::Sneaker's SnacShak – [Insert Leather Daddy Joke Here]::

Dee had been made slightly nervous when Kenny suddenly approached to take her aside. Her instant worry was that something had gone wrong with the plan, and Cartman was on to them, though she'd kept her usual casual stoic air when being led away from Clyde and Butters and out of the crowd. Kenny brought her as far as one of the decorative stone pillars that dotted the main atrium of the mall, currently ringed in garland and white lights for the holiday season, and erred on the far side of it to duck away from the general foot traffic of people doing their holiday shopping and/or bumming away their afternoon.

"Does this matter to you?"

The question was hastily spat out, like Kenny had been sitting on it for an extended period of time... and caught Dee out of left field. She'd been expecting a report of disaster for the energy she'd been catching off of him, and instead... what? She cocked her head at him, feeling her cheeks rise up beneath her eyes as one eyebrow quirked into a tight squint, the other rising up to make her the picture of skeptic confusion with a sucked in pucker beneath it all.

What in the name of anime titties are you talking about? Try using all the words, Kenny, seeing as I can't really use any right now.

"Don't give me that look, you gotta know what I'm talking about."

Both eyebrows shot up, although eyes remained narrowed while her lips resolved into their usual zero fucks to give flat line.

No, no I don't. And I fucking hate guessing games.

It wasn't like him to get distracted from the central mission- particularly not when Karen's happiness or safety was involved. All the serious consideration she'd taken in keeping Eric in the dark, all the effort she'd put into getting a mob of kids together who wouldn't spill the beans to one fat asshole who could ruin everything, felt like built up momentum that slammed her straight into a brick wall as Kenny danced around whatever it was he meant to say, driven by some vague anxiety not to just say it.

Oh fucking Christ, don't tell me...

The rounded shape of her eyebrows came crashing down, bold brown lines over green eyes as she pointed at the baby doll he was holding as if it were a breathing infant.

As if on cue, the thing started crying. For some reason, the crying of someone else's assigned torture device annoyed her more than the one she'd been assigned. The squalling was more unbearable, somehow driving a tiny wedge between the links of her spine in her lower back and sending a wretched burst of disgust burning between her shoulder blades. Maybe it was from years of hanging out with Cartman, but hearing anything cry like that, even a machine, made her want to punch the source with all her might.

"Fuck, again?" Kenny cursed, sounding no happier. "I just changed you, so it better be something else..."

"Did you kids come for the raffle?"

Dee turned sharply as a new voice interrupted from nearby. It had an odd quality to it; somewhat muffled, but not like Kenny where there was always something soft in front of the kid's mouth. No, no, more like putting a speaker in a metal bowl, amplifying the sound but also bringing in a tinnier quality; even if you had the treble at zero and the bass at max on your music machine of choice.

Maybe it was because she was already on a short fuse, but sight of where the voice had come from just about made her jump out of her skin.

It was a person in a mascot suit, but the suit wasn't made of the usual soft fabrics that usually went with the territory. No, it was obvious the suit had more structure, hard sections over limbs and overlapping pieces over joints, only then made more cuddly by the addition of fabric and faux fur, and turned extremely bulky with the final addition of clothing made to fit the cartoonishly proportioned mascot. She might have mistaken the whole thing to be a free-roaming animatronic, if not for the lack of gigantic glass eyes usually associated with the style. Instead, the head piece seemed strangely dark and hallow, with the glint of human eyes within, staring out... and, in this moment, down upon herself and Kenny.

The next she realized was that she'd seen this design before. This morning, when she'd been looking up Sneaker's- the mascot was a white mouse with a black leather and rhinestones aesthetic; the titular Sneaker himself; or rather, someone wearing a Sneaker costume.

A weird smell caught in Dee's nose. Something pungent but difficult to place, and mildly engaged her gag reflex the more she studied its unique quality. It wafted off the costumed man who had somehow managed to approach them without notice, despite the bulk of what he was wearing and how heavy it had to be.

"Dude, the fuck smells like week-old jizz?" Kenny quested, not having turned to look when they'd been spoken to. No, he'd been desperately seeking a place to put his robot child down so he could go through his pockets with both hands and locate the bottle that had come with the baby for feeding it. The place of choice ended up being the flanged base of the stone pillar they'd taken refuge by; the edge was only a few inches wide but at about hip height. With the thing's screeching as motivation, he ensured the doll didn't fall by trapping it against the edge with his body, scoured his pocketed until he found the needed item, and hastily scooped the wailing machine back up before anything could go terribly wrong. It was only when he'd cradled the thing in one arm, moving to 'feed' it with the other hand, that he turned around and faced the strangely looming mouse mascot.

"Whoa!"

Understatement there, buddy boy.

"Today's the last day to sign up- I'm having a grand opening of my new pizzeria, right here in South Park!" The man in the suit jovially promoted, throwing his hands up in the air for for effect. Colored confetti actually released from his hands with a faint pneumatic phunt sound, colored green, silver, and gold. "The results are going to be announced tomorrow morning on the local news, and one lucky kid is going to win a big Sneaker's-style bash for them and all their friends!"

She had to give the guy this, he had the right energy. The trouble was that the costume just made his whole song-and-dance land somewhere in the uncanny valley. In every way he was the excited mascot, drumming up extra hype, but something was off in a way that made Dee's instinctual paranoia want to kick the guy straight in the leather-clad mouse nuts.

It didn't help that Kenny's baby was still crying. In fact, it seemed to be shrieking even louder than normal, as if the machine had the ability to be actually distressed.

"We know!" Kenny piped up, though he lacked the anxiety that had settled in the pit of Dee's stomach. "I brought a bunch of my friends to sign up, too! My sister has a birthday this weekend, and I'm hoping to win the party for her!"

Dee shot a shocked glance back at Kenny. The hell was he saying all that to this creeper for? It wasn't like the guy in the mascot costume was going to change their odds-

"Really?" The man who was effectively Sneaker suddenly bent down so that his creepy, over-sized mascot head was on-level with them. "Well aren't you the best brother who's ever lived! That's so sweet of you- what's your sister's name?"

Eye to eye with the thing did not help the uncanny issue at all. Dee had decided, it was the eyes, or apparent lack thereof. She could see the shadowed hints of someone's face inside the head piece, the faint pin-pricks of light reflecting off of a human person's eyes, but aside from that they were ultimately dark holes in a cartoon face, taking something that was default fun and making it strange and unfamiliar.

Up close, she also noticed that the mouth of the mascot head wasn't stitched closed. No, she could see the upholstery end where buck teeth sat, and more teeth within. The jaw didn't move when the man talked, so it wasn't rigged up to pantomime speech... or maybe it was, and it was broken?

Why would it have so many teeth?

"Karen!" Kenny informed without hesitation. "Karen McCormick- she's turning ten this Sunday."

His baby was still flipping out. When the mascot bent close, Dee could have sworn it got even louder. The sound was stabbing into her ears, so much so that she feared they might start to bleed. Kenny was no longer focused on placating it, however, focused instead on this man and his strange-smelling costume.

The mascot man put a finger to the muzzle of his mouse-head costume, as if signaling for them to keep a secret. "Make sure to watch the drawing, kiddos... this little Karen McCormick might just turn out to be the luckiest little girl in the world."

With that, Sneaker suddenly stood up and away from them, flouncing off in a manner that could only be described as gaily, no doubt to find another cluster containing kids still young enough to get excited about arcades and cheap pizza.

Almost as soon as he cleared their sight line, Kenny's doll stopped crying.

"Jesus, that took long enough. I feel like Ace gave me a fussy one on purpose." Kenny sighed, shaking his head and pocketing the bottle, bringing the doll up to his shoulder to gently burp it, as they'd been shown. "Blood-belching vagina..."

Dee scoffed; he'd get no argument from her about the dolls being stupid, shaking her head a little. All that crying had been painful, she did not look forward to the day she had to look after the one she was sharing with Butters and Clyde- they'd insisted on naming it, too. Izzy. The pair had started acting like baby-blinded dorks ever since Stan had his meltdown at lunch, as if being enthusiastic about this project were a performance of worthiness to possibly interested girls.

That said, Kenny's motions had a little more practice than what they'd been taught in class today. He appeared pretty comfortable patting the doll until it made the appropriate gurgling sound that signaled a successful burp.

Catching her sidelong glance, she watched his eyes widen before letting out a faintly self-conscious giggle. "I got into babysitting for a bit, once- pretty good money for dressing and drag and getting thrown up on. I learned how to change diapers when Karen was still small- our parents sometimes got too fucked up to take care of her, and Kevin and I couldn't stand the crying anymore. Kevin read the directions, and since I was the little brother I had to do the gross bit. Came in handy for earning pocket change, until Cartman tried to get into the biz and ruined it."

Checks with chart, Eric regularly does that. Wait, I think I actually remember- that was last year, and Cartman tried to make a competing baby-sitting agency and called it Slut Babysitting, and wires got crossed with the advertising. Whole thing blew up.

She nodded slightly, indicating she understood... though it made her even more confused. Kenny probably had more experience with the care of little ones than most boys in the grade- why was he getting wound up over what she thought about that?

He's already a legit hero and cute as hell. Add on 'good with kids' and it's a wonder one of the more popular girls hasn't snapped him up- why does he even hang out with me? We're not even fucking, and he's always dealing with my bullshit. Why hasn't he run for the hills by now? If I were him, I'd think I'm more trouble than I'm worth. I'm not even pretty.

"Hey... so... back to what I was trying to ask you earlier."

She blinked. She'd spaced again, and his muffled voice brought her back to earth with a small start and the fluttering of lashes. She shuddered her head a little, as if to shake her brains out of whatever terrible thought spiral she'd been about to engage in and meeting him directly with one of her even stares.

I don't give a flying fuck, Kenny. You've got enough going on, you don't need to worry about me getting weird about this.

He stared back, and then smiled. His tightly pulled hood and scarf covered it, but she could still see it in the way his cheeks rose up. Relief. That was the look.

"Cool."

Cool. That was one way to sum up thank god we talked about this before it escalated into some bullshit that could only happen in this town with all its odd little quirks. She smirked at him, considering a kidney punch but settling for a wheedling poke to his side that got him to wiggle away while laughing.

C'mon, ya dork. If we don't get back soon, Eric might suspect something.

"Oh, shit, right. I... mighta told Cartman I'd talk to Heidi for him." Kenny informed her as they began to move, first back into the atrium and then starting the journey to the food court. The mob of kids they'd arrived with was gone; no doubt Eric had wasted no time in mustering 'his' troops for the task ahead.

Fuck me sideways with a Skyrim giant's club, you what? She inclined her chin to him, shoving her hands into the pockets of her black overcoat with eyebrows knitted together, caught between exasperation and surprise.

"He was crying on the bus!" Kenny defended himself, adjusting his grip on his baby doll as they went. "Has Eric ever gone full-pathetic on you? It's almost impossible to say no to him... and if I did, and he ruined the weekend with some over-complicated scheme, and he ruined Karen's birthday? I'd never forgive myself."

She had to give him that one. She let out a sigh, shaking her head. The last time she'd doubted Cartman had not been long ago, and what she'd assumed was a ploy had turned out to be quite real- the guy had been kidnapped from his home as part of a plot by General Disarray. If she had taken that more seriously, she might have remembered to take her fucking medicine that day and not get caught without her time-travel abilities at the most crucial moment. Instead, she'd rolled her eyes and assumed it was just another day of Cartman being Cartman, and ended up damn near dead out of negligence.

Granted, he'd been part of that, too, but keeping score was just another thing that got sticky when Cartman was involved.

"Do you think I should ask Butters? He's got the best chance of getting through to Heidi..."

And the best chance of taking the blame if she doesn't listen. Lookeet you, already setting up plan B to keep Eric away from your sister. She frowned at him. Reminder that you're the one that got me to treat Butters with the respect he deserves. I didn't manipulate time and space to save that kid from death by gunshot to set him up as a fall guy to protect your little sister's birthday.

"Do you got a better idea?" Kenny quested flatly, maybe irritated at the accusing quality in her expression.

She considered that for a second. Did she? Butters was the obvious choice; Eric had already suspected the guy in trying to steal Heidi, but that also created space for even worse possible backlash. Sure, Butters might get the full extent of the blame, but if at any point it was mentioned that Kenny was the one who directed him, that would come back with an extra helping of betrayal on top of blind emotional rage, which was not unlike the jizz-infused dollop of sour cream atop the bowl of parental chili that they all knew Eric was willing to serve up in retribution for a grave enough offense.

The longer she considered it, the more she was certain who it had to be. If there was any hope of getting past Karen's birthday without a Cartman meltdown...

Me. It has to be me.

::The Author's Corner::

HOLY HELLO we just banged that shit out didn't we?

Man oh man we've been ratcheting up the drama, haven't we? I might have to include that as the secondary genre on this one. I was going to switch it to horror once we got to the good stuff, but considering how much of the build up is centering on everyone's relationships... Ah, we shall see.

ONWARDS!

-Buttlord