I woke up in the middle of the night again; this was the third time this week. A nightmare made me wake up, again. My sheets under me were soaked with sweat and I was worried I wet the bed. On nights such as this, dark seemed darker and every sound, every creek was intensified. My body was a jumble of nerves, all shaking under my skin. And it felt like something- a whole bunch of somethings- were crawling around the bed. Not within twenty seconds of me waking up and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I knew this feeling all too well; I learned the signs in less than a month.
Rapidly running out of time, I reached over for my phone, unlocked it with my thumb, and pressed Josh's number. My door was locked and I couldn't move currently, but the university let Josh have a key to my room after the police notified my college. It rang twice before he answered it. "Josh!" I gasped in a panic, quickly losing control of myself. "Josh!" "Hold on, I'm coming!" Josh knew instantly what that meant; this had happened several times this month. If you've ever experienced a real panic attack, you know how little control you have over your body; at least for the first minute or two.
Within seconds, I heard my door unlock and Josh came bursting into my room. After turning on the lights, he raced over to my bed side, taking my hand in his. "Breathe, Aerity; breathe. It's ok, it's alright; no one's here. You're not in danger," he cooed in the calmest, most comforting tone possible. The assault therapist told Josh and Margot how to treat episodes like this; he knew exactly what he was doing. When my muscles didn't untense themselves, he carefully leaned me up and gently rubbed circles on my back. All the while, he held me close to him; very close.
"It's ok; it's ok, Aerity. I'm here," he kept repeating over and over while massaging my back. "He can't hurt you; I'm here now." "J-Josh," I said when my breathing finally steadied. "Are you breathing normally again?" He asked me and I nodded. Then he laid me back down into bed and sat on my floor, still watching me intently; sincerely. "Feeling better?" I nodded again, not saying anything. "Ok, good. It's 3am; you should get some sleep." That's when tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared at him anxiously. "I-I can't….. I'm scared," my lips quivered. "I'm so scared….." More tears; a constant stream of tears.
Josh looked at me for a moment before reaching over to take hold of my hand. "Then I'll stay, until you fall asleep." "R-really?" My eyes grew a bit. His hand gave mine a little squeeze. "Yeah, if it'll make you feel safe." "T-thank you, Josh," still crying, I painfully shut my eyes; pain, that's all I felt right then. Like knives cutting into my body repeatedly. Josh grinned sadly and leaned in closer to rest comfortably up the side of the bed. My hand clung to his for what felt like dear life. "Please…. please don't leave, Josh." I didn't need to say this, but I was so frightened that I couldn't help myself. Josh looked over at my face, though I didn't see, and gently moved some stray hairs off my cheek. "Never; I'll never leave you, as long as you need me." "Good," I sighed through the tears. "I don't feel safe unless I know you're nearby."
"You never talk about it, Aerity," Chris and I were doing laps at the city's outside track. In the middle of the track was a sports field for football and the like. We were running like we used to do in high school, and we were still as bad as it; maybe even worse in our adult bodies. I told Chris what happened that summer when we were twenty-two; it had been two years since then and it was still something that came up now and again. My head shook as I tried to steady my breathing; running helped.
"I went to therapy for two years if that helps." "Well, at least you don't have panic attacks like you used to. You don't, right?" "No," my head shook a second time. "The last one was almost a year ago; Margot was there, she helped. It only lasted twenty minutes or so." "Ok, good! Progress!" Chris gave me a thumbs up. "See? You're a survivor. I don't get why you never tell anyone. Even Kitty doesn't know; just me, your dad, Margot, and Josh. It's nothing to be ashamed about; you didn't do anything wrong." "It's not like that," I looked down; I hated talking about this. "People treat you different if they know. Not everyone is kind to survivors, especially those who say we only go to the police for attention." And I felt that same painful surgance rise up inside of me. "No….. I'd rather people just think I'm normal. It's easier that way….." So much easier. If you've seen Thirteen Reasons Why, you know what I mean.
Chris nodded understandingly. "Is that why you're having such a hard time being apart from Josh?" This question didn't catch me off guard as much as I thought it would. "I haven't thought about it, to be honest; but it's definitely a possibility." "It's the first time you've been apart since….. well, he's just always been there, just in case." "Yeah," my eyes lowered. Always and unconditionally…. "I don't feel safe unless I know he's nearby." "Who? Josh?" Chris asked like we hadn't just been talking about him. But this made me think- did I mean Josh? Obviously I did but…. only Josh? I never realized it before but was it true? Was Josh the only one who made me feel safe? He certainly did but just him?
As if to be reading my mind, Chris moved her vision off me forward. "Is that why it's so awkward around Peter? Because he doesn't know?" Again, this didn't alarm me as much as it should have. "I think that has something to do with it. Josh knows me; he knows the truth, what I've been through and… he still accepts me whole-heartedly. He supports me like no other….." I sucked in a much-needed breath. "I don't know if Peter, or any other guy for that matter would do the same. I know how Peter would react if I told him, if he'd see me differently…. I'm not the same innocent girl he knew in high school; that Aerity is long gone."
Chris didn't say anything for a minute, letting a pregnant pause fall over us. Then she also drew in a deep breath. "Don't talk about yourself like you're damaged goods." "That's how it feels sometimes," I retorted honestly. "Peter wouldn't blame you; no one does. He'd probably support you, be there for you." "I don't know…. besides, there's still the thing with him and Gen. I really don't want to get involved in all that." Chris thought this over for a second before grinning over at me. "You're into logic, right?" "If you mean I've studied logic, yes; I have." "Then think of it like this. You're moving back to Europe; you want to live there permanently one day, right?" "That's the plan?" "Well then, it doesn't really matter how Peter responds." "It doesn't work like that," I frowned. "Sure, it does. If you tell him and he responds negatively, then you'll just go back to Europe and never see him again. You really have nothing to lose here." "I get what you're saying," I really did. "But I just don't want to tell him. I need to trust him before I tell him; like anyone else. I haven't even told Kitty for pete sake."
"You did that to protect her," Chris countered quickly. "You don't need to shield Peter from this." I let out the biggest sigh as we came to a halt on the track. "Fine, how about this? The day I suspect that I might be in love with Peter, I'll tell him, ok?" "Won't it be too late by then?" "Nope," I grinned after a drink from my water bottle. "It'll just tell me if I should kill off my feelings or let them grow organically. Either way, I doubt that'll ever happen. Peter and I will never be a thing."
"Hey, Aerity!" Oh fock! I winced my eyes shut while Chris checked over her shoulder to see who was coming. I didn't have to check; I already knew. Ugh! Why does this keep happening to me?! What was this? Some best-selling YA novel? Oh, the smirk Chris flashed me as she turned her head back around. "Doubt that'll ever happen, huh?" "No….. why me? Why me?" I groaned loudly. "Give him a chance, Aerity. You guys were close in high school." "That was before….! Before everything happened….." I stared at Chris, begging her to side with me on the issue. But she simply responded with one of her classic knowing smiles; the smile of a real friend who loved me. "I know you love Josh, and I can see why. But he's not the only man in the world that can make you feel safe."