Jean felt himself deflate. Eren looked so optimistic at the club, so enamored by this leprechaun as if Levi shat rainbows on a daily basis. Eren deserved to be happy.
"Look, sometimes you run into someone. And you don't know it at the time but they're going to change your life. Something shifts. Sometimes it goes to shit. But when it doesn't, and it fucking works out, that's the endgame. That's the part that reminds us we're alive because we love someone. I met my soulmate at that club. We took a chance on each other. There's a risk for both parties. Just ask yourself this; is Eren worth taking a risk for?"
"I don't even know Eren," Levi whispered, bring his hands back into a pyramid form in front of his face as he leaned his elbows on the desk.
"That doesn't answer my question. I get that you guys only spent a brief part of that night together, so my question may seem like a loaded one. But, is Eren worth getting to know?"
Levi mused over Jean's words.
He replayed them in his mind as he rode the train home that night. Closing the door of his apartment, he stood in the entrance allowing the darkness to swallow him whole, embracing him like an old friend. This is what he could count on, even miss sometimes. Being alone meant that he was in control, no surprises, no need for the weight of emotional responsibility over another individual.
Separate. No one could hurt you if you detached yourself from everything and everyone. This is why he never got a cat. You love them and then they die.
"Nine lives my ass" he muttered moving deeper into the penthouse removing his coat. He barely finished closing his coat closet when his doorbell rang. Grunting an annoyance, he moved back to the front door. He was in a shitty mood and did not feel like entertaining some misfit that happened to be at his door. Glancing quickly at his watch, he couldn't help but wonder who would be visiting him at 9:30 pm?
Grabbing the knob, he forced himself to remain calm as he pulled the door open.
"Gunther?" Levi asked, brows rising slightly.
Smiling boldly, Gunther held up a six-pack and in one hand and a plastic bag in another. "Grown up milk and cookies?"
Moving aside, Gunther entered the apartment and nodded his approval. Walking over to the window, he exhaled a deep breath. Levi knew the view well; it was a beautiful view of the rising skyline greeting the night with appreciation. Aircraft warning lights blinked into the stars as if they were one. "Nice view. Really, it's quite beautiful."
Levi hummed and moved into the living room as Gunther sat on the couch and began to pull out two beer bottles. Offering one to Levi, he began to drink from his own.
Levi took the offering and sat on the lounge chair opposite the man. Eyeing Gunther suspiciously, he sniffed the drink.
"Sorry, I didn't know your poison, but I figured you could try a favorite of mine." Gunther shrugged as his face radiated amusement.
Levi raised his eyebrows in response and took a sip. Pursing his lips quickly he stared back at the man who started to open a bag of potato chips. In his living room! At the mere thought of crumbs gathering in that area, Levi narrowed his eyes.
"So, Levi. You may wonder why I'm here. First off, I'm not a stalker, but I did have to get your address from HR. Turns out no one really knows where you live, not even Erwin. Ok, so you like your privacy" Gunther shrugged drinking heavily. Finishing off the bottle, he smacked his lips in approval and reached for a second. "Whatever, right? Me too. Sometimes I like to watch rom-coms and take a bubble bath with lavender scented soap. That was private, right?"
Levi blinked unsure of what to say, and suspicion. Why would Gunther share that tidbit with anyone? Levi's face scrunched up in horror at the sudden realization. Is Gunther…is this bonding?!
Mistaking Levi's expression for judgement at his confession, Gunther laughed loud and heartily. "What? I like to relax! This world is incredibly suffocating. It's hard enough as it is, and sometimes it's just good to unwind. That's what that night at the club was for, at least for me. A good time with a couple of guys from work. Maybe I can even say friends from work."
He flashed Levi a genuine smile and handed him another beer.
"Levi, I'm going to tell you something. You're a good guy, and I know I can trust you. Did you know I swing both ways? I'm actually pansexual. Plus," he said shrugging as if it wasn't a big deal, "I really like sex."
Levi chocked on his second bottle and stared at Gunther. He decided right then and there that he didn't care much for bonding.
"I'm not ashamed. I'd admit it if anyone asked, but work is work and people get a little weirded out so eh. I've told a couple of people. I just felt compiled to tell you too."
"What, now that you've confessed, I'm supposed to confess in return and then we have a crying bitch-fest with one another?" Levi spat, disgusted with the turn of events. He desperately wanted to crawl into bed and forget the events of the day.
His head throbbed terribly at the amount of emotions that he was aggressively thrusted with at every turn. Why did everyone feel the need to give him a pep talk today? Erwin, Jean, and now Gunther. He didn't even mind Gunther, he just felt the weight of the world's expectations on his heart and wanted to murder every living creature in sight.
Feeling guilty at his misguided outburst, he fixed Gunther with an apologetic look.
"Look, I'm not good with sentimentalities and the whole lot of it all. I don't even care who you fuck, that's your own fucking business. Literally. I'm irritated with the day and I don't think I'm the best company right now."
Gunther nodded in understanding, not at all perturbed at the confession or at Levi's reaction. But Gunther knew this was a turning point in his relationship with Levi, and he could clearly see his friend was hurting. Ignoring the raven's statement, he continued onward like a noble knight riding into battle.
"I got whiskey too. I'm responsible. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Oh, wait, no that's not right. Umm…" Gunther looked thoughtful as he scratched at his head. "Beer before liquor, you're in the clear. Yea, yea some shit like that. Anyway, we're good!"
Gunther stood and headed over to Levi's kitchen and returned with two glasses. Scrounging in his plastic bag, Gunther produced a dark bottle of whiskey and a coke. "Cuts the bitterness. Figured you'd need to be eased into it."
Suddenly Levi felt that they weren't talking about the drinks. Something remained unsaid and it was making him uneasy.
"Eased into what?" Levi asked curiously, as he reached for the glass, the dark liquid sizzling faintly.
"I ran into Jean-boy today. He was climbing into the elevator as I exited it and we had a quick chat."
Levi stilled and swallowed thickly, feeling the glass tremble faintly in his grip. If Gunther noticed, he didn't let on.
"Want to talk about it?" Gunther asked bringing the glass to his lips.
Levi was feeling the mental shackles around his heart tighten ever so slightly. Maybe he could confide in someone about…something.
"Oi, oi, oi, oi. If we're going to talk, then I'm going to need some more of this" Levi explained raising the glass and polished off the drink. He enjoyed the way it burned his throat and silently hoped it would sting his soul.
Gunther grinned. Pulling the bag back to his side, he produced another bottle. "We got time!"
Several hours later, four empty bottles were discarded amongst the coffee table and a discarded bag of chips peeked between the couch cushions.
"And then he comes back with this fucking purple dildo!" Gunther laughed uncontrollably as he recalled the memory. Trying to calm his enjoyment, he fought out the next words between his heavy breathing. "I thought, holy shit this kid is going to kill me and my obituary will read, 'Death by erotica' " Gunther cried moving his hands wildly above him from the ground to underline the last word. "And you know what I thought? I legit thought, hey that's not a bad way to go!"
Levi laughed so hard he felt a sharp pain in his side, forcing him to lean forward in his seat as he hugged himself. His cheeks burned from the pull of his smile and he felt tears peppering his eyes.
"Levi whatever happens…" Gunther flopped over onto his belly like a beached whale, fixing Levi with a serious expression. "Don't let them take me away with a butt plug shoved up my ass like it's a damn hamster looking for treasure! Remove the damn thing before the paramedics arrive, I beg of you!"
Levi snorted, quickly trying to cover his mouth in surprise and Gunther burst into a new fit of hysteria, rolling around on the ground.
"Ahh, man" Gunther rubbed away the tears in his eyes. "That was a great fucking night. And not because I got fucked!"
Opening a new liquor bottle, Levi poured the contents into his glass. Gunther reached toward the bottle and Levi passed it over before he leaned back into his chair. Searching for his glass and coming up empty, Gunther reached for an empty beer bottle and drizzled the alcohol into it.
Levi tsked as Gunther beamed at his knew found brilliancy as he settled back into the couch.
"I didn't get to fuck that night. I just got mind fucked" Levi mused aloud, more to himself than to Gunther.
Gunther hummed loudly and nodded. "Yup, I've been there too."
"I'm starting to realize I'm more fucked up in the head than I thought."
Gunther snorted and adjusted a pillow on the armrest as he stretched out onto the couch letting his joints pop. "Yea, you and ever one else, dude. You're just better at hiding it. Doesn't make you Superman, but it doesn't make you any less of a douche either. You're fucking human for shits sake. It's ok to feel things… like happiness."
Levi raised a brow as Gunther shot a pointed glance in his direction. Fixing his gaze back to the wall in front of him, he scrunched himself further into the couch making himself comfortable. Closing his eyes, Gunther let out a small content sigh.
"Let me guess, someone ripped out your heart. Right? And then knowing you - you probably freaked at the club because you felt overwhelmed and out of your comfort zone? And not because the club may not have been sterilized to your standards. But maybe someone got to you, like really got to you, in that room?"
Rather than seeing him, Gunther felt Levi nodding. As he opened his eyes, he tested the atmosphere in the room, gaining confidence.
"You know at a certain age, you realize things don't matter as much as they used to. I'm not saying what happened to you wasn't heartbreaking or devastating. Obviously, whatever happened traumatized the shit out of you. But that's not an excuse to punish yourself for the rest of your life. Second guessing yourself, telling yourself you're a bad judge of character or you deserved the mental or physical abuse, or something as equally self-loathing. Don't be afraid to feel, afraid of letting your guard down. And maybe the next person has their own demons too. No one's perfect. But they're trying their best to meet you half way, the least you can do is try too. Healing isn't pretty, but the other side is fucking beautiful."
Levi felt a single tear grace his check and he flicked it away with his finger.
"To, fucking beautiful" Levi repeated, raising his glass in the air.
Gunther raised his bottle sideways and silently air clinked his against Levi's. "To healing."