James spent a very uncomfortable night. His fall in the common room had probably triggered something in the magical wounds stretching across his chest because no matter which way he turned or which side he laid on, pain seemed to bounce off his ribs, dance on his collarbones and spread all the way to his hip. There was nothing he could do but lay in the dark and grin his teeth, kicking the covers off the bed before putting them back on every five minutes.
When the sun finally rose, James had barely gotten an hour of sleep. Getting up and going to class sounded like agony but he couldn't let his friends and classmates suspect anything. So he drew the curtains off his bed with his usual energy, and forced himself to turn his wince into a smile.
Their Wednesday mornings started with Potions, which could have left James feeling happier if it wasn't for the fact that it was a class they had in common with Slytherin. Nevertheless, he tried to find comfort in the fact that he would see Lily, and that thought immediately made him feel better. The butterflies in his stomach came back and suddenly the pain took a back seat in his mind.
Even if she didn't realize it in the moment, she had called him James, and for him, being on a first-name basis with Lily constituted a major development in their new and vulnerable somewhat friendship. Biting his lip, James remembered he had not told his friend about the conversation he had had with her. How could he, without mentioning that she saw that he was hurt, and that she had cared enough to ask about it? No, he definitely couldn't tell them. All he could do was repeating the moment in his head, over and over again. Wishing to be stuck in the instant.
When he entered the dark classroom, surrounded by his best friends all laughing to something he hadn't listened to, he felt a tug in his stomach upon seeing Lily. She had twisted her hair up into a bun and a few wavy strands had escaped her hair tie to rest gently on the back of her neck. She was sitting on the edge of a table, flicking pages of her book with her wand. It took a lot of effort from James to look away from her and turn back to the Marauders.
"I said would you partner up with me today Prongs?" asked Peter, looking up at his friend expectantly.
"Yeah sure, Pete," answered James absentmindedly. "Let's go seat over there, there's tons of room and Slughorn won't see us talking," he continued, dragging Peter to a table neighboring Lily's.
"Slughorn adores you, because of your dad," grumbled Peter. "You could blow up ten Dungbombs under his nose and he would still call you his favourite student. You wanted to sit here to be closer to Evans, you can be honest about it."
Peter seemed really displeased about their sitting arrangements and James looked back behind him to see what was making his friend so unhappy. Snape was approaching Lily with his usual shark like smile. They greeted each other with a hug and James felt another tug in his stomach, a much different one from earlier. In his euphoria to see Lily, he had completely forgot who her potion partner had always been.
"Well, at least his hair looks a bit less greasy than usual, maybe he showered sometime this month," whispered James to Peter, who smiled, all grumpiness forgotten.
"Given the smell, I doubt it," he answered.
"Oh give the guy a break, it can't be easy everyday to be a bat pretending to be human."
Peter laughed and admitted defeat. Battles in which they tried to outdo each other in insulting Snape had been a game since they all met in first year, and even though Remus was the indisputable champion, James was not far behind in the second place. Sirius lacked the concentration and Peter the creativity but it was still a fun way to blow out steam.
Slughorn entered the room with the usual bounciness in his step and opened wide arms to his class, eyes skimming across the room.
"How wonderful, it seems as though everyone is here!" he said, wearing a smile with too many teeth. "Miss Evans it was delightful to see you at our latest Club meeting, I wish to see you there more often! Oh and my favourite student, Mr. Potter, I do hope to see you there too one day, when your busy Quidditch schedule allows!"
James's smile was so fake he felt like he might pull a muscle in his jaw, but he relaxed as soon as he saw Snape fuming behind Lily, probably jealous that he never got an invitation.
"Today we are tackling the Draught of Peace," continued Slughorn. "Can anyone tell me about the effects of such a potion?"
James raised his hand lazily. His father was a very skilled potion-maker and had been preparing this potion to counter with James' anxiety for a few years, and now that he was older it wasn't rare that he delegated to his son.
"It relieves anxiety and agitation and prevents panic attacks."
"Very good Mr. Potter! What can you tell me about the side effects?"
James smiled. Mastering the potion had been a trial and error process which had made him a little too familiar with the side effects of the Draught.
"There are none if the potion is correctly made, but adding too much of the ingredients can provoke a very deep sleep, permanent in the worst cases."
"Excellent! Ten points to Gryffindor!"
James bowed and Lily rolled her eyes.
Slughorn flicked his wand and the instructions appeared on the black board while the doors to the ingredient cabinet flung open.
"You have half an hour in duos to prepare me a perfect Draught of Peace. I want your phials, with your names on it on my desk by the end of class. Those who fail to bring me a perfect potion will have to write an essay on the different uses of the Draught in Wizarding medicine. Good luck everyone!"
Peter rushed to the cabinet to get the ingredients while James made space on the already cluttered desk and cleaned up the cauldron. He couldn't help but notice that neither Snape nor Lily had moved, and that they were leaning towards each other in an apparently very animated and quiet discussion. Pretending to adjust his brass scales, James moved over to get closer to them in order to try to make out what they were saying.
"I don't have to tell you about everything I do and everywhere I go!" Lily's tone was rushed and annoyed, despite the fact that she was whispering.
"I didn't say that, I just thought that you would have asked me to go as your.. you know, as your plus one."
James nearly dropped his scale but fortunately neither Snape nor Lily were paying any attention to him. Peter was just coming back, his arms filled with ingredients and James helped him laying them all on the table while shooting him a look he knew Peter would understand: 'Serious drama happening behind, don't talk I'm trying to listen'. Peter nodded in understanding and James smiled at him thankfully. He would never have had this kind of endorsement from Sirius or Remus. One would have pushed him to intervene and the other would have begged him to steer clear of the quarrelling pair.
"Sev, I didn't ask you because I knew you would hate it. I went with Mary, I didn't think it was a big deal!"
"Mary? Mary Macdonald? Lily, she's a... a muggleborn!"
James' eyebrows rose in surprise and it was everything he could do to not turn around and tell Snape off himself.
"And so am I Severus," Lily's tone was cold as ice now and James held back a smile. "Mary is my best friend, just as much as you are. And you have no right to have a problem with that."
"I don't, I'm just.. I was surprised, that's all." There was an uncomfortable pause in which neither Snape nor Lily said anything. "I'm gonna go get the stuff we need," Severus added finally.
He walked away and James thought about turning around and bring his support to Lily but decided against it at the last moment. She was clearly upset and there was no reason for him to just waltz into a conversation he wasn't a part of.
Barely looking up at the board, he started adding the ingredients needed and stirring the potion until he obtained a perfect light blue colour.
"Have you done this with your dad?" asked Peter, looking rather impressed.
"Once or twice," replied James, passing a hand through his hair, embarrassed. He didn't like to talk about his anxiety or the fact that he sometimes needed this potion to sleep. His friends saw him as courageous and unafraid, a real Gryffindor. He hated to admit that it wasn't always true. He could hardly admit it to himself.
He added the powdered moonstone and focused on his stirring to keep his mind off it. If he wanted to be honest with Peter, he would have told him he had done this a thousand times before, in his dad's office, where the sunlight hit the window just right so you could see the dust particles floating around the room, where everything was peaceful and quiet.
"Are you sure you added enough? It's not the right colour!"
The whispers came from the desk just behind them and once again James resisted turning around to help. He looked for Remus and finally spotted him, arguing playfully with Sirius, just a couple of tables in front of them. Moony would have wanted him to mind his own business, so that's what he was going to do.
"Why is it red? Wasn't it supposed to be blue? Lily what do we do?"
Incapable of sitting still any longer, James turned around to face Snape. He tried not to look at Lily for too long, worried he might forget how to speak properly if he did.
"Did you stir it clockwise? Because if you did and there's not enough moonstone, it might take a little longer for it to turn blue."
Lily rose an eyebrow but said nothing, while Snape seemed to be in an intense debate with himself on what would be the best way to kill James. He seemed to have settled on crushing, because he grabbed his mortar and pestle so hard his joints turned white. James raised both of his hand apologetically.
"Sorry! Couldn't help but overhear!" he said with a wince. "But if you stir it counter-clockwise and heat it up just a little bit more you should be good!"
"Why would we ever take your advice?" Snape finally snarled.
James shrugged and went back to his own cauldron, but he didn't miss the fact that Lily looked seriously pissed off at Snape.
"Sev! He was just trying to be nice!"
"Well I just don't believe him."
"Though luck because I do. So get to stirring while I work on the fire. I really don't want to write the essay."
James hid his grin in the smoke of his potion. Ruffling up his hair one more time, he let the steam fog up his glasses, like he always did when he was a kid playing in his dad's office.
"You look insane."
"Love you too Pete."
"Just being honest mate."
Tuning out the sounds around him, James tried to calm down his heart rate and not smile so hard, to not anger Severus any more than he already had. While he waited for his potion to go from purple to pink, he realized that it was the first time Lily had given him reason over her slithery and greasy best friend. It was a real occasion to celebrate.
"Does it look like purple to you?"
"More like greenish..."
Hearing the hushed conversation behind them, James and Peter exchanged a glance. Without a word, James added the syrup of hellebore to their potion while Peter stuck out his chest, obviously very proud of their perfect looking Draught.
"Is it supposed to be this thick?" Snape's voice was a strange mixture of fake confidence and worry.
James looked at Peter desperately, and his friend rolled his eyes at him but nodded, allowing him to intervene. That was all James needed to turn around.
"Don't worry about the thickness for now, it only gets important towards the last parts," he said, this time looking decidedly at Lily. After the terrible night he had spent, he didn't have the patience to deal with Snape's irritability. "Which step are you on?"
"We're supposed to be adding the moonstone until it turns purple," answered Lily gratefully. "I don't understand why it's not working, I'm usually good at this sort of stuff."
"You are," replied James immediately, "But this one is tricky and it takes a lot of practice to get it right."
Lily smiled and Snape reacted instantly.
"No one asked you," he said sharply. "We can do this on our own."
James' blood boiled. He had barely slept and spent his entire morning trying to ignore the pain in his chest. Pain that could have been avoided if Snape had just helped him fight off the wolf instead of running away on his own.
"She certainly can but I doubt it's your case," James snapped. "When's the last time you brewed a potion that was merely acceptable, Snivellus?"
"James!" Lily looked furious. "Don't talk to him like that!"
Profoundly pissed off, at himself, Lily and most of all Severus, James went back to his table and promised himself it was the last time he ever tried to help anyone. He bent down to take his book from his bag and slammed it on the desk, making Peter jump.
Shaking the powdered porcupine quills with his left hand, he scratched out a few angry notes on his copy of Advanced Potion Making with his right hand. He already had plenty of notes covering the Draught of Peace, mostly advice from his father or elements he had discovered himself, but more information didn't hurt. 'Potion turns green and thick when stirred by douchebag' he wrote in a barely readable scribble.
"Why do you have this?" The annoying voice rose again from behind him. "It's a NEWTs book. We haven't taken our OWLs yet."
James turned back once again. All this back and forth was starting to make him feel dizzy, and the movements were starting to take a toll on his upper body. His left arm felt weirdly numb from the shoulder down and he realized too late he had dropped the porcupine quills on the ground.
"How observant of you. Pay that much attention to your own desk and you may finally do something above mediocre."
"James!" Lily's eyes were closed and she was massaging her temples with her palms. She looked maybe even angrier that the two boys if it was possible. "Don't fall to his level. And he's right, we don't need that book for our OWLs."
James shrugged.
"It was my dad's. I'm just trying to get a head start for next year."
Snape's gaze drifted to the book in question and lingered on the scribbles covering every margin and blank spaces. Noticing the look of envy, James snapped the book shut and threw it back into his bag.
"Oh." Lily's voice had considerably soften. "I didn't know you had any interest in studying. Or being serious about anything in general."
"Oh no you're probably confused, I'm not serious, I'm James," he answered with a large smile. "Sirius is the guy with the long black hair."
Lily bit her lip to hold in a laugh and James beamed at her. Snape looked so angry James was prepared to see smoke coming out of his ears any second. The bell rang and James suddenly remembered his own potion which he had completely neglected. He turned back in such a hurry he almost yelped in pain, but his Draught was a perfect white, and emitting its characteristic light silver vapour. Peter had saved the day once again.
"Thanks Wormy, sorry I didn't help."
Peter dismissed his apologies with a wave of the hand and headed to the front of the class to turn in their phials while James cleared the desk and emptied their cauldron. He felt guilty to have spent so much time focusing on what was happening on the table behind them instead of helping his best friend with their shared assignment. He was determined to make it up to Peter.
Ignoring deliberately Lily, Snape and the pain in his chest, James threw his bag on his shoulder and walked out of the room, following his friend. Peter had already caught up with Sirius and Remus and the three of them were laughing ahead.
"James wait!"
He stopped dead in his tracks. He still wasn't used to hearing his name in Lily's voice, and if he was being honest, he couldn't imagine a more beautiful sound.
"What's up Evans?"
Lily caught up with him and copied his pace.
"I'm sorry about Severus," she said quickly, looking behind her shoulder to check he wasn't following them. "He's been going through a lot, and he's usually much nicer I promise."
James forced himself to laugh. He didn't see how this could be anything but a joke.
"He is!" she insisted. "And I seriously need you to stop taunting him."
"Taunting him?" James' eyebrows furrowed in confusion and he felt anger slowly rise in him. All he had tried to do in this class was being helpful, and Snape was the one who had started everything with his contemptuous tone. And he could barely feel his fingertips.
"Well, he's jealous about your potion skills, he's obviously not as good as you but you don't need to rub it in his face. So just... leave him alone, will you?"
James shook his head and chuckled. Lily was apparently blind to the real issue between the two boys.
"You really think that's all he's jealous of?" he asked in the most nonchalant way he could, looking straight at Lily to read her expression.
"What else?" Lily shrugged.
"Nevermind," James smiled. She looked sincere. "I have to go, will you tell Flitwick I'll be late for class?"
He had stopped at an intersection, just after the stairs coming up from the dungeons.
"Depends. Where are you going?" asked Lily suspiciously.
"Infirmary, ma'am prefect," answered James with a bow that made him wince. "Am I allowed?"
Lily rolled her eyes before waking away.
"Piss off."
James laughed. Being with Lily made the pain feel less intense, and deep down he had hoped she would have walked him to the infirmary. He tried telling himself that it was because he needed the distraction but it wasn't true. He needed her.
His feet carried him straight to the infirmary but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn't stop thinking about Lily and her hair, her eyes, her words. She was so incredibly strong and so beautifully humble. Both frightening and breathtaking. He couldn't believe his luck that they had been growing closer. Of course, they were probably far from being friends, but they were no longer strangers. And it was the most wonderful feeling of all.
James was standing in front of Madam Pomfrey before he could realize it.
"Something wrong my boy?" she asked, getting up from her chair behind her desk.
The nurse had been much kinder to him ever since he had been hurt by the wolf. She slid him a piece of chocolate every time he came to the infirmary to visit Remus after the full moons. James thought she probably pitied him and his permanent scars, and it bothered him at first but he tried not to think about it too much.
"Erh I can't really feel my arm," shrugged James, and the pain the simple movement had provoked made him grin his teeth.
Madam Pomfrey rushed to his side and carefully patted his chest, first with her hand then with her wand. After a few minutes, she shook her head and sighed.
"I'm sorry my dear, but it's very common with magical scars, especially this size. There will be relapses in the pain and unfortunately there is not much I can do to prevent it."
She grabbed James' valid arm with an iron grip and led him firmly to a nearly bed.
"Except force you to get some rest and give you something to help with the soreness."
Her tone was commanding and James didn't have enough strength left in him to argue. He slid under the covers and brought them up to his chin while the nurse rushed to her office to grab the Sleeping Draught.
Waiting for her, James pulled his school bag onto the bed and started looking for his copy of Advanced Potion-Making. His bag was a mess of broken quills and inked stained crumpled up parchments, but it only took him a few seconds to realize his book was not there.
Sitting up suddenly, James tried to remember precisely everything he did leading up to this moment. He closed his eyes to focus, and after playing everything back in his head, he was forced to admit that his first intuition was right.
Snape stole his manual. Ironically, he probably did so while Lily told James what a nice guy he really way. A simple attraction spell mixed with the perfect distraction.
Madam Pomfrey put the Sleeping Draught on the night table next to him, and in this moment, the pain was so intense James had no other choice but to accept his fate and fall in a dreamless drowse.