To say that going back to school was hard would be a euphemism.
On the platform 9 ¾ at King Cross, everywhere James looked he saw tears. From students to parents, families huddled together, saying their goodbyes as if it was the last.
In all this sadness and in all this omnipresent, suffocating fear, James' eyes were struggling to stay dry.
"Hogwarts is the safest place to be baby," said Euphemia reassuringly, "Don't be afraid, you and your friends will be just fine."
"I know that, mum," sighed James, pretending to look at the steam from the train so she wouldn't see his tears. "It's not me I'm worried about though. I'm worried about you guys. Do you promise me you and dad wont be reckless and go on a senseless chase for that 'dark lord' and his friends?"
"Look who's talking," smiled Euphemia, ruffling up her son's hair with one hand. "If someone here should be advised not to be reckless it would be you darling."
"Good point," said James, finally swallowing up his tears to tear his gaze away from the sky. "Hopefully Moony manages to control me this year."
"Hopefully so," replied his mom with a small, sad smile.
She then turned to Sirius and hugged him tightly. From where he stood, James could clearly see his friend's smile and witness the stress melt away from his shoulders. Hugs from loving moms have a tendency to provoke that reaction and Sirius unfortunately hadn't experienced a lot of them.
Euphemia took Sirius's face in between her palms and made him promise he would write every week. James had trouble recalling a moment when his friend had seemed more grateful or more moved.
A loud whistle echoed in the platform and heartbreaking sobs from a few parents broke out. James bit his lip. Going back to Hogwarts had never been this painful.
After what happened in Diagon Alley, a letter had been sent to all the students, informing them that the Hogwarts Express was delayed and would depart a week later than the previous years. As well as being a welcomed holidays extension, it allowed everyone to spend more precious time with their families.
A great majority of the people present in Diagon Alley at the time were indeed students accompanied by their loved ones, and all had been extremely shocked. A little boy who was going to be a first year at Hogwarts as well as several shoppers and shopkeepers were still in intensive care at St Mungo's Hospital. As far as James could tell from the numerous articles in the Daily Prophet, no one had been arrested yet.
The atmosphere reigning in the wizarding world for the past two weeks was one of fear. No one left their homes alone, and Aurors recommended surrounding one's house with as much protective charms and spells as possible.
"Be safe boys," said Fleamont in a low raspy voice.
"You too dad," answered James while Sirius nodded.
A second whistle, louder this time, drilled into their ears and reverberated in the station. It was their signal to move.
"Go on boys, don't make the train wait," said Fleamont as he pushed them away from him gently.
James didn't have the heart to point out that the station was still full of people and that barely half of the students were in the train already despite the warning of the train's conductor.
He dragged his suitcase on the ground and helped Sirius carry his own on the train. Blowing a last kiss to his parents, James started their quest for the compartment where Peter was probably waiting for them already, Remus being held back in the prefect compartment at the head of the train.
They found Peter quickly enough, or rather Peter's butt, as he was bent in half through the open window of the carriage, waving goodbye to his parents like a madman and quite unnecessarily, considering the train wasn't moving.
Sirius smiled, in a fond but also rather mocking way, and carried his index to his lips to ask James to be silent. He furtively approached Peter from behind and without warning closed the window on him. He didn't do it so violently that Peter was hurt, but just enough so that he was well stuck.
Peter kicked his feet in the air, shrieking and squirming, not unlike a rat caught in a trap, and James who had been biting his cheeks busted in laughter alongside with Sirius.
"Padfoot? Prongs? Let me out! Please!" Peter protested as James rushed to open the window, wiping away happy tears.
Sirius always knew how to relieve pressure and was always the best at making James forget about his constant underlying anxiety. Once Peter had both of his feet of the ground and smoothed his clothes with his palms he consented to laugh a bit with his best friends.
"You're both idiots," he smiled.
"At your service," bowed Sirius before sprawling on the seat behind him, quickly imitated by James.
They caught up with Peter and what he had been up to for the past two weeks, carefully avoiding the subject of what happened the last time they saw each other. Time flew by and before they knew it, the train was in motion and departing the station.
Barely a couple of minutes later, Remus joined them, his curly hair messier than usual and his school uniform seemingly wet around his shoulders.
"Do not go out there," he said, his back against the door, a terrified look on his face. "It's a nightmare. Crying first years everywhere. Don't get me wrong, I love kids but I prefer them dry of any face related fluids."
"Fluids? What are you, a nerd?" laughed Sirius, pulling his boyfriend on the seat closest to him. "Just say snot like a normal person."
They all laughed, even if it seemed a bit forced considering the dozen of sobbing eleven years old right behind the door of their compartment.
"Oh and Prongs?"
"Yes, Moony?"
"Lily was looking for you out there, so you should probably go and find her. But also don't tell her I'm here or she'll make me help her with the crying first years."
James stood up as if he had been sitting on a spring, his stomach in his throat. Perhaps after five years of being in the same school and the same house as Lily he should be used to seeing her by now, but he truly wasn't.
Five years of getting sweaty palms at the simple idea of running into her in a hallway. Five years of hiding his anxiety and insecurities behind a rock solid wall of self confidence. Funny how times flies.
"So which one is it, 'don't go out there' or 'go find Lily'? You're really sending me mixed signals here Moony," said James mockingly, although his hand already on the door handle made it quite clear he didn't think twice before making a decision.
He opened the door and slid in the corridor, before popping his head in the compartment a second later.
"Follow me and I'll bite your hands off."
He shut the door on Peter's sigh and Sirius's loud laughter.
James had not taken two steps yet when he realized Remus was not exaggerating. The carriage was indeed packed with terrified looking first years, grasping at their suitcases for a sense of security, looking anxiously through the glass of the compartments.
James remembered his first time on the Hogwarts Express and how nervous he had been then. He couldn't imagine what it must have been like for those kids to step on the train and leave their families in this time of war, and go somewhere they had never been before.
He tried to smile at them reassuringly as he walked down the hallway and a few of them smiled back. He finally spotted Lily further down the train, helping a minuscule looking second year with her enormous case, and talking to her in a maternal voice James had never heard from her before.
Decidedly, even after five years, Lily Evans remained full of surprises.
"What house are you in? Do you know where your friends are?" she said as she lifted the suitcase above her head as if it weighed nothing to balance it on top of several others in a corner.
"I'm in Slytherin. And I don't have friends."
Now kneeling in front of the little girl, Lily only blinked at the information but her kind smile stayed the same and James was impressed by her poker face. Unless Lily was the only Gryffindor who was in good terms with Slytherins, even during the war. Which for once wouldn't be surprising.
"You'll make some. I promise," she said, with the same sweet and maternal voice. "Now go find somewhere to sit and wait for the trolley witch to come by, okay?"
James could have sworn he had seen her slip a couple of Sickles in the girl's pocket before getting up.
"You were looking for me, Evans?" he asked, approaching her with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, like he had seen Sirius do before.
"Yes! And now I'm also looking for Remus, I seem to have lost him. Do you know where he is?"
"Ahem, hum, yes," answered James, embarrassed. "He's uh... out there, drying the tears of small children! You'd be proud."
Lily rolled her eyes despite her faint smile.
"He's hiding from me, isn't he?"
"Very much so."
"God, I knew it," Lily grunted. "Emotions aren't really his strong suit as I've noticed."
James raised both of his eyebrows. He certainly hadn't noticed.
"Anyway, here's your wand," she continued, taking James's wand out of an inside pocket of her leather jacket. "I know you wanted me to keep it, even at home where I have no use for it. It was nice of you."
James shrugged to hide the jolt of energy that ran through his body the second he put his hand on his wand, still covered in Lily's magic.
"Your parents are Muggles. If for some reason the Death Eaters had found your house, you would have had no real way to defend your family and yourself against them. I already told you back then. You know I was right."
By 'back then' James meant the moment when Euphemia had brought them both back to Godric's Hollow and had treated their injuries before taking Lily back to her parents and explaining the situation to them. Right before leaving, Lily had tried once again to give his wand back to James but he had refused categorically.
"You're right," sighed Lily. "And me having a wand did reassure my parents and my sister, so thank you."
"Do you have a new one?"
Lily nodded and showed him.
"It's practically the same as my old one. Willow wood and unicorn hair Ollivander said."
"Ollivander?" James exclaimed. "You went back to Diagon Alley?"
"What other choice did I have?" said Lily, shivering as if the sole thought of the memory deeply troubled her. "It was awful. So empty and silent... Almost every store on the street was closed."
James hesitated to take a step forward to get closer to her. She looked so young in this moment, almost fragile. And fragile had never been a word before used to describe Lily Evans.
"I'm sorry you had to go back," he whispered softly. "That was really brave of you. I still have nightmares about it."
"Yeah, me too," she whispered back, stepping forward to close the narrow gap between them.
"I never properly thanked you back then," she then said with a shy smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
James had never seen this expression on her face before. Perhaps it was gratefulness, an emotion that beautiful, electric Lily seemed to have trouble with in the past and now had expressed twice in a few minutes.
"You saved my life," her voice was low and James felt his heart speed race all the way to the moon and back. "Thank you for that."
"You saved mine."
"I guess we're even then," said Lily, her voice so quiet it barely audible now, although James heard her perfectly. She was so close.
"I guess so," replied James, taking a step back to catch his breath, get some air, cool down, and above everything look away from Lily's hypnotizing emerald eyes.
She smiled at him sadly and took a step back herself.
"See you around James."
She walked away without looking back.