A big fat FAIL, that's what that was.

Laying on his back in the middle of a now decimated training ground, Sasuke tried focusing on his combat formations... but all he could think about was that dinner with Sakura and his family, and the bizarre shitshow that followed.

Three days passed since that disastrous evening, but he was still in the dog house with his girlfriend - and it made him want to rip his hair out.

He recalled how he'd walked Sakura back to her apartment at the end of the night… and how they spent the entire time arguing over that geriatric asshole, Madara.

"I said no. He's fucking nuts."

"Sasuke-kun, be reasonable. It's no big deal. Shishou already spoke to me at length about his condition. Madara-sama is cognitively impaired, and shouldn't be treated differently than any other hospice patient requiring end-of-life care. That's all."

"Why do you have to do it."

"Your mother and Hitomi-san already explained why. For whatever reason, he asked for me specifically… and that's okay. Given his unique medical history, it's probably best that I be the one to address this anyway."

"He's always saying and doing crazy shit to the aunties. Like hell am I letting you near him."

"I already told you, Sasuke-kun. Outbursts are not uncommon amongst cognitively impaired patients, especially those under hospice care. Fear and confusion on top of chronic pain can drive patients to say and do all kinds of things they don't really mean."

"Doesn't matter. You don't have time for this."

"That might have been the case before, but my schedule is more manageable now that our new medics are in rotation. And it will be nice to spend some time each week administering palliative care, as it hasn't been my focus in years…

Dealing with people's lives hanging in the balance every day in the OR makes me miss that part of my job sometimes."

Sasuke didn't think of Sakura's willingness to take on his mother's request from that angle, which he silently berated himself for after the fact.

Because he knew better than anyone how deeply the loss of a patient impacted his girlfriend. He knew how harshly she blamed herself whenever anyone died on her operating table, no matter how futile a procedure was from the start.

He understood why she may have wanted to step away from the stress of the OR every once in a while…

And what she said next made him feel even worse.

"I understand your concerns, but I know how to run my practice, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke dug the heels of his palms into his eyelids in frustration.

That's not what he meant.

He didn't mean to imply that she didn't know how to run her practice. Sakura was at the top of her game; that's the last thing he wanted her to think.

He remembered how the rest of their walk was fraught with tension. Instead of getting to settle in the mundane chatter he associated with Sakura since their Academy days… all he got was silence.

And when they finally reached her apartment, she informed him that she had an early morning the following day and wanted to get some rest.

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

After missing his girlfriend for two weeks, Sasuke was looking forward to spending his nights back home sleeping with her and getting reacquainted with her incredible body.

Instead, he got cock blocked by a living mummy.

How the hell did that night go off the rails so badly in such a short span of time?!

One minute, Sakura's small hand was mere inches away from his… MVP - and the next minute, he found himself frozen out of her bed and walking back to the compound alone.

Even more troubling, was that somehow the evening ended with her thinking he underestimated her professionally, which he knew was a sore spot for her.

And worst of all, she agreed to serve as an interim caretaker to that deranged prick on days when she had free time from the hospital.

He recalled his mother's justification for this madness.

"It won't be all day, Sasu-chan. Sakura-chan is still very busy and doesn't have time for that. And it doesn't mean Megumi-chan or Hitomi oba-san, or Jinzo-san and the others will stop helping.

They'll still be there, but Sakura-chan will come by when it's conducive to her schedule to aide in the important things – making sure he takes his medication, administering minor healing to alleviate his general pain and discomfort, and other things that our clan members are not as well equipped to handle… Right, Sakura-chan?"

Sasuke was suddenly ripped from his thoughts by a smelly and obnoxious foot shoving his shoulder.

"What the fuck are you grumbling about now? Bitching cuz you can't keep up with me?"

Sasuke viciously grabbed a clump of grass and slammed it into Naruto's whiskered face.

Screeching profanities as he spit dirt out of his mouth, Naruto reached over to put his best friend in one of their usual chokeholds, but neither had the strength to put much energy behind their bickering.

The boys were so exhausted, they barely noticed Shisui and Kakashi teleporting beside them.

The Copy Ninja peered lazily down at his former students.

"We're done for the day. You've been unfocused, Sasuke. Even with Kurama-sama's cooperation, the sheer force of the chakra you both are trying to coordinate is still extremely dangerous if it isn't handled perfectly."

Truthfully, Kakashi was surprised by the youngest Uchiha's wavering concentration that afternoon. Like his brother, the boy was usually militant about his training, staunchly disciplined, and was a resolute perfectionist.

In fact, there were only a precious few things he could think of that could ever be a distraction for him…

"YEAH! IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS, ASSHOLE!"

Kakashi sighed. "Naruto, before you start pointing fingers about details, keep in mind that you showed up to training this morning with your pants on backwards."

Shisui snickered above them. "Oi, did ya have a long night, Naruto-kun? Your girl wore you out so bad you were too tired to even put your clothes on right this morning?"

Naruto's cheeks flushed violently as he frantically choked out a string of vehement denials.

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose in aggravation. What the fuck. Was he seriously the only one not getting any lately?!

"C'mon, senpai. Don't be so hard on our Sasu-chan. He's got a lot on his mind, you know."

Sneering mischievously, Shisui added, "After all, how would you feel if your woman was spending time in the exclusive company of none other than Uchiha Madara?"

Kakashi refrained from rolling his eyes. Is that what this was about?

Naruto immediately sat up, face scrunched in confusion.

"Who?"

Shisui smacked the back of his head. "I said, Madara. As in, one of the founders?"

Naruto shot the older nin a dirty look before turning to his former sensei. "But Kaka-sensei, isn't that guy dead?"

At times like this, Kakashi seriously wondered how his genius sensei's less than genius son managed to graduate from the Academy when he couldn't even remember a basic history lesson correctly.

But, for whatever reason – the Copy Ninja found himself in a rare mood to actually volunteer information for once, and tried to explain the situation to his clueless former student.

"No, he's not. Madara was close to death after he battled the Shodaime at the Valley of the End. But, he and Hashirama were best friends, so the Shodaime used a kinjutsu to save his life."

Naruto scratched his chin as he tried to process this information. "But even if he didn't die back then, isn't he, like, really old? How is this guy still around?"

Kakashi sighed. How could he explain Madara's condition in the simplest terms possible?

"Well, according to Tsunade-sama, Madara's body changed at a cellular level when the life force of the Shodaime entered his chakra pathways."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, Shisui tried to stifle a snort, and Naruto… still failed to infer what had happened.

So, Kakashi tried a different approach. "You know, Naruto… the Shodaime's unique powers gave him the ability to create living biological tissue, which made his famous mokuton ninjutsu possible."

(Crickets…)

"In other words, the Shodaime's chakra could prompt the regeneration of proteins and enzymes in the body at will. It is this power that caused Madara's cells to trigger continuous cycles of mitosis to renew themselves, which unnaturally prolonged his lifespan. Does that make sense?"

Sasuke shot him a dry look. Really?

But Kakashi just shrugged. "You three always complained that I never bothered to explain anything, and now you know why."

In typical Naruto fashion, he just dismissed the complicated bits he didn't understand… which in this case, was everything.

But that was okay, because all of this sounded like boring textbook crap that didn't matter.

Most importantly –

"Why's this old man hanging out with Sakura-chan?"

Shisui crouched down to meet the younger nin at eye level.

"Well, Naruto-kun. Let's just say he's been receiving some private care from our favorite medic."

This time, Naruto looked over at his best friend in disbelief.

"That's what got your thong in a twist? Sakura-chan's new patient? He's just some geezer."

Sasuke shot dagger eyes at the idiot, and was about to retort when Shisui beat him to it.

"Ahhh, but that's where you're wrong. Madara isn't just any old geezer." The older Uchiha gave his baby cousin a devilish grin.

"He was an absolute savage with the ladies back in the day, you know."

Naruto's eyes widened while Sasuke's nostrils flared in indignation. "What the hell is that supposed to mean."

Shisui chuckled as he picked at a piece of non-existent lint on his sleeve.

"Word on the street was, that Madara could get any woman he wanted. You know, because he had that whole 'wickedly handsome with a monster physique' thing going on. And of course, it didn't hurt that he was a crazy powerful ninja who could only be challenged by the first Hokage."

Ignoring his senpai's bland, but unmistakably pointed look, Shisui bit back a giggle and continued.

"And of course, he's always had that long, virile – "

.

.

.

"HAIR."

Naruto nearly fell over. "Hair?!"

Shisui tried nodding with a straight face, but could barely contain his snickering as he explained further.

"Yes, hair. Where do you think Jiraiya-sama got the inspiration to grow out his own hair from? It's because Madara's wild hair was always so popular with the ladies, and attracted a near endless stream of ass."

Sasuke was catatonic.

His brain shut off after he heard the word "virile", and the only thing he could think of at that moment was the sight of Madara's enormous you know what from three days ago.

The younger Uchiha visibly sweat dropped.

Sakura…

He recalled the way her large eyes locked onto Madara's –

long,

THICK,

VIRILE –

Sasuke snapped.

Without another word, he grabbed Naruto by the collar and frantically dragged him off the training grounds to come up with some… plan, or strategy - or… SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to get Madara away from their impressionable female teammate.

Kakashi aimed a lazy eye over to his former kouhai who was now doubled over laughing, and exhaled a deep sigh.

"Why does it feel like we're going to be dealing with a whole lot of stupid over the next few days because of your little performance just now?"

Shisui couldn't offer a verbal response because his laughter escalated into full blown howling.

Kakashi languidly pulled his hitai-ate over his left eye and whipped out his trusty orange book.

So much for training…

"WHAT THE FUCK, TEME?!"

After nearly strangling each other on their way out of the training grounds, Naruto and Sasuke found themselves tumbling down a grassy hillside on the outskirts of the village.

Once both battered boys caught their bearings, Sasuke finally regained enough of his mental faculties to explain his sudden actions, and described the events that followed the dinner at his home three days ago.

Naruto's eyes widened with alarm as he realized what was at stake.

"Super gross! That nasty geezer has the hots for Sakura-chan!"

He thumped his fist into the open palm of his other hand and steeled his blue eyes.

"First things first. Where's Madara? We gotta know what he's up to!"

Sasuke curtly nodded. "He might be with her now. This is around the time she took care of him yesterday."

Naruto slapped a firm hand on his best friend's shoulder. Without exchanging another word, both boys expertly masked their chakra and took off in the direction of the Uchiha district.

Sasuke sensed his girlfriend's all too familiar signature getting stronger the closer he got to his clan's holdings. When the duo finally reached the road leading to the compound, they saw two chuunin standing guard at the gates, speaking to each another in low tones.

Sasuke recognized his younger cousins Inabi and Tetsuna heatedly whispering to one another, eyes wide with wonder. While the older jounin were still a good distance off, their superior shinobi hearing and sharp lip reading skills gave the chunnins' guarded conversation away.

"Jinzo-oji-san said Madara-sama took her on a picnic… where she FED HIM, can you believe it? And she's been massaging his hands to help with his arthritis… Gods, if a woman like that ever put her hands on me I'd lose my shit!"

"Yuriko bumped into Hitomi-oba-san at the art store this morning. Oba-san said he's painting something for Haruno-sensei… But he won't tell anyone what, exactly. What do you think it is?"

"Who cares about that?! She's a 100 out of ten! If losing your marbles means getting touched by a five alarm hottie like that, sign me up!"

Naruto gave his teammate a startled look, while Sasuke's eyes narrowed in aggravation.

A picnic?

Massages?!

Sasuke harrumphed and stomped up the road with Naruto in tow.

The chuunin standing guard visibly paled at the sight of their powerful older cousin and his jinchuuriki teammate, and scrambled to straighten their posture.

Not bothering to return their shaky greetings, Sasuke yanked a happily waving Naruto along as they headed down the compound's main street towards Madara's sprawling estate.

The boys were unfamiliar with the former clan head's villa, so they decided to start their recon by scoping out the premises from the roof of the estate's highest structure, which happened to be the falconry.

Deftly hidden on their rooftop perch, the boys quickly scanned over the intricate gardens, the immaculate koi ponds, and the neatly manicured private training grounds.

And while they saw Auntie Hitomi and a domestic helper carrying what looked like a canvas, an easel, and other art supplies into Madara's residence, they couldn't find any visible sign of their third teammate… until Sasuke caught a flash of pink from a second story window.

He pointed it out to Naruto, who just looked confused.

"Why are Sakura-chan's clothes over there?" Naruto whispered, pointing to a white medic's coat and a familiar red dress, both hanging neatly from a pricey Jindai cedar armoire in the corner of the room… with Sakura nowhere in sight.

Suddenly, his blond eyebrows shot straight to his hairline as he came to a realization.

Naruto's usually tan, whiskered cheeks blanched as he gripped the high collar of Sasuke's navy shirt.

"TEME. He's PAINTING… and – and, Sakura-chan's CLOTHES… AND – !"

Sasuke furrowed his brows, trying to figure out what the idiot was trying to say.

He gave up and furiously whispered back, "And? What about it?!"

"Don't you get it?! This is baaaaaaaad!"

Sasuke repressed the urge to smack his best friend upside the head. "Stop being so fucking vague and EXPLAIN."

"I'm TRYING, asshole! So, remember when I took Hinata-chan on a date to that new okonomiyaki café? Before we left for Kusa? Not so great, by the way."

Sasuke's vicious glare meant he was losing patience, fast.

"Okay, so anyways, we ran into Ino and her new boyfriend, the weird ANBU guy. You know, the artist? The one who wears the baby sized shirts?"

Sasuke inwardly groaned. Yamanaka was a raging hemorrhoid; she was always dragging Sakura out to bars and discos without him for "girls night out" events and other similar shitfuckery.

And when she wasn't doing that, she was constantly bragging about the lavish gifts and romantic dates her artsy crop top wearing freakshow boytoy routinely planned for her.

Fuck.

Nothing Yamanaka related was ever anything less than an S-class disaster.

Naruto continued. "So anyway, Ino told Hinata-chan that men like painting the women they love naked because it's like, romantic… or something. That guy Sai painted Ino in the NUDE and gave it to her as a gift!"

Naruto rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand in confusion.

"I mean, if you have a naked picture of your girl, isn't that super hot? Wouldn't you want to keep it? Why would your girl want it? Hey! Teme? Teme, are you listening?!"

No, he wasn't. Because all Sasuke heard were the words "naked" and "nude".

Madara was going to paint her…?!

Sasuke fumed… OVER. HIS. DEAD. BODY.

He locked eyes with his best friend with a murderous look letting Naruto know shit was about to get real.

Employing all of their most impressive stealth and infiltration skills, the duo silently scaled down the walls of the falconry and breached Madara's residence, but nearly blew their cover when Naruto tripped on an ornate table.

"Watch where you're going, Dobe!" Sasuke quietly hissed, privately wondering how a jounin could be so clumsy.

To his ire, Naruto was too absorbed with his surroundings to heed the warning.

Truthfully, Sasuke couldn't really blame him. He'd heard his Otou-san's grumblings about the exorbitant cost of maintaining Madara's household, but had never personally been inside the lavish villa… until now.

Like most of the buildings within the compound, Madara's home was constructed in a traditional style. But the sheer size and scale of the structure easily dwarfed the grandeur of the main house.

Furnishings were sparse, in keeping with the style of noble homes during the Sengoku period, but each piece was made from the rarest woods of the highest quality.

The boys also noticed the impressive hanging scrolls that were hung on the walls, featuring calligraphy for single words that reflected shinobi life.

Parchments bearing the kanji for "Duty" and "Honor" were both hung above the oversized genkan, while another hanging scroll with the word "Family" was featured prominently in the large central washitsu.

As the boys passed what appeared to be the largest bedroom in the home, Sasuke noticed that there were only two works on the walls other than the scant furnishings therein: a painting (the only one he'd seen in the house) of bare trees with their closed buds covered in a light sheet of frost, and a scroll on the opposite wall bearing the kanji for the word "Devotion".

Sasuke scrutinized the décor for a second. Strange… if this is the largest room, it had to belong to Madara.

But he couldn't help thinking that the choice of works adorning the walls seemed kind of sappy for a shinobi of his caliber.

As the duo continued their way deeper into the house, they were hit with the unmistakable sound of Sakura's silvery laughter coming from the –

Naruto whispered, "Why would he paint a nudie picture of Sakura-chan in the kitchen?"

Sasuke shook his head in disgust. What kind of question was that? Maybe it was because of some kinky food shit; how the hell was he supposed to know?!

Filled with righteous indignation, Sasuke prepared to strike – which his best friend instantly sensed.

A split second later, the boys leapt out from behind the kitchen door with kunais in hand, ready to take down the dirty old bastard when –

They were suddenly flying through the kitchen window.

Sasuke and Naruto found themselves sprawled out on the now splintered engawa outside the kitchen, their cheeks swollen with vicious bruises.

The first thing they saw when they came to was their female teammate, completely covered up in a properly tied grey yukata…

And what could only be described as a hellish glare on her face.

Naruto cowered in fear as he glued his eyes to the ground, desperately hoping she wouldn't break any of his bones that day. He really didn't want to have to cancel his dinner date with Hinata-chan over this.

Sasuke, on the other hand, couldn't keep his eyes off her.

Maybe that made him a masochist of sorts, he wasn't sure. But there was just something strangely erotic about the way Sakura's small fists were clenched; how her face was flushed with anger; the way her hair was mussed, and how her breasts heaved with every labored breath, causing her cleavage to peek through the collar of her robe…

In short: a furious Sakura was magnificent.

"Naruto… I'm not even going to ask. I WANT YOU TO GO. HOME. RIGHT. NOW."

The blond whimpered at her lethal tone, and immediately hobbled his way out of the villa as fast as his legs could carry him.

Sakura closed her eyes and took a deep breath before addressing her boyfriend next.

"Sasuke-kun… I need you to explain yourself."

Sasuke felt like his brain was short circuiting from everything he was feeling all at once, which wasn't a new thing when it came to his girlfriend.

Flustered by how sexy she looked, wincing at the pain in his cheek, irritated by how comfortable she seemed in Madara's home, whilst hopelessly burning with attraction for her, he blurted out –

"Why are you wearing that."

Sakura blinked. What the… what?

"Because we were making food, and I didn't want to soil my work clothes. The cook didn't have a spare apron in my size, so she gave me this old yukata instead."

"Why were you cooking."

Did she hit Sasuke too hard? Why was he so out of it and asking all these random questions?

"Hitomi-san mentioned that Madara-sama's appetite has been fickle lately, and he can't take his meds without eating something first. So, I asked him what his favorite food was."

She pointed to packages of aburaage tofu pouches on the kitchen counter, presumably opened for inarizushi.

"I wanted to work on his hand-eye coordination today, so I figured having him prepare his favorite dish with me was a good way to do that, whilst ensuring that he ate a full meal… Wait – Sasuke-kun, are you okay? What is this about?"

The back of Sasuke's neck burned with embarrassment as he muttered, "I thought he was painting."

The young medic was completely confounded.

Huh?

"What about it? Yes, he mentioned that he used to paint, so I asked Hitomi-san if we could get him some art supplies because it's another good way to exercise one's hand-eye coordination."

Shaking her head in bewilderment, Sakura leaned over and placed a hand over her boyfriend's forehead to see if he was suffering from a concussion… only to find that he wasn't.

She looked heavenward in frustration, not understanding what the hell was going on.

What she did know, was that Sasuke seemed to be in a mood. And it didn't look like she was going to get coherent answers from him any time soon.

Too tired and drained from the drama that ensued to deal with this any further, Sakura tried to speak in the calmest tone of voice she could muster.

"I… I can't believe this. I need to find Hitomi-san; we need to get someone to clean all of this up."

Before walking back into the house, she looked over her shoulder with hard eyes.

"And I'm sure you know that you and Naruto will be paying to repair all the property damage you've caused."

Sasuke continued sulking outside the destroyed kitchen window, wondering just how he'd fucked up so badly, when he noticed Madara approaching.

The elderly man's deep voice cut the silence. "I remember you. You are the whelp that was attempting to make eyes at my mate."

Sasuke's head whipped up.

"Your mate?" He hissed, desperately trying not to incinerate the shit out of the presumptuous mummy in front of him. "She's MY girlfriend."

Madara snorted and waved a hand dismissively. "She was mine first. And I do not share what belongs to me."

"First?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Ignoring the question, Madara crossed his arms in a show of dominance and scoffed contemptuously.

"Tch. As if a pup like you even had the necessary… equipment or know-how to satisfy a woman like mine."

Madara sneered one last time before stomping back inside the house, just as Auntie Hitomi appeared to settle him in the washitsu for his afternoon tea service… leaving a livid and speechless Sasuke in his wake.

A/N: Hello everyone, I hope you all are safe and healthy during these difficult times.

I also wanted to take this opportunity to thank every person who not only took the time to read, but left an encouraging comment/review as well. I appreciate your feedback more than you know, and love engaging with you!

This update is for all of you conscientious readers! But: I also wanted to remind everyone else that it's not the sole responsibility of the same handful of people to keep a story going.

Kindly remember that clicking a favorite button is no substitute for leaving feedback. Thank you for your understanding, and I hope to engage with more of you in the future!