Word count: 4,261

Published: March 28th, 2017

Edited: N/A

Edited By: N/A

Notes: I changed "Ella's" name to "Lillith" around August 2018.

Unraveling

There was so much blood.

I knew what was happening, what this all meant. But witnessing it, first hand, had my heart racing, churning in turmoil and creeping despair as I stared at the motionless form of Rose lying on the bathroom floor, blood pooling at and around her waist.

I couldn't do anything. There was nothing anyone could do. It was too late.

All of it was too late.

So many thoughts churning, assaulting my state of mind in an overflowing torrent of doubts and disbelief. The sight overwhelmed my already frazzled senses, and because of my already weakened constitution to the life-altering and defining events that took place in my world alone, it all bubbled over the edge, cresting then crashing down to burn at its lowest point within my mind.

I did not break. Not yet. Burn stains can easily mend. However, it took a lot of effort to erase all indication of a burn from a polished surface, and sometimes, only sometimes, it'd leave residue behind.

Damn it . . .

Little hands fisted at my sides, quivering with the extent of my frustration and fear, creasing in a way too experienced for a child that was my physical age preamble with a mind cultivated from years of practicality.

Could anything ever go right for Hisoka and Rose?

My voice rang out, crying for help; crying for Rose, crying for this family that deserved so much more than what was given and taken from them.

Why?

I screamed until Hisoka came running over from cooking in the kitchen and witnessed the scene that had me in a fit of worming distress.

His wide-eyed hesitation only lasted a moment before he scooped me up in his arms and ran over to Rose's unconscious body. There, he kneeled in her blood, cupping her cold cheek with hard-set eyes to see if she was still breathing, but when he saw her take a shallow breath, he got up and left her, taking me away from the scene within the bathroom and over to his cell in the living room placed atop the end table near the couch.

He was shaking when he dialed with his free hand. "H-hello yes, I need an ambulance sent to the address 509 east Evans street." He walked us around the couch and sat me down in the middle. "Stay here sweetie; I'll be right back. Mama's okay, I promise." He gave me one last parting smile before he ran back to the bathroom down the hall, back to Rose's unconscious body as he spoke to the responder on the phone as calmly and as coolly as he could manage.

I couldn't help but ask why any of this was happening, what did they do to deserve any of this. But, as usual, my questions fell on deaf ears.

But I knew it wasn't okay.

Miscarriages are a mother's worst nightmare when carrying their child.

My little hand fisted the fabric of the sundress over my chest, pain in every sense of the word radiated so deep within my heart I thought my world would finally stop.

Present

Everything hit me with an intensity of an earthquake. The noises around me sounded too close and too near, shaking me to my very core in an unfamiliar acuteness I couldn't even begin to describe, but intimately distracting me from the bigger picture at hand. This body - I could feel it seize up when my senses overwhelmed with adrenalized fear; I could feel when a softness like no other nimble its way across my forehead, bringing with it a freezing warmth that was oh-so-familiar and yet alien when it touched and seeped into skin I should never have had the comfort of familiarizing.

It was all too much, too overwhelming.

"Oh, shit!"

"What the hell!?"

Tires squealed, this body lurched with the movement.

All of this should be impossible!

"Did she just," Hisoka voice filtered through the turmoil of thoughts, twisting and agitating everything rational and true, "did she just speak!?"

Oh god. I did it. They heard me! I had to fix this.

Don't move! Don't say anything more! I needed to fix this.

Go back.

Go back inside my tunnel.

Please.

Veda . . .

"Veda? S-sweety?"

Rose?

She was touching this cheek, stroking it with trembling, terrified fingers.

Cold-warmth seeped into that cheek. Still so unfamiliar, and yet very much so.

"Veda? Baby girl? You there? Speak to me, baby girl. Please . . . speak to me . . ."

I can't. Please. You don't understand. You don't know what you're doing.

Please. Go back!

Go!

Back!

I willed it. Willed my spirit to go back.

But . . .

No more darkness.

And then I finally understood.

Cold rationalized comprehension finally had taken root inside my whirlwind of a mind, bringing everything with it to a screeching halt as my mind awakened in full understanding of my miscue of a decision.

And with that understanding came an established sense of cold composure that willingly shocked a perception of a reality I was unwittingly faced with.

Freaking out would not help in this very crucial moment, and showing my inner turmoil for the world to see would only bring more confusion and disorder in a world I was never prepared, or even willing, to partake in.

Take deep breaths, Lill. You can get through this. Do not worry about the what-ifs just yet. Focus on the now and worry when you hit the eye of the storm; that moment of peace where you can think without the outside world pulling at your drawstrings.

But, I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I had to decide on something fast. The world outside wouldn't wait on my indecisiveness; it would take any chance it got to seize the opportunity to take more from me than what I was willing to give, and it already had taken so much that I couldn't let myself falter when I was already too far ahead of myself in this unfamiliar, nameless game.

Hearing movement, I felt a larger hand touch the top of this head, running deft and long fingers through the fine hairs with intricate care, almost like Hisoka feared there was a possibility of him hurting me if he dared try to rouse this body in any other way.

My emotions overwhelmed my reasoning, gripping me with fear and a small unknown chorus of hope that it choked me into making a sound; stifling a sob from my constricting throat.

Calm, deep breathes, Lill. There's nothing you can do to change what has already come to past. Focus on the present. Focus on the now.

I took that deep breath, my lungs filling to capacity until I let it out in a stream of calming air, and the fog of worry and self-doubt slowly dissipated to only a simmer of self preservation.

For this one moment, I can do this.

Opening my eyes, I was momentarily blinded by the light on the ceiling of the dark blue minivan we were in, resulting in myself blinking my eyes rapidly to regain my sight, but when I opened them again, I found myself staring up into familiar hazel eyes laced with the fear and hope that pounded through my very blood.

"Veda? Sweety?" she whispered, both of her eyes gliding between my own, looking for an answer I didn't want to give, giving me a moment's panic of what she was seeing within their very depths.

Will she see me for who I was?

But that fear soon morphed into shock when she suddenly smiled, tears trickling down her cheeks abonament of fear.

My decision was made.

I'm not Veda . . .

"Mama?"

My name is Lilith, or Lill for short . . .

And a warmth that was exceedingly familiar overtook all my senses.

"She spoke."

And I'm a 25-year-old woman born within the body of your little girl.

My eyes pivoted over to Hisoka who was looking over the delicate curve of Rose's shoulder, his face that usually radiated joy and happiness now set in rigid hard lines with blatant worry etched into his matching maroon eyes, and similar to Rose's, combed the very recesses of my own; searching, waiting.

"Dada?" I whimpered, my heart breaking.

I don't know where Veda is, where you're little girl went.

Dammit. Pull yourself together, Lill!

"Oh, Veda!" Rose mewled, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "My baby girl . . . my sweet little girl . . ." She wiped her tears away, trying to smile through the distressing relief of hearing her child speak for the first time. Something she'd probably thought she would never have had the pleasure of hearing.

But . . .

This hurt, so much. The joy that radiated down from these two wonderful people unknowingly believing that all of their love and affection focused on their one true child had my heart plummeting in a cavity of acute desolation; shadowing a frost of numbness in its place.

I needed time to process everything. My thoughts were aimless, my focus dwindling by the second in a disorderly way of thinking. Maybe if I had time to focus, to look deep within myself without the tyrant of emotions and ideations, I could reverse this.

. . . I will find her.

But for now I needed to focus on the present.

Focus, Lill!

No matter the cost.

With understandable precaution, I was still transported to the hospital. Rose held me in her arms the whole ride there, not once did she stop coddling me, like she was afraid I-Veda-would revert back. Listening as she spoke, I held my tongue and answered with simple, one worded answers in both fear that my fabricated semblance of a child would be discovered before I had time to process everything and come up with a proper game plan while my mind held the desired harmony that, at this moment, couldn't come close to grasping.

Thankfully, I didn't have to act for long before we made it to the hospital and I was rushed inside.

The doctors ran their tests, but the result had come back with the same chilling conclusion it had always come back with in the past: the mind - the brain of this body - was developing normally for its age group. Other tests were performed, of course, but I didn't care to listen for the results. When I was asked questions from the doctors, nurses, and even Hisoka and Rose while they examined this body, I kept my answers light, simple, straightforward, and completely uninvolved to what was happening around me.

I didn't know if I was doing more harm than good acting the way I did; acting as if I had no idea what they were talking about.

And when I was finally asked by Rose what I remembered prior to the car ride, I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "Eating apples." And when she asked why I was always quiet and never replied to mommy when she had spoken to me, I only shrugged my shoulders, again, and said, "I dunno."

I found myself saying "I dunno" a lot that night.

What the hell am I supposed to say to all this?

As the night wore on, Rose and Hisoka continued to give me worried looks when they didn't think I was looking. But the thing is, I was always looking.

Always watching.

Being stuck on the precipice of Veda's subconscious with no way of communicating with the outside world made me into a "good watcher".

Heh, didn't I like to lie to myself.

And then, my quiet time I so desperately wanted finally had come to pass, but finding myself sandwiched between two grown people atop a creaky queen-size bed wasn't the most fortuitous location nor predicament I wanted to find myself in as I thought my life-altering crisis through. But, it wasn't the most unusual situation I ever have had the pleasure of finding myself in when faced with a dilemma. I did grow up moving from one foster home to the next, after all. When faced with new faces with what felt like each and every year, along with unusual sleeping arrangements, unusual circumstances became an everyday occurance.

They were afraid to leave me alone, that I'd revert back to Veda's former, desolate, maddening shell.

The truth is, I was in total agreement with them. If Veda was not able to control this body with a healthy grasp, would it be wise to let her steer the reigns of this body again?

Was I being selfish for even thinking such thoughts? I felt so out of control of my emotions. Nothing made sense. I was in a predicament I couldn't control; couldn't even comprehend and I felt like the world around me was pulling at my strings in a way that would make them snap. And if they snapped, what then?

I pushed those thoughts aside. Unwilling to face them just yet. I needed to get a grip.

Right then, without outside stimulant to distract me, I could finally take in my surroundings, tuning in sounds that no longer sound muffled while in my tunnel - like Rose's light snoring, or the feeling of sheets beneath my uncalloused fingers; or the smells of a room lightly sprayed with Febreze every morning, or…

Like the light trickle of water slipping down my chubby cheeks.

These senses, after being deprived for so long, was too much; was too little. Overwhelming; underwhelming. The destitute I had to endure while stuck in my tunnel, I never realized, or I had simply forgotten, what it meant to just feel. To be, well, human.

To be me.

And now that I had a taste of something I seemingly had forgotten, I never wanted to misrecollect those memories ever again. That would mean I could not return to that tunnel without forgetting again. Or worse yet, that I couldn't forget.

To do so now would be torture.

Thinking of even being in there had another torrent of tears falling down my cheeks.

And realizing now, I never wanted to return to that previous state of utter desolation, but with these thoughts also came a tremendous flux of guilt and shame.

My mind kept returning to one thought every time it wandered too far off from the main reasoning behind all this madness: what about Veda?

I needed to focus. I needed to stop being so self-absorbed and concentrate on the one thing that was holding my sanity in place. This was her life, not mine. I had to keep reminding myself of that fact. I was only a parasite. Nothing more, nothing less.

Taking in a deep breath, I calmed my nerves and closed my eyes. The tears on my face dried as I worked to calm my overexerted heart.

From there, I did a sort of meditation, digging deep within myself to find that warmth I always used to feel within my tunnel that I slowly associated over time to be Veda's spirit.

Deeper and deeper I went until I could no longer feel the warmth of the comforter I lied under, or from the two caring parents that comforted me on either side. I couldn't even hear the light snoring from Rose as I plunged into darkness and found…

Nothing.

And then I realized that I didn't actually "plunge" within myself, because when I felt nothing, I was able to open my eyes instantly, my senses coming back to me.

I didn't return to my tunnel. Relief was the first emotion I felt, and that was quickly replaced with disgust. I was selfish. So selfish.

So, I tried again.

And again.

And again.

I couldn't even see the opening of that tunnel; to feel it.

It was like it never even existed.

And at that moment, I remembered a life before. A life where my emotions didn't twist in a way that had me bent out of shape. Where everything was simple; perceived in black and white. That way of thinking wasn't healthy, wasn't normal, someone had told me. But at that moment - at that lowest point in my life - I wanted to revert back to that way of thinking. Where everything in my life was simple again.

Where I thought everything made sense.

Again, tears began streaming down my face and it made me irritated that I couldn't control them. With a little huff, I wiped them away, but in doing so, I felt Hisoka shift to my left and an arm wrapping around my little frame.

I looked at him mortified at the contact.

This was NOT the time!

"Veda, sweetie, everything okay?" his groggy voice broke through the silence, but when I turned my head enough to see his face, I saw he didn't have his eyes all the way open to see my horrified expression.

Rose continued her light snoring with no indication that she even heard Hisoka's whispered question, something I was grateful for.

Closing my eyes just in case he happened to crack an eye open and see the horrified expression I could not control, I replied with: "Uh-huh." Nothing more, nothing less.

"Are you sure, baby girl?"

"Uh-huh."

"Did you have a nightmare?"

"No."

Enough with the twenty questions already.

"Then why are you crying, baby girl?"

Calloused fingertips grazed over my plump cheekbone before he flattened his palm over it. Tears continued to stream down his hand, but I refused to look at him in fear of what he may see now that I was at my most vulnerable.

I was okay. Really. I was only having a hard time controlling these damned tears.

They wouldn't stop.

Slowly, hands glided under my armpits, and before I knew what was happening, I'd let out a small squeal when I was suddenly lifted up and cradled against Hisoka's chest, forcing my eyes open to see what the heck he was doing. He moved across the room, taking extra care not to make too much noise as he moved out into the hallway, leaving the door cracked as he turned on the hallway light. From there, he positioned me over his hip and walked down the hallway to the kitchen.

"How does warm milk sound, baby girl?"

Milk! Milk sounded devine!

More than devine!

Damn, why did that sound too good? So good, it was the only thing I could concentrate on.

"Yes!" I chirped a little too quickly.

Hisoka smiled as he placed me on the counter near the fridge on the right-side corner of the rather large, cottage-style kitchen. His Punisher shirt and hip hugging pajama bottoms on full display as he made sure I had a firm grip on the wooden countertop.

In the back of my mind, I still wondered about his Punisher shirts I see him wear from time to time. Never had I seen a comic book lying around to tell me if it even existed on that context in this world, or any other media that would tell me otherwise. But considering how Barney exists, there was a safe assumption that Punisher existed, too.

Which begs the question if this is my world, only an alternate reality of it.

I'd asked myself this too much, I felt like a record on a constant loop. But that thought process was not important at the moment. I was simply distracting myself, and I couldn't do that for Veda's sake.

"Don't jump down, okay? Let me get you some milk, okay?"

I nodded my head vigorously. Even if I did jump down, it would be rather painful. At the hospital, I tried to get up out of my seat and ended up landing on my face, much to Hisoka's and Rose's mortification.

These little legs of mine had no muscle mass. It shouldn't have had come as a surprise for me. Attempting to move was a faulty decision - something I was consciously aware of and could have easily avoided - should have had made me wiser in that regard, but I didn't beat myself up too much over it. My mind hadn't been in the right place at the time. On the contrary, I was playing in the left field without any foreknowledge of what game I was even partaking in.

And, of course, leave it up to Hisoka to leave his daughter unattended as he rummaged through the fridge, sitting at the edge of a counter any toddler would nosedive off of.

He meant well, I knew that. But he had no common sense with kids. None whatsoever. For a new parent, you'd think he'd be more overprotective like in those commercials where it compares a mom's first child of sanitizing the babas in hot water versus the second child where she cleans it by putting it in her mouth after the kid drops it to get the dirt off.

Despite that little flaw of his, he was still a good father. I may not have had a lot of experience growing up as a normal kid living in a normal household, but I knew Rose and Hisoka were doing a wonderful job.

On the contrary, I use to imagine what it would be like growing up with a real family, and this was exactly how I imagined it.

It didn't take him long to pull out a jug of whole milk where he proceeded to pour some in a sippy cup while humming the Barney song.

Cue an internal, suffering sigh.

After heating the milk in the microwave, he picked me up and brought me out into the living room. From there he sat me on their large couch and kneeled down in front of me, crossing his arms and laying his head on his arms as he watched me drink.

And quite frankly, at that moment, I didn't give a damn how creepy he was being. This warm milk tasted way too good!

Ignoring Hisoka, I tipped the sippy cup back and took one long drag of the warm, sultry liquid. Pretty sure I may have groaned as I drained it in a matter of seconds as the warm and delicious liquid poured down my throat and tickled my taste buds with its creamy and smooth texture.

This milk was made for Gods!

It didn't take me long to finish the bottle, momentarily distracting me from my earlier dilemma, and when I finished, I had my eyes closed to bask in the beautiful, pure, creamy delight that was warm whole milk.

In my other life, I hated the taste of warm milk. It had to be cold, no exception.

When I opened my eyes again, I saw Hisoka in the same position, eyes alight with something I wasn't familiar with and a small smile lifting his generous lips.

I thrust the Barney sippy cup at him, my eye set in determination. "More!"

Hisoka's smile grew. "Anything for you, babycakes."

I blinked. That was easy. Too easy.

He took the sippy cup and made his way back to the kitchen - leaving me alone again, might I add. It didn't take him long to come back, smile still in place when he handed me the full sippy cup, making sure I had a firm grasp on it before letting it go.

The tip was instantly in my mouth, not caring how that sounded in my head in the least as I sucked like there was no tomorrow.

It just tasted so good!

Ignoring the strange rumbling that began to intensify with each pull I took of the creamy substance, I easily drained this sippy cup just like the last.

"You sure are hungry, huh sweety?"

Nope. Wasn't hungry in the least, actually.

When I finished I let out a contented sigh before handing Hisoka the sippy cup. He grabbed it and place it on the floor near where he was leaning then crossed his arms again to watch me, a smile still lifting the corners of his mouth, reaching his eyes.

I stared back at him, shifting uncomfortably as his smile didn't wane as we simply stared at one another. Uncomfortably so.

I looked away first, however, when his penetrating eyes became too much.

However, it didn't occur to me that I was thoroughly distracted to the point of giving me a much-needed reprieve I so desperately needed.

"Do you want to go back to bed, baby girl?"

Knowing him, he wanted to stay up longer to be a creeper, but he knew I was most likely exhausted too from the days' events. He wasn't wrong. And him asking me was very considerate of him.

Nodding my head after I considered my options of staying up with him creeping on me, or go to bed and actually try to rest before doing more searching for Veda, I decided on the latter. Hisoka smiled and reached for me, picking me up by the armpits and, just as suddenly, twirling me around above him, smiling wide.

"You're so perfect, you know that baby girl?"

My face paled, finding this to be extremely inappropriate but also remembering that I was only a toddler and this was, indeed, appropriate. Taking that into consideration, I kept my mouth shut, but in that moment of contemplation (and me most likely making a constipated face as I fought with myself), my stomach decided to make the most heinous noise that had both of our faces gaping in horror before, just as suddenly, the contents of my stomach landed on Hisoka's face, effectively shutting him up and putting a stop to the sudden in/appropriate twirling.

Author's note: Oh my.

Where to begin . . .

I'm back?

This chapter is suppose to be twice as long, but I split it up. Why? Because the second half isn't edited correctly and I really want to let you guys know I'm still here.

Why was I gone for SO freakin' long?

Long story. Around the time my last chapter was published, someone stole my dog. Not going to go into details, but I didn't get him back until a month later and in not the best condition. That, alone, put me in DEEP depression.

But, everything is good now! Hes healthy. Happy. I'm healthy. Happy. Etc.

My next chapter, once it is edited, will have a little bit of a lengthier author's note. Just know that this chapter was meant to be MUCH longer with more things, important things, happening in it. It was also suppose to end Veda's "Toddler" faze, too.