phone. Willing someone to contact her again. Dreading that very same thing.
All flat chords, all down strokes. Fitting. Max may have only heard this album today but, starting her fifth listen, she is already intimate with every note, every melody, every word and instrument.
Kettering starts, a soft piano low-key beating out minor notes in steady repetition. Wet whispers from Peter Silberman, so close the mic is less in front of him and more like it resides in his vocal chords.
I wish that I had known in that first minute we met
The unpayable debt that I owed you.
'Cause you'd been abused by that bone that refused you
And you hired me to make up for that.
Walking in that room when you had tubes in your arms
Those singing morphine alarms out of tune.
They kept you sleeping and even, and I didn't believe them
When they called you a hurricane thunderclap.
When I was checking vitals I suggested a smile
You didn't talk for awhile, you were freezing.
You said you hated my tone, it made you feel so alone
And so you told me I ought to be leaving.
But something kept me standing by that hospital bed
I should have quit but instead I took care of you.
You made me sleep all uneven, and I didn't believe them
When they told me that there was no saving you.
Max mouths the words along, letting the latter half of the song, the uptake that crests higher and decays into pure vocalization take her away.
Away back there, sitting along side those machines, those same tubes. A book of photos she still clutches tightly to her breast. Beautiful blue eyes fill her with love and fear and anger and...
So.
Much.
Pain.
Through the blue eyes Max can see the battered CD case, just barely. A pair of pure white hands reach to touch. The emergency bracelet pulls back one, lifting and dragging it away from it's mate. The title, a mockery of her world, her life, white on the bloody red background.
Hospice.
Where the ill go to die.
The physically ill. Not those in mental decline. Not those of us...
Atrophy comes on.
You've been living awhile in the front of my skull, making orders
The slow metronome of the heart monitor. A held hand, unable to respond to the pressure. Max fights to stay awake but Harrison Ford's narration lulls her.
She's just lying there. Struggling to breath.
Pulling the beanie over her eyes, she wills herself to sleep.
She sees her hand pressing the plunger.
No one's gonna come as long as I lay still in bed beside her
Blue eyes, matching blue wings. Bleach and dampness. Two voices, arguing. Who does business in a bathroom? The tile is cold.
bang
Damp, loamy dirt. Easy to move. We already dug here today. The smell. And click.
bang
It's amazing how loud a gun is inside, how quiet out. Not like Hollywood sound effects. Not as gory, either. A neat little hole. Plenty of blood, but such a small hole.
bang
Max jumps. Who's knocking at... 11:39 p.m. Her phone hurts her eyes in the low light of the room. And multiple unanswered texts.
Max: go away
Another knock, lighter. A pause. A chime from her hand
Victoria: you said we'd talk
Max: go away.
Victoria: let me in
Victoria: not leaving
Victoria: gonna bother you all night until you open up
...
Victoria: Max?
A minute or two. The phone rings.
Please just leave me...
It ends only to ring again.
Fine.
'I said go away.'
'Are you- did you hurt your throat?'
Raw is the only descriptor that properly describes Max's voice. The kind of texture that only comes when you've been yelling all day. But Max hasn't spoken in hours. She's raw from holding it all in.
'I'm fine. I'm hanging up now.'
'Max! Wait, I want to talk.'
'I don't.'
'Just let me explain why-'
No pomp. She just hangs up. No more talking. Every time I talk, it hurts.
Victoria: please just listen to me for a moment
Victoria: or read this i mean
Victoria: kate's worried she knows you're upset
Victoria: she knows why and she doesnt need you to come tomorrow
Victoria: but i'm taking her to see him
Victoria: and i want you to come
Max: why do you want to do this to me
The time changes, a minute forward. No answer forthcoming. Max stares at her phone waiting.
Another minute.
Victoria: because he's the bad guy. not you. i know you blame yourself and you have reasons why. but you didnt pull the trigger. you didnt hurt people just cause your daddys rich. you let that happen because too many other people would get hurt. you saved lives. you and chloe.
Max: but why go you haven't explained that
Victoria: because you need to SEE him. he did this. you need to see that hes a different person.
Victoria: just see that there is someone to blame and thats not you
Max: ill think about it
Victoria: can you let me in?
Hesitant, but... Fine! Just to get her to leave me alone. Max shuts the music, opens the door. A distraught Victoria almost barrels over her to sit on the bed.
Neither talk for a long minute.
'I know why Katie wants to go. And why you want me to go. But why... are you going?'
The blonde takes a moment, though she had to be expecting a question like this. 'I want to say goodbye.'
So simple but-
'I need to end my life with him. I need Nathan out of my life. And I need to tell him all this.' Pulling her feet up, she wraps arms around legs. Max sits next to her. 'It's not like I'm going to ask him why or any shit like that. Why doesn't matter. I need to make sure he knows he's out of my life.'
'Why is it so important that-'
'He's tried calling me. Twice at least.'
That fucking insane...
'The first time was Tuesday, right after Jeffershit was arrested. I got one of those "do you accept the charges" and when he said my name I hung up.' Rocking back and forth. 'He called again on Friday. During the funeral. I didn't pick up, but he left a message. Kept going on and on. All the cliché lunatic bad-friend shit. Gonna make it up to me. Gonna make it right. But he sounded so different. Even though his voice didn't change, he sounded like a complete stranger. For the first time I think I really realized that he was gone, and had been gone for a really long time.'
'That's...'
So much making sense.
'That's why you came to me that night.'
'Yeah.'
Max heats up. 'You felt, what? Guilty?' Hands clench.
'yeah.'
'You fucking kidding me?' Her voice raises but no yelling. Not yet. 'You came by just because you finally got a conscious. You fucking came here just to make yourself feel better?'
'No! I-'
'VICKY!'
'I-' The pixie blonde blushes. 'I just thought- I thought...' She can't make eye contact. 'I did. I came here because I felt guilty about what happened to Chloe. And Kate. And you.'
'God dammit Vicky.'
The taller girl moves to leave. 'I'll ju-'
'Sit down!' Even Max is startled by the authority in her tone. 'I'm mad. Doesn't mean you should leave.'
'Max, I'm so-'
'No.' A had covers Victoria's mouth. 'I don't get to say "but" anymore, you don't get to say "sorry" about this. You apologized. You made it up to me.' Max removes her hand. The anger is still present, but tamed. 'I would have kicked you out if I'd known you were doing that for your own sake. But, damn, we're friends now.' Her eyes soften, though her face remains stern. 'The crap I've put you through since then probably makes us even.'
Finally, the rest of her face relaxes. A smile, small, is seen by the other girl who reciprocates in turn.
'Actually, you owe me a few.'
'Dork.'
'Bitch.'
'Vicky, if I'm a bitch, what does that make you?'
'Queen bitch.'
A silent laugh.
Max sobers. 'I'm not exactly happy here. Then again, I meant what I said. I've more than imposed on you already. I can't, you know, hold this against you.'
'Max, I didn't just come for me. Okay, I'm sorry- shut up- that I had ulterior motives but it wasn't just for me. It was for you. You just lost... I mean, Nathan, the one I knew, died for me that day. It's not the same as, as what happened to you and- I just... The most important person in my life was gone. Here one day and gone the next. I knew... you knew what that was like. I knew we could help each other. I-'
Max finally has enough. Raising one hand, that hand, instantly quells the blonde girl's rambling.
'Vicky, I get it. You don't have to try an explain it to me.'
Finally a head emerges from folded arms and legs. Sore eyes stare at Max. 'You do, don't you? Get it, I mean.' A light embrace captures Victoria. She leans into it, sighing. 'You always get it. You just get people. You understand people so well.'
'Like, really? I'm so confused all the time-'
'Max, you get me. You get Kate. And Court and Tay. And all our classmates and teachers. You just get people.'
'Not everyone.'
A shiver travels from one girl to the other.
'No one will ever really understand that man. But I bet you could understand how he got there. Not his motivations. Maybe none of our motivations. But you understand people like no one I've met.'
Where is this coming from? 'Vicky, I really don't know what you're getting at.'
A grin shows itself. 'Max, what do you see when you look at Kate?'
Huh? 'Um, a girl?'
'No, really, tell me who you think Kate really is.'
'Ooookay.' Who Kate is? 'She's love. At her core, everything she does is because she loves people. Not just-' Come on, what's the word? 'Not just specific people. All people. Strangers, friends, family. She treats everyone like... like they matter. Not many people do that.'
'What about Warren?'
Uh, how about not.
'Come on, nothing leaves this room.'
Who is Warren? 'Warren is a super typical nerdy teen. Like, totally a ball of hormones and sci-fi. But he sees himself as a knight, in his own mind. He likes to think he really is noble. Which means he is. A bit oblivious. Not because he's conceded. He just has this blind spot when it comes to people, sometimes. Sorta like the best traits of Don Quixote.'
'And me?'
No way. 'Not gonna happen.'
'Max, really. I won't take offence.'
'Fine, but you asked for it.' Try not to be too mean. 'People see you as obnoxious and self-absorbed. But they don't realize that you are really just that self-confident. You know who you are. And you are really good at what you do. When you want something, you go and get it. Sometimes you hurt people, not to be malicious but because they are between you and your goal. You're one of the most driven people I've known.'
The smile is still there, contrasting the tears now falling.
Shit! 'Victoria, I'm sorry.'
A laugh precedes a friendly shove. 'I'm not upset. That's... the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.'
Didn't I just call self-centered and mean?
'That's what I mean, Max. You understand people. Sometimes a lot better than they do themselves. And-' A break, as she clears her throat. '-you see the best in them. Even if it may not be there.'
Before she can respond, Max watches her friend quickly make for the door. But, pausing, Victoria turns before leaving. 'Max, I don't want you to come tomorrow for me, or Kate, or anyone else. And I don't want you to come because I think you'll "see the good in Nathan", or forgive him. Kate may want to but fuck that, he doesn't deserve it. I want you to come because I think you'll understand him. If you're not ready, so be it. But if you can understand just the littlest bit of him I think-' A steady breath breaks up her thoughts, reorganizing. 'I think you'll finally see the difference between the two of you. And why you aren't to blame for any of this.'
Victoria steps back to Max, crouching down to meet her at eye level. 'If you can finally see that it's his fault, not yours, maybe you can start healing.'
Max is speechless. Some few tears fall, but she doesn't acknowledge them.
'Just think about it?'
A wordless nod. Then a quiet creak of a hinge.
'Goodnight Max.'