My favorite song of all time is Plaisir d'Amour by Nana Mouskouri. My favorite genre is 1930s French love songs. Weird? Maybe, but there was just something about them. I discovered Edith Piaf and other such singers when I was in France; no surprise that the most romantic music in the world would come out of the most romantic country. Maybe I reason I love them so much is because deep down- deep, deep down- I was still a classic romantic. But forget those cheesy "love stories" I used to read in high school, and don't even mention Fifty Shades in my presence. No, I was Jane Austen and Leo Tolstoy all the way. I wanted my life to be a little less Twilight and a little more Pride and Prejudice, with my very own Mr. Darcy.
Mr. Darcy….. I rolled over to my side on my bed, now facing the wall. Kitty said I had two Mr. Darcys: Peter and Josh. My eyes scrolled over to one of the roses left from the two-dozen bouquet I received a month ago; it was nicely preserved in my room, hanging upside down by a piece of string. I couldn't bear to part with all of them; I needed to keep one, just one. My eyes gently shut as a faceless figure flashed through my mind. He was wearing a suit and holding a long-stem red rose in his hand. It was for the briefest of seconds, but I couldn't help but feel like I'd seen this image somewhere before. It looked like he was standing in Versailles of all places, in the Hall of Mirrors…..
My eyes slowly reopened as the image immediately faded from my mind. I couldn't see his face but I assumed it was supposed to be…. My lips parted a tad. Josh… Again, somehow without noticing, time passed by so quickly. The month went by so fast, I neglected to keep track of the days. I wonder why? Well, I knew actually; it was because I was spending so much time with Peter. He made the days blur together into one endless stretch, going far off into the distance. He did that, but…. My eyes lowered softly. What would it be like going forward? Time can't keep going like this, can it? Sooner or later, it has to slow down, doesn't it? It must, and it will when….
I rolled onto my back to stare up at the roof; no, I didn't want to finish that thought. Why do I feel uneasy like this? He's only been gone a month. A part of me- an undeniable part- can't wait to see him again. But another part of me… Why? Why am I feeling anxious to see Josh again? Am I that afraid things have changed? Do I feel guilty that I've been so happy this month without him here? The back of my hand rose to rest on my forehead. Or really….. am I actually afraid to see him again, knowing that there's the possibility that I might have feelings for him? Would I rather go on not knowing like this? It's definitely easier, especially considering the situation with Peter. But then, it's not like that was a real relationship either. Ugh! When did this all get so confusing?! I was so easy romance-wise for six straight years and then all of a sudden- Blam! Big pile of hot, steaming confusion.
What am I going to say when I see Josh again? When I hear his voice? My heart skipped a beat at the very thought. I'm going to have to tell him about me and Peter, obviously. But is that all? I guess I'm going to have to explain the letter he received too…. He's probably going to want to know how I feel now. The only problem is that I don't know how I feel, and…. and I'm scared. What if I see him and sparks suddenly go flying? What if I see him and feel nothing? That made my stomach lurch. Somehow the latter almost seemed worse. I had feelings for Peter; that was pretty apparent to me by now. But a part of me- a considerable portion of my heart- was still tied to Josh. What just reminded now was to find out if that was a platonic or romantic part of my heart?
"The joys of love are but a moment long," I quietly sang to myself as I turned back to my side. "The pain of love endures the whole life long…" Josh….. I first heard this song when we were in France together; you, me, and Margot. It was always the three of us; we went everywhere together. That's how I thought it would always be… that's how I wanted it to be. "Your eyes kissed mine, I saw the love in them shine." Why? Why did things have to be so different now? Why couldn't have everything just stayed the way it was? I know I'm too old to be thinking like that, but I couldn't help it. I didn't know how I loved Josh, besides being my best friend, and I was terrified of ruining absolutely everything again. "You brought me heaven right there when your eyes kissed mine."
In that moment, something lightly tapped my window. I lifted my upper body up to look, only to see darkness. But then, to my surprise another tap followed. Slowly, I got off my bed and made my way over to the window. The joys of love are but a moment long. My hand unlocked it, pushing it open. The pain of love endures the whole life long. Looking out, I first scanned around at eye level, then looked down. My eyes widened as my heart started to instantly flutter; it was beating so hard that I worried it might fly out of my chest.
It was Josh! He was standing silently below my windowsill, smiling brilliantly up at me. The next few seconds were kind of a blur. Like a sign out of a movie, I found myself racing downstairs before I even knew I was moving. After our first month apart in six full years, I wasn't expecting to feel like this. I didn't know how I was feeling in that moment. All I knew is that I needed to be where he was. One look and I needed to go to him. Within seconds, the front door burst open and without even time to examine each other, I was in Josh's arms. He held me so tight- so tight.
Neither of us said anything for a long time, just simply standing there holding one another in the streetlamp light. Words cannot describe how good it felt to be in his embrace once again. So warm, so secure….. I could practically feel Josh shut his eyes as our cheeks rubbed together. We were like that for a while, but it didn't seem longer than a few seconds. Josh just kept his strong arms wrapped around me as we gently swayed back and forth a little. Josh! My own eyes pressed shut, soaking up the experience in totality. Josh, you've come back! Your eyes kissed mine, I saw the love in them shine. "I'm sorry," he finally broke the silence some time later, still holding onto me closely, attentively "I'm so sorry, Aerity." I didn't say anything back, just burying my face into his shoulder. You brought me heaven right there when your eyes kissed mine.
I didn't realize at the time what I was doing, but I would later. Oh boy, would I. It would all happen when I looked at Peter and….