Chapter Five: Old Habits

At home I couldn't stop thinking about my kids, and how horrible of a mother I was to do what I did to them. Luckily Chief was there to help me wallow in self-pity, and slowly, the day passed.

In the evening I checked my watch. It was 1820 hours now. Willis and the kids should be coming by soon.

I got dinner ready for when they walked in the door, then plopped myself down on the couch with Chief to watch some show on the holoscreen. Ten minutes later, my basic door AI chimed. I gave my dog a look.

"Ready to meet everyone, Chief?" I asked him.

He gave an apprehensive low whine, and I chuckled and took his head in my hands to kiss it.

"Stop. They'll love you. Now go get in the bedroom. You're going to be a surprise."

Chief did as I said, and I shut the door behind him. Then I went up to the front to let everyone in.

It was like a stampede when I opened the front door - the very best kind.

"Mommy!" Logan yelled, practically jumping out of Willis's arms to me. I caught him as he scrambled out of his father's grasp and gave him a big kiss on the side of his head.

"Hi, baby. I missed you. So much."

As I pulled him close the twins attacked my sides, and it was like my heart was finally pieced back together after being hollow the last few days without them. Gabriel hung back behind his father, but I beckoned him closer with my free hand.

"You, too, kiddo. Come here."

My oldest son reluctantly shuffled forward and I bent down to kiss his hair - the same golden brown as his dad's and his youngest brother's. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he mumbled in a low voice.

"And you, and you, and you," I said, giving kisses to the rest of them. "Now, who's hungry?"

"Me!" Liam yelled.

"Me, too!" Olivia said.

"Me!" Logan echoed.

"Okay. Everybody head to the living room. I've got a surprise for you first." I finally turned to face Willis then as our kids rushed off. "You, too. Come on in."

He hesitated. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I think you're going to want to see this..."

While Willis and the kids waited, I went to get my new dog. Just in case, I grabbed him by the collar and gently coaxed him out.

"Okay, guys," I said loudly from the hall. "Close your eyes. Dad, you, too."

"Got my eyes closed," Willis responded.

We made it into the room. "Everybody ready? Open them!"

My daughter screamed, and Liam and Gabe simultaneously said, "Yes!" Little Logan grinned wide.

"Doggie!" he cried.

Willis just sat back in disbelief as our kids all but ran at poor Chief. I pulled him back and held out a hand.

"Okay, guys. Quietly, one at a time. Put your hand out for him to sniff first and get to know you. You don't want to scare him."

"What's his name?" Liam asked me.

"Chief."

"Chief," he repeated. Then his hazel eyes lit up. "I love it!"

"Is it a boy dog or a girl dog?" Olivia wondered, and I smiled.

"He's a boy dog. Come say hi."

My daughter was the first to greet Chief, then Liam, then Gabriel, and finally, I held onto Chief as Willis helped Logan pat him gently on the nose. It was a good family moment for all of us...until I remembered one very important fact, and my smile waned.

Once the kids had established themselves with the dog, and got to play with him on the floor for a bit, I sent them to go wash their hands for dinner. Willis took his turn to meet Chief, too, then turned back to glance at the front door.

"I guess I should be going now and leave you guys to it. You'll come drop them off at the house in a few days?"

"Of course," I said with a nod. Then I paused. "Do you want to stay for dinner? I think there's enough for an extra plate. Might be good for us to do something like this every once in a while, as a family. For the kids."

I could see him struggling to decide. After a minute, though, he finally shrugged and said, "Why not. Sure."

"I'll get another plate out for you."

The kids came back shortly and we all ate around the large, rectangular table in the dining room that seated exactly six, so it worked out fine. It was a much more boisterous and pleasant dinner than we'd all had in a while; the kids were excited about the dog, and even happier to see their father and I finally share a space again. It was definitely good for them to see us together, even if we were now officially separated.

It was still a little hard to believe when I stopped to think about it, but I was coming to terms with that as well.

After dinner Willis insisted on helping me rinse the plates to throw in the dishwasher, and the kids went to play with the dog again. Shortly after that it was bed time for everyone, and I got them all ready while Willis hung out with Chief.

I put Logan to sleep in his toddler bed in Gabriel's room, unsure if Chief needed a break from the kids for tonight. When I was done, I went back out into the living room to call the dog over, but Willis sat smiling and scratching his ears.

So I sunk into the couch beside them instead, with Chief between us.

"He seems to like you," I said, and Willis nodded.

"Yeah. He's a good dog. I think you did good getting him." He lifted his head then and met my gaze. "I wish you would've asked me first considering he'll be around the kids, but I realize this is...new territory. It's your home, and your choice, so I'm not sure...how I fit into that, or even if I should."

"It's still new to all of us. We'll figure it out."

He nodded, though I wasn't sure if he agreed or not. Chief looked like he was about to pass out in Willis's lap, so I finally called him over and sent him to his doggie bed in my bedroom, then shut the door. When I returned, Willis still hadn't moved. Tentatively, I came back over to sit down, though I kept a good amount of space between us.

"It feels strange, right?" he asked then. "Strange, but familiar at the same time."

"Yeah. It'll take some getting used to."

"I don't know that the full break helped any. I...missed seeing you."

"Me, too."

There was a pregnant pause, but I don't think either of us wanted to break it - or knew how. After a while I cleared my throat and said, "Did you ever get anything out of Gabe earlier? About what happened at school, I mean?"

"Yeah." He brought a hand up to his face and sighed. "He said his 'friend' was making fun of him, saying he came from a 'broken home' now. You know, mean kid stuff."

I snorted softly. "Some friend."

"I told him what Eddie said wasn't very nice, but still not something to punch someone over. Gabe agreed he wouldn't do it again."

"What about the other stuff Gupta mentioned? The smaller incidents throughout the week?"

"He said he just got caught messing around in class. Throwing erasers, being disruptive, that kind of thing." A corner of Willis's lips turned up briefly. "Poor kid basically hasn't had any morning recess for the last few days."

At that I reached out and swatted him playfully on the arm. "Don't. It's not funny."

"It is, a little."

I waited until the urge to giggle abated. "Our son, the troublemaker."

"Yep." He gave me a look. "He gets it from you, you know."

"Me?"

"Oh, yeah. You're the one on administrative leave, remember? So...you're essentially both suspended now, at the same time."

I frowned. "That's...actually very true."

Things died down again for a moment. I don't know why but I scooted a little closer, and our eyes met. Willis turned suddenly then, cupping my cheek in his hand, and kissed me.

"Willis - "

I wanted to protest, but his lips met mine again and the sound never made it out of my throat. In seconds I found myself pulling him closer, deepening our embrace, and very quickly, I was losing all ability to think.

Willis laid me down gently against the cushions, and then I was lost in his touch and a heady mix of want and need and love. The love I still felt for him, all the time, combined with the pain of missing him these last two months, and now...I just wanted us to be together again, one last time.

We rolled onto the floor, unintentionally, but even that didn't stop us. Soon our clothing was being cast off left and right as Willis moved above me - and then, we were making love.

I didn't know what to feel afterward. Certainly I felt satisfied, but beyond that, it was all very confusing, to say the least. Willis didn't seem to have an answer for it, either. He just laid quietly beside me, sweaty and breathing hard from the exertion, as was I.

"We should get dressed," I finally said. "Just in case one of the kids wakes up. We don't want them to walk in on us out here."

"No, we definitely don't."

He rolled his upper body forward and reached for his T-shirt and boxers. In the meantime, I stayed put a little longer, relishing the sight of him naked in the dark.

"Here," he said, turning back to hand me my bra and underwear. He started pulling his clothes on, as did I, but then he frowned.

I paused, too. "Will? What's wrong?"

He hesitated. "I...should've asked you this sooner, but..."

Catching his drift, I sat up and touched his shoulder, smirking a bit. "Don't worry. I just got a fresh dose of my contraceptive shot, so I'm good for a year. You won't be getting your ex-wife pregnant."

His frown deepened. "You're not my ex-wife yet, Natalie. You're still my wife." He reached out to touch my cheek again. "And I love you."

I closed the gap between us and kissed him softly on the lips. "I love you, too, Will. I told you that."

"So...maybe we should think about going to counseling. Get things back on track."

I sighed and drew my legs up to my chest, suddenly feeling more exposed than I wanted to be. "We'll see. Sex isn't going to fix this, you know. There's still a lot to deal with here."

"I know." He blew out a breath. "There's still your hearing coming up, too. Are you nervous?"

"Of course I am. And yes, that's definitely part of it. I kind of...need to know where I stand on that before I make any other decisions right now."

He nodded. "Okay. That's fair."

He moved to sit back up on the couch and finish getting dressed, but I gently grabbed hold of his wrist to stop him.

"Willis...I hope you know that I do want this to work out. I want to be with you again. But only when I can be sure...when we can be sure that we can really make it work, after what happened. I don't want us to get our hopes up and have it fail, and I don't want to do that to the kids, either." Emotion welled up inside me, and I had to swallow it down to continue. "I'm still coming to terms with...everything. My pills for the nightmares don't always work, and it's...been very hard. There's a lot I don't understand about myself yet, and a lot I'm still...fucking mad at you for. So just...give it time."

"I have been. I'm still angry, too - about Ethan. I know this isn't going to all be resolved in a day. I just - " He stopped himself. He ran a hand over his hair, standing back up to his full height, and then sagged into the couch, still only partly clothed. "Forget it. You're right. Let's do this one step at a time - you've got your hearing to get through first."

I wanted to say more but couldn't find the words - that damn curse I'd picked up from my time in captivity. Instead I finished getting dressed, as did he, and then I stood there awkwardly in the living room as he went to peek into the kids' bedrooms to say goodnight.

After that he came back out, and I saw him to the door. He stopped to kiss my forehead.

"Goodnight, Natalie. I'll see you guys in a couple days."

"Goodnight, Will."

And with that, he left.