Year 6: The Broken Pieces of my Heart

Chapter 54: December 2016

The next morning, Victoire had sat down and drafted a letter to Teddy. After spending one miserable night imagining her future without Teddy, Victoire knew that that simply wasn't an option. Long distance might be hard, but she was determined to persevere despite the hardships and the separation, because having Teddy – even like this – was better than not having him.

After sending the letter, Victoire felt immediately better. In it, she'd explained how she'd been feeling the previous day, and how she knew things were going to have to be different now that they were living apart, and how she wanted to find a way to make things work despite everything. She knew that Teddy loved her, and that she loved him, and really, wasn't that what mattered most?

But then days went by, and days turned into weeks, and Victoire never received a reply. Her friends assured her that there had to be a mix up with the owls and that a letter was on its way, but Victoire knew better. Owls were impeccable at delivering mail. They always found the intended recipient and they always did it in a timely fashion. If Victoire hadn't received a letter, it was because Teddy hadn't written one.

When the December Hogsmeade weekend came around, Victoire sent Teddy another owl, telling him when it was and hoping that he would come and meet her there. It was obvious that Teddy was upset, but the only way they were going to get through things was to talk. But when the Hogsmeade weekend came around, Victoire had received no reply, and when she arrived in Hogsmeade, her Uncle George sadly informed her that Teddy was working all day on a new project.

Victoire just felt lost.

She desperately wanted to work things out with Teddy, but her efforts couldn't be one-sided. A relationship needed two willing participants, or it would be doomed to failure. Victoire couldn't push things with Teddy, or she risked pushing him away. She had to be patient, give him space, and wait for him to be ready to talk. She just hoped her patience would last.

VvVvVvVvVvV

Before Victoire knew it, the Christmas holidays had descended once again. The term came to an abrupt halt and in a whirl of activity, she found herself packing her things, taking the day-long train ride back to King's Cross, and heading home to Shell Cottage.

When she'd stepped off the train, a small part of her had hoped Teddy would be there to welcome her home. When he wasn't, Victoire had to swallow her disappointment and pretend to be happy to be seeing her parents again.

Before Victoire knew it, it was Christmas Eve, which for the Weasleys could only mean one thing: family dinner at the Burrow. For Victoire it meant something else: her first time seeing Teddy since the disastrous Hogsmeade weekend. She contemplated dragging him into a room and forcing him to talk to her, but decided against it. She would give him his space, and if he wanted to talk to her, he would.

Victoire's family was the first to arrive, which Victoire was eternally grateful for. It would give her some time to compose herself before Teddy's arrival. She politely greeted her grandparents and answered their questions about sixth year, telling them that yes, her first N.E.W.T. year was hard, but that she was doing well despite the challenges. When the grandparents turned their questions on Domi, Victoire escaped the living room, wandering into the kitchen, where she breathed in the smell of dinner already cooking, and then absentmindedly started putting away some of the dishes that were drying in the drying rack by the sink.

Exclamations from the living room told Victoire that more of her family had arrived. Leaving the dishes behind, Victoire walked back down the hall and peeked into the living room to find that it was only her Uncle George and Aunt Angelina who had arrived.

Deciding that the wait was killing her, Victoire headed outside, where she wouldn't hear every time someone new arrived. She made her way to the bench on the porch that overlooked the yard and curled up on it, remembering the last time she'd sat here, one year ago with Teddy.

Sadly, Victoire thought about how easy things had been last year, when her biggest concern was getting Teddy to sleep with her. Now things were ever so much more complicated, and not so easily remedied.

The sound of the front door opening startled Victoire and she turned to find her sister walking towards her.

"What is it, Dominique?" Victoire asked, her tone a little short. Dominique certainly wasn't who she'd hoped would be coming to see her here.

"We just wanted to know if you were planning on playing hide-and-seek this year," Dominique said. "James, Albus, and Lily have just arrived, so we're just waiting on Molly and Lucy now."

Victoire felt a lump grow in her throat as she thought about the childhood game that she and her cousins always played. It had been two years now since she'd participated, and that had been the game where she and Teddy had finally confessed their feelings for one another. The thought of playing again without him was too much for Victoire to bear, and she shook her head.

"Don't you think I'm getting a little old for such games?" Victoire said, the words coming out a little meaner than she meant them to.

"I was just asking," Dominique said defensively, backing up. "I guess that means Teddy's not playing either, or should I ask him myself?"

"He's here?" Victoire asked in surprise.

Dominique frowned. "Sure, he arrived ten minutes ago. I figured you knew – or is there something going on?"

"No, everything's fine," Victoire insisted, not in the mood to tell Dominique all about her problems. "We're just… uh… keeping a low profile, you know?"

"Sure," Dominique said, sounding unconvinced. "I'll tell him you're out here?"

"If you want to," Victoire said, not particularly caring. It wouldn't make a difference anyway. If Teddy had wanted to find her, he would have already. The Burrow wasn't that big after all, despite the number of people that had at one time all lived under its roof.

Dominique left then, and Victoire forced herself not to cry. Just because Teddy didn't want to talk to her right now didn't mean he never would. He just needed time. Victoire just had to give him space.

Just as Victoire was thinking these things, the front door opened again, and this time, it was Teddy who walked outside. He turned to face Victoire and she felt her heart soar. Though she'd known she was miserable without him, she hadn't realized how much she needed to see him until she did.

"Teddy," she breathed, barely believing that he was there. "You're here."

She stood and walked towards him, wanting to hug him, to feel him. She wanted him to tell her that even though things were strained right now, they would get through this. But Teddy's face remained a mask and that gave Victoire pause.

"We should talk," Teddy said, gesturing with his head to the expansive grounds that lay before them. "Come for a walk with me?"

Victoire nodded, letting Teddy lead the way across the yard and over the hill until they were out of sight of the house. She desperately wanted to take his hand in hers, but she fought against that urge, afraid to do anything wrong.

When they came to the same stream they'd sat by last year, Teddy stopped, gesturing that Victoire should sit down on one of the rocks while he did the same across from her. Victoire waited for him to speak first, since he had been the one to say they needed to talk, but after a long silence, she couldn't take it any more.

"I'm sorry about how I acted that day in Hogsmeade," she said. She'd apologized already in her letters, but she needed to say it in person too. "The separation has been really difficult on me, and I've just been very emotional and I think I thought that if we had this perfect day together, then it would erase everything else. So when it didn't go exactly according to plan, I think I panicked a little."

Teddy nodded, still remaining silent.

"I just felt like we were drifting apart," Victoire went on, hoping that if she was open and honest, then maybe she could convince Teddy to open up to her and share his own fears. It was the only way this could work – if they were moth honest with each other. "I know it's silly, but when we were both at Hogwarts, I always knew everything that was going on in your life. I saw you every day. We ate our meals together, we studied together, we were prefects together. But now our lives are so different. You have your work, and I have school, and we don't know everything that's going on in each other's lives, and I have to find a way to be okay with that."

"Victoire – " Teddy started to speak, but Victoire interrupted him, not yet finished with her own confession.

"And honestly, I was feeling a little insecure. All right, a lot insecure. Your job takes up so much of your time, and I guess when we talked about how you'd visit Hogwarts on occasion, I somehow saw that as you coming to visit every week, which I now realize was completely unrealistic. But I was afraid that I was losing importance in your life, and I thought that if I could somehow make you remember how much you love me, you might visit more."

Sighing, Teddy closed his eyes, looking like hearing Victoire's words pained him somehow. Worried, Victoire reached out a hand and clasped his in her own.

"But don't worry," she assured him. "I know now that our relationship has to change, just like we're both changing. I can't expect us to be the same as we always were. I know I can do this. We can do this."

Pulling his hand from her grasp, Teddy shook his head and stood up. "No," he said, his jaw clenched.

"No?" Victoire repeated, confused. No to what? No to one thing, or no to everything?

"No," Teddy confirmed. "This – what we're doing – it's not working and it's never going to."

Victoire felt like she'd been punched in the gut. She couldn't breathe and she felt like she was going to suffocate.

"You're wrong," she insisted, regaining the ability to talk and standing so that she and Teddy were on equal footing again. "This can work, we just have to try – "

"I have been trying," Teddy interrupted. "All term I've been trying. I took time off work to visit you on the second day of classes because your friends were so worried you were falling apart. I took time off work twice more following that because I wanted to make sure you were doing alright. When I came to visit you in November, I put my entire project on the line not going in to work on it, but I knew that spending the day with you was important enough to miss my chance to do the overtime."

"I never asked you to – "

"Of course you didn't," Teddy said. "But I did it anyway, because you're important to me. But it's been like you don't even care. You make me feel like I'm not doing enough when I'm doing everything I can just to stay afloat at this new job."

"Well maybe if your co-worker wasn't completely useless – "

"This isn't his fault!" Teddy cried, his voice getting louder as he got more and more worked up. "You don't understand. You can't – " He paused, took a deep breath, and started again, this time in a much calmer, much softer voice. "I love you, Victoire."

"I love you too," Victoire said, hopefully.

Teddy glanced away for a moment and then looked back. "I love you. And you mean everything to me. But you aren't everything I am."

Victoire frowned, not understanding. "What are you - ?"

"Without you, I would be devastated," Teddy said. "I would be miserable and broken-hearted, and I would be sad for a very long time. But I would still be me. I don't think you can say the same."

"What does that even mean?" Victoire demanded, still feeling lost.

"I think that somewhere along the line, you've tied your identity up with me so much that you can't exist when I'm not around," Teddy explained.

"No," Victoire immediately shook her head. That wasn't true. It couldn't be true. Victoire was her own person. She had friends, a family, a life. She didn't need Teddy to tell her who she was.

"You have," Teddy insisted. "And I think deep down you know it. You were a mess as soon as you got on that train, and we hadn't even been apart for ten minutes. And that's just too much pressure for you to be putting on me. I can't be your everything."

"But you aren't!" Victoire exclaimed. "I can exist without you!"

"I hope that's true," Teddy said sadly. "Because you're going to have to find a way to."

For a moment, Victoire didn't think she'd understood. But then the reality of what Teddy was saying sunk in. "Wait," she said. "Teddy no, please don't do this. I can do better! What happened in September won't happen again. That was just a really hard time, but I'm passed it now. It's not going to be like that anymore."

"But it is," Teddy said. "You may not be lying around in bed all day, but you still don't know how to function without me. You said it yourself before – when we met up in November you were trying to convince me to visit more often because you thought you were losing me."

"Because when people are in a relationship they like to spend time together!" Victoire insisted. "Not because I couldn't survive without you."

"I realize you don't want to admit it out loud. Maybe you haven't even admitted it to yourself yet. But I think if you did a little self-reflection, you'd realize I'm right," Teddy said.

"No," Victoire shook her head, refusing to accept Teddy's decision. "No, I'm not letting this happen. We're not breaking up."

"This isn't your decision," Teddy said.

"That's not fair!" Victoire cried.

Teddy looked away sadly. "It's not," he agreed. "But it's the way it has to be. You need to learn who you are without me, and I need to find my place in the world without having to worry about you all the time."

"So that's all I am to you?" Victoire demanded. "Something to worry about?"

"You're twisting my words!" Teddy said angrily. "Of course, that's not all you are to me. But more and more that's what our relationship was becoming. The letters you've been sending me haven't been filled with uplifting tales of your adventures at Hogwarts, they've been filled with melancholy messages about how much you miss me. Every time I read one, I would get a pang in my chest, just thinking about how lonely you were without me and I'd be filled with guilt over being away from you. Our relationship isn't a healthy one anymore. You're not growing, and now you're preventing me from growing too."

"So you're just giving up?" Victoire asked. "Is that it?"

Teddy sighed. "I wouldn't put it that way," he said. "I'm putting an end to this for both our sakes, before things get any worse."

"But they won't get worse," Victoire insisted. "They'll only get better."

"I'm sorry Victoire," he said, his voice taking on a tone of finality. "It's over."

And with that said, Teddy walked away.

Victoire didn't know how long she stayed by the stream after Teddy left. At first, she felt shock and bewilderment. She couldn't really believe that what had happened had happened. When it finally sunk in that Teddy wasn't coming back, she'd been overwhelmed by tears and an aching emptiness that had felt all-consuming. Victoire had cried – for how long she wasn't sure – until all her tears were spent and there was nothing left but a dull ache. Then she'd started to process everything that Teddy had said.

Maybe Teddy was right. Maybe she had tied her own identity up in Teddy too much. Last month, when she'd looked at her future without Teddy, it had stretched out black and empty as an abyss. She had no career plans, not even a coherent course schedule that could lead to a stable job. She didn't participate in any activities, besides the fact that she was a prefect, and really the only reason she'd agreed to do that had been because Teddy was Head Boy and it had been something they could do together.

Eventually, Victoire knew that she was going to have to pull herself together for dinner. She wiped her tear-stained faced and washed with the water from the stream, making sure that she left no remnant of the emotional afternoon she'd spent. When she was ready, she took a deep breath, burying her emotions for the time being, and set out to return to the Burrow.

When she arrived, everyone was just sitting down to dinner.

"Where's Teddy?" she inquired, when she noticed he wasn't there.

"We thought he was with you," Grandmother Weasley replied.

"I'm here," Teddy's voice surprised Victoire. She turned around, her heart rate picking up from the sudden close proximity. "Sorry I'm late, I just needed to go for a walk and clear my head."

"Alright, well sit down, both of you," Grandmother Weasley insisted. "Before dinner gets cold."

Glancing once more at Teddy before heading to the kid's table, Victoire thought his eyes looked redder than usual. Had he been crying too? Shaking her head, she reminded herself that it was no longer her concern. Teddy had made it clear that he didn't want her in his life anymore. She was just going to have to live with that.

"So who won the Quidditch game?" Victoire wondered, sitting down with her cousins, feeling immensely glad that she was only sixteen and not yet an adult. She wasn't sure she could bear sitting with Teddy at the adults table right now.

"James did," Lucy replied proudly. "He was wonderful."

"Wow, congratulations," Victoire said, helping herself to some potatoes and green beans. "This must be a pretty exciting day for you."

James shrugged, but Victoire could tell he was immensely proud of himself. "It was no big deal," he said nonchalantly.

Victoire found herself smiling and she let herself relax a bit. She forced herself not to think about Teddy. Instead, she just focused on her cousins and enjoying Christmas with her family.