Sat on the couch near the common room's fireplace, James was lost in his thoughts. No matter how hard he tried to focus on his potion assignment, his mind kept wandering back to his last detention. In fact, he had not been able to keep it off his mind ever since he had walked out of the room.
For hours now, he had tried to make sense of everything Lily had said. Tried to convince himself he was imagining things. Tried and failed.
No matter how many times he went back through the events in his head, he always landed on the same conclusion. Lily looked hurt. He couldn't find a reason as to why she would be but that didn't change the facts. When he told her about Marlene, she looked hurt. And this, more than anything, made James sick to his stomach.
How could he possibly say he loved her, when all he did was hurt her? How could he possibly hope to one day hold her, when he had sat in front of her and told her what he told her?
He was toxic, he realized. Prone to self-sabotage. And how good could that be to anyone?
He watched Peter, sat on the rug next to the fire, laugh genuinely to one of Sirius's jokes and for the first time, his friend's happiness didn't make him feel better. Would he one day hurt them too? He was careless, his mother had always told him he was. But until now, he had never believed his carelessness could extend to other people and their emotions. How could it? He cared, he cared so much when it came to Peter, to Sirius, to Remus. To Lily.
But it hadn't been enough. He had been careless.
As he desperately tried to stop spiraling down this abyss of dark thoughts he knew to be untrue, he realized he had been staring at a spot Peter had left for too long now.
"We've lost Prongs forever," declared Sirius. "Time to find a replacement. It's a bummer, I was just starting to warm up to him."
James poked his tongue at him, more to show his friend that he was still alive and functional than to actually replicate.
"Alright there, mate?" said Remus. "You haven't said much."
"Don't mind him," said Peter. "He was daydreaming about snogging McKinnon, I reckon."
Sirius laughed and leaned forward to high-five Peter.
"I think you mean Evans. I'm still convinced even McKinnon wasn't able to distract him from our perfect prefect."
"Yeah, James, did you ever tell us what happened with Marlene?" said Remus, suddenly looking away from his homework and turning to face James.
"No, and I'm not going to!"
His friends had been trying to get the whole story of what happened during that day at Hogsmeade and to their credit, their efforts had been valiant, but so far unsuccessful. James had promised himself he would never tell a soul. Crying during a kiss wasn't necessarily something he wanted to brag about.
"Come on!" exclaimed Sirius. "Me and Pete bet ten Galleons on who you're going to pick, Evans or McKinnon."
"You're insane. I'm not going to 'pick' a girl, I'm pretty sure they get to have a say in this too," James turned to Remus for help. "Moony, please tell me you told them it was ridiculous."
"I did, and then I bet one Galleon on Lily."
Betrayed, James raised both of his eyebrows and stared straight at the friend he thought to be the reasonable one.
"What?" Remus said, smiling. "I didn't have ten Galleons. In fact I still don't, so I would very much like to win." He looked back at James expectantly, as if waiting for him to just start handing out answers and spilling secrets.
"You guys are bullies," concluded James.
"Thank you," said Sirius with a small bow.
The three boys were just staring at him now, and James found himself backed up against a wall. Earlier in the week when his friends had confronted him with similar questions, he had easily distracted them with whatever he had in hand, sometimes a quill he tickled them with, and usually the Cloak he disappeared under. This time though, he realized as he patted down his robes discreetly, he had nothing to throw at them but words. So they would have to be perfect.
"You guys realize that Pete is just using my thing to distract you from the fact that he has a girlfriend now, right?"
"Wormy! Not cool!" exclaimed Sirius as he turned to Peter, and James thanked everything he knew for Sirius's inability to stay focused on anything for too long.
"Yeah Pete," said Remus. "I was really defending you the first week, but now you kinda just have to tell us. And don't think you're off the hook James, we'll come back to you later."
James grumbled a bit for good measure, but accepted with gratitude this second to breathe and think of an answer to provide while the others grilled Peter.
As much as he loved his friends, he didn't want to tell them about kissing Marlene and having to break her heart. He didn't want to tell them about Lily and her eyes and her hair that smelled of apples, and the way he thought he could never love anyone as much as he loved her. He didn't want them to know, because he didn't want them to see him differently. He didn't want them to see him as a guy that could just break a girl's heart and be fine. And he didn't want them to know he wasn't fine.
"You guys are the worst," whined Peter on the opposite armchair. "I'm allowed to have secrets too, you know."
"Secrets?" repeated Sirius, and he opened his arms wide at his side, almost knocking Remus's potion manual out of his hands. "I'm an open book. We're the Marauders. We don't keep secrets from each other, ever."
Remus nodded vigorously next to him, staring straight at James, who looked away, uncomfortable. Under his shirt, his silver scar tingled. He had too many secrets. And his friends didn't deserve being lied to.
"Fine, I'm dating Mary!" blurred out Peter finally, his cheeks pink with embarrassment.
His confession was met with a deafening silence amongst the group, a silence that lasted for a few seconds. James hesitated, unsure whether to congratulate his friend or not say anything to not add on to his discomfort. He settled on clapping energetically, while Sirius and Remus got up to hug Peter, whose face was now completely red.
"To be honest, we found out a long time ago, so it's not really a surprise," said Remus, letting go of the smaller boy. "But why didn't you tell us sooner? You knew we would be happy for you!"
"I didn't want you guys to make fun of me," grumbled Peter as he dragged his feet back to his seat.
"Why would we make fun of you?"
"Because she's a muggleborn and I'm a pureblood."
His voice was now so quiet James could barely hear him from the couch where he was sitting and he was forced to lean forward to make sure he had heard properly.
"Pete," said Remus softly. "Blood status isn't a thing. It's a concept constructed by people who hate Muggles, not something someone should ever be ashamed about. Of course we were not going to make fun of you because you're dating Mary!"
"Mary's one of the most powerful witches in this school," continued James. "I can promise you that her being muggleborn was not on anyone's mind. And if you're afraid about what your parents are gonna say, just remember they have a very outdated vision of the world."
"Thank you guys," whispered Peter, making himself look much smaller than he was.
"Sure thing mate."
And with one perfectly synchronized movement, Sirius and Remus turned to James, their bodies mirroring each other down the way they crossed their legs.
"Now, to Prongs."
James sighed. He knew this time he wouldn't get away with distracting them. But something had changed and he no longer wanted to hide the truth from them. He realized he hated secrets.
"What do you want to know?" he asked, ruffling up his hair nervously.
"Why you came back soaked and late at night from your date with McKinnon," said Sirius immediately.
"Why you've been so silent since your last detention with Lily," said Remus.
"And who you're choosing, Evans or McKinnon," said Peter.
"Wormy! This isn't about our bet!"
Sirius tried to shoot a severe look at Peter, but the indignation on his face was so exaggerated and faked, it made James laugh. Only his brother could be so overly dramatic, and he loved it.
"But it is about our bet, isn't it?" whispered Peter to Sirius. He seemed extremely lost, but Sirius rolled his eyes and did not answer.
They all turned back to James, who took a deep breath and decided to tell them everything. Remus motioned for him to start and he did.
He told them about Marlene and about the wonderful day they had spent together and how the hours had felt like seconds. He told them about the rain and about the kiss and about how he pulled away and told her he couldn't love her. He told them it wasn't fair. Because it wasn't.
As he told them about Lily running to him in the infirmary, he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. As he told them about Lily, and how she made him feel things he didn't want to feel, his friends nodded seriously. The more words came out of his mouth, the more his anxiety dissolved into nothingness.
He told them about Lily and about how he couldn't imagine spending his life with anybody else. He told them about Lily and his friends listened.
After what felt like hours – but really couldn't have been more than a few minutes - James finally fell silent. Made self-conscious by the intense stare of his three friends, he squirmed uncomfortably.
"All that, huh?" said Sirius after a while.
"More or less," said James, and he smiled.
Behind him, the portrait hole slid open and three girls made their way into the common room. Peter's face lit up upon seeing Mary, who smiled and waved at him timidly.
"Come over here," said Peter, loud enough so that his squeaky voice carried all the way to the other side of the common room. "I've just told them."
Looking delighted, Mary skipped towards the fireplace around which the boys had gathered, Lily and Marlene two steps behind. Appalled, Remus extended his long leg and kicked Peter in the chin, while James desperately tried to disappear inside the couch.
Why would you invite them here? he mouthed to Peter.
Why not? Peter gestured back, as Mary sat next to him on the arm of his armchair.
Because Sirius and Remus occupied the smaller couch, Lily and Marlene found themselves with nowhere to sit but the two empty spots on either side of James, on the larger couch. Lily sat on his left, the seat closest to the fire, and Marlene sat on his right. In front of them, Sirius was trying so hard not to laugh his shoulders were twitching and his face had turned bright red.
Abandoning his efforts to render himself wandlessly invisible, James decided to stay completely still, in the hopes that if he didn't move, maybe neither of the girls would need to acknowledge his presence. Lily was way too close to him, and suddenly the fireplace felt like a blazing inferno. His heart was beating so fast, it could have burst out of his chest.
"So it's official?" asked Marlene, and Peter and Mary looked at each other lovingly before nodding.
"Wow," said Lily, blissfully unaware of the fire consuming James from the inside out, a few centimeters from her. "I can't believe we're now officially affiliated with the Marauders."
"What, you thought you could all resist our rugged charms forever?" said Sirius with a wink.
Lily blushed and James tried to murder Sirius with his eyes while the others laughed. Mary put her arm around Peter and slid down the arm of the chair to sit on his lap. They looked so happy. James had never seen such a smile on his friend's face.
"So how long has this been going on?" asked Sirius, pointing an accusatory finger to the couple.
"Few weeks," replied Peter. He had not once looked away from Mary ever since she had sat down.
Sirius dropped his hand and discreetly squeezed Remus's knee before crossing his arms against his chest. Suddenly, James felt really lonely. He was the only one left in the Marauders with no hand to hold, and no one to kiss.
He became uncomfortably aware of Lily's hand on her thigh, way too close to his. His skin would brush against hers if he moved just a millimeter. On his right, Marlene shifted slightly to cross her legs. James stood still.
"How come you only told them now?" asked Lily, motioning to the smaller couch where Sirius and Remus were sitting. "Mary told us right away!"
Peter squirmed awkwardly while James and Remus exchanged a panicked look, unsure of what to do. Peter's poor excuse would not sit well with Lily and Mary.
"He knew we would tease him for dating a girl taller than him," answered Sirius almost immediately.
Peter shot him a grateful look Sirius dismissed with a discreet wave of the hand.
"Well that's just silly!" exclaimed Mary, smiling at Peter. "There's not a lot of girls our age that are shorter than you! You were bound to date someone taller!"
"That's what I've been telling him for years!" said Remus, and his exasperated expression made them all laugh.
Somehow, the girl's presence inside their group felt natural. James knew Mary the least, but after talking to her for a few minutes, she appeared to be nothing less than funny and straight-forward.
When he looked away from her, he saw Marlene telling Remus about her brother's work in the Ministry, and Lily and Sirius getting along fantastically to everyone's surprise, bonding over something called the Rolling Stones. From the information James had gotten from Sirius over the summer, the Rolling Stones were a Muggle band and not actual moving pebbles, which James found to be pretty confusing. Sirius had just received their last album for his birthday, a gift from his cousin Andromeda, and Lily was questioning him about his favourite song.
"If you really want to be my friend, obviously!"
"No way! Time waits for no one is clearly the best!"
"Second favourite. But it's really close. You have taste, Evans."
"Are you kidding? I had no idea wizards listened to Muggle music!" said Lily. She looked as though she was seeing Sirius for the first time. James smiled at the surprise visible in her eyes.
"It is excellent, and it has the sweet advantage of pissing off my dear parents, what is there not to like?"
Lily laughed and James painfully tore his eyes from her. He looked over their heterogeneous group, and their young smiles, and their young love. They were beautiful.
"Doesn't it feel...," started Mary. "Doesn't it feel meant to be?"
James looked at her and saw she knew exactly how he felt.
"Peter and I just started dating, but Lily and Remus have been friends for years now," Mary continued. "And who knows what kind of new bullshit is going on with those three clowns," she said, pointing at the couch where James, Lily and Marlene were sitting. "And all of us have been attending at least one Quidditch practice a week, because two of us play. I mean, isn't it funny? We're all Gryffindors, we're all in the same year, and we've known each other for so long. We're all talented and we're all gorgeous, there really is no point in being divided, not in times like these." She paused and looked at Peter, who smiled at her longingly. "Besides, I've always thought our two groups were bound to unite at some point, didn't you?"
James couldn't help himself but look at Lily. The flames were casting a dazzling glow on her freckled skin. James moved a millimetre and his hand brushed against hers.
Her smile was twice as wide as his.