Chapter Summary: Eren's life during the next two months after Levi's departure.

A/N: It's an emotional one. And I've suddenly realized that I make Eren cry a lot! XP

~~Eren Jaeger~~

Mikasa says I look dead as a corpse.

If it was any other time, I'd have fought with her and tried to prove her wrong. Like that time when I was miserably defeated in a fistfight against Annie in front of the whole class and locked myself in my room for the rest of the week just to hide from embarrassment. Mikasa called me and said I was behaving like a coward and surely, that had me triggered. I'd woken up the next morning with a new determination, attended all my classes with a square face while ignoring the mocking and continuous leers from some of the students. I honestly thought it'd go on for days, but then for some mysterious reason those jerks backed down. I still suspect it had something to do with Mikasa giving them a silent threat or something. One she never confirmed.

Anyway, so that would've been a normal response for me. Fighting back, getting fired up. And I'm pretty sure that's what Mikasa's been trying to do. But somehow, that fire's been dulled.

Now, I just don't care. Or, more like, I can't bring myself to care.

It's like he took all my passion with him when he left.

Armin says I'm being melodramatic. Maybe I am. Maybe it's just a teenage thing, a phase that'll pass away with time. But at this moment, to me what I'm feeling is real. Even if it is a phase, that doesn't mean my feelings right now are any less important. Even if this pain I feel in my chest is temporary, that doesn't make it hurt less.

I wonder if I'm the only one feeling this way.

Heh, I must be. After all, he's an experienced and mature adult. He knows how to control himself and his emotions. Unlike me, a pathetic little shit.

Me, who can't even bear to hear his name without feeling like someone just punched a hole in my chest.

I've been trying though. To move on, I mean. But to be honest, I don't want to. I really don't. All I wanna do is just lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling while my mind replays those two days over and over, like I'm doing right now.

"Eren!"

Of course, those two won't let me.

I drag my eyes away from the ceiling. Making my head turn towards the voice takes much more effort, like my body is too heavy and my muscles are too weak. I know it's just the depression making me feel this way, but it's better to pretend to just be tired. That way, I don't have to deal with reality.

Or the fact that my heart is lying around, stomped all over and shattered in tiny pieces.

I'm too tired to pick them up anyway.

"Get up! Get up!"

Damn! Why is Armin being so noisy?

I take a pillow and smother my face with it, effectively shutting the outside world.

"Eren."

Great, now she's here too!

I feel a tug at my pillow and tighten my grip on it. Mikasa can be stronger than me, but that doesn't mean I'll go down without a fight.

I am a capable human being who has every right to shut himself in his room and wallow in self-pity. Why's that so hard to grasp?!

I groan when the pillow is finally pulled away from my face and neatly placed against the headboard. I roll over to bury my face in the sheets. I don't want them to see my face. They'll take one look at my bloodshot eyes and know I've been crying.

Fuck! Why am I so miserable?!

There's a hand in my hair, softly stroking. It feels good. Okay, maybe I'm not so annoyed that they're here. God knows how worse I'd have been if not for these two constantly checking up on me to make sure I'm doing okay.

I sigh.

The least I can do is try.

I push myself up to a sitting position. Hands clasped together on my lap, eyes cast downward–

"I wanna go to the beach."

From the corner of my eye, I see them smile.

Apparently, it was a very bad decision.

"We should head back", Mikasa says for the third time while eyeing the angry clouds currently engulfing the sky.

Armin says something in reply. But I pay no attention. I'm too captivated by the sight before me.

The ocean looks wild! Dangerous and wild. And so gorgeously beautiful. My eyes get transfixed on the endless rounds of waves crashing on the shore, loud and brutal, like a demon with a silver tinted crown and wings made of water. Tossing around everything on its way and then pulling back again, and then another one coming right after it.

I take a step ahead unconsciously.

The ocean reminds me of him.

There's a soft tug at my sleeve and I look back to see Mikasa holding onto my shirt and staring at me with knowing eyes.

I turn around and fall into her arms, suddenly feeling too tired to hold myself upright.

A shaky breath escapes my lips. "I miss him…"

As if on cue, the rain begins to fall mercilessly, drowning all the words and washing away my tears. I feel her hands wrap around me while she slowly lowers us to the ground. Wet sand clings to our already soaked clothes, but we pay no mind. I cling to her desperately with one hand while my other hand reaches out and soon there's another hand intertwining with my fingers. Two pairs of arms hold me close with tenderness I probably don't deserve, and I finally let go, sobbing my heart out on their shoulders.

Letting the tears carry everything on their way out.

The pain.

The heartache.

The despair and regret and nothingness!

It's probably an odd sight to anyone. Three teenagers sitting under a storm while the ocean in front of them threatens to drown them any second, clinging onto each other and crying and laughing at the same time.

"L-Levi…"

"You like it brat?"

"Aahh… yes!"

His body hovers over me, eyes locked with mine and hand stroking my shaft. I feel mesmerized by those liquid silver orbs, intoxicated by the sweet breath fanning all over me every time he exhales. The slender fingers wrapped around me move up and down, twisting occasionally and shooting bursts of pleasure through my veins. It feels so good it hurts!

Suddenly his lips are on my neck, sucking and nibbling on the skin. My body feels hot hot hot! The place where his lips touch burns as if in flames. And I seek more of it! My hands fly to cover my mouth, but he growls. And it sounds so raw and undeniably carnal that it's a wonder I'm able to hold back from coming.

"Let…" he's panting and sweating and glistening. "Let me hear those pretty sounds."

It's no use after that. I let out an embarrassingly loud whimper. And he grunts in appreciation.

"Yes Eren", his voice sounds breathless. "Show me. Show me how good I make you feel!"

The moans are unstoppable now. My body rocks up and down in sync with his hand. Tears stream down my face, turning me into a mess of sweat and tears and precum. He lowers his head to lap at the saltiness, licking every bit of it. It only makes me whine louder.

"Levi… Levi please…" I'm unable to form full sentences now. There's a need deep inside me that demands to be sated. I can't figure out what it is, but I need it! Oh, I need it so bad!

"What is it brat?" his usually calm voice has turned rough and strained.

"I… I need… I want…" I can't think! I can't think!

"What do you want…?!" he keeps talking, making every delayed second an added torture for me. My mind goes haywire!

"I don't– I don't know!" I cry out in despair. "Give it to me Levi… please give it to me!"

He smirks. Then speeds up. And I'm lost in a world of pleasure.

"Levi… Levi… Levi…!" is all I remember. And I keep chanting.

"Yes, say my name!" he growls. "You're mine brat. Don't forget!"

"I w-won't…" I'm right at the edge. Just a bit more. Just a little! "I'm yours! I'm yours!"

He looks into my eyes, face inches away from me. And he whispers.

"Come for me Eren."

White hot pleasure courses through my body, starting from between my legs and then spreading all over. And I melt in its heat. Looking into that silver blue ocean, with a name repeating itself over and over on my lips.

"Levi…!"

My eyes snap open and I find myself sitting upright on my bed with messy sheets and sweaty clothes. Alone. I run my fingers through the wet strands on my head, breathing heavily and looking around.

What the hell was that?!

I look down and evidently, the proof is there – in the form of soiled boxers. I lie back down with a sigh. This is hopeless! Just when I thought I could try to move on–

I had to have a fucking wet dream about Levi fucking Ackerman!

It's been a month since I last had a meal outside my room.

At the beginning, mom got really worried, standing outside my door and constantly asking what was wrong.

All I gave her was silence.

What was I gonna say? That I got my heart broken by a man I'm not even supposed to fall for? How will she react once she knows? Will she be disgusted? Will she be sad and hurt… and disappointed?

I've already dealt with a parent's disappointment before, and it didn't go well at all. I'm too tired and scared to deal with another.

Eventually though, she stopped asking questions. Food began appearing before my doorstep, and empty plates received without a word. It was painful, to be honest. I knew I was hurting her. I didn't want to, but I didn't know what to do either. How to face her, what to say to her – I didn't know anything.

And so it went on like that.

But it's been long enough. Just because I'm a sore loser who can't pull his shit together doesn't mean I have the right to hurt the others around me too. I need to fix this.

And that's how I find myself walking down the stairs this evening, finally having mustered up the courage to get out of my nest and have dinner with my mom after a whole month.

There's a look of surprise on her face when she notices me at the foot of the stairs, which is soon replaced by a warm and loving smile.

"Dinner?" she asks softly.

I nod.

"Coming right up!" she grins and disappears into the kitchen.

I mentally kick myself. What the fuck was I so afraid of?

We eat in silence, which is unusual because I'm always the one being loud and talking with mouth full of food whenever we eat together. I look at mom from the corner of my eye, still feeling awkward and unsure. But she seems happy. And when her eyes catch mine, she offers me a smile.

A smile that tells me it's okay. That she understands.

I look down on my plate and resume eating, a warm feeling budding in my chest and a ghost of a smile finding its way to my lips.

After I'm done with the dishes, I walk into the living room. But mom is not there. Which can only mean she's in her room. I stand there, debating whether I should go to her or back up the stairs to my own room. It'll be easier to just go back and sulk, and I'm almost tempted to do so. But then, I remember her smile upon seeing me tonight, and before I can think, my feet have already carried me in front of her room.

She looks up from the book she's reading, a hint of curiosity behind her eyes. Then she beckons me inside. And I don't waste another second.

I stumble on my way to the bed, crawl over the sheets, then bury my face on her lap. I hear her putting the book aside, and soon long and thin fingers are threading through my hair, caressing my scalp in a soothing manner. I feel myself relax as her ministration slowly drains the tension away from my body and mind.

I should've come to her sooner. How stupid of me!

" 'm sorry mom…" I mumble against her.

Her fingers halt for a split second, then resume their track though my locks. I close my eyes and sigh contently. And then, I hear the soft and gentle humming.

She's singing me a lullaby.

The winds sweep away soul
And people snatch away hearts
Nevertheless, I shall remain in this place
And continue singing
Please, somehow
Send my song to where it must reach
Please, somehow
Receive and accept this song of mine…

I listen quietly, noticing how her voice perfectly captures the soothing tune, how it goes high and low with the notes. The words feel like they're flowing in the air and brushing over me tenderly. Carrying loneliness and yearning and longing. And the more I hear, the more I feel in tune with them.

My arms close around her waist and I nuzzle my face further in her lap. Her touches turn softer, her voice goes lower. But the song goes on.

And before I know it, I find myself singing with her, hoping against hope that somehow this song will carry all my feelings…

… To him.

It was the beginning of winter when Hange came back. Now it's nearing the end. I haven't contacted them since. I'm afraid of turning back into the hopeless broken mess if I do.

School is busier than usual with the end of term approaching and everyone seems to be in a rush with last minute preparation.

Me? I'm a little better, I guess. With the pressure of finals over my head and those two constantly nagging to make sure I'm studying properly, there's very little time for stray thoughts in my head.

It's good.

I can't say I've recovered completely. Of course not. That'll take quite a while. But at least now I know that there's a chance. That I can get back up if I really try. Even though the midnight dreams beg to differ. But that's not important.

The question is – do I want to try?

I shake my head and focus on the text in front of me. I gotta prepare for the exams. This is no time to ponder over unnecessary thoughts.

A soft knock at the door breaks my contemplation.

I turn around to see mom entering the room with two cups. She smiles when I look at her hands curiously, then places a cup in front of me.

"Hot chocolate?!" I grin.

She chuckles, ruffling my hair. "All the best sweetheart."

Something warm fills my heart and I feel my lips curving into a genuine smile. This is one of those moments when I really feel like I wanna try and move on. If not for myself, then at least for the ones around me.

"Mom?"

She turns around from the door, waiting for me to speak. When I say nothing, she walks back to me. From the corner of my eye, I see her take a seat on my rumpled bed.

"Why do you never ask about it?" my voice trembles as I ask the question that's been bugging me for days.

To my surprise, she smiles. "Because I know you'll tell me when the time is right."

My head snaps up to look at her.

Is this woman for real? I ignored her for a whole month, never considering how she was feeling. And then when I returned, messed up and disoriented, she accepted me with open arms without ever asking for any explanation.

How can she have so much faith in me when I've been nothing but a wreck for the past two months? How is she so strong?

I ignore the loud screech my chair makes as I drag it across the floor to scoot closer. And soon my head finds shelter on her shoulder. It's funny, isn't it? I'm already seventeen years old. Boys my age don't cling to their mother like I'm doing right now.

But when did I ever care? This woman is my source of strength. And that's exactly what I need the most right now.

"I… I like someone", my voice is barely a whisper. "Someone I shouldn't…"

Her hand comes up to wrap around my shoulder. She hums.

"I'm t-trying… to move on… b-but!" Damn! Why am I choking?!

"Sshh…"

"I d-don't know if I can, mom!" the words start rushing out. "I don't know if I w-want to!"

She holds me close while choked sobs send tremors through my body.

"It'll be alright baby." Her fingers brush up and down my arm. "You'll need time. But it'll be alright in the end."

"H-How do you know?"

I feel her lips press against my forehead. "I just do."

I don't know how many minutes pass like that. Or hours, I couldn't really tell. When I finally raise my head, she gently wipes my tears away and places a kiss on my cheek.

"Mom?"

"Hmm?"

"You didn't even ask who it is…"

She offers another smile. "Like I said Eren, I know you'll tell me when the time is right." She pauses. "And when you do, I'll be there for you."

I wrap my arms around her and smile. After a long time I'm feeling content. Somehow, it feels like things will get better from now on.

If only I knew how wrong I was.

A/N: Whew! So much angst! Well, it's a teenager's first love after all. But no matter how painful the situation, I want my boys to have people around him who are always there to support! It's a little difficult to make Levi accept any kinda support - which is why we need someone a bit too nuts like Hange! XP Compared to that, Eren's much more easygoing. It does take a bit of persuasion, but of course, Mikasa and Armin know just how to get inside his skin.

Also, I wanted to portray Carla as a supporting mother who doesn't impose anything on her child. We don't get to see much interaction between Eren and Carla in canon, and whatever little of it we do get, she seems overprotective of him. I guess it's obvious, I mean which mother would wanna send their son to the Recon Corps? But I wanted to bring out a different characteristic of her here. Since Grisha's not around much and also he and Eren are not quite in good terms recently, the boy needs to have a supportive parent!

By the way, the lullaby Carla sings - it's sung by Nezumi in No. 6 (Voiced by Hosoya Yoshimasa who also voices Reiner in SnK). It's a beautiful song! Here's the link if you wanna listen: wwwDOTyoutubeDOTcomSLASHwatch?v=D4-6wfk5rpU

Next chapter will be from Levi. We'll get to see how he's dealing with the aftermath.

On a different note, Season 3 going so amazing. The animation of Rod Reiss's Titan really creeped the hell out of me! I didn't realize it's THIS big when I read the manga.

OFF TOPIC: Any fan of Free! here? I'm going crazy with the new season! That SouRin moment in the last episode left me with heartshaped eyes ^_^