Lucas. How does one describe someone as awesome as Lucas? Wonderful, smart, charming, funny? All the above and more. Spending the afternoon together was just what the doctor ordered. He made me feel calm and happy; just like Josh did back in Edinburgh. And the best part was that he totally understood my man troubles, even admitting that he'd been in similar situations before. Guess my predicament wasn't so unusual- minus the letter bit. Lucas consoled me, reassuring me that everything would work out in the end. Somehow, I had no clue as to how but somehow everything would be ok. Somehow.
Our time together was too short. But Lucas had a date that evening and I respected his prior commitments. We parted in front of this old milkshake diner that me and my friends used to hang out all the time at in high school. Lucas hugged me and warmly kissed my cheek. Then he gave me his phone number and commanded me not to be a stranger; I was more than happy to comply with that beautiful demand. Once he was gone, I still didn't feel like going home for a night alone; Daddy and Kitty went out for the evening. So I went inside the diner- something I hadn't done in years- and plopped myself down at the counter. Then I stuck in my headphones, put on Lucienne Delyle- I love thirties French music- and pulled out Josh's beads. They twisted and twirled in my fingers while I let my mind go; simply wander to wherever it wanted to. Lucienne helped matters….
This bliss however, also couldn't last. I was in the middle of "Sous les Ponts de Paris" when something touched my shoulder. I flinched so hard that my earbuds were yanked out of my ears- ouch. Blinking to my side, I was not surprised at all to find none other than Peter standing there. Of course! I winced my eyes shut. Cause the universe just wants us to meet for some unforeseeable reason; thanks fate! Not like life was complicated enough by free will alone! Peter's face went from surprised at my reaction to slightly amused.
"Lucienne Delyle? What are you, like a hundred?" Ugh. "Hi Peter," I shut off the music and rested my face in my palm exasperated. "Hey, Covey." Before either of us could get another word in, the waitress delivered my oreo milkshake. "There you go." "Thanks," I uttered, not looking her or Peter in the eye. She glanced over to him curiously and a little puzzled. "Anything for your gentleman friend here?"
Gentleman friend…. Let me tell you something about being in your twenties: the twenties are a weird time for relationships. You're passed that puppy love, dramatic high school phase where partners come and go like seasons. No, relationships are usually more serious in your twenties; but that leads to this weird pre-marriage, post-awkward high school romance phase. You're too young to get married- in most cases, there are excepts obviously- but you're too old for shallow, short-term relationships, especially in your late twenties. In short, if someone calls a man you're "gentleman friend", that's adult code for "potential boyfriend and even better, future partner". Man! And I thought relationship lingo was complicated as a teenager!
My head quickly shook, banishing the idea from my mind. "He's not with me," I managed to spit out. "I'll get a chocolate shake, thank you" Peter said, completely ignoring my response. "Sure, alright," the waitress took off. Neither of us said anything for the most awkward five seconds of my life; that was until Peter smirked over to me. "Miss milkshakes over in Euro-land?" His cheek rested comfortably in his hand as he continued to watch me. Euro-land; yeah, have some class, my eyes inwardly rolled. But it did help break the tension between us. I stuck the straw in my shake and pulled it up to me.
"What are you doing here, Peter?" "What? A guy can't just come to take down one of those chocolate shakes?" I replied with a look- one of those looks. This… felt good for some reason; the first comfortable jester I'd done around him; the classic "look". Peter seemed to pick up on this too as his smirk morphed into a grin. "Actually, I stopped at your house and your dad said that you were here." Why, brain?! Why did I have to text Daddy and tell him where I was going? Well actually, I know why; I didn't want him to get home later to find the house empty. But still!
"Look, I just want to be super clear," I was a little alarmed by the tone of Peter's voice; it wasn't mad or anything. He really seemed to be a tad pained to say this…. for some reason. Why should this hurt him in any way? If he didn't feel the same…. I mean like I used to feel, that's not either of our problem. The sensation of Josh's bracelet in my hand suddenly returned to my mind. I have to accept it….. I have to…..
"I'm flattered, I am. But…. Gen and I just like broke up so…" "It's ok, Peter," I stopped him, spinning my head to look him in the eye. I had to be ok with this…. I had to let him know, even if it still maybe, kinda hurt me right now… "Huh?" He blinked confused by this declaration. "What's ok?" "This- us. You were never supposed to get that letter; I didn't send it and I don't know who did. But it doesn't matter," I forced a side grin. "I know you said you didn't want to hear me say "I respect your and Gen's relationship", but it's true. I've grown up; I'd never want to do anything to hurt your relationship with anyone. Even if you're broken up, I still won't….." My lip paused for a moment as I had to remind myself to breathe. "I still won't interject myself; that's not what I wanted to do at all. If I do have feelings for you now, then what I can do for you is to respect what you'd said and move on." Move on….. "I understand what you've said, Peter… and I want you to know that I respect your feelings. I really do."
Peter….. simply stared at me like I had just told him that aliens had landed in his bedroom. I don't think he was expecting that….. I wondered if a woman had ever talked to him like that before. But Lucas was right; everything would be alright. All I had to do was to be honest; sure, it sucked to say out loud, but Peter needed, deserved to know that I understood his rejection. He was Gen's, at least until he said otherwise. I totally respected that, no matter how it tore my heart in half. And I may sound like I'm trying to be a saint- trust me, I'm not. We're just too old and I know too much about morals and ethics to do anything like that. I took two ethics courses in school; I knew. I wasn't trying to be a good person either; I was trying to do what was morally right for someone that I used to love- loved so much.
Peter's lips opened as he breathed deeply, and his eyes wandered into nowhere like he was lost in thought. "What….. what just happened?" He sounded more than a little perplexed at the situation. "Uh, I said I respected your feelings?" "But…. I…. why?" "What do you mean "why"? Because I have dignity, integrity? I care for you as a human being and respect your right to love whoever you want? Because Josh…" My lips trapped shut as I realized the word that just accidently popped out. Oh my god, what did I just say? Peter wore the same expression, tilting his head a bit.
"I'm sorry, what?" "Uh, respect your right to love whoever you want?" "No, no; after that. You said something after that." Oh, Aerity! I kept repeated groaning inside. Don't be a hypocrite! You literally just thought to yourself that all you needed to do is to be honest; you can't stop telling the truth now. Just tell Peter about Josh and move on with life; not like it'll matter to him anyway. He's the one who just rejected you, after all. "Um, well the truth is….." My gaze directed itself to Josh's bracelet still securely in my hand. "There's someone else I might have feelings for," might being the keyword.
Peter's expression went from slightly stunned to intently paying attention to me. "Oh ok; who?" "What?" I flinched up in surprise. "Who? You gotta tell me who this mystery stud is." "Uh, no I don't. Last time I checked, that's none of your business," I frowned. I usually don't talk to people like this- like at all- but there was something about Peter. Something that stoked this warm burning fire inside of me. Heh, great job on moving on there, Aerity; I grinned to myself.
"Well sure it's my business." What the…?! "How's that?" "Real talk, you just wrote me a love letter. I'm not a heartless monster; it did mean something to me….. you mean something to me," Peter admitted, twirling a paper straw cover in his fingers. "I just wanna know who it is. Is that so bad?" Well, I guess when he puts it like that… what's the worst that can happen? We're already never gonna happen and I'm leaving in four months. Honesty is the best policy, I sighed and glanced up to him.
"His name's Josh Sanderson." "Sanderson?" Peter repeated to himself thoughtfully. "Wait," his eyes lit up in remembrance. "That dweeb from high school? I remember him! I have him on FaceBook." A quick pause before Peter let out a shocked gasp. "Isn't he… didn't he date your sister, uh, um…." "Margot." "Yeah, Margot! Didn't they become a thing over in Europe years ago?" Josh posted about him and Margot's relationship on FaceBook? That was news to me. "Well, technically yes but they're not together anymore. They…. broke up when we got back to the states." "Isn't that like super awkward for you?" No duh, but I wouldn't say that out loud; I did have my dignity. "Yes," I admitted in a sigh. "Especially since he also got his letter."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa; hold on, wait a sec- stop," Peter leaned in closer to me. "I'm not the only guy who got a letter?" "Um, no?" And he looked absolutely floored…. again, for some reason. "Wow, you really think that your special and then you find out that she wrote love letters to two guys." "Well, actually three…. that I remember anyway. It could be more for all I know." "How do you not remember how many letters you wrote?" He asked accusingly. "Easy; I haven't read them in six years. I actually forgot all about them, until I wanted the box they were in…" I really liked that box too.
"Well, who's the third guy? Don't tell me it's that preppy Ambrose dork you were pen pals with in junior high." "Who? How do I not remember any of these guys!?" Peter blinked in surprise when I tossed my arms frustrated up into the air. Then I sighed heavily, slamming my hands down onto the counter. "The third one was Lucas; a close friend from elementary school. I… totally forgot he existed until literally today. I don't even remember writing him a letter." "Ok, who else?" Peter wasn't letting this go. "I don't know. I could have written three letters; I could have written five. I have no clue; the only ones I know of are you, Josh, and Lucas."
"Uh huh," Peter's head nodding in a considering way. He licked his lower lip before looking back at me. "And…. have either of them responded? To the letters, I mean." What? Why was he asking me this? "Well Lucas found me in the park. We just spent the afternoon together." "You were just with some guy all afternoon?!" Peter's eyes lit up alarmed. This made me blink over at him. "Uh, yeah? Is that…. a problem?" "Well, you could have said something," he said like it was super obvious. "Why?" I had no idea where all this was suddenly coming from. "Why should you care?" "Uh, because I do?" What kind of response was that?! If I didn't know any better, it almost sounded like Peter was a little jealous or something.
My expression firmed and I pushed my empty milkshake cup away. "Lucas is a friend, ok? Just a friend; nothing else- ever." "Yeah, and about Josh? What did he say?" "Well…. he hasn't said anything yet; he's not answering his calls." "Oh." Is it just my imagination or did Peter sound a little relieved just there? "But he did send me some roses, so I think he liked it." "What?! He did what?" "What's the big deal? He just sent me some flowers." "You don't get it, Covey. That's guy lingo for "I return your feelings"." My feelings? I merely looked at the frazzled Peter for a second before sighing. "It's not like that. He's still in love with my sister; he told me so before he left the city." "Wait, he's gone?" "Just for the month, yeah. He left to get over…. her." "Oh…" More relief in his tone.
I shook my head a little, having enough of this nonsense; he rejected me, I had to remind myself and him by the sounds of it. "Look, Peter. You really have no right to ask me any of these questions. Well actually, you do; but I have no obligation to answer them. You told me it was never going to happen with us, remember?" Peter's face stiffened as I continued. "I made it very clear that I respect your feelings; I don't mean to tell you what to do but I kind of expect the same in return. If you care about me, like you say you do, as only a friend, then you should support any romance decision that I make because I'm the making it."
Again, Peter took his time responding, continuing to stare at me with those deep, endless eyes of his. Eventually his head gave a shake and he blinked back over to me. "I'm sorry, Aerity," he spoke with such sincerity. His eyes drifted down to his clasped hands on the counter. "You're right; I know you're right. I know I'm the one who said it's not gonna happen. It's just…" The words in his throat paused for a minute. "When I read your letter, I was reminded of all the things I used to like about you." And my eyes grew but I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything….. "The way you talked with your hands when you're happy. How you liked hair scrunchies. The cute way you laugh at like everything. How you'd sometimes eat candy bars for breakfast and hide the wrappers in your locker. The way you made me smile without even trying…." His eyes softened as if to be remembering something pleasant. "And how you always smelt like flowers, but you never wore any perfume. I remember that smell…"
Peter….. I would have said something, but I was too afraid that if my mouth opened, I'd start crying. Instead I simply watched him with the widest eyes. "All those things made me remember how sweet you are, how special….." Peter's lips froze for the briefest moment. "I know it's really selfish, and I won't lie, I'm still in love with Gen… but I don't….." And his eyes finally scrolled up to meet mine. "I don't like the idea of anyone else with you either. Now I know that's super wrong and twisted!" His hands shot up in the air defensively. "But I can't lie to you… not you. That's just how I feel; the thought of you with another guy…. It's weird, you know."
A lull fell over us for a very long time. Our eyes went from looking at each other to staring off into space. Neither of us said anything but there was a lot of thinking going on. However, after what could be called an eternity, we looked at each other at the same time. My lips parted a sliver, as did his. "Peter…" "Aerity." "Thank you." "For what?" "For being honest with me." "Huh?" His mouth contorted in confusion. "Why wouldn't I be?" I replied with a smile; a genuine, warm smile. The fact that he would even ask me this…. "Are you mad at me? I mean, do you never want to talk to me again?" And my head shook; I already knew the answer without thinking. "Ok! So then…." Peter's hand ran through his head. "Does this mean we're officially friends again?" "Yes; yes Peter…" "Huh," and I watched as a grin grew in the corner of his mouth.
"Well, can we start with me driving you home, Aerity?" "Sure," we got up in unison and I grabbed my backpack. Josh's bracelet went back into my bag. "But I gotta say, men in Europe don't "take" ladies anywhere. They escort them," I added with a smile. Peter blinked then mirrored my content expression. "Fine. Then I'll escort you home, Covey." "Better," I said as we walked out to his jeep.