The few weeks that followed were a blur for James. Despite it being ridiculously early in the school year, the teachers went on and on about their upcoming OWLs and homework was piling up dangerously.

James, who never once paid attention in class before, at time found himself taking notes in Transfiguration, or absent-mindedly practising charms on ink bottles. It seemed as though every fifth year in the school was suddenly hit by the realization that exams were coming, and that there would be no mercy for slackers.

Quidditch practice and Moony's furry little problem became the only times James could escape the atmosphere of frantic studying in the castle.

It took a little while for James to realize what he really needed to escape from, what he had been feeling, and why he had been feeling that way.

He was lonely.

And of course his friends were always by his side: The Marauders never split up. And of course he loved them all and they were all he needed in his life ever.

But things had changed between them.

Slowly,imperceptibly at first. Moony was always Moony, focused, driven and loving. Padfoot was always Padfoot, beautiful, haughty and always bored out of his mind. And Wormy was and would always stay the most faithful, loyal friend James ever had.

The changes were subtle. Sirius and Remus were closer. Sirius was happier.

When they all gathered around the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room to study, Remus sat closer to Sirius than he used to. When they walked in the corridors from classroom to classroom, James sometimes glanced behind him to see them both quickly pretending that they weren't just holding hands.

And although he loved to see two of his best friends strengthen their bond, he couldn't help but feel ostracised. He wished to be included in this new and sudden friendship development. He knew it was incredibly selfish but he couldn't help feeling this way.

This jealousy kept him awake at night. He felt like he was losing them both.

Thank Merlin for Wormtail. Peter seemed to have notice that whatever was going on between Sirius and Remus was affecting James. So he spent more time with him, helping James with his homework, telling him about the next Hogsmeade visit, arguing about which team, of the Cannons or the Tornadoes, was the best. A few times, he even stayed up all night writing Jame's essays, while James went for a nocturnal flight around the castle's grounds.

James truly didn't know what he would be if it wasn't for Wormy.

He saw Lily from times to times during the meals and in class but that was it. She preferred to study in the library and James preferred to pretend he was allergic to books. They were from two different worlds. But James couldn't stop thinking about her. Because at night, when he laid awake in his bed, listening to the gentle snoring of the best friends he thought he was losing, his thoughts always came back to Lily.

He had a crush on her for as long as he could remember.

He often dreamed about the first time they met, on the Howgarts Express. He often wished he could go back to that day and do it all over again, differently this time.

He had just met Sirius on the platform, and instantly liked his rugged looks and careless attitude. He lingered in his mother's hug and could still smell her perfume when he opened the door to the compartment.

She was already there and she was beautiful. Her eyes were red, she had been crying, but it only made her look more strong. She only glanced in their direction before looking back out of the window. Eleven year-old James had been starstruck and a young Sirius had to nudge him to get him to stop blocking the doorway.

Completely oblivious to the girl's charm, Sirius sat down in the opposite corner of her and motioned the seat in front of him, inviting James to sit down.

James's mind was racing as he settled himself in front of his new friend, but only one thought came back over and over in his head.

She needs to think I'm cool.

He ruffled up his hair his mother had flattened and propped up a foot on his seat, trying (and somewhat failing) to emulate the relaxed energy of Sirius. Struggling not to look in the girl's direction, he proceeded to start a loud conversation bragging about his father's business. Anything to get her attention, anything to make himself look more interesting than he actually was.

After a few minutes, the compartment door slid open and a small, sallow boy sat down in front of the red headed girl.

"I don't want to talk to you."

James froze for a second at the words and at the girl's lofty voice but kept on talking, turning his back to the strange pair, focusing his entire attention on listening to the conversation.

"Why not?"

"Tuney h-hates me. Because we saw that letter from Dumbledore."

James's curiosity grew. Not at the mention of Dumbledore's letter, but at the use of the "we". Could this disgusting looking boy be her boyfriend? Immediately, he felt nothing but animosity for the newcomer.

"But we're going!"

Even his voice was annoying.

"This is it! We're off to Hogwarts!"

There was a pause during which the girl did not answer and it took everything James had to not turn around and look in her direction to see what she was doing.

"You'd better be in Slytherin," the boy continued, and it was the last straw for James.

"Slytherin?" he repeated with a smile, turning towards the two by the window, "Who wants to be in Slytherin?"

He turned to Sirius, hoping to get his approval.

"I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

Sirius did not smile.

"My whole family have been in Slytherin," he said.

James felt his heart skip a beat but he couldn't lose face in front of the girl, so he brushed it off.

"Blimey, and I thought you seemed all right!"

His new friend grinned and James let out a silent sigh of relief.

"Maybe I'll break the tradition," Sirius continued. "Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

James did not hesitate, and gestured lifting a sword above his head.

"Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart! Like my dad."

Gryffindor was where he always hoped to be. It was the best house according to his parents, and his bedroom was decorated with red and gold ever since he was born. It wasn't much of a choice really, the other options might as well be non-existent.

The sallow boy made a small sound of disapproval and James felt irritation rise in him. He really really disliked this caricature of a child.

"Got a problem with that?" He said, more brutally than he would have if the girl wasn't here.

"No, if you'd rather be brawny than brainy."

James' eyebrows rose with surprise and anger, but Sirius was faster than him:

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?"

The frustration and irritation built up in James melted away at Sirius's comeback, and he let out a sincere laugh. He really really liked that boy.

In his hilarity, he didn't notice the girl had stood up and was looking at them in dislike.

"Come on, Severus, let's find another compartment."

James stopped laughing immediately and watched them leave, disheartened. He probably could have handle that better.

Present-day James woke up shivering. He had kicked his blanket out of his bed, in the frustration his nightmare provoked. He was tired of dreaming of this day over and over again, reliving his mistakes, his own arrogance and awkwardness.

For four years, he had loved the same girl. For four years, he had ruined everything with her.

James swallowed his pride and cried silently.