Chapter 6

I felt blood running down my face as well as tears that I was crying. I knew that the pain in my stomach wasn't right and I knew in my heart of hearts that my babies were dying inside me.

I heard foot steps running and shouting. I turned to look and saw some one that I had seen before around town.

"Please, my babies get Juice from the club house" I managed before I passed out again.

I came too when I heard the sirens. The paramedics were talking to me but with the pain I was in I couldn't talk. They got the door open but they couldn't get me out because the steering wheel was too far down it was restricting my legs. They eventually got the car seat to go down and they got me free. I had a neck brace on and they slid me on to the gurny. The pain was too much and I screamed so loud. I then heard Juice screaming and shouting from a distance I saw him running to me and when he saw me he's face dropped.

He started crying, which started me crying. As they put me in the back of the ambulance the pain was so bad I passed out again. I came back round as we arrived at the hospital, but I felt groggy as they had given me something for the pain.

Juice was sobbing his heart out hold my hand kissing it over and over. I squeezed his hand as the tears rolled down my own cheeks.

I don't remember much about the hospital, but by the time I was fully aware what was going on was when the doctor was talking about the babies to Juice.

I heard him say " I'm sorry there is nothing we can do the impact of the crash caused her to lose them both, we are going to have to take her down to theatre as she has lost a lot of blood" Juice literally collapsed on the floor crying.

I just felt numb I didn't cry, I didn't do anything. I was taken to theatre and that was the last thing I remember. I came round in a room on a drip and I saw Juice sat up with his eyes closed. I reached down to touch my belly and began crying because I knew that they had gone.

Juice jumped up and grabbed my hand that didn't have my drip in it, he kissed it over and over. He sobbed and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity.

"I'm so sorry" he kept saying.

"It's not your fault babe" I said through the tears.

"It is though, why would someone try to shoot you, it's obviously some beef with the club" he replied.

"but what beef?, you guys don't have any beef do you?" I asked.

"Not that we know of babe but this couldn't just be a random hit" he said.

"I don't know babe but I don't want you to blame your self" I said.

The police spent hours with me going over and over the same things I told them everything I could remember but they still kept going over and over it. I was so happy when Tara came in and said that it was enough and I needed my rest.

I had broken my one leg, some ribs I had a head wound that was stitched and cuts and bruises all over my body from the impact and from the glass. Tara explained to me that they had to give me a D&E procedure. Which I was glad about that I wouldn't have to go through the labour. She also explained that the hospital could deal with the bodies or we could have them sent to funeral home of our choice and have them cremated if we wanted to.

Juice wanted to see them but Tara explained that there wasn't a whole body to see as it was an abrasive procedure, which is why they would cremate them.

I told Tara that I would want them to go to the main funeral home in Charming.

"Yeah skeeter, I will sort it" Juice said.

I was so over whelmed it was all too much for me so I asked Juice if he could go home and get me some pj's, and for him to get a shower and some rest.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah, I just need some time alone for a while" I said.

He held me and kissed me before he left, "I love you so much Alissa" he said.

"I love you too baby, why can't we just be happy?" I said beginning to cry again.

"I don't know baby I really don't" he said getting upset.

"I must have been really bad to someone along the way, because it's not normal for one person to go through so much shit in her life" I cried.

"Baby, there is noway this could get any worse" he said kissing me.

"I feel so numb, I wish they would have just killed me when they had the chance" I sobbed.

"Don't you ever ever say that again, you have so much to live for" he said, "I know it doesn't seem like it now but baby you do, we have our whole lives together. miracles happen every day"

Juice left shortly after and I cried till I couldn't cry no more. Why was this happening to me I was just getting my life sorted and then this happens. I sat there and contemplated taking my own life really really contemplating it, but then I thought of my Juice and I knew I could never ever put him through that after losing our babies as well.

Tara came in to give me antibiotics and see how I was.

"I don't know how I am Tara, to be honest I was contemplating taking my own life just, until I realized that I couldn't do that to Juice." I said.

"I know this isn't what you want to hear right now babe but I seriously think you need to get some help counselling or something" she replied.

"I totally agree" I said.

"I will get one of the mental health nurses to come and see you before you can go home" she said.

"when do you think I will be able to go home?" I asked.

"We want to keep you in for observation and then we will have to give you a wheel chair and crutches for your leg and obviously now the nurse needs to come in and asses you, so depending on what she says, it will be tomorrow morning. You will need pain killers and some antibiotics to take at home" she said.

"what are the antibiotics for?" I asked.

"well because you had to have a d&e its standard to have antibiotics in case you get an infection" she replied.

"OK" I said.

"Liss I'm going to get on to the mental health team now so the sooner that's sorted the sooner we can get you home"

She left and I lay there contemplating life. Because of the nature of the accident there was a policeman outside my room door at all times.

I heard their radio's all the time and then when each one went on break I knew. I tried to sleep but it was proving too much. Juice came back a few hours later his eyes were red raw. He tried his hardest to be positive and cheery but I could tell he was hurting.

"Babe you don't have to stay strong for me I'm hurting too and no amount of you trying to be strong is going to stop me from feeling what I'm feeling right now" I said.

"Liss babe….." he said his voice began to crack and he started crying. He walked over to the bed and held me sobbing into my shoulder. I sobbed too for what seemed like hours.

"How can I be like this over someone I never met?" he asked.

"because they were a part of you Juan half you half me, and I could have died too, you have all that on your head as well" I said.

"Babe I have never hurt like this, even when my dad left and all that shit I went through as a kid , is nothing compared to this nothing my heart is literally broken." he said wiping his eyes.

"I love you so much Juice so much" I replied.

"And I love you baby more than anything but I've failed you yet again" he said starting to cry again.

"You haven't failed me why would you think that. You have never ever failed me" I said rubbing his hand,

"I am supposed to protect you Alissa and I've let terrible, terrible things happen to you" he replied.

"That is not failing me, how can you be with me 24 hours a day?" I asked.

"Baby most of this shit is because of me and the club, I need to get out of the club" he said shaking his head.

"No you do not, they were the only people who showed you love and gave a shit about you when you had no one. You will not leave the club. You even said your self you have no beef with anyone so it might not have been anything to do with you" I said.

"Come off it Liss what beef have you got with anyone? It's obviously us" he said.

"and you will sort it as a club I know we have lost our babies but I'm still here, you're still here, we will get through this we always do" I replied.

"It shouldn't have happened" he shook his head again.

"It did though, everything happens for a reason. We weren't meant to be parents at this time or ever. It hurts like fuck babe and it will till the day we die but it happened this way because he was supposed to"

"Now look who's being strong?" he asked.

"I'm not strong though babe I need to see someone. They're getting me a mental health assessment before I can go home" I said.

"really?" he asked.

"I don't want to upset you I don't want to say it but I literally had a bad time whilst you were gone" I said, "The only reason I am doing this is for you, you are my everything I have no one else and I know you couldn't cope if I was out the picture"

"I really don't babe, if you need help take it Lissie I need you" He said.

"Believe me you will have me back how long I don't know but bare with me" I said tears rolling down my face.

"I will be with you every single step of the way" he said kissing my hand.

Later that day I had a consultation with the mental health team, I told them literally everything what had happened to me in the last few years and how I had been feeling that day and all the other days before all this.

They prescribed me with anti depressants that I had to take daily. I would also have to go to group therapy once a week and then once every two weeks I would have a one on one session with my councillor.

A few days later I was at home resting up with my pain medication for my ribs and leg. I was told I wouldn't notice any of benefits of the anti depressants for a few weeks. I wasn't eating much and I wasn't sleeping either. I hadn't really spoke to anyone but Juice since I got out of the hospital. I had one of the guys from the club with me at all times when Juice wasn't there. They had no idea still who had run me off the road. The club were on edge 24/7 because they knew they had an enemy but they didn't know who, where or when they were to pop up again.

I wasn't scared, I was still too numb and I really didn't care what was going on I just sat at home doing nothing.

I heard Juice and Jax talking outside one evening.

"I just don't know what to do Jax shes hurting really bad and nothing I can do or say can change that" Juice said.

"You won't until she has healed and that takes a hell of a lot of time" Jax replied, "Liss as been though too much in her life she doesn't deserve it not at all, but there's nothing anyone can do Juice nothing, you just need to be there when she needs you that's all. Don't worry about none of the club business or work, and she doesn't need to worry about the shop or TM take as long as you both need"

"But what about the beef?" Juice asked.

"Don't worry about that if we need you I will be n touch" he replied.

"I really appreciate it man" Juice replied.

"Not at all, you both done a lot for me my business and my family, it's the least I can do" Jax replied.

"Appreciate it" Juice added.

"and even though you're going to be here I'm still going t keep one of the guys here 24/7 until we get this sorted" Jax said.