::Sneaker's SnacShak – Kyle Gets a Gold Star::

The dining area became fully lit all at once, long halogen bulbs casting faintly blue light down on cheap plastic tables that had colorful covers folded on top of them with cups of confetti and stacks of glittering party hats- the perpetration for a party that just needed the labor of setting up.

The sudden light was blinding, as well as startling- Kyle threw up his free hand over his eyes with a short yelp, peering through his fingers in an effort to hurry along his adjustment while questioning the sudden activation. Motion sensors? No, he was more than a third across the room- someone had to have hit a switch somewhere.

Behind him, he heard Ike laugh while someone else gasped. "Scardy cat!" Ike jeered as a possible lead in to a vicious chanting taunt, but he was interrupted by a solid thwap in short order. Someone had seen fit to correct his behavior, probably Tricia. The Tucker family didn't take shit.

Kyle would have rounded to yell at whomever had whacked his little brother under normal circumstances, no matter how much of a jerk he was being, but he found himself... preoccupied.

Invisible in the dark room, the sudden light revealed the restaurant's mascots to be standing in the main dining area, in-between the tables. They were frozen, like mannequins, in resting poses. Arms at their sides, heads forward, each one turned towards the stage with their backs to the intruding children. The nearest one to Kyle was the cat- Scratcher being her perfectly generic name, though the open-backed black leather dress she was depicted as wearing was anything but. In fact, if the light had remained off, he might have tripped over her tail; a metal pipe sectioned in three places to allot some movement, the exterior upholstered with fabric and faux fur to give the idea of a tabby stripped cat of butterscotch coloration, and the tip of which had been in his path and at ankle height.

Seeing these things up close gave an idea of size- namely that this mascots were taller than adults. Kyle had to look up at the long mane of blonde hair that identified Scratcher even more feminine beyond the dress and the hips, and a quick calculation in his head made him decide each of these robots had to be at least six feet tall. More if he included the fabric animal ears.

Another quick act of math brought him to another conclusion, though this one was much less involved as it was an exercise in basic counting.

Only three of the bots were on the show floor. Scratcher, the cat whom he'd nearly tripped over, a dog one he remembered being named Sniffer who appeared to be based off of a yellow lab, and a green hedgehog that was apparently popular with the target audience known as Spike. The ringleader, Sneaker himself, did not appear to be present.

"Hello, children!"

This time, everyone yelled. The sudden jovial, if muffled, voice was unexpected and came from behind. Kyle jerked around, crying baby-doll still squalling for all it was worth, to see that Sneaker had somehow gotten between their group and the doors, appearing with the natural light of the outdoors backing him and making his arms-upraised greeting pose all the more dramatic. The rest of the group, much closer to the animated mascot, quickly backed off into the dining room proper, and Kyle experienced a jolt of paranoia- did this place have another exit?

What are you thinking? He's just an idiot in a mascot costume; he probably thought it would be funny to spook a bunch of kids.

Despite debunking himself in his head, he still glanced around for emergency exit signs.

He didn't see any.

That's stupid, buildings like this have to have emergency exits- it must be in an employee area, like the kitchen- or maybe at the end of the hallway for the bathroom. It's illegal not to.

"Sneaker!" Karen very nearly squealed, getting over the initial surprise of the mascot mouse's dramatic entry and flouncing up to where the man in the suit stood with his arms upraised. It was a man in a suit, wasn't it? Kyle was pretty sure; the movement was all wrong for it to be mechanical, and the voice was the same as the mascot who'd been at the mall yesterday.

Not for the first time, he felt like that voice sounded familiar, but he couldn't quite place it through the muffled quality created by the mascot's head... they must have hired someone local to wear the suit rather than bring their own hype man in. New jobs in town, that was always a plus.

"Why you must be little Karen McCormick!" The mascot bent, no doubt to be on eye level with the lucky winner of the drawing.

Kyle decided all was well, well enough that he could continue on and do what he needed to do for his squalling faux infant. Hopefully the others would be ready to go by the time he was out of the bathroom, and he could find out what Kenny and Dee had in store for the rest of the day. It sounded like they had more super hero stuff going on...

Turning back towards the bathroom, the cat mascot, Scratcher, had turned around. She faced away from the stage now, her cartoonish smile looking down at Kyle with feline fangs present in the grin. White wire whiskers protruded from her face, and she had glassy green eyes that appeared to look at him.

Kyle couldn't help it- he hopped back. He hadn't heard the thing move, and now that he was looking at it? It was still again, just as still as the other two animatronics that were still facing the stage. She had been facing away from him before... right? He was sure she had; he'd nearly tripped over her tail. He distinctly remembered having that concern, but now she'd somehow, silently, done and about-face.

Light activated maybe?

The hair on the back of his neck still stood on end, and he swore his baby doll was crying loud and strident enough to shatter a wine glass.

Ducking his head slightly, he rushed past the cat mascot, clutching the fake baby into his chest, feeling weirdly protective.

As he passed, it stopped crying.

Kyle instantly put the breaks on, looking down at the simulated child he'd been given to care for. Did the speaker blow out? He had no idea, and a visual inspection told him nothing. Where a moment ago it had been screaming bloody murder, it was now silent.

A shadow fell over him from behind.

"What the-?!"

Kyle twisted, automatically moving away from the looming presence behind him and crashing directly into one of the long dining tables, the long bench taking him out at the knees. He twisted, going down quickly and landing on his back- still protecting the doll and now turned upwards to see the cat animatronic had moved again! She'd stepped up behind him, and was now standing over him, reaching a four-fingered hand down that happened to have claws- red, like she'd painted them the same way a girl would paint her nails.

They looked distressingly sharp for something that was meant to walk freely around a kid's restaurant.

"Slow your roll there, little rock star!" Exclaimed the robot in a prerecorded voice that emanated from a speaker within its head, the jaw moving in pantomime of speech. "No running outside the play area!"

It took Kyle a second to realize the hand reaching down over him wasn't about to lay claws into him, but was rather an offer to help him up.

These things are strong enough to stand kids grabbing them?

"Whoa, whoa! Scratcher, what are you doing awake?"

Another voice cried out before Kyle could make contact, every self-preservation instinct in his head telling him to scoot back on his floor until he could use the table to wrench himself upright. There was just too much weird happening at this second for him to trust anything.

He'd lived in this town too long- he knew better.

A few seconds later, another mascot appeared in his vision. This one with five fingers, worn by a person instead of a metal endoskeleton. Sneaker, and whomever was wearing him had arrived to give him a more human hand up. Kyle took it, though his nose crinkled the moment the guy got within close proximity. What was that smell? He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but it made him want to gag, and he instantly blew air out of his nose to try and purge it before swapping to his mouth.

It didn't help that much- what ever that reek was stuck to the back of his tongue, bitter and salty.

"Thanks." He said anyway, but Sneaker had passed him by to inspect Scratcher, pushing the animatronic back into an upright position.

"Now why are you moving around- you should be in sleep mode..." Gloved fingers worked surprisingly quickly, and after a few seconds the cat retraced her steps back to where she'd been before; standing still and facing the stage. "Little rascal." Sneaker commented before turning about again. "Sorry about that, Scratcher's always been a little restless- frisky kitty if ya know what I mean."

"Sure." Kyle responded, still trying to adsorb everything that had happened in quick succession. The desire to get the hell out of the building was pretty strong, and getting stronger the longer he remained within the odorous cloud that followed the Sneaker mascot around.

"Oh hey, whatcha got there? Here I thought you were carrying around an actual baby- that's one of those parenting robots they hand out in health class, isn't it? Didn't know the school was still doing that." Sneaker marveled, oddly conversational for a man in a suit.

Kyle swore he knew that voice. It was gonna drive him nuts.

"Yeah, captain prude here was taking it to the bathroom for a diaper change." Ike piped up. Kyle glanced over his shoulder to see the rest of the group had come to him, with Ike at the lead. "Did you get over it and just change it on one of the tables?"

"Are you coming to the party tomorrow?" Sneaker quested, the energy in his voice picking up again as he did his job. "We're going to do everything we can to make sure Karen has an extra special birthday!"

"That's up to Karen." Kyle dodged, taking a step back to rejoin the group, and gain some safety in numbers. He half-turned, finding Kenny and questing. "Is everything taken care of? Can we get going?"

"Yeah dude, we just had to tell this guy the time." Kenny nodded, having already drawn up his hood again in preparation for heading back into the cold.

"Then let's go." Kyle stressed.

"We'll see you tomorrow!" Sneaker cheered at the group of kids as they turned to leave.

Behind him, Scratcher's head turned, eyes tracking their backs until they were out the door.

Dee had remained outside with Dougie, idly scrolling on her phone as the love-struck idiot went on about something she'd long lost track of. It was funny- a lot of people mistook her quiet default as her being a good listener, but how much she actually absorbed was a roll of the dice.

Thankfully they hadn't been long- she'd been dangerously close to getting bored with the latest rage storm on Twitter and actually listening to the twerp. Karen was the first to emerge, bouncing in a manner that would have shamed a pogo stick, with Tricia and Ike close behind. Kenny and Kyle brought up the rear, with Kyle looking... unnerved.

"Dougie!" Karen cried upon sighting her fourth friend, dashing to him. "I was wondering where you went! Is everything alright?"

"Oh, yeah, I just... my mom called. I forgot to tell her where I'd gone." Dougie excused himself. He started off weak, but quickly pulled himself together, delivering the ass-covering lie with confidence. "You're all done?"

"Yep." Tricia confirmed, nose pointed down at her phone now that the business was done. "So what now?"

"We ditch the grandparents and go find something fun to do with our Saturday." Ike proclaimed, smirking back at his brother... but Kyle didn't seem to register the dig, which left Ike disappointed, stuffing his hands in his pockets and re-engaging with his own group. "Or something, whatever, ask the birthday girl."

"TO THE PARK!" Karen announced, throwing her hands up in the air. She appeared ready to charge off and lead her group to victory [or at least an entertaining Saturday], but paused to look back at her brother. Her expression was almost like she was seeking permission from her big brother, cringing that she might have made too-hasty of a decision without his guidance.

Dee tensed. Just seeing Karen make that face made her want to punch Kenny- she was so used to him deciding things for her. She was expecting Kenny to give her a yes or no signal... instead, he ruffled her hair and gave her a push away from himself; a you do you gesture.

Karen seemed uncertain for a second, and then broke out into a grin, sprinting out on the sidewalk and her friends following after her... including Dougie.

Well, that's different. Looks like he figured it out.

With that quartet beating feet away from them, that left herself, Kenny, and Kyle... and Kyle's robo baby, if one wanted to count the machine.

"Alright, now we can get down to business." Kenny put his hands together, almost making Dee break her default resting face to smirk. Almost.

"What's going one with you guys now?" Kyle asked, motioning that he wanted to walk and talk. Dee got the sense that something upsetting had happened inside, but Kyle wasn't saying anything about it. "Are you following up with the crazy cat lady?"

"Nah, Amelia got... picked up." Kenny responded, himself and Dee joining Kyle to become a mobile trio with Kyle in the center as they made their way down the sidewalk.

Mighta been the best thing to happen to her, at this point. Dee considered glumly; the old woman had been struggling with a chronic kidney condition, something that would have killed her if it had gone untreated. While she had no idea what the Agency was going to do to her, there was at least the hope that she'd be getting some kind of care... even if it was end-of-life, easing an elder's passing kind of care. Better than dying in a gutter. She and Kenny might have been able to deflect the people who came to pick her up, but what would they have done? Taken her in? Neither of their families would have agreed to that, and leaving her as a Jane Doe at the hospital wasn't an option when she was suspect in possession of cats for cheesing, not to mention being on the line for all the property damage at the cabin.

Dee wasn't happy that they lost Amelia to the men in black, but neither of them were able to figure out a way to protect her that didn't involve prolonging her suffering even more. That's why Kartwright took over; presumably the CDC agent was keeping track of Amelia, now that she was back in the system.

"The angry lady with the gun that I told you about?" Kenny continued. "She got files on the facility where Dee was born. There's a project mentioned in there that was conducted at a lab that might be somewhere near South Park- and somebody tried to order parts for a machine there."

"Wait... so, like a real mad-science secret lab? Besides Dr. Mephesto's?"

"Yeah, and they were running experiments on people with super powers."

"How do you guys keep getting wrapped up in such cool shit?" Kyle demanded, shaking his head. "I mean, I guess it's less cool for you, Dee- but secret labs, super powers, fighting the government, and mutant cat mechs- and that was just last month!"

Fanboy a little harder, Kyle. Dee shook her head, elbowing Kyle to get him back on track.

"Right, right, so you're searching machine shops to see if anyone's up to anything weird, and that means extra feet on the ground."

"Exactly." Kenny agreed, glad that Kyle got up to speed pretty quick. "I figured you and Stan could work as a team-"

"Why don't you just have Dee make a Facebook post about it?" Kyle asked.

Kenny suddenly pulled up the breaks, hard. Kyle stopped too, and Dee found herself having to skid and turn on her heel to stay within the group. All eyes turned on Kyle and his suggestion, silently imploring him to explain the idea.

What?

"Well, people respond to you online, right?" Kyle asked, addressing her directly. "You can get them to do or believe stuff, or make posts go viral, so what's to say you can't make a post asking local garage owners to sound off on interesting projects they've got going on? Sure, the post will get a ton of useless responses, but it might be a good way to troll for leads. Everyone's on Facebook, even Kenny's family- ah, no offense, Kenny."

"None taken."

Dee felt like she'd been punched in the head, blinking multiple times as if she were seeing stars. Why hadn't she thought of that? She had been working so hard for so many years not to be too overt in her online presence, with only recent years bringing her first attempts at targeted manipulations of the online public... but all those attempts had been massive successes. Why hadn't she considered that course of action?

She exchanged a glance with Kenny. He had wide eyes- he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it, either.

"... that should work, right?" Kyle pushed, confident in his application of logic to the situation.

You bet your beautiful tight ass it will.

::The Author's Corner::

WELP IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF.

Sorry 'bout that.

Life has been life, I will make no apologies. I've made some progress on my original writing as well... I've even made a Tumblr for the things I draw and the occasional lore dump. I may link that in my profile here on FF.

In the meantime, enjoy Kyle Occam's Razor-ing this shit.

ONWARDS

-Buttlord