Chapter Twenty-Eight: Honest to a Fault

"Natalie, you're back! How was it? What did you find?"

My brother met me at the entrance to the keep, all enthusiasm to learn what we'd discovered by the ruins of the Sangheili temple. Instead of answering right away, though, I brushed past him as I tore off my helmet and gloves.

"I don't want to talk about it now," I said after a moment, busying myself with shoving my discarded gear in my pockets. What would fit, anyway. Then I glanced up. "Where's Sennu?"

Mark flipped a thumb behind him. "In the courtyard with the Elite kids, I think." He looked me up and down for the first time, probably noting the blood and dirt all over the front of my uniform, and his expression turned serious. "Jesus, Nat. What happened to you guys?"

I waved him off again. "Later."

I didn't have the heart to say how badly the recon had gone, and how we'd almost forfeited our lives over some mildly useful information. Right now, I just needed to let our Sangheili host know what was lurking in her backyard.

But my big brother stopped me, gently grabbing hold of my arm. "Hey. Did you find Laraza?"

"No," was all I responded before I roughly shook him off and walked away.

While I went over to the Elites' living space and gardens, I used the bud in my ear to contact Majors Murphy and Mullen, making sure nothing had gone awry at the keep while we'd been gone, like things had for us. Thankfully there was nothing to report from either battalion commander. I should've checked in with Willis then and made sure his pilots got back okay, but I didn't, instead ordering Murphy's batt to rotate out on perimeter watch and bringing Mullen's in to rest, and continued on my way.

The sight that met me at the courtyard was in stark contrast to what I'd encountered at the temple - Sangheili young were playing in the afternoon sun, some of the bigger ones sparring off to the side, seemingly without a care in the world. Meanwhile, I'd witnessed at least a dozen of my Marines killed in the span of twenty minutes out by the ruins. It made me ball up my fists at my sides, one hand curling tightly around the inside of my helmet. I had to stop and close my eyes for a minute, taking in a deep breath before going forward.

"Lieutenant Colonel Cooper," Sennu said as I approached. "You have returned." She clicked her mandibles. "And you have seen battle."

"I have," I replied. I shifted my stance, folding my arms across my chest, and felt weary all of a sudden. "Respectfully, ma'am, I don't think you realize the extent of the danger out at the temple. Human insurgents have grown in number and strength since we've arrived, their leader is now groundside, and the Promethean presence is formidable. I just lost fifteen men from a simple recon." I ran a quick hand over my put-up hair then, collecting my thoughts. "Whatever measures you think you've put up around here shielding your people from this, they're not safe. I can tell you that now."

The Elite female regarded me for a moment. "You are very direct for a human."

"I can't afford not to be."

"What do you propose, human?"

Gripping my helmet in both hands now as I held it against my stomach, I said, "We've got a good read on numbers now. I'd like to give my unit some time to regroup, and then go back out near the temple and go for the full assault." I shook my head as I glanced down at the dirt beneath my boots before meeting her gaze again. "The only thing that'll stop this from becoming truly overwhelming is shutting down that portal nearby, so no one else gets through. For that, we're going to need your help. There's too many of those rebel bastards surrounding the place."

She continued to regard me, not answering for a time. When she lifted her gaze to look out at the younglings playing in the field - when I was starting to think her delay might be because she'd refuse or brush off my concerns - she finally spoke again. "You and your brother have appeared trustworthy so far. I believe you when you say the situation has grown more serious than before."

"But?"

Sennu turned back to me. "You also strike me as impulsive, angry. The way you speak of your fellow humans...they are not just an enemy to you. They are like what our two species once were to each other - a deeper hatred, born of years of warfare and violence." She gave me a pointed look. "You have told me many of your men were killed in the fighting today. That may speak to the enemies' numbers, but it may also speak to your aggression, and lack of thought before action."

I opened my mouth to protest, but she shook her head.

"You seem not unlike Sangheili males. There is knowledge and intelligence, but also an overwhelming bloodlust. A need for vengeance and to defend your honor through battle. And that, I do not understand, coming from you."

I almost snorted. "The Swords are also engaged in a war with their own, aren't they? Is it so hard to believe humans are just as hostile toward one another as you?"

"Perhaps. But I believe what you feel towards the human rebels is...personal. And that may cloud your judgment."

My first thought was to deny Sennu's claims. To tell her that she was wrong, that I was clear and levelheaded, and that the dangers we faced on Sanghelios - and in this keep - were real. But I also wanted to be straight with her, as she had been with me. So I let out a sigh.

"I do hate the rebs. I won't deny that. And it's because of - it is of a personal nature." I had to swallow to go on. "Before this, I was commander of a mission on another planet, one of our human colonies, and...something happened there. Horrific, terrible. It's not something I ever want to experience again, but it taught me a lot of things. About myself, about the humans we face, about who we maybe really are as a species." I paused, then said in a low voice, "It changed everything for me."

Sennu listened attentively as I spoke, but didn't seem to have a response. Rather than reply directly, she looked out at the Sangheili young again. "I am beginning to find humans more complex than I once believed," she finally said. "The Swords share an ideological difference with our brothers. You share that as well, but have also truly felt what that means. You have born the brunt of what was once only a disagreement, and what is now a war. You have spilled your own people's blood, and they yours."

When I didn't answer, she went on.

"I will send a small scouting party of Sangheili to the temple tonight. If the situation is as you say, we will help you stop them."

There was a lot to get done after I finished speaking with Sennu. My brother still wanted an update, I needed to check in with Delaney and make sure the rest of the 213th was faring okay and getting some rest, I needed to look in on our wounded, and I needed to find Cal. I also wanted to see Willis.

But for the next few minutes, at least, what I needed most was a reprieve.

That's how I found myself in the middle of the courtyard by the fire pit again - unlit this time of day, but somehow the sight was still comforting. I knew I couldn't completely relax as there were Sangheili guards and Marines everywhere, but I could take a short breather. I set my helmet down on the ground but remained standing, then pulled my canteen from my web belt to take a long swig before pouring some of the water straight on my head. The cool liquid felt refreshing in the hot Sangheili sun. When it was done, I ran a wet hand over my now-damp hair and stared at the dirt.

I thought about what the kaidon had said. Memories of my internment, and Ethan, and my break-up with Willis - along with the looks on our four kids' faces when we'd come back from Puget and told them we were separating, shattering their world - all flashed through my mind. A lot had changed in only a few months. And I had to wonder, briefly, if Sennu wasn't right.

Had I jumped back into this too soon? Was I truly ready and prepared to fight the rebs here - and Laraza - in a judicious way? Or was I still too hurt, too angry, too overwhelmed at everything that had happened, to really see that clearly?

I'd managed to do my job back on Puget, even amidst the immense heartache I'd felt after Willis and I split. But that was before our return home. Before the trial, before my demotion - all of which had put salt in the wound.

I just wasn't sure at this point. Even though I knew I had to be, to lead my men and finally see this through.

Thankfully, another thought came to mind soon after: Willis and I had reconciled now, and made great strides in our relationship. I had someone to lean on again. I didn't have to figure this all out by myself anymore.

I realized then that I didn't just want to see him. I needed him.

The idea of having him around again made the uncertainty more bearable. Even if I made a mistake, even if I'd let my men down and made a poor tactical choice on the recon that had cost lives, I could turn it around. It didn't have to be a total failure if we used what we'd learned to defeat our enemies - or at least strike a decisive blow by destroying the portal.

So I wiped the water from my forehead, picked up my helmet, and headed for our quarters, hoping to find him there. If not, he'd only be a quick hail away.

I felt a flutter of nervousness as I walked up, mostly because I hadn't showered yet and was still in my dirty and bloodied battledress uniform. But I pushed that aside and tried to go in.

My first clue that something was wrong was that I couldn't open the door. My second was that when I finally knocked, my husband emerged.

Furious.

"Get out!" he shouted, even though I hadn't even taken a step forward yet. "Get out, stay out, and don't come here again. In fact, don't talk to me again. Just leave me the hell alone. We're through."

"What?" I almost staggered back, confused. "Willis, what's - "

"You lied!" he yelled again. "You lied to me, and because of that, we're done. For good this time."

"But - "

My husband held up a hand, stopping me. "I don't want to hear it. I want a divorce when we get back. I'm putting your stuff outside, and then you need to leave."