Míriaell's POV

My second week in the Middle Earth trap house started like this..

"Snow White I refuse to put that on you can't make me! Unless you have Tom Holland hiding under those skirts," I screamed holding onto the bed.

"Lady Arwen she is strong I am not sure we can hold on much longer," Snow White's maid chicks cried pulling my legs.

"Míriaell you are acting of that of a babe still on the breast. Put on the dress," Snow White sighed.

"Never! I will not I shall not I-"

Now I was sitting in what felt like a start to a really bad joke or an orgy. Arwen had got me into a dress after she offered me some llama llama bread. It was a pastel lavender color with tight fabric that gripped my arms from my biceps but flowed around my wrist. It came with this adorable little white sash and the most comfortable flats I've ever known. Arwen has tried taming my hair but Merida has a mind of her own and so I'm rocking my long mid back length red hair curls and all.

As for the orgy joke. There were was 3 short dudes. So that's where Snow's dwarves had been. Some more elves. Some men, thank god I'm having a dry spell. A little dude which I believe to be a hobbit and Gandy and Elmo.

I raised my hand before we began.

Gandy gave me please-don't-do-anything-stupid look and Elrond addressed me.

"Yes Míriaell," he sounded tired of me already.

Ya accidentally walk in on a guy taking the biggest dump Middle Earth has seen since Lily dumped Marshall in How I Met Your Mother.

"Can I just say your eyes are sparkling today babe. And also I don't wanna be here that is all," I smiled.

The room went silent waiting for Elmo to react.

"Míriaell we've talked about this you are attending so that I don't have to worry about you spying later."

Fair enough. And so I shrugged.

Elmo began he Sesame Street speech, "

Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom."

He gestures to the pedestal.

"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."

Finally I get to see this dumb ring everyone is losing their shit over.

The little dude who I think is also the hobbit and now I guess named Frodo rises and lays the Ring on the pedestal and returns to his seat.

I look at the ring and shrug. Tiffany's would be embarrassed. Not to mention the Jones brothers. Nobody say a word.

The people around me start whispering.

Before a man with stringy looking noodle hair speaks the loudest, "So it is true..."

I heard another man mumble, "The Doom of Men."

Strings shakes his head and starts pacing, "It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!"

So this is gonna be the guy to try and kill us all later in the movie isn't he. For the love of whoever wrote the script a bitch don't wanna die.

Another man speaks up, he's like a cleaner version of Johnny Depp, "You cannot wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."

Strings is on the defense, "And what would a ranger know of this matter?"

Suddenly one of the elves stands. He's one of the first blonde ones I've seen. Hmm think I'll call him Barbie.

Barbie, "This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

Ahh so this was the Aragorn Snow White's panties cried about every night. Well metaphorically speaking since they don't have panties.

Strings looks at Barbie like he wants to fight and take her Malibu dream house, "Aragorn? This... is Isildur's heir?"

Barbie now looks constipated, "And heir to the throne of Gondor."

Oh shit he's a a king. Damn Aragorn forget Snow White I'm in need of the royal treatment.

Aragorn spoke in the pretty French which I've learned is Sindarin, "Havo dad Legolas"

Ahh so Barbie is Legolas. New nickname!! Clint Barton.

Strings grumbles and returns to his seat, "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king."

"And you sounds like a salty bitch who hasn't got his c-"

Gandy gives me a look before continuing, "Aragorn is right. We cannot use it."

Elmo speaks up this time, "You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed."

"Sounds a bit dramatic if you ask me. I say we let me wear it. Anyone? No? No. Got it," I laughed as many of the men around me looked at me.

Shorty with the rocking bear stands up, "What are we waiting for?"

Oh this fool stupid stupid huh? He grabs an axe and approaches the pedestal.

"ARGH!!!"

Shorty strikes the Ring with full force but is repelled back, throwing him to the ground. The Ring remains intact with the shards of the axe all around it.

Dark whispers start to emerge from the ring.

"Good job short stuff now you've broken your toy and pissed off the ring."

Elmo continued, "The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin by any craft that we here possess. The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came."

Ahh so shorty is Gimli. Haha Gimli the Gummy Bear.

The ring continues to whisper "Ash Nazg"

Elmo dropped a bomb bigger than the one from this morning, "One of you must do this."

And that ensued a dead silence from the council.

Strings spoke up..again, "One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. And the great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland. Riddled with fire and ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!"

"See the string cheese haired roach has a point. I don't know much about this place but I'm agreeing you can't just want into a place like that," I looked at Elmo.

And up Clint Barton is being all righteous, "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!"

This kid is like if Cap and Clint got it on and made a righteous little patriotic archer.

Gummy bear jumps in now, "And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?!"

Cue Strings, "And if we fail, what then?! What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?!"

Gummy is having none of this, "I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!"

And that my friends is how I met your mother. Okay no these idiots start arguing with each other. And I thought I was the immature one.

At this point no one is paying attention to me so I just stroll right up to the ring and exam it. Hmm looks nice.

Gummy is yelling, "Never trust an elf!"

Gandy comes in, "Do you not understand that while we bicker amongst ourselves, Sauron's power grows?! None can escape it!"

I walk over to Frodo who remains seated, watching the Ring uneasily, the angry figures of the council reflected on its surface.

"Hey look perfect fit," I laughed and show him the ring on my finger. Frodo looks at me like I'm crazy and starting standing.

Suddenly, flames flare up, engulfing the surface of the Ring. And the the stupid thing starts chanting. Ash Nazg Durbatuluk! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul!

Damn thing has an alarm system.

The intensity of the arguments increase. I watch as slowly, determination dawns on Frodo's face. He stands and takes a few steps toward the arguing council, trying to make his voice heard above them.

At this point I'm behind him trying to get the damn thing off. Darn those late 2am donuts.

Frodo yells, "I will take it! I will take it!"

The argument slowly dies down. Gandy who was nearest closes is eyes as he hears Frodo's statement. The members of the council slowly turn towards Frodo, astonished.

Frodo states again, "I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though-- I do not know the way."

Still in the background attempting to get the ring of my hand. How'd I get so chubby.

Gandy walks up to Frodo, "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, so long as it is yours to bear." He places his hands reassuringly on Frodo's shoulders.

Aragorn the yummy ranger rises, "If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will."

He approaches Frodo and keels before him. Oh shit proposal.

I put my hand behind my back as I try wiggling the ring off. I'm so close to sticking it in my mouth.

Aragorn smiled, "You have my sword."

Obviously Clint couldn't let his lover go alone, "And you have my bow." He walks to join them.

And Gummy has to join too, "And my axe" he looks grimly at Legolas as he joins the group.

Stringy walks over to them, "You carry the fates of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done."

Okay just cause he's tiny doesn't make him little! Tiny yet mighty!!

In runs the cutest little guy every, "Heh!" he jumps from behind the bushes and joins them. "Mr.Frodo is not goin' anywhere without me!"

Elmo looked amused, "No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."

"But when I do it it's wrong," I groan.

Two others emerge from behind the pillars to join them, "Wait! We are coming too!"

"I feel like Dorthy when all the munchkins started popping out and shit."

The first one speaks up, "You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!"

"Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest... thing," smiles the second.

"Well that rules you out Pip."

All Pip. So cute!

Elmo smiles, "Nine companions... So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"

"Great! Where are we going?," Lil Pip speaks.

"More importantly where's the ring," Gandy asks.

Then for no reason as all they all turned towards me.

"I just wanted to try it on," I whine.

After being yelled at and called a foolish girl Elrond yes Elrond decided he was tired of having me in his hair and that I would be going this Fellowship. Which is his nice way of saying I hope you die.