College has me whipped lol. Idk how I can be so liberated yet so chained down at the same time. Adulting is weird. It's almost 2 am and I'm crying while listening to Love Myself by BTS. It's a good song. Also, thank you Krysyuy for everything you do as my beta reader.

Wang So

Sitting on a raised dais outside a convenience store, So nursed a bottle of water while Yoon swung her legs beside him, her little hands gingerly holding her banana milk. Her lips pursed against her straw and So lovingly watched as the little girl enjoyed her post-daycare snack.

So had to report the receipts to Chae Ryung so he could be reimbursed, but whenever he bought Mi and Yoon anything, he made sure to keep any proof of purchase away from the nanny. He liked getting his girlfriend's children little things and they seemed to like it as well.

"Is it good?" So asked the toddler. Yoon nodded her head and giggled, baring her teeth against the white straw she had bitten into flatness.

She held the oddly shaped container out to So, offering him a sip. "Try!"

Leaning forward, So took the straw in his mouth and took a little sip of the sweet liquid that he was sure was neither milk nor bananas. He hated sweets, but when he let go of the straw and nodded to Yoon to tell her he thought the drink was good as well, she gave him her widest smile and So felt himself also smiling.

Yoon scooted closer towards him and So put an arm around the little girl's shoulder, straightening her daycare uniform. He patted her back and sat with her as she finished her drink.

An incessant nagging in his mind kept So from fully investing his attention into the three-year-old that gnawed on her straw.

Already, a week had passed since he had come to the conclusion that he needed to come clean to Soo, but that was easier said than done. Having grown accustomed to driving the girls around and seeing Soo on an hourly basis, So dreaded being forced to leave. He could not deny the love and sentiment he harbored for Soo and her girls.

"Mr. So, I wanna go home," Yoon said, giving his sleeve a small yank. "Wanna see Mommy."

Resting a gentle hand on Yoon's head, So patted the cute braids Soo did for her daughter every morning. "Sorry, buddy," he said, giving the toddler's nose a little tap. Her nostrils flared at him and So kept himself from laughing at her cuteness. "Mommy says you have to go to English class."

"But I don't wanna," Yoon replied with a groan. She rolled her eyes and collapsed against So's side in a dramatic display of annoyance. She looked exactly like Soo when she made a face at the thought of spending an hour in an English academy.

Smiling, So helped her sit upright again and pointed to the gray recycling bin with the white triangle on it. "Plastic goes where?"

"Triangle box," Yoon said. She jumped off of the dais and ran to where he pointed, throwing her empty carton into it and immediately running back to him for their usual high-five when she did something good.

After delivering Miss Yoon to her academy and giving the little girl a big hug, So answered a call from Mi and confirmed that he had purchased her new pencils and scissors. "Yeah, they're in the trunk of Mr. So's car, so I'll leave them on your bed and you can pack them for school tomorrow, okay?" he said as he pulled into the driveway.

"Thank you, Mr. So! You're awesome!" Mi called from the other end.

Smiling, So thanked the little girl before telling her to return to her academy. "I'll be there to pick you up after class. Mommy says you and your family are going out for dinner."

The number of cars in the driveway informed So that everyone aside from the children was home. As he walked from car to front door, So thought about Mi and Yoon, grateful that both children were too young to understand the concept of a hitman.

Today is the day, So thought. He unlocked the door with the new code Wook had provided the staff with that week and opened it with a long sigh. The beautiful weather lifted his spirits and his time spent with Mi and Yoon made him hope.

He set his shoes in his assigned spot when he entered the house. Like his first day, Chae Ryung greeted him at the door, but this time she gave him a haughty scoff as she passed by. He did not bother addressing her.

So put his designated slippers on and stepped up from the shoe room, gazing around the quiet foyer. When he glanced into the living room, he met eyes with Wook. So bowed to him out of necessity and the stone-faced politician looked away without so much as a blink.

The house adapted to his presence as if he was an abomination to its integral structure. In a way, So assumed he was.

The homewrecking hitman did not bother speaking to anyone else he passed by as he walked up the steps to Soo's office. Too caught up in wiping his suddenly clammy palms against his pants, So did not realize he subconsciously stepped out the quietest way up the stairs.

The sound of his terrified heart drowned out all other thoughts and noises, and So focused on keeping his breathing constant. His entire body felt dragged down by the enormous weight of uncertainty, and he gulped as he approached the slightly open door that was Soo's office.

On his way, he dropped by Mi's room, glancing around the lovely pink bedroom and missing hearing its owner's laughter. Pulling her school supplies from his pocket, he set them onto her pink and white duvet. He left the room after completing his little detour, returning to the path he had chosen.

His knuckles rapped on Soo's door before he could even think about what to do next, and So closed his eyes as the soft voice he had fallen in love with allowed him entrance. He did not enter immediately, taking a moment to collect himself and breathe. Holding onto the cold doorknob, he inhaled until his chest felt ready to burst. Then, he slowly exhaled.

So pushed the door open and looked straight at Soo as her quizzical expression morphed into delight. In that very moment, when he registered the beautiful woman that had loved him for the months he had been with her, So forgot all of his fears. Then, when he closed the door behind him and she stood from her seat and approached with the lightest feet, his terror came crashing down. He could no longer lie to her.

He noticed the tiniest details about her as he memorized her for what felt like the last time. The constant dread of the worst possible scenario happening forced him to ingrain in his mind how lovely she looked, how sweet her smile was, how kind her eyes were, and how happily she approached him. Their relationship flashed before his eyes, and So felt nothing but gratefulness for the change she had caused in him… and now he was about to betray her.

Soo's arms went around his neck and So willingly leaned down and nuzzled his forehead against hers as her soft lips met his, noticing a hint of sweetness in her lipstick. He held her tightly and savored what felt like their last kiss.

When Soo pulled away, So pined for her. "Did you have fun driving my girls around?" Soo asked.

So nodded, unable to fully create words on his tongue and unable to let go as his fingers twined into the thin material of her blouse. He wanted nothing more than to just pretend nothing was wrong and continue kissing Soo. If he forgot his past, then he would not have to tell Soo about it and they could be happy.

You'll never be happy knowing you're lying to Soo.

So wished he had never become a hitman.

"Are you okay?" Soo asked. So closed his eyes as Soo's palm cupped his cheek, her bottomless eyes imploring him to speak. "So… baby, are you okay?"

He wordlessly led her back to her desk and Soo followed too willingly. The chair hissed as she sat back down into it, and So averted his eyes when he saw the immense worry behind hers. When Soo's cool hands clasped his, he slowly lowered himself, continuing to keep his eyes downcast as he knelt in front of the love of his life.

How funny would it be if I proposed now? So thought through his fear.

When both knees touched the floor and So's nose was close enough to Soo for him to feel his own exhales ricocheting off her pants, he touched the bracelet he had given to her, knowing that she never took it off.

"I need to tell you something," he said, raising his line of sight to include Soo, who peered down at him with worry and confusion blatantly spread across her features. She kept a tight hold over his fingers as his hands lost their strength in her grasp. Soo nodded for him to continue, and So knew nothing would prepare her, so he did not warn her.

"I'm not… I…" He struggled to find the right words, completely forgetting the speech he had planned. Without any prepared words available, So stammered and stuttered, too scared of the woman before him to completely understand what his own thoughts wanted him to say.

All he knew was that it was now or never… and that hurt him to no end.

"Soo, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he said first, his voice growing weaker by the second as his palms trembled and pooled with sweat. A bead of perspiration fell from So's forehead and he breathed deeply.

"So, you're scaring me," Soo stated, leaning forward in her seat. So flinched backwards as she tried to come closer to him. "What's going on?"

"Before I came to work for you, I was given the task of killing your husband," So uttered helplessly. The walls around his soul came crumbling down as he bared himself to Soo, unable to push her out any longer. "I was a hitman. I came here to kill Wook and possibly even you… or the girls."

When the dust cleared, all that was left was a single man who knelt before the love of his life.

"April Fools' has passed," Soo said softly, her lips pulling into a smile. "As if I'd ever believe you're…" So gazed into her eyes and she trailed off, realization setting in as she stared at him. He watched in mute terror as her expression morphed from playfulness to actual fear. "No. No, you're lying. You're not–"

"I'm sorry, Soo," he said, aghast at how easily she let his hands fall from hers and hit the floor. He did not dare look at her for fear of breaking down. Instead, So kept his attention on the wood floor, listening through Soo's deafening silence.

The cold floor kept So rooted against it, and he breathed deeply as his shame overflowed and his self-loathing tore into his bared heart. He was nothing compared to the people in the house. So had killed people. It was only right that Soo react the way she did.

"You're not lying," she finally said, her voice a weak little tremor through the eerily still office. So nodded slowly. "You came here to… my husband… my children..."

"I never made due on my contract and I never will," So said, wanting nothing more than to melt into the ground. "I stopped. You taught me how to be better. I'm clean n–"

"Get away from me," interjected Soo. She stood abruptly and So winced when her chair rolled away. She took a step backwards before holding her desk and pressing a strained hand to her chest. "You're lying," she said with a breathless laugh. "I know you, Wang So. You can't hurt anyone. You're not… You're just lying. This is… a trick. I let you around my children. I told you everything about me."

So wished to every god that her words were true; that he was lying. He wished he had never hurt anyone in his life, and wished that he had never made the decision to become a hitman. Every stupid and malicious decision leading up to where he knelt before the love of his life and confessed his sins became a regret that So could not absolve himself of.

"When have I ever lied to you?" he whispered.

So flinched when the bracelet he gifted to Soo fell beside his hand and she stumbled away from him, almost tripping over her chair as she fled. Her slippers fell off in her frantic attempt to distance themselves from each other and So remained still, knowing that if he moved, she would scream.

"Soo, I'd never hurt you or your family. I swear. Please don't..." He had no idea what he wanted her to do. It was only natural for her to run. He was a monster no matter how much he pleaded on his hands and knees, submitting himself to the woman that looked at him with so much betrayal that he knew he deserved everything sent towards him.

Tears that So had no idea had even built up fell from his eyes and he turned his head to look at Soo across her desk. She showed no mercy behind the new wall between them, and So took a long, shaking breath as Soo closed her eyes to his pain.

"Get out of my house," she said, her eyes still downcast. Her voice remained low, but for the first time, So sensed danger in her tone, and that did nothing to alleviate his fear. "Get away from me. Get out. Get out!"

"Please, Soo, please," So begged, "you said you weren't afraid of me. You said–"

"I am afraid of you," Soo immediately said, her voice devoid of its usual warmth. "I wasn't afraid when you were a bodyguard. But you're a monster. I'm afraid of you and I never want to see you again."

So collapsed against Soo's desk as her footsteps retreated at the pace of a hunted animal, rushing down the stairs and fleeing for her life. He did not blame her. She saw him for what he was and he trusted her judgement too much to disagree.

In that same instant, before his emotions could fully take hold or the regret in his body could create lethargy, So felt nothing but pure adrenaline kick in as his body shouted at him to prepare.

For what? She was gone. There was nothing left for him in this life. He had lost the only person that had cradled his battered soul and lifted him from the rubble. And it was all his fault.

So picked the delicate gold chain off of the floor, counting the perfect flowers with his fingers as he jammed it into his pocket and ran from the office. He moved on autopilot, unable to comprehend anything but the fact that he needed to leave.

On his way out, he froze when he came face-to-face with Chae Ryung. The smug nanny gave his disheveled form a once-over before smirking and resting her hand on her hip. "I've been told to inform you that your position as bodyguard and head of the security team has been terminated. You're to return all keys, cards, and equipment, and then I'll deliver your luggage."

So had barely registered her words when Wook's bodyguard lumbered up the stairs and motioned for him to follow. "Come with me, So."

There was confusion in the older man's eyes but So did not care. Instead, he forked over all Chae Ryung asked for and followed Wook's bodyguard out, hurriedly looking around the desolate house for any sign of Soo. He only wanted to see her again, but nowhere in his line of sight was the woman he loved.

So, he did not fight or even put up any resistance. So exhaled shallow breaths and removed his slippers, pulling his shoes back on in their stead, and stepping out into the dazzling sunlight. It was a day like the one when he had first entered the house.

The bodyguard stayed by his side until Chae Ryung delivered his suitcase containing all of his belongings hastily packed and locked.

"Go fuck yourself," hissed the nanny as she pushed So's suitcase towards him. "I knew you were scum. I'm glad I told Wook about you."

So hardly listened to her. Instead, he breathed deeply and pulled his phone from his pocket, calling a cab service and providing Soo's address. He ignored Chae Ryung and Wook's bodyguard as they walked away; all he could think about was Soo, and with each passing second, his heart broke more and more.

An hour later, So coughed at the cloud of dust that flew when he opened the door to an apartment he had not seen for months.

Nothing had changed since he last packed a few scalpels and knives for when he moved to Soo's house. He had originally planned to return for different materials later on in his job, but that decision remained unfulfilled. All too quickly, So had integrated himself into Soo's home, adopting a small room within the large mansion.

Now, glancing at the plastic-covered bed, outdated TV, and neglected kitchen, So's chest ached at the depraved life his past self had lived. This was his world. He did not belong with a loving girlfriend or her sweet children. He belonged in the dust, neglected and forgotten like the rest of his belongings. Things like him did not deserve to find light.

He walked without thought, shutting the front door behind him and opening a closet to stare at all the unloaded guns hanging from the walls. Dusty black metal greeted him like an old friend, and So could no longer bear to suppress the emotions he had been keeping back for the past hour.

This is why Hae Soo left you.

Tears fell from his eyes as he threw each weapon out of the closet, dismantling them and hurling them away from his clothes. He destroyed what he could, unable to allow this festering rot to consume him any longer.

Dust and hatred flew in clouds as he shouted and roared like a caged animal trying to be free. His cries melted into sobs, and when the dust settled, So cradled his bloody hands to his chest and collapsed to the ground, surrounded by the broken and flung pieces of firearms that provided solace to the hitman that detested them.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, inconsolably seeking out Soo as if she could hear him from across the city. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please. I'm sorry."

The rest of the day faded as So remained still on the floor, unable to move. Exhaustion seeped into his bones when his tears dried, and So only focused on breathing, watching the sun set outside his window. The rest of the day passed without a care for the hitman that curled himself into a ball on the cold, wooden floor.

"What do I do now, Soo?" he whimpered.

So picked himself off the floor the next day.

Lethargic and dirty, he moved listlessly, picking up the pieces around him and throwing them into a large bag. He filled two duffels with every trace of his disgusting past.

His body moved without command as he sat on the kitchen floor and mixed each chemical in his fridge with bleach, effectively killing the substance and preparing it to be dumped in a crowded location.

He did not acknowledge his hunger or his need for a shower. So dazedly carried the gun parts to a local steel factory, paying his man as much as he wanted to completely destroy each and every weapon. So watched the entire process to make sure it was done completely. At the end of it all, he carried the chemicals from his fridge to a place where heavy foot traffic would wash away the stench of murder. With each chemical scattered in the wind, and each weapon turned into molten metal, So returned to his apartment with a case of soju and a box of cleaning supplies.

Everything in the old, unused apartment received care and So cleared the single room of dust, scrubbing the tiles in the kitchen and vacuuming every flat surface in his desperate attempt to keep himself occupied. If he stopped, he thought of Soo.

When the bleak apartment regained some of its luster and dust no longer flew every time So took a step forward, he stripped out of the outfit he had worn for the past two days and threw everything into the garbage. Then he stepped into his shower and scrubbed his body until every inch of his skin stung. He only somewhat felt better after ridding himself of all traces of his past.

Wiping himself off with a towel, So gazed around the clean apartment and sighed. He located a pair of underwear, found a t-shirt and shorts, and donned them without a second thought.

So looked at the watch on his wrist and felt his breathing hitch, staring at the lovely piece that Soo had given to him with her love. The second hand ticked over the face and when So touched the timepiece, he could feel Soo.

He refused to lose any piece of Soo that he had left, knowing that he could never give her up in his heart… even if she had him.

Digging through his garbage, So desperately sifted past wipes, clumps of dust, and grimy rags until he found the pants he had worn. He ignored the stains and bleached spots from leaked chemicals and instead reached into the left pocket and withdrew the delicate bracelet he had given to Soo.

Tossing the garbage aside, So gazed at the lovely piece of jewelry that had no place being in his scarred hands. The three ivory peonies and two red, jade beads still gleamed as So let the gold chain drape over his wrist, setting it beside his watch and connecting the clasp to the last link. It was a fragile piece meant for a wrist much skinnier and much prettier than his, but So wiped his wet eyes and pressed his hand to his chest, trying to soothe the wrenching pain as he realized he would never see her again.

He crawled to the center of his apartment and sat beside the already open case of soju, reaching in for the first bottle and cracking it open. In his tired and saddened state, he swallowed alcohol like it was water, emptying bottle after bottle until he collapsed over the box and deliriously shook his head.

"You always held your liquor better than… I did. Are you drinking because of me? Can't you drink because of me? Please…"

Weeping against a half-empty box of soju, So closed his eyes and realized he did not want Soo to hurt because of him. He hiccuped and sniffled, too full of regret and sadness to do anything but drink his agony away.

"Let me drink for the both of us, then," he murmured, forcing the bottle to his lips and taking another drink. He could not take any more, but he only endeavored further, forcing gulp after gulp of sweet poison into the body he had given to Soo. "So that you don't have to. So you can just… just be happy… and normal."

It finally happened. After like a year. Wow.
Lol thanks for reading, guys. I know I don't reply to comments a lot but I read every single one of them and they all mean the world to me. Thank you thank you to everyone who still reads. Stay with me to the end 3

-K