::Sneaker's SnacShak – Musical Chairs::

Dee had spent the bus ride doing research on this new pizzeria, flopping back in her seat just as she plugged in earbuds to watch a YouTube clip that had come up with a general google search. It appeared that, aside from featuring passable pizza, the chain known as Sneaker's SnacShak was one of those joints that featured creepy animatronic mascots that were supposed to somehow be cute. The video was of four bulky, man-sized machines jerking in janky pantomime of playing a song on stage, each modeled after some kind of animal. Front in center in the 'leading man' role was the apparent mascot of the chain, Sneaker, who was an excessively obvious Chuck-E-Cheese rip-off as a fluffy mouse that happened to be white instead of gray, and dressed more like an 80's Greaser than a 90's Skater Boy, with a black leather jacket decorated in silver studs. The rest of the band followed the theme, though Dee didn't take the time to register what the rest of the mascots were or their names... in part because she'd gotten a text only seconds into the video, and the alert banner covered a third of her screen.

The message was from Kenny, in all caps.

[Received, 7:44] DONT HELP CARTMAN

She blinked. She hadn't exactly been planning on assisting Eric any further than necessary to get him to lay the fuck off, if only because refusal might force a confrontation. They did have a deal, after all, and that meant if Cartman felt he had a beef with her, she'd be getting the full and direct brunt of it. Taking their friends off of the table was a victory against possible splash damage... but it didn't remove Cartman's teeth by any measure of imagination. She figured she'd actually be a proper troll about it and make a public Facebook post, which would no doubt incur so many entries into the raffle on Cartman's behalf, and constitute an implicit invite to every person that did so, that while he would win the party he probably wouldn't actually be able to utilize any of the prizes.

Kenny texting her in caps, however, was something that was excessively rare. Usually reserved for crisis, and it sent an electric tickle of adrenaline down her spine.

[Sent, 7:45] Why not? I was gonna go the 'too much of a good thing' route and fuck 'em over.

She glanced out from her monopoly on the very last seat on the bus- a weird little half-seat next to the emergency exit that kept her out of Stan and Kyle sitting together on the last seat on the other side of the aisle, and left Kenny crammed in next to the window with Cartman dominating the outside of the seat so he could face outward in the seat just in front of them. Eric's bulk had shifted half-way into the aisle, excitedly telling Clyde about the new pizzeria and the raffle, and allowing her to catch sight of Kenny over the extended curve of the bigger boy's back. Kenny's lanky frame was half-curled, knees up on the back of the seat and his hood tightly drawn, face invisible and his phone appearing to be the sole focus of his attention as thumbs tapped a reply.

[Received, 7:45] Karens b-day is on sunday
[Received, 7:46] shes never had a real party
[Received, 7:46] if we make entries under her name and she wins she would be so excited
[Received, 7:47] pls dude, it would make shit so special for her if she could have a real party with her friends
[Received, 7:47] even if they suck

Attention drug back to her phone, Dee had to stare a second. Karen's birthday. No wonder Kenny was spun up; this was an opportunity that dropped out of the goddamn sky, and just in time for something special to happen. It was almost like the stars aligning to make a little girl have a happy birthday.

She scoffed at that last comment, though.

[Sent, 7:48] Still haven't forgiven Dougie?

[Received, 7:48] fuckno i havnt forgiven the little fucker sack of shit turned my sis to the fucking dark side and put her in danger
[Received, 7:48] hes lucky doc showed up or i woulda made his face into hamburger
[Received, 7:49] little twat can suck my dick for the next ten years and imma still glare at him every time we cross paths
[Received, 7:49] so he knows exactly what the fuck is up

[Sent, 7:50] Have you TALKED to Karen about that, yet?
[Sent, 7:50] Like actually asked her what the hell went down, gotten her side of things?

There was a pause. Dee peered across the aisle again, but Eric had leaned back and blocked Kenny from view. In her attempt at peering at her boyfriend, she instead made brief eye contact the asshat she'd have to contend with if Karen had any hope of bagging a birthday party. The contact was accidental, awkward, and locked her into a stare-down she hadn't been prepared for when Eric didn't immediately make a derisive face at her. Instead he smiled like they were legit buddies, and left her to contend with that as he returned to chatting up other kids on his plan to win the raffle.

She felt like she'd just thrown up in her mouth a bit, quickly turning her attention back to her phone.

[Received, 7:52] no
[Received, 7:52] its not like its hard to figure out tho
[Received, 7:53] he prolly roped her into it the same way cartman ropes us into his shit all the time
[Received, 7:53] i dont blame her dude, dougies the shithead

Dee felt like bashing her forehead against the window, or lobbing her phone high in hopes of smacking Kenny in the head with it. He was usually the smart one between them, but he'd gone off and decided he knew what happened without actually talking to Karen about it... and Kenny's protective behavior wasn't known to wane.

No, no, swooping in and saving the day was quite literally part of his MO for how he treated his sister. Dee had been part of that bullshit, once, and smacked him right over the top of the head when it came out that the whole reason they had to rescue Karen from lame vampire kids was because she had no other friends besides her big brother.

[Sent, 7:54] Please don't make this Casa Bonita all over again. Fucking talk to her. Please.
[Sent, 7:55] You literally lose nothing but a few minutes of your time by asking for her side of the story.
[Sent, 7:55] I swear on Hitler's inadequate penis that if this ends with me fighting another dead pop star I will personally stick an ax in your skull

[Received, 7:55] low blow dude not cool
[Received, 7:56] its not like ive stopped her from telling me anything
[Received, 7:56] if she wants to talk about it she hasnt fuckin said anything
[Received, 7:56] she was sharing our movements to dougie so she obvs knows about the mysterion thing
[Received, 7:57] idk maybe she just found out and needs time to process that shit
[Received, 7:57] u gonna help with the raffle or wat?

Tantric titty twisters, that's some hardcore denial you're riding, boy. It was a force of will not to roll her eyes back into her head so hard she damaged her optic nerves. She may not have been the brightest bulb in the box, but if there was one thing she recognized, it was controlling behavior. What Kenny was doing came from a good place, but it was going somewhere bad on a fast train.

The message 'You realize what you're doing counts as red flags for abusive behavior, right? Isolation tactics? Alienating her friends?' was typed on her phone, but she hesitated on sending it. Usually she never held back from going straight for the kill, but... well, he was her boyfriend. Making him mad risked all the other things she liked having through the school day, like sitting together at lunch and texting each other jokes between classes.

With a sigh, she pressed and held the backspace on her touch keyboard. She'd said her piece. Kenny was a thinker. She could hope that he'd think about what she'd already said, and he'd figure it out on his own without her bashing him over the head with it.

[Sent, 7:59] Yeah, yeah, I'll rally the troops to help with Karen's birthday.
[Sent, 7:59] I just gotta make it look like Cartman's winning right up until he isn't, or he'll be up my ass.

[Received, 7:59] lol sure ur ass could take that? i mean its powerful but cartman is a pretty big load of shit

Kenny's muffled giggling could be heard over the general din of the bus. Dee rolled her eyes, but smirked.

Too fuckin' true.

The unit on health and human sexuality had started at the beginning of this week- a unit in science class that began with a rather unusual permission form going home that allowed students to opt out if their parents didn't want them learning factual sex ed at school that included discussions of anatomy and what the holy fuck consent was. Until this specific morning, Dee had been mostly tuned out of the content of the class, being someone who hadn't gotten her education on sex thus far exclusively from pornography, or bible thumpers for that matter. While Ace fielded dumb questions from boys and girls about the locations, sizes, and variety of genital formations in the past couple of days, she'd silently filled in her anatomical worksheets and fiddled with her phone under the table as a way of ignoring the hell out of Cartman.

Today, that became impossible.

The teacher, Ms. Eise-Herr [also known as Ace], didn't have her customary exuberance going on this specific morning. In fact, she seemed downright pensive, wringing her hands together after wheeling in a covered cart to the front of the room, a look of contrition on her face as the last bell rang and kids settled down at their two-person tables. Two-person tables that decided defacto lab and project partners, and left Dee as Cartman's safety net on every single damn assignment where copying down notes from the textbook was involved.

Another reason she was hesitant about the whole telling the world she was actually a girl thing. Eric was going to throw a shit-fit when he realized he was stick with a girl as a lab partner for the rest of the year, and no doubt all of his ripping would take on a gendered bent.

I could always kill him. I know people who would help hide a body. It is an option.

Such considerations were interrupted as Ace cleared her throat, putting on a smile that didn't want to exist on her face and greeting the class. "Good morning, everyone. Continuing in our health unit... we've reached a mandatory portion of the curriculum on child care. The state has decided that if kids are going to know how babies are made, we also need to prepare them for the possibility of parenthood as if it's a certainty, despite the fact that not everyone wants to participate in that."

Ace's tone was that of verbal cringe. She glanced at the large wheeled cart once more. Clearly, the teacher was not happy about this part of the curriculum, despite having trilled anatomical terms at the class for the past four days and encouraged the giggles, informing the class that laughter is a way to get over discomfort with something... but she wasn't laughing at this.

"I'll be honest, kids." Ace confessed, ceasing to wring her fingers and putting her hands on her hips instead. "I personally think forcing kids your age to pantomime parenthood is dumb and assumptive. Some of you may not even engage in partnerships that end in procreation in the future, and we teach consent and contraception to try and help prevent accidental pregnancies, but the curriculum still includes a child-rearing unit, so we're going to get through it as quick as humanly possible by making it an over-the-weekend project."

A hand shot up near the front; Bebe, with her blonde curls and a bright red turtleneck that set off the strawberry tones in her hair.

"Yes, Bebe?" Ace nodded, encouraging questions.

"We already did a child-care thing back in fourth grade- with eggs!" She declared. "Is this gonna be anything like that?"

Dee blinked. She hadn't been here for that, but she was getting more intrigued all the time. What was in the cart Ace had brought in? … and what over-the-weekend project was she going to be stuck doing with Cartman that had to do with child rearing?

Something about that mixture of thoughts made her just a little sick. She glanced at the kid with a tight frown on her face, surprised to find him looking at her at the exact same moment. His expression as unresolved surprised. Eyebrows raised, jaw loose. Not angry, not disgusted, just looking.

She jerked her gaze back to the front at Ace answered Bebe's question.

"It's going to be a little more involved than eggs, actually." Ace answered, pulling the cover off of the cart she'd wheeled in.

The cart had several shelves on it, and sitting on those shelves were... baby dolls. They landed right in the uncanny valley, with mostly realistic faces molded out of plastic and of the appropriate size for infants, each one dressed in some manner of pastel baby clothes.

"Each table of lab partners is going to be assigned one of these dolls, which I will activate at the end of class." Ace explained, picking up one of the dolls the way one might pick up a severed head- gingerly; out of disgust, not care. "These things are made to simulate what it's like to care for an actual child; they have speakers with which to cry at random times, and sensors to detect whether or not they're being given appropriate care. They will know if they are shaken, if they are dropped, if they've been wiped the wrong way, whether or not they've been kept warm enough, or left in a hot car- so on and so forth. Each one of these has a small army of sensors, and when you and your lab partner come back on Monday morning you will get a grade on this project based on what those sensors have to say about your quality of care."

Ace cleared her throat, muttering something that Dee didn't quite catch, but sounded a lot like not that the grade will amount to much.

"W-wait- so- MISS TEACHER!"

"Eric, please raise your hand." Ace tucked the doll she was holding beneath her arm like a football.

Cartman didn't bother, continuing on as if he'd been acknowledged the same way Bebe had. "Dee's a dude, we can't raise a baby together! Someone will try to assassinate it!"

Of the ridiculous things Eric might have claimed, that got Dee to jerk her head over and stare at the guy. Assassinate a baby doll? For having male 'parents' in a simulation? Who the fucking hell- oh right. Garrison. That's who. Sometimes it feels like you guys have decades-worth of stories about that asshat... then again, I was only in his class for a couple months before he went off to become Mr. President, and that certainly felt like at least five goddamn years...

"I'm assigning these dolls regardless of the gender of lab partners, Eric." Ace sighed, too done with all of this to enforce classroom rules. "And if anyone wants to start a fight about same-sex parents, they can talk to the PC Super, and then probably say hello to the ISS office and community service for the rest of the week."

"No, you don't understand- I can't get partnered with this kid!" Cartman whipped out a chubby finger, stabbing it quite nearly into Dee's face. "He's got communication issues! He never talks! I can't raise a kid with someone who won't meet me half-way!"

You mean someone you can't manipulate into doing the whole thing for you. Dee almost scoffed aloud, not emoting in her face at all but to face forward again. If Cartman's finger had jabbed any closer, he would have gotten one of her eyes. If you think I'm taking that fucking screaming simulation for the whole weekend, you've got another thing coming, and it's my boot up your grande ass.

Ace stared on for a moment, as if calculating how much effort she'd have to expend to force Cartman do deal with his assigned partner verses how much she really wanted to get started with this lesson so it could be over with.

She finished said calculation with dull eyes and a sigh.

"Alright. Dee, Heidi, swap."

"WHAT?!"

That wasn't Cartman. That was a voice from the back of the class; the last table in the middle column, which was occupied by Heidi and Butters. Heidi was the one who had cried out, and she sounded... less than pleased.

"Ms. Eise-Herr, that's not fair!" Heidi shouted from the rear of the classroom, standing up out of her chair and putting her hands down on the tabletop; a dramatic posturing that caused the rest of the class to crane their necks and watch the exchange with wide eyes. The girl was as she usually was; light brown hair evenly parted in the middle to frame her face, which was currently contorted for her hazel eyes to bug out wide while her jaw remained open from her cry of 'unfair.' Unlike most girls in the grade, she'd not bothered with any kind of make-up, not even lip-gloss, and the most feminine thing about her was the pink flower the chest of her green shirt. She perpetually wore gym shorts; the long variety usually sold in the boys section that came down to the knees and hung loose for maximum comfort, with a set of leggings underneath and sneakers that had been white when new, but were now a mottled mix of gray, brown, and green from how much time she spent running on turf with them. She was also oddly tall in the grade, having hit an early growth spurt by anyone's standards, which only helped her times in the school's track team as their new favorite sprinter.

"We don't have enough of these things for kids to opt into doing it alone, Ms. Turner- they cost the school six-hundred dollars a pop." Ace returned cooly. "And I know that Dee and Butters can at least get along. Swap."

Heidi's mouth was open for a moment, as if she were going to complain and argue further, but instead her jaw snapped shut. Dee recognized the tension in the girl's face; the grinding of teeth that turned angry words into a fine metaphorical powder. The girl swallowed, stood up from the table she shared with Butters, and picked up her things. "Yes, ma'am."

Whispers spun about the room; girls leaning over to other girls and murmuring as Heidi took a walk of shame. Dee had gathered up her own things, relief vying with guilt- she wouldn't with Cartman on anyone, but Heidi? Knowing their history?

She felt somewhat sick stepping way from her chair to let Heidi take it. She made brief contact with her, and she gave the taller girl a regretful wince. Dee didn't talk to the girls, such as they were, but Heidi had been distant from that group for the past couple years. Still connected, but more in their orbit than part of their world. As such, she and Dee had crossed paths once or twice, but never really talked or interacted beyond town and school shenanigans.

All that said, Heidi seemed grateful for the sympathy, and put on a bitter smirk and a shrug. It was a nonverbal statement Dee understood easily.

'Don't worry, I can handle this. It'll suck, but I can handle it.'

"Yes, Clyde?"

Apparently Ace was still taking questions as seats were being shuffled. Dee left her seat next to Cartman to Heidi, and trekked to the back of the room to join Butters at his table. Kid looked worried- had he and Heidi become friends? Or maybe he just like having her as a lab partner.

"Kevin's parents opted him out of this unit; I don't have a lab partner." Clyde pointed out as Dee took her seat, peering to the front. It was true; Clyde currently had his table to himself, as he had all week. Kevin had been shifted to a study hall instead.

"Ah, right. Pick a group to join with; there's nothing wrong with simulating a polyamorousgroupraising a child." Ace nodded along with herself.

"Polly-anus?" Cartman's grating voice questioned loudly, getting scattered titters from some boys in the class. "Miss teacher, I wasn't aware we'd be bringing parrot butt into this class."

"Polyamorous." Ace corrected, lacking patience for Eric's usual crap. "Poly can be a term for people who find romantic satisfaction with more than one partner, sometimes forming a polyamorous group that shares everything we think of when it comes to romantic couples."

"More than one partner?" Red spoke up somewhat rudely. "Isn't that just called being greedy or cheating?"

Ace sighed, putting her hand to her brow. At the same time, Clyde had gathered his things and stood up from his usual table, peering over the possible groups for him to choose from. Dee figured he'd go pick one of the girls to join up with, like Red or Bebe, or maybe hop in with Craig and Tweek since they were all in the same regular group. Instead, she found herself surprised as he made his way to the back of the class... to approach her and Butters' table.

"Is it cool if I join your guys's group?" He asked quietly as Ace launched into a full explanation of different romantic arrangements people engaged in- it seemed the woman was willing to take it as a delay of the inevitable handing out and activation of the creepy baby dolls.

"Why sure!" Butters responded with his usual friendly tenor, if a touch loudly. "We don't mind ya joining up with us, right?" Butters glanced back to Dee for approval.

She couldn't help quirking a brow at Clyde. Why aren't you... womanizing or something? This isn't your usual MO. Butters is considered off-brand lame at best, and I don't even know what fucking category I fall in besides 'associated with Cartman.'

"Butters always gets projects done on time with perfect scores." Clyde answered her questioning look with a shrug. "And you think I wanna get in the middle of the power couple? No thanks."

She supposed that was true. Craig and Tweek didn't get intense often, but when they did, it tended to be explosive. Something like this was prime for drama. With a shrug, she nodded. Sure, why the hell not?

She'd just have to hope Clyde didn't try to dump his portion on them like an asshole.

::The Author's Corner::

So full disclosure here, this specific subplot was suggested by a person on the Tumblr, and I decided to run with it. I remember my middle school sex ed class had ONE of those dolls, which we all had to practice changing a diaper on, and I found the little fucking thing creepy as hell... so we're rolling with that.

I'm also rolling with a few other things, hopefully it comes together into a fun ride.

ONWARDS!

-Buttlord