Chapter 56: More Struggles in Severus' World

Was it a minute? Or hours? Or even days? Severus was just frozen in the memory of that terrible conversation between himself and Lily Potter. He could not believe that they had managed to end their friendship again, and over what seemed such a trivial argument at first. Things turned darker with each combative sentence. And at last, Lily repeated the same mistake that Severus himself had committed all those years ago in the old universe.

"Coward! COWARD!"

The same word that Harry Potter lashed out at him when he believed him to have committed the ultimate sin and betrayal by killing Albus Dumbledore. The word that he abhorred above all others (except Mudblood or the name Mrs Potter) as he was far from such a thing. He had become a martyr and the bravest man anyone could have known, and until he was reborn, he had nothing to show for it beyond death and despair.

Lily knew that more than anybody. And she still went and called him a coward. The woman was cruel and uncaring. Just as she seemed to be when she abandoned him that night and ran off with his greatest enemy.

Severus punched the Stone perched on the desk but all it accomplished was him cutting his own knuckles upon impact. But he didn't care.

"Nothing was ever good enough…even now…"

"Severus?"

Dumbledore had come out of his quarters upon hearing Fawkes' soothing song, a song he recognised as being meant for comfort.

"Professor," replied Severus, putting his hand in his robes to hide what he had done.

"I see you have had a troubling time. Nothing but that could have prompted Fawkes to sing this enchanting and soothing song," said Dumbledore wisely.

"It's nothing," said Severus insistently.

"You argued with Mrs Potter, I presume?"

Dumbledore spoke as if he had never heard those two words.

"She…I…"

Dumbledore used Legilimency, and Severus found it fruitless to keep it at bay and it was just as hopeless to repeat the words, so he simply let Dumbledore see all that had occurred. Upon the end of the process, the Headmaster looked upon his student with sympathy; something that riled Severus' already strained temper.

"I do NOT need your pity!"

"Sometimes compassion and pity are mixed up," said Dumbledore, "I am only sorry that you seem to have cut ties with your best friend, as well as the person you turn to for information on the Horcruxes."

"I don't need her!"

"You have always needed her," said Dumbledore disputedly.

"Not now! I have Lily Evans, a whole new world to show everyone what I can be! What I am worthy of! Where I am wanted and appreciated!"

"Severus Prince, you are indeed wanted! But you are wanted for reasons other than your genius and physical attraction for one girl! You are wanted because you are the key and blessing sent from a higher place to end Voldemort's tyranny before he kills everyone that we hold most dear! You are more important than either of the Lilys right now, but she is also key to the hunt for Horcruxes! That's why you must end this petty arguing and regain your trust in one another! Without her help, you will not be able to complete the mission you and I have developed to defeat Voldemort!"

Severus was beyond ending anything right now. Yes, he regretted how he had left Lily just as she had left him. But at the same time, he couldn't deny the sadistic satisfaction he felt at letting Lily feel how he felt upon being abandoned. He couldn't bring himself to forgive her for how she continued to show him a lack of true friendship or appreciation.

Or maybe it was because he was still in love with the Lily he first met.

Severus couldn't deny to either himself or Dumbledore that he still had dreams about how he first met the beautiful redhead, and not the redhead he was in a relationship with now. The first meeting with the Lily who became Mrs Potter was the most memorable to him for obvious emotional reasons. If not for that moment, nothing happening now would have been possible. It wasn't just the memory of their first meeting either. He also dreamt of their happy days before and during Hogwarts, as well as the haunting nightmares of how he had lost her in life, death and particularly that one day in Heaven too.

He tried to deny it, particularly since he finally found love with the present Lily Evans. But Severus was certain now, likely through Dumbledore's Legilimency, that he was also still in love with Lily Potter.

Dumbledore could read the poor teenager like a book and had never felt such compassion for a student before. Any sympathy and pity he felt for Tom Riddle was severely diminished once he had murdered poor Myrtle Warren.

Severus Prince was an entirely different matter. A boy who had lived once before and had made nearly all the wrong choices and had only made the correct choices when it was too late to save his heart and soul. Then he came to this world to start a new life and a second chance, but still gave Dumbledore himself the information needed to stop Voldemort, hence mixing his second chance with his old terrible task of being a key part of the Wizarding Wars. Severus had grown and regrown to be a selfless man, and he couldn't blame him right now for wanting to be selfish in his lack of forgiveness; particularly after Lily Potter's tactless outburst against him.

But for the Greater Good, Dumbledore needed to reunite the pair, but he needed patience to do so. There was no easy way to stir the emotional soup that was a teenager's mind.

"I will not talk to her until I see fit, if I ever do. She never did until I died long after she did…and all she wanted to tell me that day was that she wanted me to be somebody else so she could love Potter in peace! May I be excused, sir?"

Dumbledore sighed slightly before replying in the affirmative.

"But before you go, I have another appointment for you, Severus. You and Remus Lupin are to meet me again in my office on Thursday evening at 9pm sharp."

"Why?" asked Severus, puzzled.

"You both failed, under unique circumstances, to battle a Boggart in Professor Kennedy's class recently. It is my intention for you both to do so under my supervision. Your stepfather consented due to the fact that he is swamped with grading papers for the first time and making regular visits to your mother."

"He's still been seeing her?" asked Severus.

"Indeed so. He is a doting husband if ever I saw one. He rarely sleeps. I have been having to warn him to not take quite so many Pepper-Up Potions as he has been."

Severus felt ashamed and vowed to make it up to Robin later. Then he had another thought.

"Will Remus and I see one another's Boggart?" he asked worriedly.

"I shouldn't think so," said Dumbledore casually.

It was too casual for Severus' taste, but he didn't press the matter as he knew that Dumbledore understood how important it was for Severus' true circumstances in life to remain a secret.

As he turned to leave and open the office door, Dumbledore spoke up once more.

"One more thing, Severus: do not let the events of tonight push you into losing Lily again."

They both knew which Lily he was referring to, as Severus was already beginning to worry about his current relationship and was growing ever more fearful that it was going to be over as quickly as it had begun.

Without gracing Dumbledore with a reply, Severus departed the office and just made out Professor Dippet's portrait making a retort about how he should have left the office with better manners towards the present Headmaster.

The following Saturday evening went by without much trouble, though Regulus and Melody were still not speaking to one another, and the former failed yet again to attend the meeting. Narcissa was still a member of the Union but was as withdrawn and unhappy as ever. They were not the only ones. Lily had noticed that Severus had been quieter and less intimate around her that day and even failed to meet her in the library for studying for upcoming exams. She tried approaching him about it after the dinner group meeting.

"What's wrong, Sev?"

"I never said anything was wrong," said Severus bluntly.

"But there obviously is," replied Lily, "where were you this afternoon?"

"I had a lie in," lied Severus.

"Until 4pm? Just how much sleep did you lose last night?"

"A lot, clearly."

"Why are you being so pedantic?"

"I'm not! You're just being intrusive!"

"You know what, Sev? Forget it! I'll talk to you when you're in a better mood!"

Lily stomped off to the dormitories on the seventh floor.

Severus trod rather slowly and despondently to his own dormitory, not even talking to Quincey. That little argument reminded him of the arguments he had with Lily Potter from third year up until the end of their friendship. He realized that this one was his own fault, but he couldn't help but feel insecure after losing his friend again. Lily Evans was still very much like her predecessor; he was afraid of losing her as well.

His paranoia, he knew, was preventing his chances of a healthy relationship, but the constant reminders of Lily Potter were not helping his self-confidence.

Something else that was nagging on his closed mind was the fact that Lily Evans did not know of his past. He knew that if she ever found out, his chances of keeping her would end up somewhere between zero and nil.

Sadly, things didn't get better over the following week. Lily spent more of her time with Mary than with Severus, and her friend often sent Quincey over to Severus to talk some sense into him for whatever it was that was troubling him. But Quincey's words failed to arouse Severus from his self-inflicted depression.

"You carry on like this, Severus, and Lily will find herself another Gryffindor to date. She'll think you don't love her anymore."

"Maybe she's better off without me," muttered Severus in a defeated voice.

"What's that supposed to mean? Is this about Peter and your grandad?"

"No, it's not! Just...just leave me be, Quincey!"

Quincey shook his head in submission and left Severus to his miserable state.

Eventually, by Thursday afternoon, Lily decided enough was enough and marched up to Severus under the tree by the lake as he sat broodily, reading from his Potions textbook, which he was gradually editing back to how it once was back in his previous life. His Potions prodigy was sprouting once more and he had ideas, though they didn't bring any enthusiasm or even a smile to his face, just as Lily's arrival hadn't.

"You've been acting so odd lately, Sev," she said sternly.

Severus indicated a softness in that cool demeanour however as he looked up to meet her beautiful green eyes. He stayed silent.

"It's messing things up and I'm sick of playing silent treatment with my boyfriend! I want you to tell me what's going on in that noggin of yours!"

Severus just stared into her eyes for a moment, thinking back to those terrible nights…the night he saw them blank and empty in Godric's Hollow….the night he looked into them for seemingly the last time in the Shrieking Shack….and in Dumbledore's office when he, in anger, released the eyes from his grasp of his own volition.

He couldn't lose them again, or their owner.

"I feel scared, Lils."

"Of what?" asked Lily, her softness now more pronounced.

"I'm scared of losing you. I've lost a lot already. I just think I'm going to lose you as well…if not to the war against Voldemort, then by my own stupidity."

If Lily was confused by her boyfriend's words, she didn't show it. Instead, she sat by his side and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"I'm afraid of losing you to the likes of the Death Eaters too, Sev," she whispered as she gazed into the therapeutic calm glimmers of the lake, "but I don't see how you could lose me to being stupid. I love you, Severus Prince. You would never do anything to hurt me. I just know it. I can see that fact whenever you look at me. The way you look at me is pure love. I just know it. It's how my parents look at one another. It's just how it's meant to be. You and me, Sev. Don't run away from it, please."

Severus had tears in his eyes as she finished her monologue to him. He could never say no to her. Not then, not now.

"As long as you understand that if I lose you or you lose me…the latter being the least likely-"

"Don't criticise my loyalty, Severus," interrupted Lily, her sharpness restored, "just get to the point!"

"If I lose you…I will never forgive myself," came the sullen response.

Lily sighed sadly and buried her face in his shoulder, clutching his hand in hers.

"I don't want to lose you, Sev…let's just be careful right now…enjoy school before we go into the real world while we still can."

Severus gave in and nodded. But he still had no intention of giving up his newfound bitterness towards Lily Potter by any means. She could just stick with the people she chose over him and leave him to live his new life in peace. Right now, he didn't care about her guidance in the Horcrux hunt.

I was a bloody spy for both of the most powerful wizards of the age. I can find a few bloody objects and burn them without Mrs Potter's help, he thought bitterly.

That same evening, Severus joined up with Remus and they both made their way up to Dumbledore's office. Both of them felt uneasy about whether or not they would see one another's Boggart tonight. Dumbledore betrayed no emotion beyond his hearty exterior as the two of them came in, pale and dispirited.

"Welcome Messrs Lupin and Prince," he greeted courteously, "have a cup of tea and some Liquorice Snaps!"

Remus accepted both, and Severus took a strong tea with no milk and sugar.

"Now I have a Boggart, lent to me most kindly by Professor Kennedy, so you may take it on individually after the events of your practical class. Mr Lupin, you will face it first and then you may go, so Mr Prince here can partake in his own confrontation as well. After that, you may be dismissed as well."

Severus felt some relief at the revelation that Remus was to be dismissed before he faced his Boggart, but Remus was still uneasy.

"Will Severus be witness to my Boggart, Professor?" he asked.

"As Mr Prince is inconveniently privy to your worst fear, Mr Lupin, I don't see why not, but if you do so wish to face the Boggart alone, I shall escort myself and Mr Prince elsewhere, though I do recommend my presence at least."

Remus paused before saying with less reluctance, "I suppose there's no point in asking you and Severus to back off while I fight…the full moon."

As foolish as it would have seemed to anybody else, Severus and Dumbledore fully understood when Remus involuntarily shuddered at those last three words.

"Very well, Mr Prince, if you may stay seated with your tea, and when you're ready, Mr Lupin, we shall begin."

Lupin downed his tea and munched his last piece of liquorice before standing up before the trunk that Robin had donated to Dumbledore for the practical.

Dumbledore pointed his Elder Wand at the lock on the trunk, which was shuddering violently.

"Are you ready, Mr Lupin?"

Remus looked back at Severus, who nodded back encouragingly, before nodding his assent.

Dumbledore flicked the Elder Wand once and the lock unlocked. The lid flipped open and the Boggart rose in the shape of the full moon. Remus paled considerably, but remembering Kennedy's teachings and his own readings, he spoke up strongly.

"Riddikulus!"

The moon turned to cheese and a rat that looked suspiciously familiar darted after it as it floated away as if fleeing from the rodent.

Dumbledore laughed humorously and Remus cracked some chuckles, but Severus was staring intently at the rat, which quickly chased the cheese moon back into the trunk and the Headmaster locked the trunk once more.

Remus must have unconsciously thought of Peter as a source of comfort before producing the Charm, thought Severus. If he only knew how symbolic that rat was to the original Peter Pettigrew; quite the opposite of the sacrificial lamb of justice that the Peter of this world turned out to be.

"Congratulations, Mr Lupin," applauded Dumbledore.

Severus clapped a few times out of courtesy for his friend, though not as exaggeratedly and enthusiastic as their mentor.

"Thank you, Professor," replied Remus shakily but proudly.

"Now, you may go on to the common room and tell your friends of your triumph. I shall report your full marked practical to Professor Kennedy at breakfast," concluded Dumbledore.

Remus repeated his thanks and dismissed himself from the office, giving Severus an encouraging smile, which also expressed relief, on his way out.

"Well then, Severus," said Dumbledore, dropping his formality, "shall we face your deepest fears?"

Severus was afraid, no mistake, but then he had been fearful many times and never showed it. He was trying to do that now, but his lack of Occlumency skill made him very readable to Dumbledore.

"I know you have faced many horrors in the past, Severus," said Dumbledore quietly, "and if you wish for me to leave you or to postpone this practical further, I shall, of course, understand."

Severus was never prepared to class himself as a coward.

"No, I shall get on with it, if you don't mind," he said defiantly.

"Splendid, but I shall be on hand, as I was with Mr Lupin."

Severus merely nodded as he raised his wand against the trunk, which was once again banging about as its occupant tried to escape.

"Ready, Severus?" asked Dumbledore.

Severus nodded mutely and the trunk opened again.

Almost falling out of it was the dead corpse of Lily Evans, or was it Potter?

No, it was too young to be the body of the woman he originally loved.

Before Severus could even begin to cry out in horror or despair, the Boggart morphed into the form of Remus in his uncontrollable werewolf form, and then just as quickly into Nagini poised to strike him…and then once more into Lily Potter and James Potter, hand in hand, leering upon him with great glee and malice.

The sight of them leering at him as if he were dirt killed Severus inside, just as it had done from the moment he first saw Lily succumb to James' charm in sixth year and agree to date him officially in seventh year. The agony made him wince and made Dumbledore frown in concern.

"Here's to the end of your friendship with Snivellus," said Boggart James.

"And good riddance to greasy-haired rubbish, no! Scum!" laughed Boggart Lily.

And to seal that toast, they didn't raise a glass, they kissed passionately and smugly and purposefully to ensure Severus' suffering.

"RIDDIKULUS!" screamed Severus.

The Boggart Lily suddenly turned into the Padfoot form of Sirius Black and it made Dumbledore laugh heartily and resultantly forced the wretched creature back into its trunk.

Severus collapsed into his chair and Dumbledore placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Love can be just as strong a weapon as a wand," he said grimly.

"Why did it…?"

"Change? You're a complicated person, Severus," said Dumbledore, "and a Boggart has likely never seen a victim so…double-minded before, I daresay."

"You expected something like this to happen, didn't you?" accused Severus.

"It crossed my mind as a possibility only."

"And you didn't trust me enough to tell me. You expected me to run away from it."

"On the contrary, I trusted you to face your multitudes of fears, and you did. Again."

Severus was livid about being kept in the dark again.

"Then why not just warn me?"

"Because brave men need to face the unknown themselves. Isn't that what you've been used to? With your fascination and knowledgeable experience in the subject of Defence Against the Dark Arts, Severus?"

Severus frowned deeply, still insulted and hating that the logic machine that was Albus Dumbledore once again failed to show fault.

"You may be dismissed, Severus, unless of course…"

He was gesturing towards his desk and Severus knew he was referring to the Resurrection Stone.

"I think not, tonight, Headmaster," he said dismissively, "I am rather tired and freaked out by the contents of that particular object."

"That Boggart is not what is inside-"

"I SAID NOT TONIGHT!"

Severus fled from the office before Dumbledore could argue with him further and then persuade him as he and his predecessor had done so many times before. He still feared to this day that this Dumbledore would ask too much of him again, would sink his claws into his conscience again somehow and force him to risk his very soul again.

As he fled back to the Ravenclaw common room and Dumbledore calmly but disappointedly stepped into his quarters, neither of them had noticed that a thoroughly confused and pale teenage boy had been lurking by the office door. He had been hidden from view when Severus left the room. But he had heard everything and couldn't decide at the moment what to make of it.

Remus Lupin slowly and silently made his way back to the Gryffindor common room and spoke the password.

"Merlin's Staff."

"Correct," said the Fat Lady with a yawn.

But the reception in the common room was far from yawny or tired.

Remus was bombarded by a joyous Sirius and James. Both looked very excited.

"Wuh? What is it? What's the excitement about?" he asked, newly puzzled by something else that he wasn't expecting.

"Great news, of course!" cheered James.

"Yes, but what is it?"

Remus was getting impatient, but as his two friends released him, he saw that they were not the only ones showing excitement. Their girlfriends, Marlene and Rebecca were practically bouncing on the balls of their feet, and even Lily looked delighted. Alice Moffett was also smiling in a pleasant way, though trying to tone down the noise which was annoying the other students who were not as fascinated in the personal life of Sirius Black.

"It's Andromeda," said Sirius happily, "she's had the baby! A little girl! She and Ted are gonna call her Nymphadora! Nymphadora Tonks!"

A/N: Here is Chapter 56! I hope I managed to update quicker than the last few times. Lockdown does help one to concentrate on writing. Hope this chapter is interesting and fun to read! If not a little angsty! Chapter 57 coming soon, maybe sooner than usual under current circumstances! Thank you for reading, and please review! Most appreciated!