Author's Note: Chapter title comes from the song "Self Care" by Mac Miller.

This is a sort-of Part One, to be followed by Part Two shortly. Enjoy!

Chapter Thirty-Three: Self Care

0600 Hours, July 17, 2561. Outskirts of Vettel Keep, Qivro, Planet Sanghelios. Day Fifteen of the Enemy of My Enemy

"Natalie, get up."

I groaned at the far-away voice and rolled over, sliding easily back into sleep.

"Oh, no, you don't," I heard the voice say in the distance. "Up, now."

All of a sudden I found myself clinging to my cot as I was unceremoniously dumped on the floor. The impact woke me up in an instant, and had me rubbing my backside while I frowned.

Laughter filled the room.

"You are the worst brother known to humankind," I grumbled. "Ow."

"No, I'm not. You're just the world's worst senior officer when it comes to getting up on time." My brother bent down to offer me a hand. "Come on, I'll pull you up. Truce?"

I knew better now than to take him at his word. "Truce."

As soon as I stood I felt it again - coming to full consciousness put it at the forefront of my mind. Willis and I were broken up, for a second time. I felt the pain and heaviness of that fact right in my chest.

Mark noticed and his expression changed, to one of regret this time. He reached out and put a hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "Hey. I'm sorry about you and Will, okay?" Then he sighed and stepped back. "But...I've got to be honest, little sis. You're the one who cheated, so he has every right to feel...however he does about this. You just have to step back and give him time, and realize that maybe...maybe this is it for you two. Maybe this is something he can't overcome. And you're going to have to accept that."

I nodded as I felt tears form behind my eyes. I quickly brushed my T-shirt sleeve over them and swallowed the lump in my throat. "Yeah," I said in a scratchy voice. "I know, Mark. I know that. I just - " Finally I blew out a long breath. "It just hurts so damn much."

"And it's going to, Nat. No way around it. All you can do is try to move on, and focus on other things for now." He snorted lightly. "God knows there's plenty to do out here."

He was right. There was. But for this small moment, at least, I allowed myself to feel the full extent of my despair - in front of my brother - and threw my hands up, shaking my head. "How could I do that, Mark? How could I have done that to him? I kissed someone else. I got close to someone else. I don't...even recognize that part of myself. I never would have crossed that line in the past." Putting my head in my hands, I added quietly, "I hate that I did."

Mark reached out with his hand again. "I know that, Natalie. And I think Willis does, too." He gave me a sideways look. "You know, you tend to discount what you went through. A lot. And it wasn't nothing. Being held captive like you were, watching your friends die, getting tortured...you had no choice but to come out different than before." He took a deep breath. "So, accept the decisions you've made since then, realize they're your own, but don't discount the experience you went through and the role it played. No one comes out of something like that the same. Often, they don't come out alive."

"I'm lucky for that, at least," I replied softly. "Others, not so much. I know that."

I sat there a moment in silence then, thinking. My older brother's words didn't exactly put me at ease, but they did give me some perspective.

"Anyway. Ready to get this day started?" Mark finally asked.

Slowly, I nodded. "Yeah. Let's go."

I scarfed down an energy bar before leaving the room I shared with my brother. It was a little strange, living amongst the Elites rather than with my Marines – and my husband – but I'd more or less gotten used to it in the last week. I hadn't exactly had too much time to think, which was a blessing, but there were times I couldn't ignore it, either. Running smack into a tall Sangheili before I even had my first cup of coffee this morning was...odd, to say the least. I was dressed in only a T-shirt, shorts, and running shoes with a towel over my shoulder, on the way to the makeshift showers the engineers had set up for us. I felt more vulnerable than usual, standing out of armor and without a weapon, up against my former enemy. But we continued on our way without incident. That was life on Sanghelios now.

I could see the quarters Willis and I had occupied a handful of days ago from here. I usually never looked over there when I passed by. I wanted to, but I was too afraid to see him, too worried our eyes might meet. That, I wasn't sure I could handle right now. So I looked away again before he could appear in view.

Mark was right. I needed to focus. I needed to think about the op the Elites and I were going to spearhead tonight. We were finally going to take the fight to the rebs - and Laraza and the Prometheans. That's what I should've been concentrating on.

But for some reason today was different. I couldn't shake the feeling, even after I'd toweled off and dressed in my battledress uniform, that something wasn't right.

I frowned as I stood alone in the room. What was it?

It wasn't anything to do with my health. I'd recuperated well over the last week from my bought of sickness, brought on by the new atmosphere, and I'd been taking my meds as directed so far. So I'd been feeling fine, if a little tired and dizzy by the end of the day. Things had been quiet on the lines, and Mark and Cal hadn't reported any new movement with any of our enemies so far. So why was I –

And then it hit me.

It was the message. Something had been bothering me about the subversive letter Ethan had sent. I pulled my datapad out of a tactical pocket in my uniform pants and pulled it up.

I'd been wondering from the start why Ethan would send this now. I believed that he could still have feelings for me – but I was not at all sure what he'd hoped to gain by lying about a second kiss between us, now. To bring about the complete downfall of my marriage? Why? And if he'd accomplished exactly what he'd set out to do – split up Willis and I - how could he possibly have known my husband would read it?

None of it made sense. And I finally realized that that was my real problem with it.

In a sudden burst of energy, I quickly grabbed my helmet and gloves and slung my rifle behind my back, then headed for the officers' barracks.

I hoped to catch my best friend in his quarters, before he met with my brother this morning. Mark knew some of what was going on with Willis and I, and Ethan, but Cal had actually been there for it and defended me at the trial. And for now, I didn't want this getting out to more people than it needed to. I especially did not want it getting out to Willis. I couldn't bring this to him until I knew for sure, or it'd look like just a ploy on my part to get him back.

I knocked a couple times on the large, thick wooden door until Cal answered. He was dressed in a T-shirt, boots and his uniform pants. His short, dark hair was also a bit of a mess. Clearly he'd just been gearing up for the day.

"Colonel?" he said to me, a bit perplexed. "What's going on? Are you feeling okay?"

I nodded quickly. "I'm fine, Cal. Can I ask you for a favor?"

To his credit, my buddy didn't hesitate. "Anything, ma'am. You know that."

I handed him my datapad with the message still on the screen. "I need you to do some digging for me. Can you trace the source of this text?"

He read it over for a minute and frowned, glancing up to meet my gaze. "It's from Lieutenant Ackerson."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Is it? That's what I'd like you to find out for me."

"Do you have reason to think it's not?" he asked. "You're not still…you know, talking to him, are you? I thought you and Hawk – "

"No. I'm not." I put my hands on my hips and sighed. "But I'd like to think that after working together twice in the past few years – and after dating each other when we were kids – I know him pretty well. And my gut's telling me something about this is off."

There was a moment's pause, then Lloyd said, "Okay. I'll look into it."

"Thanks, Cal," I replied, and I felt some of the tension in my body lift. "You don't know what this means to me."

Caleb glanced down at his wedding ring for a second, then back up at me. "I think I do, ma'am. I'll let you know as soon as I find anything."

After speaking to Cal about my predicament and checking in with my XO, my next stop this morning was with Sennu again. We'd initially been set to begin the assault a few days earlier, but her military commander had asked for more time to prepare. It'd given my Marines and I a breather as well after the disastrous patrol. Besides what was currently going on in my personal life, the short reprieve had done me well, too. I'd gotten a chance to physically recover from my illness, and I felt that I was in a better headspace now, considering.

"Well?" I said as I approached, strapping on my gloves with my helmet under one arm and rifle behind my back. "Are your troops ready to depart, ma'am?"

"Yes," Sennu replied simply. "But first, before you leave the keep, I'd like to show you one last thing."

I followed her across the courtyard, wondering where we were going right before the big op. I thought it was to meet up with Torran for a last minute check-in, or maybe to get set up with some new weaponry. It wasn't any of those things.

She brought me into the chamber where we'd held our meeting the other night.

"Do you see the images on the walls?" she asked. "On either side of the old sword?"

"Yes," I answered. They were the abstract paintings I'd noticed earlier. Around those were also other markings etched into the stone. "I was wondering about them, but wasn't sure if I should ask."

"This," she began, "is our saga wall for the keep. It tells the history of our people."

I nodded before giving her a look. "I have to be honest, ma'am – I thought we were prepping for the op."

She held my gaze. "We are, Colonel."

Sennu didn't give me time to say anything else. Instead, she pointed to the first painting, and ran her four-fingered hand down the markings around it. "This painting tells the story of Makku, a great swordsman from our clan. He was fierce in battle, an unrelenting force unleashed upon our enemies, and a renowned leader in our land." Her voice lowered then. "But he was broken. The victories he'd earned had cost him much.

"When he returned to the keep, nothing could keep him still or content. He was restless, as many warriors are without battle. He wanted to return to the field, to spill blood again, at any cost. He no longer strategized. He no longer led his troops with a clear mind. The fighting, the war, had consumed him. His need for vengeance against his enemies consumed him. He remained a great warrior, but stopped being a great leader."

Sennu, who'd been focusing on the walls as she spoke, turned to face me now, again meeting my gaze. "Do you understand this, human? We celebrate Makku's accomplishments, but in the end, he became a fraction of what he was because he could not see beyond the battles he fought."

"He didn't live up to his true potential," I said quietly, and Sennu nodded.

"That is correct, Colonel."

I focused again on the wall, seeing it with new eyes. It was Makku's story, but I understood what Sennu was trying to tell me – it was also mine. I wasn't sure I'd quite reached the point of no return yet, as Makku had, but I guessed that I was likely close. The way I'd led my Marines on patrol a week ago was proof of that.

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. In our big op today, I needed to be sure I stepped back – mentally, if nothing else. I needed to ignore the raging fire within me, put there from my time in captivity, and keep a level head. I needed to put aside my sorrow and hurt for the way things were between me and Willis, and do my job.

I needed to continue to be the warrior in my heart, but also rise up to become the leader again.