The first few weeks of December had gone by so fast James wasn't sure they had happened at all. The beginning of winter had left a cold blanket of snow on the castle's grounds and the forest, and everything outside was white and quiet.
Inside of the Gryffindor common room, loud conversations and the sound of the crackling fireplace cohabited with a smell of gingerbread and holidays. It would be James' first Christmas away from home.
His parents had sent him a letter explaining why Sirius and him could not come back. They were working with Dumbledore and their house would apparently be occupied by a lot of strangers coming in and out for the holidays. They had concluded by saying Hogwarts was safer anyway, which was something a lot of parents seemed to have agreed on. Never had Hogwarts been this full during the Christmas season.
Peter had exchanged long letters of negotiation with his parents, who had agreed to let him stay, and although James felt a bit sad he would not spend the holidays at home, he was cheered up by the fact that the Marauders would celebrate Christmas together for the first time ever.
Of course, because Peter was staying, Mary was too, and as a logical consequence Marlene and Lily were also spending the holidays at Hogwarts. James would be lying if he said he was unfazed by that fact.
He hadn't told anyone about how he had broken down in front of the infirmary, not even Sirius. Only Lily knew the full extent of his anxiety and she had not mentioned it to him, although it was most likely due to a lack of opportunity than to a lack of motivation on her part.
He was terrified she would try to talk to him about it.
Ever since that morning when he had collapsed in her arms, he had done everything he could to avoid being alone with her, which would have been easy if she wasn't monitoring his detentions once a week. He had not gone to the last three, always finding last minutes excuses he knew she didn't believe.
Surprisingly enough, she still hadn't confronted him about it and James even suspected her to cover for him in front of McGonagall.
Even though they had not been alone together since then, they did see each other a lot. Mary and Peter were inseparable and everywhere Mary went, Lily and Marlene followed. The girls had been an unexpectedly valuable addition to the Marauder's group, and most of their time spent in the common room was spent together.
Last night, on Christmas Eve, they all had had dinner together and Lily had sat so close to James during the Feast that they kept accidentally elbowing each other. They had laughed together at Peter's insatiable appetite. They had talked about a thousand things and more, and after a while Mary had joined Lily to teach James everything about Muggles' holiday traditions.
On Christmas morning, James laid in bed, while the last evening still echoed in his head. He couldn't stop thinking about Lily, and the way she tossed her hair over her shoulder when she laughed. He had sat so close to her he had noticed the freckles on her nose for the first time.
James closed his eyes and tried to engrave her details in his memory. He would never allow himself to forget the warmth of her palms on his cheeks, when her face had been so close to his.
"Merry Christmas!" Peter's voice suddenly filled the quiet dorm room and the curtains around James' bed swung open brutally, revealing disheveled blond curls. "Get up, Prongs! Presents!"
James would never get tired of seeing Peter's wide smile and childlike excitement. He watched the small boy hop the other side of the room, where's Sirius's curtains were drawn, and all of a sudden, his fondness was replaced with dread.
"Peter, wait!"
His warning came too late, and before he could do anything to stop it, Peter stood in front of a barely awake Remus, snuggled up in Sirius's arms. From his bed, James saw Peter's back visibly straighten and tense up. The small boy took a step back, and the blood drained from his face.
Realizing the full extent of the situation, Remus jolted awake and sat upright on the bed, his sudden movement waking Sirius. Peter had a last look at the two of them, then took another step back before leaving the room without a word.
"Oh no," said Remus in a raspy voice.
He jumped to his feet and got dressed in a hurry. Sirius and James imitated him quietly, none of them daring to speak, too engulfed in the dread they shared.
Together, they rushed to the common room, where Peter had sat in an armchair near the fireplace. Mary was already on his lap with an arm around his shoulders. Lily and Marlene were sat on either side of the small Christmas tree James had transfigured the night before. Bright packages and presents in all shapes and sizes were gathered in a pile at the foot of the tree.
Lily was leaning against the couch, with her knees close to her chest. She was holding a mug in between her palms and blowing softly on the hot liquid. James feared he might never be able to take his eyes off her. She was gorgeous in an oversized Christmas sweater, but then again, she was gorgeous in anything she wore.
"What have you guys done to poor Pete?" asked Mary as she noticed the rest of the Marauders joining them. "He looks traumatized!"
Sirius and Remus shifted uncomfortably and James cleaned his throat before sitting on the couch next to Lily.
Peter still looked pale but James could tell he was slowly coming back to his senses from the way he clasped at Mary's waist. James cleaned his throat again, in a desperate attempt to make his friend look at him, so he could give him a sign, or some way to let him know he couldn't say anything. But Peter kept staring at the rug, and didn't give any indication he had seen his friends arrive.
"Remus and Sirius are gay," he blurred out, and James bit his lip so hard he thought he might bleed.
Sirius silently collapsed on the couch next to him. Remus stood so still he didn't look to be breathing.
Lily tugged a strand of her hair behind her ear and looked up at Peter, unaware of the palpable tension in the three boys.
"Well, it can't be that much of a surprise to you, can it?"
James turned to her so fast he almost broke his neck. Lily didn't look the least bit surprised at the news, and was very calmly turning her mug in between her hands.
"Remus told me last year," she shrugged, as a response to James' astonished look.
"You, I understand. What I'm confused about is why those two don't look surprised," said Sirius, pointing at Mary and Marlene.
Next to James, Lily curled up in her seat to take as little space as possible, while Mary and Marlene roared with laughter.
"Let's just say," started Mary, wiping tears of joy from her eyes. "That our perfect prefect here absolutely cannot keep secrets after one or two glasses of Firewhisky."
Amused, James watched Lily's cheeks turn a lovely pink colour as she hid behind her palms.
"I'm so sorry guys."
"Lily!" exclaimed Remus, swatting the top of her head gently. "I trusted you!"
"Oh no, don't worry, that's not even the most surprising thing we learned," began Mary, looking at Lily with an enigmatic smile.
"Shut up," interrupted Lily, who was now blushing furiously and covering her face with her hands. "Don't you dare."
James feared for a second she could have told them about him, and his panic attack in front of the infirmary, but quickly rationalized. She was way too tactful to ever mention it to her friends, and besides, she was blushing so hard it could only be something extremely personal to her.
In his armchair, Peter was shaking his head in disbelief, still staring blankly at the rug until Mary pinched his cheek.
"Oh, don't be so dramatic! Why can't you be happy for your friends? It's Christmas, not a time for sulking!"
Peter turned to her and smiled slightly. He seemed desirous to move past this conversation, so they did. Marlene turned to the miniature Christmas tree in front of them and pointed to the presents underneath it.
"Are we gonna open those or what?"
"Yes!" exclaimed Peter, leaning forward so fast he almost knocked Mary off his lap. "I've been waiting forever for this."
As this year was particularly special and the first holidays they would all spend together, Mary had convinced all of them to honour a Muggle tradition. At the beginning of the month, they all had drawn names out of a hat, which told them which of their friends they would give a present to.
James had to admit he didn't like the concept, as he loved nothing more than to shower every single one of his friends with presents, but Lily had looked excited about the idea, so he went along with it.
"I'm first!" called Sirius as he leaned to grab the package bearing his name. "Firstly, no one dotted the 'i's in 'Sirius' with hearts, so I know it's definitely not Prongs."
"You know me so well," James winked.
Smiling, Sirius tore through the wrapping paper to reveal two albums by the Muggle band he loved, the one James could never remember the name of, no matter how hard he tried. Lily smiled shyly and her eyes widened as Sirius pulled her into a tight hug.
Everyone else laughed at the blush coming back to her cheeks, and she patted Sirius's back awkwardly.
"We need to discuss Let it bleed once you get a chance to listen to it. I can't keep talking to you about the same album, it was getting ridiculous."
"Thank you, Evans."
"You're welcome."
They parted and James erased his goofy smile from his face before either of them saw it. He had never dared to dream that Lily and Sirius would one day get along. In more ways than one, it felt like a miracle.
"My turn!" he called, to prevent himself from getting too emotional.
He grabbed his gift, which was the smallest of the pile. Without giving it any thought, he tore through the wrapping as an excellent imitation of Sirius, and pulled out a small golden ball, which opened paper-thin wings.
"Your own Snitch," said Marlene with a fond smile. "So you can stop stealing the school ones because I am done having to Accio them out of your pockets at the end of every practice."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," said James innocently. "This sounds like criminal activity, which is something I would never partake in," he insisted, with an exaggerated wink at Lily and the shining prefect badge on her chest.
"Oh, if only this was the only rule-breaking you did!" Lily laughed.
James tried not to stare as she tossed her hair over her shoulder. He tried not to notice her freckles and the soft angle of her jaw. He really tried but he couldn't look away.
She was the light in every room, the very air he breathed.
He averted his gaze when he realized Marlene was looking at them. It would never not be awkward.
They watched everyone else unwrap their presents, too immersed in the moment to even think about breakfast. Remus teared up a little when he saw what James had gotten him: a silver watch that did not give the time, but a perfect map of the stars at any given moment. James had transfigured it so the Sirius star glowed hard enough to outshine the moon.
They talked and they talked for what felt like hours, but mostly they laughed. James realized just how extraordinarily lucky he was to be surrounded by such amazing friends. The fire was burning high in the fire place and everything felt warm and safe.
After a while, the hunger got to them and Peter, back to his normal self, demanded they all got down to the Great Hall for an early lunch. This prompted everyone to get up and happily head to the portrait hole to leave the common room.
"James, would you just... stay behind with me for a minute?" said Lily suddenly.
James felt himself blushed. Sirius wolf-whistled and Mary giggled. Behind them, Marlene was looked straight at James and for the first time in a while, her smile wasn't sad but encouraging. James looked back at Lily and nodded slowly.
The rest of their friends left, reluctantly in Sirius' case, as he desperately wanted to stay. Remus had to drag him away by the hand.
Once the portrait hole had closed and they were sure the group was definitely gone, Lily pulled out a small package from underneath the tree. Looking down, she distractedly brushed aside the pine needles that had fallen on top of it.
She didn't look nearly as confident as she did a second ago.
"Here," she said finally, holding out the package to James. "I didn't want to give this to you in front of the others." She ran a hand through her hair, like she always did when she was embarrassed. The blush in her cheeks was back once more, or maybe it had never left her.
"Lily, I..." started James. "You gave a gift to Sirius already. And Marlene gave me one, so you can't give me one too! I don't think that's how it works!"
Lily avoided his gaze and passed a hand through her hair again.
"Just take it? Please?"
Careful to not accidentally brush his fingers against hers, James held out his hand and took the gift from her. Without saying a word, because he didn't know what to say, he unwrapped the package mindfully and slowly. Inside was a book, and James' heart dropped to his stomach once he read the title: Generalized Anxiety Disorder: How to Understand it and How to Deal with it.
Misinterpreting James' silence, Lily spoke up, and her tone was hesitant, as if she was trying to justify herself.
"My mum's a psychiatrist, she though it would help."
James looked up. Lily was twirling a strand of her hair, twisting it around her finger. The redness in her cheeks brought out her freckles and she looked more adorable than ever. But James was focused on something else.
"You talked to your mother about me?"
Lily opened and closed her mouth, probably realizing the implications of what she had said.
"No! I mean, not... not you in particular. I mean, maybe you in general," she stuttered, gesturing vaguely in James' direction. "I mean, it was not... I didn't mean..."
He raised his eyebrows at her and couldn't resist smiling at her embarrassment. He had never seen her so flustered before, so really, how could he blame her?
Lily abandoned trying to justify herself and let her hands fall at her side. Her face was almost as red as her hair.
On the other side of the window behind her, the snow fell slowly, on the castle, on the forest, and on a love burning higher than ever before.