"Forget everything for two minutes."
I had just got back from the store with a bunch of cake mixes and cans of icing. Back in junior and high school, I loved to bake….. then I moved to Europe and lost all my baking utensils. Baking is so much less fun when you have no books or equipment to bake with. So six years later, here we are; I lost my passion for baking over the years, which is normal. I know you're probably sick of me talking about "in your twenties" by now but come on; real talk, it's all true. People lose and gain new hobbies in their adult life. For example, I don't like baking anymore, but I now love origami- something I had zero interest in in high school. Instead of making everything from scratch like I used to, I now use and love cake mixes; particularly because you can make them with literally no equipment.
I was just about to get started on my first batch of cupcakes when all of a sudden….. Ring, ring! My phone started vibrating on the counter. Margot's face came up. Margot? Huh! She hasn't called me in weeks; I wonder how she's doing. I answered without hesitation. "Hi, sis!" "Hey, hi, Aerity! Sorry it's been so long; I've been… dealing with stuff." "Say no more," I grinned. "I get it." "Yeah, I knew you would," I could feel Margot's smile from my side of the line. "
"I just wanted to check in and see how everything's going. How's the visa application coming?" "Good! I sent it in three weeks ago." "Great! Did you have any issues?" "Well, no; no, I wouldn't say. Just a long wait." "I hear that," she laughed. "But enough about me. How's Vancouver?!" "Hot and humid, but very lovely. I wish you were here; you'd love it." "Eh, that's ok; I got a lot to do here." "Good… so how's everyone doing?" "Alright; Kitty and Daddy are enjoying the nice spring weather." "That's good…. and how's….. Josh doing?"
This made me pause for a moment and stare down at my phone. That's right! Josh left after Margot; she doesn't know that's he's not here. What should I….. "It's just so hard to be here right now. Everything reminds me of her when I'm trying to forget." What should I say? "Hello? Aerity?" Margot's voice broke my train of thought, making me flinch softly. "Huh?! Sorry. He's uh… well, I haven't seen him a while, to be honest." There was a quick pause. "What do you mean you haven't seen him? He lives next door; plus he's your best friend. You two haven't been apart for more than a day since you moved to Europe." Haven't been apart….. My eyes lowered a tad. That's true…. I'd forgotten how long it's been….. Out of nowhere my chest suddenly began to tighten.
Another lapse in the conversation flew over us. "He… went away for the month. He said he'd take a page from your book and get over you…. your relationship in a healthy way." "Oh," I detected a hint of disappointment in Margot's voice. "So…. he hasn't contacted you at all since he left?" "Well…" My gaze wandered over to one of the roses still left alive from the bouquet. "Sort of, I guess." Yet another intermission. "Are you ok, Aerity?" My sister finally asked; her tone was more worried now than anything. This caught me by surprise; why wouldn't I be ok? "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" "Do you….. miss Josh? I mean you two were inseparable for so long….. This must be hard for you." Hard for me? My eyes widened. Hard for me….
My lips parted a sliver, but nothing came out. No appropriate response came to mind; nothing came to mind. I just continued to gawk down at my phone with my mouth hanging open. Strange…. Eventually, after a silent moment or two, my conscious started to return in full force. It's been almost a month since Josh left; one month…. and I hadn't….. I guess I wasn't paying attention to the time. Not since…..
A wave of acute guilt and alarm hit me like a title wave. What the hell was wrong with me?! Josh was my best friend; the one who'd been with me through thick and thin. How could I….? I felt like I was going to burst out into tears and that's when I knew I had to end the phone call. "Aerity? Hey, sis; you ok?" "Sorry, Margot. I gotta go!" My hand reached up to cover my mouth. What kind of horrible person am I? Josh left and I just moved on with life…. despite the fact that… "Whoa, hey, Aerity!" Before she could say more, my free hand hung up on her. Then it rolled up into a ball and lifted to rest on my chest.
The truth is that over the past month, I actually hadn't thought about Josh that much; not since Peter and I…. But I still carried his beads everywhere; they never left my side. Looking over to my bag, I immediately went to fetch them. Pulling them out, I held them up in front of me and sat down on the edge of my bed. Why? If I don't think about Josh, then why do I still even carry these? What's the reason? There had to be one; I wouldn't just do it for no purpose. But what was it? My fingers curled around the bracelet. An endless stream of memories started to play through my mind like a movie. Josh and I when we were little, playing outside together…. Josh…. Him moving to Europe with me and Margot….. Josh… The look on his face when Margot asked him about the plane ticket… oh, Josh….. He and Margot kissing. Josh! Him spending all those nights in my room with me, holding my hand…. I'm sorry, Josh… "Never; I'll never leave you, as long as you need me." Josh…. Josh catching me in his arms in Paris. "It's ok; I'm here. No one can hurt you now, I'm here." Josh. Him holding my hand, pressing his forehead into mine. "Please, let me keep you. Please be the one thing I never have to worry about losing."
With tears now streaming down my face, I gave a little hiccup. It's clear now…. I'm afraid; I must be afraid….. My lips parted slightly so I could breathe. I'm afraid that I'm really….. in love with Josh. I can't let myself think about him; I can't because….. A part of me is also afraid that I might be falling for Peter as well. But wait, that's not right; I don't love Peter, that's….. impossible. Josh, on the other hand….. Still weeping soundly, my head fell onto my pillow and my eyes shut. Soon blissful darkness overcame me, and I found myself drifting out of this world- off to somewhere far, far away where these worries couldn't find me. Far, far away….
I was in one of my favorite places in the world: Versailles. Although Paris was by no means spotless in my memories, I still harboured warm, affectionate feelings for the city. Versailles was the first palace I'd ever seen; I didn't know places like these existed. Well, of course I knew but it only truly became real when I was there in person. Where I was at the current moment was a section of the palace called the Hall of Mirrors. It was empty, much like the day I first visited Versailles. After looking over myself in one of the mirrors, I scanned all around my surroundings. Then I crossed the ballroom floor over to one of the massive windows overseeing the extensive gardens outside. Now I know this was a dream, but I was startled to hear something, or someone come up from behind me.
"It's been a while, Miss Covey." Immediately spinning around, I saw a figure standing in one of the golden doorways across the room. It was the oddest thing; my head tilted a little in confusion. I knew it was a man; I could tell that just by looking at him. And yet his face and any defining features were obscure. Huh, that's weird; why would I dream of a man I didn't recognize or know? At first I thought it might be Peter or Josh but no… there was something about that voice though… that soft, masculine voice. I swore I've heard it before, much like Lucas's; but just like Lucas, I had no face to pin it to. Even though the man had no face- only a head and brown hair- I knew he was smiling at me. Not an evil or scary smile; just a pleasant, even enduring beam. And I wasn't afraid… for some reason, I knew there was nothing to fear from this faceless man. He was wearing a dark blue suit, which looked more like a school uniform than anything, and holding a long-stem red rose in his gloved hand. I watched as he slowly made his way across the room towards me, still grinning.
"Who are you? Are you… Peter? Josh?" The man's head shook. "Oh no. I am much, much deeper in the recesses of your mind; I'm where the sound of your mother's voice is and your first goldfish." "I had a goldfish?!" I blinked astonished. "When you were three; you accidently flushed it down the toilet." "Oh…. I have no memory of that." "I know; just like me, you have blocked it out." This made me look at him suspiciously. "How do you know that?" My tone was slightly accusing. "Because I'm the same. Memories like us are too painful for you to remember." "You're a painful memory?" My eyebrow rose. "Yes…. oh yes," to my surprise and mild alarm, a wave of sadness brushed over his featureless face. "Oh… why?" He said that but honestly, I still had no clue who this guy could be. My best guess was Josh since I was thinking about him before I passed out but still….. something about that voice; something in that voice…
"Why are you here?" I finally decided to quit waffling around; answers were required. "I'm here to help you….. always help you." "Are you….. my guardian angel?" My eyes grew. His grin returned and his head shook kindly. "No, we've met before; a long time ago. You used to dream about me all the time actually." "Really? Why?" "Because when we parted, you turned your attention to Josh." "What do you mean? I used to love Josh; he wasn't a replacement for anyone. He was my first real love; Lucas was just a childhood crush, but Josh was my first…." Right? The man watched me for a long moment before responding. "I'm here because I was first, Aerity. I was your first."
My eyes widened in shock. "That's not possible; I literally have no memory of you whatsoever." He chuckled and unexpectedly held out his hand for me, keeping the rose in the other. "Forget everything for two minutes. Come, dance with me." "Dance?!" I gasped out loud. This seemed like a very weird thing for me to dream; even for me. But he didn't take "no" for an answer, taking hold of my hand and gently leading me out to the dance floor. Natasha's Waltz from War and Peace 1956 started playing from out of nowhere. Then seamlessly, naturally we began to waltz all around the ballroom. It sounds like a scene right out of a fairy tale but what can I say? I love classic literature.
This man, we stared at each other silently for the longest time as we danced. He was like no one I'd ever met before; the definition of charming and loveliness. Peter and Josh were wonderful too but there was something about him. He was like a prince one would read about in novels; practically European. And yet, the whole time I couldn't shake the feeling that I knew that voice from somewhere. From where, I still had no clue….. no idea. Neither of us said anything for the entire waltz; it really felt like there wasn't much to say. But near the end, we came to a pause and continued to watch each other with fixed eyes. Though I couldn't see it, I knew a warm, affectionate smile bloomed across his lips.
"You always wanted to dance in France when we were younger." "I didn't know I could dance!" His grin widened. "We'll do it in person, someday." "We will?!" My eyes grew in disbelief. Just who was this guy exactly?! But I didn't ask; for some unexplainable reason, I didn't ask. I merely continued to gaze up at him while keeping his hand in mine. "Why here? Why now, of all times?" He took his time to answer, again. "You haven't dreamed of me in many years. It's been so long that you've forgotten my face. But I haven't forgotten you; I could never do that." This man….. "You…. you didn't answer my question," my voice was much softer, tender this time.
He smiled at me; he smiled….. "I've come because you need comfort, and you can't turn to your usual source of relief. I'm here because you need me….. you needed to remember me, even if for an hour." "W-what do you mean?" I was almost afraid to ask. "Your beautiful voice…." Instead of answering, he sighed. "All words sound supreme when you speak." Boy, did my cheeks blush. I'd heard romantic things before but this….. "Since the day I've met you, I've been your humble and faithful servant, Miss Covey," he suddenly lifted my hand up to his lips for a kiss. He… he kissed my hand! My eyes grew so large. Only one other guy had ever done that before…. I don't remember who, but I knew that someone had; only one. And he leaned in closer to me. Our eyes met for the last time. "Peter may be your Mr. Darcy, but I am your Andrei Bolkonsky. We will have our time together; not yet but soon….. soon." "Please…." I had to remind myself to breathe again and again. "Tell me your name. I need to know your name." "My name is Jo-…"
"Aerity!" Kitty hollered up the stairs. My bedroom door was opened so her loud shrill came echoing in. My head shifted as I started to come to. I had fallen asleep on top of my covers; my hand had accidently dropped Josh's bracelet onto the floor. "Aerity! Are you up?! You gotta start baking! It's almost five!" Baking? I rubbed the rest of the sleep out of my eyes. Oh yeah! I was supposed to bake cupcakes…. My eyes opened slowly as I lowered my hand. I remember…
For some reason, I woke up feeling much better; like I was consoled, if that doesn't sound crazy. I knew I'd dreamt about someone; I didn't remember who, probably Peter or Josh. But for some unexplainable reason, I felt a ton better. Happy even. I didn't remember my dreams; I stopped remembering my dreams when I was ten. But I don't think that mattered. It wasn't a bad dream; I did know that. The important thing now was that I felt much better and could get on with my baking. The only thing that was odd however, was that I really wanted to watch Tolstoy's War and Peace again. Huh, I hadn't thought about that book in years; I wonder what brought that up?