I laid on top of my bed with my limbs and hair sprawled out. My phone was in one hand and Josh's bracelet in the other, which I was inspecting constantly. I'd been all messed up since that run-in with Peter earlier today. My eyes slowly drifted over to the photo of us hanging on my board across the room. Odd, he looked so different now and yet, I knew at first glance it was him. But then, I guess we all looked altered from our high school selves; Gen especially. But that didn't matter now, I suppose. I sighed heavily and turned my head back to face the ceiling. My hand brought the black beads up above me into view.
I finally remembered what the soft, tiny melody was playing in my head when Peter walked over to us- me. It was the opening theme of 2005's Pride and Prejudice, "Dawn". That's right… Back in high school I associated music with everything, like my very own life soundtrack. Peter's scores were all the songs from Pride and Prejudice. A weird choice looking back, considering how much I loved movies like Sixteen Candles and Aquamarine. But then, to my adult mind, it made perfect sense. All the songs in Pride and Prejudice were wordless, just like my feelings for Peter. I never actually confessed to him; I loved him so dearly and he could ironically have never known. Instead of describing in words how I felt, that kind of music- classical and soft- was more of an experience than a description or confession. Sitting at the park with Peter while listening to Pride and Prejudice's soundtrack, I watched him do his own thing for much too long. In those sweet, young moments, I didn't talk to Peter; I experienced him, his essence.
After all that, my eyes lowered a tad. All that love, all that passion I kindled for Peter….. it all amounted to nothing. He chose Gen; he repeatedly chose Gen, someone who called him a moron. I still shuttered at the thought. But it's true…. All my life, guys had never chosen me; not consensually anyway. No one wanted the "nice girl"; the kind of girl who didn't like to argue, wouldn't keep a man waiting while she got ready, was super respectful and didn't swear. Gen was much cooler than me; or at least I believed she was back in high school. Boys swarmed to her in droves; something that never happened to me, or at least not yet. But don't feel too bad for me- I didn't know at the time but my turn was coming. It's amazing how male tastes change in their twenties, as I would soon learn.
My fingers wrapped around Josh's bracelet. I was desperate for companionship just then, to have him near me. But I guess this would have to do. I lowered his beads onto my heart and took in a deep breath. I couldn't lie, I wanted Josh back; I wanted him close to me, as close as possible. Josh always made everything better; he always knew just the right thing to say. It sounds hokey but being with him was as easy as breathing. He made it easy and all without trying….. Josh, my eyes gently shut. Josh, please….. I need you now, my lips parted slightly. Someone's here that I can't easily ignore….. Peter's back- my Peter.
To get my mind off things, I decided to clean through my room the next morning. I don't know why- probably because I ran into you-know-who- but I remembered all those letters I wrote back in the day. Now I had no desire to re-read them; that was a cringe-fest waiting to happen. But I did remember the nice blue box with a bow I put them in, and I wanted it for something. I'd recycle the letters inside and bring the box back to Europe with me. Unfortunately, however, I was having zero luck finding it. I know I left it in my closet; I remember putting it on the top shelf before I left for my first year of university. Why wasn't it still there?
"Ugh!" I practically tore my poor closet inside out looking for that stupid box. "Kitty!" My voice echoed through the house. "What?!" She hollered up from downstairs. "Can you come up here please?!" "I'm making popcorn!" "Please! It's important!" I felt like I shouldn't have to beg. I could hear Kitty moan from all the way up here; she was at my doorframe in seconds. "Yeah?" "Have you seen this blue, round box with a bow on it? It had a bunch of letters inside." "What are you talking about?" She sounded genuinely confused and slightly irritated. "It was in my closet. I put it on the top shelf before I left for school."
"Why would I go in your closet?" Kitty's eyes rolled. I took that to mean that she hadn't seen or taken it, but verbal confirmation would still be nice. "So, you haven't seen it?" "No? Daddy came in here two years old to get some recycling, but I don't remember any box." "Recycling? You mean he recycled it?" Oh crap; and I really liked that box too. "I have no idea," Kitty shrugged. "Now can I get back to my popcorn?" "Yeah, sure thing. Thanks Kitty!" She hurried downstairs and I stood in front of my now messy closet; hands planted on my hips. Well, that's that; guess I'll never see that box or letters again. Oh well, it could have been worse, I thought as I started cleaning up.