::Sneaker's SnacShak – Spoons are Dangerous::

Walking around town with Butters today had given Kenny a lot of time to think about what Alyssa had texted him earlier- about Karen. About how he thought of her, and her friends, and how protective he could be when she was concerned. If he was really honest with himself, he'd been pretty grumpy at Alyssa for even questioning him- he always had Karen's safety and happiness in mind. He reasoned that his girlfriend just didn't know what it was like- she lived a nice, middle-class lifestyle; she couldn't possibly put herself in the shoes of a couple of poor kids and consider the kind of crap they dealt with on a regular basis.

That idea only lasted about ten minutes, shattered by a phone call. His phone had buzzed as he and Butters had been crossing town to check out local machine shops to see if anyone had been building anything weird lately, and shifting his baby doll to one arm to fish it out left him mildly frustrated... and all that evaporated into raw panic when he saw it was Alyssa's phone calling him.

She never called. She always texted. She wouldn't do that unless something had happened.

Of course, it hadn't been her- it had been Heidi, verifying the note he'd written. Still, that burst of burning adrenaline had made a point intensely clear. What had gone through his mind when he thought it was Alyssa calling? That she was in trouble, hurt, captured, or otherwise. She dealt with dangers, too, unique to herself... and she knew full well what it was like to have overprotective family members controlling her life. She knew full well what it was like to resent them, and to go against the rules and expectations put in place to keep her safe.

She knew what it was like, breaking rules to do things her way, frequently in a manner those protective family members didn't understand.

Fuck. He thought to himself as it crashed in on him. She's right.

He was actually kinda thankful when the hunt for weird shit at local machine shops came up dry. If they'd found something, he would have needed to spend time giving a report to Wendy, and planning a break-in for deeper investigation. Without anything throwing up red flags after walking around town all afternoon with Butters, he was free to just go home... And for once, that's all he wanted to do. He told Butters as much when the boy invited him to come in for a second after walking him home; politely declining with a mention of "Family stuff" he needed to attend to.

Checking his baby doll, whom he'd dubbed Chuck because damn he wished he could throw the thing once or twice, he shrugged his coat up a little tighter before making the trek to the shitty part of town, passing by the homes of all his friends on the way. The sun had hit the horizon a bit ago, and it was that time of year where night took over the town so fast it was almost surreal. Clouds that had been orange with the fading light became dusky blue all at once, and what had been a gentle breeze most of the afternoon whistled between houses as a more cutting wind.

Maybe it'll snow on Sunday. Karen would love that- she always gets excited for fresh snow.

The house was strangely quiet this evening; Kenny knew Mom was out because she'd found temp work this week, but Dad didn't appear to be around either. Instead, Kevin had made himself the resident lump on the couch, a remote mostly wrapped in duct tape loosely gripped in a half-asleep hand as the eldest of the McCormick siblings nodded off in the uneven light of commercials from their ancient tube TV. Next to him, occupying the same space a person would, as a half-empty bottle of something wrapped in a paper bag.

… you need to find work, dude. You can't keep wasting like this. You're never gonna get out of here if you do.

The thought was as much directed at his brother as it was at himself- supernatural facets aside, he didn't intend to spend the rest of his life in this shit. He needed to pick up more volunteering hours- stuff that would make a future resume look good. The moment he could find gainful employment, he was going to throw himself at it. For now, he'd keep doing odd and dangerous shit for cash, and putting bits of it away for Karen. Even if he never made it out of here? He was going to make sure she did.

This place can't eat all of us alive. I won't let it.

He quietly slipped through the living area, passing into the hallway and stopping off at his room to drop his school bag before finally turning to his sister's room. He knocked- he promised her that he would always knock, since their parents didn't when they were fucked up. Suddenly opening doors scared her, so he waited until he heard her voice from inside.

"Just a sec... okay, come in."

He pushed on the door, the knob long broken and the catch stuck inside the hinged slab of wood. Karen's call of 'just a sec' had been for her to remove a bit of bunched up scrap cloth from the bottom, which kept it from swinging on its own. She was just inside, tossing that bit of cloth aside and returning to a second-hand corner desk he'd gotten for her at a yard sale about a year ago. It had been red when he bought it, but with the help of his friends and some spray paint he'd turned it white, and Karen had since decorated it with a number of other colors and covered it in doodles using markers. Add on a little battery-operated LED reading light and clamped on to the edge of the desk, and a cheap bean-bag chair, and she had the best nook in the whole house for doing homework and doodling.

It was a bright spot compared to everything else- at least their parents had finally gotten her a real bed frame a bit ago, instead of just having her sleep on a mattress on the floor.

Wonder if Alyssa would get mad at me if I asked her to use her powers to find out what the next lotto numbers are gonna be... mom and dad would probably drink half of the money away, but damnit this isn't what a little girl's room should look like.

"Hey, punk." Kenny greeted as Karen plopped herself back into her beanbag chair. The thing was worn, a few of its beans on the floor. Karen's hand stitching could be seen where she'd repaired it a few times, always using bright colors against the original black faux-leather material. "You busy rockin' it out in here?"

"Always a party." She commented back, laying almost flat on the beanbag to put her feet up on the surface of her desk and hang her head back, looking at him upside-down. "Wha- what's that? Why do you got a doll?"

"Child development class." Kenny smirked, having himself a seat on the floor, sitting cross-legged and setting the fake child down in the crook of his knee to finally give his arms a break. "He cries and everything. What you up to?"

"History essay- we're covering the civil war."

"Over the weekend? The elementary teachers have gotten mean."

"It's not due till Wednesday, I just wanted it done-" She paused, righting herself in her chair and wiggling around until she could sit properly and face him. "Uh... my friends wanna hang out on my birthday- over at Tricia's house. She's already okayed it with her dad. I know we usually hang out, but... I know you're mad at Dougie, and..." He watched her face twist, as if she were trying to find the right way to say something that couldn't be said.

He blinked. How the hell had he missed this? Was she afraid to tell him that she just wanted to hang out with her friends?

Did I make my approval that important?

"Pause and rewind, punk." He stopped her, putting a hand out and then swirling a finger back like he was winding an old-school cassette. "You picked up a new outfit and you didn't even tell your big brother your origin story- since when do you play super heroes?"

Her face flushed, and her hands gathered against her chest as if she were holding something ineffable and precious between them. Was she embarrassed? Surprised? Probably a little of both. "A—ah... about that... It wasn't my idea. The costume, anyway. Or the name. Or... any of it, really."

I fucking knew it! For a moment he declared victory over Alyssa in his head- he was right; it was all Dougie's fault and Karen was blameless.

Then it ebbed away as his stupid brain reminded him not all was explained.

"... then why aren't you mad at Dougie?"

"I am!" She declared, though speaking up was immediately followed by covering her mouth, as if she'd just swore at him or something. Her eyes were wide, and she hesitated, as if she expected to be interrupted.

When he didn't say anything, she slowly went on.

"I mean... I was. But he didn't make me do it. I... I signed on because he said I'd get paid- I wanted the money because you're... you're always doing all these nice things for me." Slow and faltering, she gained both strength and speed as she went on. "You're always looking out for me, getting me things, being... being great, and I just wanted to do something for you for once. So Dougie said he had this thing to do, and I made him promise no one was gonna get hurt, and when he did I agreed to help out- and then I found out about the kidnappings, and I defected and... figured I'd make money some other way... A-and sure! I was mad at Dougie at first, he's always getting these big ideas and taking them way too far, but he apologized and I forgave him, so that's that."

I just wanted to do something for you for once.

Of her entire explanation, that was the part that went swirling around in his head. He never figured she would feel that she owed him- and knowing that she did made him reflexively want to reassure her that she didn't owe him anything, that he looked after her because he loved her and wanted her to be happy... but telling her not to feel a certain way was silly. People felt the way they felt.

"... are you mad at me?"

He blinked. No, never. I'm never mad at you. I can't be mad at you- it's never your fault. You're the one I'm protecting. You're my perfect little sister, and you can't do any wrong.

You were always the perfect little damsel in distress.

"... not this time." He sighed, feeling as if he'd just taken a punch to the gut. One of Alyssa's, the kind where she'd thrown her whole body into it and he couldn't breathe for a few moments after the impact. Maybe he had- in a strange metaphorical way.

"But I did something bad."

Her voice had gotten very small. It was still red, but no longer from embarrassed blush. No, it was the patchy flush that suggested she might cry. Her eyes had gone glassy.

"We all do bad things sometimes." He confessed, reaching out and putting a gloved hand on her head, ruffling up her hair. "At least you had some good intentions- when I was your age, I was doing bad shit all the time for stupid reasons... you probably will, too. Hopefully less than me."

Definitely less than me. You at least still have the fear of death and bodily harm keeping you out of the truly stupid shit.

He watched as tears streaked down her cheeks, but her mouth curved into a smile anyway. Quietly, a bittersweet understanding had been reached, and she slipped from her beanbag chair to get on her knees and hug him; something he accepted with open arms as she began to properly cry.

As if in solidarity, the baby doll in his lap began crying as well- though it could be better described as screeching. It made Karen jump, falling back on her butt and staring at the thing as Kenny sighed, rolling his eyes as he turned his attention to the noisy little fucker.

Way to ruin the moment, Chuck.

"And now for the news program that starts your day off right, it's Good Morning South Park!"

Eric was not in the habit of waking up early enough for the morning news on a Saturday, but certain exceptions had to be made in the name of free pizza. In the theater of his own mind he had already seen it happening; his name being drawn and announced on local television, the party, and the fact that once he was named as the winner he could simply not invite any of his friends, meaning all the prize bags and free tokens for the arcade would be his, and there would be no lines for any of the machines- he would be the king of the arcade once his name was drawn, and no one would be able to stop him from winning all the prizes and getting all the freebies. They could complain all they liked, and he could just have Sneaker and his animatronic band throw them out.

Or maybe tie them up and force them to watch as I eat all the free pizza. Particularly Kyle. I'll smear the grease on his stupid jew face.

Ah, the vision was sweet, but sweeter would be the truth of watching the segment himself while enjoying his favorite bowl of sugary breakfast cereal- so despite the tradition of sleeping until noon on a Saturday, Eric had himself upright and on the couch in time to catch the top story, crunching away on his off-brand fruit loops while waiting for the human interest stories to hit.

"... which brings us to a special bit of local news- a brand new pizzeria and arcade is opening here in South Park, part of the popular Sneaker's SnacShak chain. They're actually holding a raffle today, and one special kid in South Park is going to win a free party with all the bells and whistles- here with more is a midget in a bikini, and a cowboy hat."

"Goddamn, midget's getting old." Eric snickered between mouthfuls of sugary junk and milk, smirking as the news program cut from the studio to their live on-location reporter. "Careful, Midget, they might replace you with a cripple in a dog suit or some shit like that." He laughed at his own commentary, doubting an actual change. The midget was a staple to South Park news, as was his bright pink bikini.

"Thanks Tom! I'm right outside the new restaurant, where the full band of mascots have joined me for the special drawing. We have Sneaker the mouse, Scratcher the cat, Sniffer the dog, and fan-favorite Spike the hedgehog. As you can see, this pizzeria has a leather-and-rhinestones aesthetic that is just old enough that the restaurant's target audience doesn't know about the debouched and schlocky history associated with it, thus making it charming to market to kids, and giving their parents a charge of nostalgia in the process. It might also surprise you to know that the band here with me aren't just stage-bound props for the stage, but free-roaming animatronics that can entertain children and serve cheap pizza, which we can bet cuts down labor costs big-time."

"Get to the drawing already!" Eric grumbled at his TV, waving his spoon as if he could threaten the news anchor through the screen as he stood in front of waving robotic performers. There was a box in the frame, too- no doubt the one they were going to draw a name out of as soon as they were done plugging the place.

"Alright, Sneaker, are we ready for the drawing?"

The bikini-clad little person turned to his mechanical company, holding out his mic for a synthesized voice oozing enthusiasm to respond.

"You bet we are! Let's open the box and find out who the lucky kid is!"

Eric scooted to the edge of his seat on the couch as one of the other robotic actors removed the lid from the box in front of them- Scratcher the cat in particular, who appeared to be the only feminine robot among the group, dressed in a tight mini dress that would have been scandalous on an actual human person. She also had a disquieting amount of teeth in her cartoonish smile, glassy green eyes staring into the camera the whole time as she preformed her task.

Oh boy, here we go.

Sneaker did the honors, reaching a furry robotic hand into the box and coming back with a single folded slip of paper. The midget then took it, flipping it open to read to the viewers at home.

"And the winner is..."

Eric Cartman. Eric T. Cartman. Say it. Say it. SAY IT.

"Karen McCormick! Congratul-"

Eric was certain he didn't know how the TV had broken. It certainly wasn't because he'd hucked his spoon at the screen as hard as he could in a blind fit of rage. No, no, that would be ridiculous- he was a perfectly well-behaved young man, not at all prone to bouts of anger that were occasionally destructive to both people and things around him. Certainly it slipped from his hand and happened to fly at the TV with enough force to smash the screen and embed itself, blue sparks of electrical current running the course of the metal object before the electronic broke completely and began to emit foul smelling smoke... and if something slipped from his hand with that much force, it was only because he was so beefy he didn't know his own strength. He couldn't be blamed for that.

No, not at all. Total accident. Utterly.

He swallowed thickly.

Karen McCormick. Kenny's little sister. How did she win? She's poor. Poor kids don't get parties. She didn't deserve it.

"Eric, sweetie- oh my goodness, what happened?"

His mother's sweet voice interrupted his thoughts, gulping slightly as he glanced between the robed woman who had just come down the stairs and the rather thoroughly destroyed television.

"I- it- it was an accident, mam."

"Sweetiekins, we've talked about throwing things at the TV when it makes you mad- it doesn't help." His mother lectured, rushing over to the broken appliance and yanking the electrical cord before a fire started. "Is- is that your breakfast spoon?"

"It slipped!" He insisted. "I didn't mean to-"

"Eric, I'm not hearing it right now." His mother put her hands on her hips, rounding on him and glowering. Apparently violating the sanctity of Saturday morning was going to have some kind of consequence.

Whatever. Just means I can plot my revenge in my room- go ahead mom, ground me. I don't even care. Everyone sucks and they deserved to be punished- I could use some good stewing time.

Before punishment could be meted out, however, the doorbell rang. His mother blinked, looking over with wide eyes and then back at her son. Eric, in truth, was equally confused. No one was coming over today, he didn't have plans with anyone... and none of his friends could have made it over that fast to comfort him, minus maybe Douchebag.

"Don't you move a muscle, mister." His mother told him as sternly as she could manage, tightening her fuzzy morning robe and moving to answer the door. For once, Eric did as he was told and remained still, peering after her as the doorbell rang again, reflecting some impatience with whomever was calling on the Cartman residence at this hour.

The door opened, and Eric was tempted to pinch himself. The nightmare of his morning, all at once, became a dream.

Heidi was on the doorstep.

She had their baby.

"Hi, Miss Cartman. Can I... can I come in?"

::The Author's Corner::

Kenny finally has a serious talk with his sister and realizes yes, she's human. Good boy.

And Eric... is Eric. XD

ONWARDS!

-Buttlord