Author's Notes:
I realise this is the first time I've added notes but I thought it would be good to give an update.
First, I just want to thank everyone who's been reading this. I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me to know that you guys have been enjoying it.
Also, I know I've been uploading less frequently recently, but bear with me. Things are busy for me at the moment but I am working on these… I promise.
A lot has been leading up to this chapter, so I wanted to get it right. I have a few ideas for where I want this to go now, but if any of you have some ideas then feel free to PM me as I'm open to suggestions at the moment. I might not end up writing exactly what you ask for, but your ideas could certainly influence where this ends up going.
Enjoy the chapter!
"I've gotta admit, this place is nice," commented Shaw, taking in the restaurant Root had taken her to. They were practically alone, as although there were other people around, all of the tables near them were reserved but unoccupied, giving them a private, quiet space to sit in. Beside the table was a wall of glass providing them with a view of the water below and the stars shining above in the clear sky of the evening. Shaw had never been one to take in the scenery, but this view… that was something even she could appreciate.
None of that compared to the view in front of her, though. Root looked… well she looked beautiful, and it was her gentle smile that drew Shaw's attention away from the scene outside. Part of her still couldn't believe that they'd both managed to survive this long, that somehow, despite all of the many close calls, they were finally together. But they were together, and Shaw wasn't going to waste another second of it by hiding her feelings anymore. She wasn't going to leave anything left unsaid, not this time.
"I'm glad you like it," said Root, glancing over for a second to admire the view before her gaze returned to Shaw.
"So did you pick this place out or did it come from the helpful friend in your ear?"
"I chose the restaurant," said Root, "but the added privacy was her touch."
Shaw glanced again at the empty tables surrounding them, realising now that they'd all been reserved for no one. It was a nice touch, though Shaw still found it strange that the Machine took so much interest in their personal lives. She supposed that was the relationship Root had always had with the Machine, but this concept was still rather new to her. The irony that the Machine cared for them more than most people did was not lost on Shaw, however. If anything, she found it funny that Finch had created a computer that seemed more human than most people did.
Shaw returned her attention to Root, who was now staring into the distance, appearing to be lost in thought. Root quite often zoned out like this, normally when something was worrying her. She'd actually stopped doing it for a while, but after their latest run-in with Samaritan it had become much more frequent again.
"As I was saying, it's really nice that we finally got the chance to do this," said Shaw, dragging Root back to reality.
"I just wish we could've done this sooner," said Root, her hand brushing over the swelling on her cheek that still hadn't completely gone down.
The horrifying image of how Root had looked after her torture was still fresh in Shaw's mind. Her face had been beaten to the point that it had been almost unrecognisable, and that was before the bruising had set in. Shaw doubted if by the end of it all there'd even been a single part of Root's face that hadn't been swollen, bruised or bloodied.
In that moment, Shaw had been so torn between wanting to make sure that Root was okay and her intense desire to punish the person responsible. She supposed it was only fair that, in the end, Root had the privilege of ending the man's life in the end, but she still wished she'd had the opportunity to take her time and give him the painful death he deserved. But then when that bomb had nearly gone off… them being alive had proven to be a good enough reward for her.
Then they'd gone home and Shaw had seen the rest of the damage, seen all the places the man had hit Root… all that rage had come flooding back. She'd had to keep reminding herself that Root had gone through worse before, that whilst it looked bad on the surface, it wasn't quite as bad as it seemed. But it had been bad, and although Root had played it off as nothing, she had clearly been in a lot of pain.
Shaw had forced Root to get at least some rest before they went anywhere, but in the end it was Root who'd delayed the trip. Shaw had actually been quite keen to finally tell Root how she felt, but Root had insisted that they waited until most of the swelling and bruising had gone down, saying that she 'didn't want to look bad' for their date. Of course, Shaw didn't care in the slightest how she would've looked or what anyone else would've thought, but Root could be very persuasive, and a serious pain to argue with.
Root shifted uncomfortably in her seat, wincing slightly as she did so. Shaw also noticed her discreetly slide a hand over her stomach, which Shaw knew had still been giving her pain.
Shaw jerked her head at the movement. "Still hurting?" She asked.
"Just aggravated an old wound," replied Root, though the smile she put on did nothing to hide the grimace as she spoke.
Shaw didn't need to ask which wound she was talking about. Even that permanent reminder of how close Root had come to death had been obscured by the black bruising that had covered most of her body after being held captive by Samaritan. Shaw met Root's gaze with a hint of concern.
"If it's bad, we can go back," she offered. "There's no point in staying here if you're in pain."
"No," said Root quickly, almost fearful at the thought of leaving. "Honestly, it's fine," she insisted, changing to a calmer tone to mask the sudden fear that had appeared.
Shaw wasn't fooled by Root's false assurances. It clearly wasn't fine, but Shaw didn't bother arguing with her. She'd given up on arguing with Root over stuff like this a long time ago. Besides, she supposed that Root's persistent desire to see the evening through was kind of sweet. Stupid, but sweet.
Shaw raised a skeptical eyebrow to let Root know that she didn't believe a word she said, but she left her response at that, choosing not to press Root any further on the subject. Root seemed grateful for that. She relaxed a bit, taking a sip from her glass.
Shaw did the same, though she took a much longer drink, and soon realised that she'd drained the glass entirely. She placed the now empty glass back on the table, the slightest, invisible tremor in her hand as she did so.
Shaw knew what she wanted to say, how important it was to get it right. But she'd never been any good at this kind of thing, so she had no idea how to say it. She didn't even know where to begin. That uncertainty, it made her… nervous.
Anxiety wasn't exactly an emotion Shaw was used to dealing with. She didn't know how to respond to it, which only made it worse and left her feeling irritated as well. She'd nearly died more times than she cared to count, and yet somehow it was this, a simple conversation, that made her truly nervous.
Shaw felt fingers brush against her own and she looked up to see Root lacing her fingers through hers, accompanied by that infuriatingly effective smile that always managed to disarm her. It worked, as she was sure Root knew it would, sweeping away most of the anxiety that Shaw had been feeling.
The way Root now looked at her, the way she always looked at her, made Shaw realise that it didn't matter what she said or how she said it, Root would love her the same regardless. But Shaw still wanted to get this right. So she took a deep, steadying breath, squeezing Root's hand as she prepared to say what she'd needed to say for some time now.
"For a long time," she began, holding Root's gaze as she spoke, "I thought I'd be alone for my entire life. It never bothered me, because I knew I could never feel anything for anyone. And when you came along I didn't even consider that anything would change. For some time-" she smiled. "For some time I really wanted to kill you. But you were so frustratingly persistent and I will be forever grateful for that. I've got to admit that all the flirting and teasing was genuinely annoying at first, but a part of me came to like it, and soon I felt all those walls I'd spent years building start to crumble away. The truth is, it scared me. It was that fear that prevented me for a long time from admitting to myself, let alone anyone else, that I had feelings for you."
Shaw hadn't known where she would go with this when she'd started speaking, but the more she spoke, the more she felt herself open up, and she found herself giving everything to Root. It felt strangely freeing to spill everything out to Root, to share her completely unfiltered thoughts. Some of what she now found herself saying she hadn't even admitted to herself yet, but she just felt so comfortable telling it all to Root.
"You were the first person I truly considered to be a friend," continued Shaw, "but even then I never realised how much more than that you would become. I never even considered that I would be capable of love… but I do love you, Root. By the time I realised that, I thought it was too late, and I just hoped that the kiss would have been enough to let you know how I felt. Then we found each other again, but I was so caught up in my own problems that I missed that opportunity too, and I thought I'd lost you forever. I'm just glad that after everything we've been through, I've finally been able to tell you how I feel, to thank you for helping me feel in the first place."
Tears had begun to fall down Root's face as Shaw finished speaking. She wiped them away and a small, gentle laugh escaped her lips as she replied. "You know, Sameen, I always believed that I didn't need to hear you say that, that knowing how you felt would be enough. But now…" she shook her head. "Now I realise just how wrong I was."
That was the most vulnerable Shaw had ever felt, but she was relieved by Root's reaction. She smiled to herself, wondering why she'd been worried in the first place. After all, it had been Root who'd pushed her for so long to embrace her feelings. Maybe she hadn't really been afraid that Root might see her differently, but rather she was afraid of how she might now see herself. But Shaw quite liked this new, more open side of herself. Of course Root was the only person she would ever allow to see it, but that didn't matter.
Root smiled back at her. Then she cocked her head to the side and asked, "Did you really know back at the stock exchange?"
"Yeah, I thought you knew," replied Shaw, surprised by the question. "Why else would I have done what I did?"
"I thought you were just saving the team."
"I guess I was, in a way. But the way I saw it, Reese was injured, Finch couldn't fight them off, and Fusco had a life outside of all of this. So it was me or you. And I realised in that moment that I couldn't bear to lose you."
"Well you certainly knew just how to distract me," said Root with a teasing smile.
"Oh I could've just pushed you out of the way," replied Shaw. "That kiss was more for me, a small taste of what I was giving up." She paused, then added, "But it was also to let you know that you were right. That I did have feelings for you, even if I realised it too late."
Root squeezed her hand again. "Luckily for both of us it wasn't too late." She was right. They'd both been through hell, but in reality they were lucky to have had more chances than Shaw would have ever dared to hope for.
In a strange way, Shaw was grateful for that day at the stock exchange. It may have led to the worst months of her life, but she often wondered how long it would have taken her to figure out what she felt for Root if she hadn't been forced to make that decision. Maybe if things had played out differently, she really would have realised it too late.
But there was no point dwelling on what could've been. Dragging her thoughts back to the present conversation, there was just one question left on Shaw's mind.
"So what about you? When did you realise you loved me?"
Root drew back, pondering over the question for a moment. Honestly, Shaw was a little surprised by this. It was the kind of thing she'd expect Root to have an instant answer for. But, then again, Root sure did love to complicate things.
"I knew I really liked you after that night we spent in the CIA safe house together," said Root with a playful expression. "I'm pretty sure I actually fell in love with you when you biked all the way to Samaritan's base just to keep me alive. That was the moment I knew."
Even Shaw couldn't help but smile looking back on that day. Going after Root just as everything was going to hell had been an impulsive and reckless decision. But she'd cared for Root, even if she hadn't been able to admit that to herself back then, and it was one of the few decisions she had no regrets about making. It was funny really, when she considered how oblivious, or at least in denial, she'd been of her feelings for so long.
Root's face softened as she continued. "I wanted to tell you exactly how I felt that night, you know. I thought about it and I very nearly did tell you. But I knew Samaritan was coming online, and I didn't want to tell you something that important right before we were forced to go into hiding."
"I'm glad you didn't," replied Shaw, to which Root raised a shocked eyebrow. "I knew you liked me, Root. But if you'd told me it was that serious back then, it probably would've scared me off."
"I guess it all worked out in the end, then," said Root, taking another drink from her glass.
"I guess it did," replied Shaw, filling her own glass up again so she could join her.
They spent the rest of the meal looking back at some of the more pleasant memories they had together, and occasionally sharing intimate details about their lives before they met that they hadn't mentioned before. It was the kind of event that Shaw had spent most of her life avoiding, but it was one of many things that she found she actually quite liked, as long as it was with Root.
Neither of them had wanted to return home after they'd finished eating at the restaurant. Root was still too injured for them to do anything interesting at home anyway. So they'd found one of the more respectable clubs of the area, where they were now sat at the bar, drinking and flirting their way through the night.
Root had begun to run her hand up Shaw's leg, brushing lightly against her thigh in a way that made her toes curl. Shaw felt Root tease her fingers higher, until they caught and the tension of the moment was lost to a light laughter.
"You know this would be a lot more romantic if you didn't have a gun strapped to your leg," said Root.
"Well I like to come prepared," replied Shaw. "Where else would I keep it?"
"I keep mine in my purse like a civilised person," said Root, patting the bag on the table beside her.
"Civilised?" Shaw snorted with laughter. "I once saw you curl up in a ball on the floor because you were too exhausted to walk to the bed."
"And yet I distinctly remember waking up in a bed," replied Root.
"Yeah, well I didn't want you to become a trip hazard."
"Mm-hmm." Root swirled her glass. "Whatever you say, sweetie." That earned Root a light thump on her arm. Her response was so overly dramatic that Shaw almost hit her again just for good measure, but she decided against it.
Root turned her attention to the people around them, and Shaw followed her gaze, wondering what that complicated mind of hers was coming up with now.
"We should dance," suggested Root, fixing Shaw with a stare.
Shaw shook her head. "First, I don't dance. And second, you're still injured."
"Then we can dance slow." Root huffed. "Come on, Sameen. This may be the only night we get together with a guarantee of no distractions. I want to make the most of it." Root pouted and offered her hand to Shaw. Shaw rolled her eyes, but reluctantly accepted. Root's eyes practically twinkled as she dragged Shaw onto the dancefloor.
The dancing wasn't as bad as Shaw had expected. The slow pace meant that they were basically just swaying along to the music, which allowed Shaw to just spend the entire time holding Root close to her. The pain did get to Root a few times though, and although she desperately tried to hide it, Shaw couldn't help but notice her wince every time it happened. She didn't say anything, instead silently offering Root a bit of extra support on each occasion, receiving a grateful smile in return.
Shaw caressed Root's cheek, her fingers lightly tracing over the swelling that remained.
"There's one thing I still don't get," she said. "Why did you put this off for so long?"
"I knew how important this night was," replied Root, brushing aside some stray hairs that had fallen across Shaw's face. "I just wanted everything to be perfect."
Shaw shook her head. "Root, all I needed to make this night perfect was for you to be here."
Shaw pulled Root down for a brief kiss, then she wrapped her arms around her and nestled her head against Root's neck and shoulder as they began to sway again. Root rested her own head against Shaw's, pulling her into an even tighter embrace as she did so.
They spent the rest of the night like that, locked in a tight embrace as they moved slowly from side to side. As Shaw held Root close, savouring the warmth and feel of Root's body pressed against hers, she hoped the night would never end.