Harry Potter was quite different from what Severus expected of the-Boy-Who-Lived. When he first stumbled into the old walls of Hogwart, Potter, despite the brand new robe, looked more like a lost kid that got accidentally swept along than a student belong to Hogwarts.
Then again, Severus wasn't really sure what to expect of Harry freaking Potter. Snarky words, maybe. Like his father. Or a pair of bright intelligent eyes. Like his mother. It totally wasn't this.
The looming disaster that attract tragedies and misfortune alike. Harry Potter was a perfect description of despair.
Broken. Twisted to its very core.
He was Harry Potter no longer.
Something like that couldn't be human, couldn't be the son of Lily and James Potter.
And nobody knew this more than Harry Potter himself.
He wished Dumbledore could see it that way too, instead of looking so hopeful it almost hurt. It would have spared the sanity of everyone's involved.
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Dumbledore was gentle, as soft-hearted as any human being possibly could. But Severus could see it in his eyes, the similiarity that he shared with his former student.
If Dumbledore wished for it, the world would burn under his feet.
Voldemort might be manipulative and cunning, but Dumbledore was still the one who controlled everything and make sure everything was as he wanted it to be.
Voldemort was a snake but Dumbledore was a spider, weaving his web of lies and illusions.
Severus was already trapped within it since a long time ago.
Thus, it wasn't that weird that when Dumbledore asked him to be Potter's counsellor, Severus found himself agreeing.
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Fluorescent potion wasn't originally made to supress the destructive power of Obscurus. Severus hadn't even really intended to make a potion for Obscurus in the first place.
It worked like a sweet poison.
And Potter was addicted to it, to the feeling of near-death and pumped adrenaline. It protected his mind and it was strong enough to nullify the despairing effect of Dementor but it destroyed his body in the process.
When it came to the parasite inside him, there was no safe method.
"I want more fluorescent potion," Potter said. He was sitting in the table, swinging his legs like a child.
Severus ignored him, the effective method to preserve his sanity when it came to Harry Potter.
"Professor."
Severus flinched.
"Please," Then like a kid being scolded, he said, "I am sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?"
For every second he spent for Harry Potter, Severus always felt like he was losing his mind. For every second he spent looking into those green eyes, he was always forced to relieve that night over and over again.
(There was no blood. Only a cold body and the wailing of a baby. As time passed, the scene only looked more vivid.)
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It wasn't until the sixth counselling session that Potter started to say anything other than the plea for more fluorescent potion.
"I want to to try drawing."
It was a very small development.
Severus found himself gently responding, "Just try it then."
Other than that, there was almost no progress.
But at least, when Potter drew something in their sessions, simple sketches or abstract doodles, he looked alive.
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Lily once said that she wanted to be a flower. Severus thought it fit her perfectly.
"A very beautiful flower," Lily had said, her green eyes sparkled like magic. And in that moment, she was very beautiful indeed, with her face glowing like the sun, her smile lit up the whole room.
Severus didn't know why he remembered this in one of their counselling session. But, he couldn't help but ask, "Potter, if you're given the chance to be reborn, to be reincarnated, or to be physically-and-mentally-morphed into something else, what is it that you want to be?"
Potter's hand stopped drawing. He lifted his head and Severus forced himself not to flinch. This kid, with his unchanging expression and unreal smile, looked more like a moving doll. His eyes were Lily's and his face was James' but those expression-
You wouldn't see those expression on human.
"Do you really want to know?" Potter said. It sounded like a threat, like a warning, but it was already too late anyway.
Severus crossed his legs. He already regretted asking, like how he regretted every miliseconds he had with Harry Potter. "Do you?"
Potter smiled at him, the same doll-like smile, and continued to write. He acted as if Severus never opened his mouth.
Severus couldn't say he didn't expect this.
(The guilt was suffocating but at this point, it had become a familiar part of his life.)
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"It was a regular day. But then a flower bloomed in the middle of the living room. It was a very beautiful flower. Red and stunning. Spider lily," Harry murmured. He was smiling serenely and still continued smiling as he said, "Uncle found out. He hit me," If Severus wasn't paying extra attention, he wouldn't have noticed the small quiver of Harry's hand. "Once. Twice. Three times. Four times-"
He kept counting. Like this, Harry really did look like a doll, with his dulled eyes and uncanny smile.
Severus took a deep breath.
He didn't understand why Dumbledore kept insisting on repairing this broken thing.
"Snape," Harry suddenly called out. Severus blinked. "Your hands are shaking."
When Severus looked down, his hands were indeed shaking.
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"Do you know that they even locked him up in his own room?" Weasley said, his fingers playing with the quill, spinning it around then tapping it againts the table in a quick beat. It was a sign of anxiety. Weasley's voice was calm, though, almost eerily so.
"Mr. Weasley," Severus said, his own voice was just as calm. "You're here for detention, not for some convsersation."
"No, you know that I purposely made a mess in the classroom just to have some conversation with you, but you're dragging me here anyway," Weasley closed his eyes. At the moment, with dark circles under his eyes and visible frown in his forehead, he looked so much older than thirteen.
Severus couldn't hold back a heavy sigh. "Mr. Wealey-"
"Modify the potion."
"What?"
Weasley stopped playing with the quill. "Your fluorescent potion has a nasty side effect. Surely a great man like you can get rid of that?"
"I am flattered, really, Weasley, but you are overstimating me. I am not a miracle worker."
The tappings started again. "But the potion itself is a miracle, isn't it? Hermione has looked it up. There's no such a thing as fluorescent potion in any books."
And because it was Granger, she must have already checked every books in the gallery. Severus wouldn't be surprised if she had checked through the forbidden dark books too.
But, of course, the potion wasn't mentioned anywhere. Severus made it himself as a countermeasure in case the thing went berserk (and he was sure it would, in the near future) and he didn't really expect it to work.
"Make it happen, Snape," Weasley's tone was still calm but for some reason it managed to sound threatening.
Severus stayed quiet.
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Harry had no backstory to speak of. When he was in a good mood, he talked about the present, about Weasley and Granger, who perhaps had been the only things that held him together.
When he wasn't, he spoke of how he got beaten up.
The worst days were when Harry was quiet. Not talking. Not moving. Just staring into space and occasionally blinking.
Everytime, Harry always smiled.
He smiled when he talked about the birthday presents he got from Ron and Hermione. He had the same exact smile when he talked about how Aunt Marge kicked him many times over and left him outside.
He smiled when he just sort of forgot how to live. How to be human.
Everytime, Severus always felt like slowly losing his sanity.
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Granger always looked like she wanted to cry. She really did cry a lot.
One night, she just strolled into Severus' office and broke down crying.
"Please, Professor," she sobbed, down in her knees.
Severus told her the same thing he said to Weasley. He wasn't a miracle worker.
(If he really was, Harry Potter wouldn't have ended up like that in the first place. No child deserve the crumbling fate of Obscurus even though said child turned out to be the exact copy of his jerkass father.)
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"My mother," Harry's eyes were devoid of life but for once he didn't smile. "I wonder what she's like. Everyone said she was a good-nothing freak."
When he didn't smile, Harry just looked like a normal boy.
Severus knew he should be creeped out. The fact that he didn't was probably a proof that he really had lost his mind. "She's the most wonderful person I've ever met, Harry."
It was the first time Severus had the courage to call him by his first name.
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"I want to properly introduce Sirius to Harry."
Severus choked in his drink.
"Don't look at me like that, Severus. I've seen the way you look at Harry. I know you care."
"But Black-"
"He's innocent. Believe me."
Severus believed him. He didn't know why. But Lupin smiled like he knew so he supposed it didn't matter.
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"Does Hermione ask you to do this? Or is it Ron?" Harry asked as Severus handed him the modified fluorescent potion. It wasn't perfect but it supposed to work better.
Severus ignored the question.
"Professor."
His eyes twiched. Harry never called him professor before.
But why, indeed.
It was Weasley who taunted him with his eyes, his smile scretched sharply at him. it was Granger who stormed into his office in the middle of the night and begged to him because Harry is hurting himself and I can't bear to watch it anymore.
But, ultimately, it was because of Potter, with his green eyes and pale skin resembling his dead mother, torturing him in his dream and taunting him even when he was awake.
Severus hated every milisecond he spent with Harry Potter.
Something in Potter's eyes softened. "Professor, you asked me before what I want to be."
"Did I?"
Regret. There was so much regret.
"Spider Lily," Harry smiled. He truly smiled. Just a plain-looking boy. "It's red and stunning."
("Sometimes I wish I wasn't born as human," Lily said, smiling. "Severus, I wish I was a flower.")
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Severus, careful like carrying a newborn baby, held Harry's hand.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Now that Sirius had gone and left behind a legendary broom as a present, Harry had calmed his mind and now in confused state.
"No," Harry said. He didn't smile. "I want to draw."
Harry under the flurorescent potion was different from the usual Harry Potter. He couldn't hide his emotion and openly looked more vulnerable. But Severus was still the same Severus, whether he had lost his mind or not, thus he responded, as gentle as possible, "Just draw then, Harry."
(It was fine like this, Severus thought. If it was for the sake of this forsaken child, he didn't mind drowning. He had gotten used to the suffocating guilt anyway.)
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