Ch. 19

The morning was a weekend so neither of them had to wake up by a certain time. Draco had slept on the couch and Hermione had slept in the bedroom with her candle lit. In the morning she was up before Draco but heard him moaning as he started to wake up.

"That was quite the night you had last night Draco," she said as he was starting to sit up on the couch.

He held his head for a minute. "I feel terrible," he croaked.

She had started some pepper up potion in the kitchen while she waited for him to wake up. "I've got something that may help," she said as she got up and brought him over a cup.

He sipped it and slowly he started to move more and with less groaning.

"I've never done that before," he looked over at Hermione.

"Done what exactly?" She had so many questions for him but wasn't sure if she should bring up any of the things that he had said. She had to talk to him about a couple things though.

"Drank that much," he looked over at her to see if she might be upset with him. "What's that look for?"

Hermione had a look on her face like she wanted to say something and also like irritation.

"We can talk about it later," she dismissed his question.

He reached up by her shoulder and lightly brushed her hair back with his hand. Then he trailed the back of his hand down her arm until he reached her fingers and intertwined his with hers.

"I don't know how I was last night, but I'm sorry if I said anything that upset you," he began.

"You did say some things that upset me, but I'm not upset with you." She noticed how that sounded and thought she should have used better words for that sentence. "You did mention that your father is no longer willing to speak to you because of our relationship. Is that true?" She asked.

He took a second as the letter came rushing back into his mind "Yes, and if I don't mind I don't see why you do…"

"Of course I do Draco! I Don't want to be responsible for ripping your family apart! How can you think I wouldn't mind?"

"What did you think was going to happen? You know who he is Hermione," he let go of her hand.

"Maybe that he would be upset and eventually get over it. I don't want to cause a rift in your family and cause one of your parents to be estranged from you!"

"How are you the cause Hermione? He's the one who made the choice," he shouted.

She was quiet for a moment, thinking about what he said. She was also thinking about his mother's letter, was he with her because he felt so guilty about the past, was it his way to make up for things that had happened? She couldn't believe that, his feelings seemed so real.

"Do you think there was some truth to your mom's letter?" She asked calmly.

"What about her letter?"

"The part where she asked if being with me was your way to make up for the past," Hermione whispered.

He stood up and started pacing the room again, what his father said still swimming in his head and his mother's words and now Hermione's doubt. "Is it that hard to believe that I would actually have feelings for you, do you think this…all of this…has been a lie? Do I have guilt for the past, for the people murdered and tortured in front of me, by me? Yes! But how does being with you make up for that? What does it change?" He was shouting again.

Hermione was remembering the people that had gone missing that had died at the hands of the death eaters. She remembered living in fear, listening to the radio wondering if people she loved had gone missing. Tears started to well up in her eyes and spill over.

He hadn't meant to make her cry and as his anger ebbed away he came and sat next to Hermione while she tried to cover her face as she cried. He put his arm around her and pulled her hair away from her face. "I'm not with you for any other reason than I want to be. You make me feel like I can move forward from my past. I love you Hermione."

She put her arms around him and he pulled her on top of him and laid back on the couch. He wrapped both arms around her and started rubbing her back to comfort her.

"I love you too Draco," She said.

"I know you do, and I wouldn't ask you if you felt that way to make up for anything." He whispered to her.

"I'm sorry, I know how you feel about me is real. It's just after I read that it made me think, the thought had never crossed my mind."

"When we started here this year was I even friendly to you?"

"Not really," she started laughing lightly.

"So, if I thought my behavior could make up for anything, do you think I would have acted differently?"

"Probably," she said, thinking he probably would have, but it was hard to think that the Draco from then and the Draco now were even the same person.

"I don't think it's possible to change the past, what I've done to people. There is no way to make up for it. Look at the sacrifices you made Hermione, you had to make your own parents forget you, to protect them from me and my parents, and from the other death eaters." She shuddered as she picked herself up slightly to look in his eyes.

"But you're not one of them Draco, you didn't enjoy it, don't lump yourself in with them." She still had tears in her eyes.

"Is that what you tell yourself?" He said sarcastically as he sat up. He hadn't heard Hermione mention her thoughts on his past. "I may not have enjoyed it, but I was one of them, make no mistake," he pulled back the sleeve he wore that covered up his dark mark, exposing it.

"…Draco…" his name caught in her throat. She felt fear as seeing the mark.

"What is your reaction going to be when we're out in public together and people point at me, talk about the things I did to their family? I will be paying for a lifetime, and I'm okay with that, it's what I deserve," he still hadn't covered his mark up. "What are you going to do when people glare at you for being with me, or if we have kids and they have to endure ridicule because of me or my past?"

"Who in your position could have made a different choice Draco?" She choked out.

"Who?" He asked as a dark smile appeared on his face. "Someone decent," he reached out for her face and brought her back into his chest. "You Hermione, you would have made a different choice. I let fear control me and joined to keep my parents alive, you made them forget you."

She didn't know what to say to him.

"And now, you feel sorry for the people that would no sooner look at your parents than kill them," his voice was a growl "just for being muggles. You are amazing Hermione, and you've already sacrificed enough. Let me be the one to make a sacrifice for once, please." He pulled her back to look into her eyes. He searched them for a moment and as a tear rolled down her cheek. He brought his hand up to wipe away her tear.

"I know enough of the past, Draco. We, none of us, should have to sacrifice anymore."

"I'm afraid that's just not true," he replied.

She remembered the comment he made the night before, about not deserving her. Maybe this was what he was talking about. "What do you mean by that?"

"If you see a future with me then it means that you'll have a lot of sacrifice. Someone who's already given up so much…"

She was starting to get a little irritated "What do you mean if? I told you just yesterday that I was thinking about our future."

"My family name carries a stigma now, one that will affect any future family I have. You, being who you are, should always be respected wherever you go. I can understand if you won't want that stigma for yourself, with me." His face was pained as he admitted his feelings to her.

"No, I disagree with you," she began in a haughty tone. "I think you're the one carrying a stigma. If you can't have pride in your family name because what was once a sign of pure blood greatness is a terrible reminder of how wrong that view was, then you should have pride now in the man that you've become. When I look at you, I don't see a past death eater or a victim of circumstance; I see a man who was terrified of the people he was forced to keep captive in his basement, I see a man who made a brave choice to fight alongside me when we were at our bleakest moment of a war and all was lost, I see a man who after the war has decided to devote his life to a calling where he will give to others, a man with courage to stand up for what is right." Her chest was heaving as she finished.

For the first time that morning he wasn't sure how to respond to her. He couldn't believe she saw him that way.

"Well," she asked, pushing for a response.

"…I had no idea you thought about me like that…"

"Why, because you're too wrapped up in the past to see reality?" She was starting to get huffy and he wasn't sure what he had said to make her so upset.

"Why do you seem mad at me?" he asked.

"Because I have high standards Draco, and you act as if I lowered them in being with you! You know me well enough to know that's something I wouldn't do."

"No, you wouldn't," he admitted.

"Then no more of this 'I don't deserve you' talk," she added, a little less huffy.

"When did I say that?" he asked, surprised.

"Last night, when you got back from Hagrid's."

"Did I say anything else last night?" he was curious what else had slipped.

"Plenty actually." She half smiled at him as she debated telling him about the other details. "You wanted to talk about getting married and our house and kids."

His eyes were wide, wondering what her initial response had been. He did think about those things often, he knew he wanted a life with Hermione outside of school. "Did I really?"

She kept smiling as she leaned in to him and rested her head on his shoulder. His sleeve to cover the dark mark fell to the floor. She adjusted herself and grabbed the sleeve and handed it back to him.

"Thanks," he said as he covered it up again. He hated to look at it. She resumed her position on his shoulder.

"Yes, sounds like you've thought things out."

"I wish I could have seen your reaction," he mentioned as he moved her hair and played with it. "You wanted to talk about our future, I guess you know what I'm picturing now. Does it bother you?" he hoped she wasn't put off.

"Bother me? No." she sighed. "I feel happy knowing that you are that serious about me, I'm not ready for kids though." She laughed again and looked up at him.

"No? Too soon for that?" He laughed too. "I do want you to be my wife someday Hermione," he whispered to her as her face began to redden.

She picked herself up slightly and kissed him, not stopping for several minutes.