38 : THE DOE

The first day of the year was humid, windy and terribly cold. But it was a Saturday and it fell on an Hogsmeade weekend, so the Marauders put on several layers of coats and scarves to brave the snow storm. They were to meet the girls at the Three Broomsticks and James couldn't have been more excited.

He had started going back to the detentions he had with Lily, and so far, neither of them had mentioned anything about the book she had gotten him for Christmas. In fact, they had talked about everything but that. Lily was incredibly easy to talk to, and James had rediscovered that with immense pleasure.

When they hung out as a group in the common room, Peter and Mary often disappeared together, and when it was the case, Sirius and Remus imitated them half the time. Then, Marlene always left with a half-muttered excuse, to the library or the Quidditch pitch and like that, James and Lily were left alone.

It was often and James loved it. Lily brought a very different and intricate perspective to things he had never even considered. Their conversations were long and not always happy. She had told him about her sister, who had stopped answering her letters all together. He had told her about his parents, who were getting old, but yet more and more involved in the war.

They had grown closer.

That morning, he just hoped to sit next to her in the crowded pub and to maybe make her laugh. Outside, the cold air was full of promise. The boys laughed the whole way to the small village, running to escape Remus' enchanted snowballs and tripping each other, so much so that they were covered in snow before even arriving to the pub.

"How do I look?" asked James, passing a hand through his hair to chase the snow.

"Like a twat," replied Sirius, before hitting him in the face with another snowball.

"Stop it!"

James tried to look angry but he couldn't help laughing at the mischievous light in Sirius' eyes. He ruffled up his hair again and tried to clean his face from the snow. There was a lit up window in a nearby joke shop and he used it to check his reflection and make sure his hair was alright. He knew Lily was already waiting for them inside the Three Broomsticks and he had to look disheveled enough to maintain his image.

As he chased the melted snow from his glasses with a wordless spell, something in the reflection caught his attention. It was behind him, close to the Forest, and when he turned to look at it directly, it was gone.

"Did you guys see that?"

"See what?"

"That!" repeated James, pointing at the border of the Forest, where he would have sworn he had seen something move.

"James, there's nothing there," said Remus, shaking his head.

"You're not looking in the right place, it's close to that tree over there I think."

"Prongs, I'm freezing, let's just go," whined Peter, bouncing up and down on his feet in an attempt to warm up.

"Fine," said James, keeping his eyes on the tree lines. From a distance, it looked a bit like a stag, but James knew fairly well he was the only deer in this forest. Whatever it was that had moved, he needed to get closer to. "I want to check this out though. You guys go, I'll catch up with you later."

On any other day, that sentence would have been met with vehement protestations, but on this day, the cold got the better of the Marauders and they left.

"Don't freeze to death," said Sirius above his shoulder.

"I don't plan to."

James walked up to the edge of the Forest slowly, impeded by the layer of snow growing gradually thicker. He was staring in between the trees, trying to make out what was emanating such a soft blueish glow. As he got closer, the form became more and more recognizable and more and more familiar.

It did look like a stag, but it didn't have antlers. A doe. Beautiful and majestic, the doe took a few steps back, getting further into the Forest. It didn't run, and it didn't look scared. At the contrary, James felt like it was leading him to something, and he followed the animal past the tree line.

Though the doe was almost see-through and the Forest was dark, James could not have lost it, as its glow became stronger and stronger at each step.

After a while, they came to a stop. They had walked so much Hogsmeade was completely out of sight. James took a shy step forward, holding out his hand to the beautiful animal and immediately as his fingers were about to brush against its nose, the doe vanished into thin air.

The light from the Patronus gone, James found himself alone in the dark.

"Lumos," he whispered. The cold was starting to sink into his bones, and he suddenly realized he had made a mistake by wandering so far into the forest.

"Stay away from her."

The voice had come from behind James and he spun around, his wand lighting up the shadows surrounding him. Severus Snape was standing in between two trees, his traits distorted by rage, his wand drawn and pointed straight at James.

"Away from who?" repeated James, but as soon as words came out of his mouth he understood.

"Stay away from Lily." Snape's voice dripped hatred.

James' heart stuttered inside his chest, and he tried to think as fast as he could, trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation without getting injured.

He couldn't believe that the doe, that had been so beautiful and so pure, could have been Snape's. How could someone so evil and hateful produce something so fascinating? But then again, the doe's beauty had only been superficial. It was a lure, that had led him away from everything, closer to danger. And that, that resembled Snape. An innocent exterior but rotten insides.

"She hates you just as much as she hates me," Snape continued, taking a step forward. "She said it last year, remember? Well, she hasn't changed her mind."

"Shut up."

"You think you're such a hero, huh?" Snape turned his wand in between his fingers. His eyes were fixated on James, like a predator having finally cornered his prey. "Strutting around in the corridors. Doing anything so that she would notice you. Well, she's not here to save you now."

"SHUT UP!"

James' hand was shaking so much the light of his wand flickered, projecting deep and terrifying shadows on Snape's face. He didn't know what to do. The cold was inhibiting his thoughts, his movements.

Something in him, a survival instinct maybe, was yelling at him to disarm Snape as soon as possible, and to run back to the village. But something else, maybe hope, or a blinding trust in the goodness in people, made him lower his wand. He didn't believe Snape was actually going to hurt him. He had been Lily's friend. She must have seen something in him.

"I promise you, I'm not forcing my presence onto Lily," James said slowly. "If you see us together in the corridors, it's because she decided to walk with me. If you see us sitting next to each other, it's because she decided to sit next to me. I'm not going to stay away from her, because it's her choice whether or not she wants to be with me."

His voice had become steadier and more self-assured as he pronounced the words. Snape's face twisted into a disgusted wince.

"Liar."

His wand slashed through the air and James felt his entire body rigidify. Unable to utter a single word, he fell backwards onto the cold hard snow. The shock chased the air out of his lungs. His eyes, wide open, stared up at the trees tops and he was incapable to move his head and look at Snape. He was incapable to move at all.

There was a cracking sound right next to his hand and James realized with horror that Snape had just stepped on his wand. A sense of dread overcame him as he fought against the binding curse with every muscle in his body. The cold was numbing his feet and hands, digging needles into his skin.

"Better be safe than sorry," muttered Snape.

"Was that really necessary?"

Another voice rose from further away and it was so familiar it sent shivers down James' spine. Regulus' voice sounded very similar to Sirius'.

"They want to talk to him. And they didn't want him to put up a fight, so yes, Black, it was necessary."

His words were poison that filled James' blood. He tried to break the curse, to move his fingers, but he was freezing and couldn't tell if it was working. He couldn't feel his arms and legs.

"Call them."

Snape's voice was colder than the snow.

"Severus, I..."

"Call them."

James felt Snape move away from him and closer to Regulus. He couldn't see anything but the trees and the snow falling from the sky towards him. Snowflakes were caught in his eyelashes. He thought about Lily.

A loud crack suddenly filled James' ears and he felt another presence with them. Someone he could not see had Apparated close to them.

"Where is he?"

The disembodied voice was feminine and hoarse, but it was the tone of urgency that struck James the most.

"Here," said Snape, and James felt a shoe digging into his ribs. He could barely feel the pain, the cold numbing every part of his body one by one.

There was another loud crack, then another, then another. Dark figures appeared in his eye line, gathering around him. James felt like he was looking up from the bottom of his grave. He started to consider the possibility that he might die.

"Doesn't look special to me. Hard to believe the Dark Lord wants him."

James tried to make sense of the words he was hearing but the cold had got to his brain and everything sounded distant. The body binding spell made it hard to breathe and his vision was severely impaired by dark spots that wouldn't stop expanding.

A woman leaned over him and pushed the hood off her head, revealing a mass of black curls and a familiar face James didn't want to see. Bellatrix looked awfully similar to Sirius.

"Do you know, Potter boy, just how privileged you are?" she said and the sweetness in her voice was so fake it felt like venom. James was forced to stare into her dead eyes. "The Dark Lord thinks you would make a perfect addition to His followers. A powerful pureblood like you. Surely, you know there is no better alternative."

She smiled, and James saw her exactly as she was. The dangerous blood-thirsty monster that had taken so much pleasure in torturing Sirius during every family gathering. His rage gave him the strength he needed to battle the spell, and he managed to part his lips ever so slightly.

"Rather... die," he uttered, as loudly as he could, but it came out as a whisper. His lungs were desperate for air, screaming, begging for oxygen.

Bellatrix raised a haughty eyebrow and the muscles in her jaw visibly clenched.

"If that is your wish," she started and she raised her wand.

James' heart skipped a beat. He gave a last thought to Sirius and his parents, and the overwhelming love he had for his family. He thought about Remus and Peter and how much he would miss them. He thought about Lily. The pines above him were just as green as her eyes and he thought he wouldn't mind dying in such a beautiful sight.

"Wait!" exclaimed Snape, and he rushed to Bellatrix's side, coming back into James' eye line. "He doesn't deserve such a quick death. Leave him to freeze in the snow, it'll be much slower."

"I like how you think," said Bellatrix, lowering her wand. "I'll mention you to Him."

She turned abruptly and her long cloak projected specks of snow on James' face.

"Show us the way to the village. It's time we have a little fun."

It had to be a nightmare. It couldn't be real.

Death Eaters stepped over James' immobile body as if he was nothing but another log in the immense forest. He heard them walk away. He heard their voices, too human and for most of them too familiar, and he heard the crunching of the snow under each of their steps. He heard them head towards Hogsmeade, where his friends were gathered, innocent and unaware.

There was nothing he could do.

He could feel his heart beating, alive, just inches from the layer of snow growing thicker on his chest. The layer of snow he would disappear under.

He tried to scream but his muscles would not obey him. He tried to get up but his body felt numb and he was freezing. The curse would not break.

He tried to stop fighting it. He tried to lean into it, slowly studying the effects it had on his body, trying to find weaknesses, cracks in an otherwise perfectly executed spell. He failed and he tried again.

James Potter was a lot of things but he was not a quitter.

He would not give up. No matter how long it would take him, he would not give up. Even if it was the last thing he should do. He would not give up.

Time was slowing down, or perhaps it was his heartbeat, James could not tell. The penetrating cold was everywhere, on his skin, in his veins, in his bones. Eating away at his determination, at his very life. Tears of frustration rolled from his eyes to freeze instantly on his cheeks.

Overwhelming, his fear seemed to only reinforce the paralyzing spell. He realized too late it was feeding off of his energy. It was complex magic. Dark. Nothing he had ever dealt with before.

Distant screams of terror and pain reached his ears, as well as the terrible, maniacal laugh of Bellatrix. Above him, dark smoke filled the sky. Despite everything, he caught himself hoping. The village was not as far as he originally thought. If he managed to break past the curse and take back control of his body despite the cold, he might be able to make his way back through the forest.

He concentrated every spark of strength that was left in his body to counter the spell, but the sound of the battle in the distance was breaking his heart and he found himself listening to the screams, praying not to recognize the voices of his friends. He knew, deep down, it would only be a matter of time until he heard them. Bellatrix had never resisted the urge to use the Cruciatus Curse on her blood-traitor of a cousin.

He knew that far from fleeing, the Marauders would want to fight. Lily too would probably jump into the battle head first. She was passionate, brave, fiery and stubborn. That was the reason he fell in love with her.

But in that moment he hated her courage.

And perhaps it was because he was thinking about her so hard, or perhaps it was because his brain had finally started to give in to the cold, but he heard her voice. It was distant and it echoed with overwhelming desperation, but it was her voice, recognizable amongst millions, calling his name.

"James!"

Her heart-wrenching call hit him like a ton of bricks and put everything in his body back in motion. His blood started flowing effortlessly in his veins and suddenly he could breathe. He gasped as his vision came back and the curse shattered around him, like a glass prison blasting into pieces.

Love was not an emotion Snape could possibly comprehend. It made sense it that would be the only thing capable to break his magic. Or perhaps it was Lily. She was his only weakness after all.

James got up painfully. The back of his head, that had been resting on the snow, was drenched and freezing and everything was too loud. He couldn't feel his legs.

Snapped in half, the remains of his wand rested sadly on melted snow. When he bent down to pick it up, he noticed his hand was swollen and bruising. Not content with breaking his wand, Snape had also stepped on his hand so hard he had broken three fingers.

Thankfully, his entire body was too numb to even acknowledge the pain and he was able to grab his wand without an ounce of discomfort.

Lily's voice had already faded away but her distressed tone still rang in his ears. He started walking, stumbling and falling every few meters, until he gained back sensation in his feeble legs.

The sound of the battle had not died down, and the dark smoke he could make out from in between the trees led him right to where he wanted to be.

The war.

"LILY!" he called, and his voice was just as distraught as hers had been. "LILY!"

The fire burnt high in the sky, licking the walls of small shops and houses that had been here for hundreds of years. It was chaos and confusion. It was destruction and it was pain.

Lily's scarlet curls were another kind of fire. It was warm and it brought him back to life. She crashed into his arms, knocking the wind out of him and he was barely able to keep his balance as he squeezed her against his chest, sweeping her off her feet.

For a fraction of second, nothing else existed. He buried his nose into her hair and let her comforting, maddening perfume fill every corner of his head. She was alive and nothing else mattered.

They pulled apart quickly and Lily took his hand, leading them to safety in a narrow and dark street, away from the fire and the battle raging a few streets away.

It was Diagon Alley all over again.

"What happened to your wand?" she said, raising her voice to cover the noise from the combat.

There was soot on her face and she looked like she had been through hell and back. But she didn't seem hurt and the flames of tenacity were burning in her eyes. James saw no point in telling her the part her ex-best friend had played in everything. She would find out soon enough.

"Broken," he answered shortly and his voice was shaking more than he would have liked. "Are you okay? Where are the others?"

"They left. Remus is hurt, Sirius is with him. They're on their way back to the castle with the girls."

James' heart dropped to his stomach. Not Remus. It should have been him. It should have been James, who had risked everything with his carelessness. Not Remus.

Then, the rest of what Lily had said finally sank in. They had left. All of them.

"Why are you still here?" he said. His voice was louder and angrier than it should have been, but he couldn't believe that smart, responsible Lily had had the opportunity to get to safety but didn't. "Why didn't you go with them? Are you insane?"

Before he could see it coming, before he even had a chance to lower his voice, Lily's eyes filled with tears and she replied just as angrily as he had.

"I couldn't leave you behind!" A single tear rolled down her cheek as she shoved him, but he was much stronger than her and she was weak from fighting so his feet remained firmly planted. "Peter and I looked for you everywhere! We... I thought you were dead!" she blurred out, and suddenly it was not one but an avalanche of tears running down her face.

James pulled her close to him and held her against his chest. He rested his chin on the top of her head and held her until her shoulders stopped shaking. He was freezing and she was so warm.

"Where's Peter now?" he asked, and Lily pulled away from him to wipe her tears with her sleeves.

"We got separated. I don't know where he is."

"What?" exclaimed James, suddenly very aware of just how violent the battle sounded. "You mean he's alone right now?"

Lily lowered her head and nodded. At the very least she had the decency to look guilty, thought James before rushing out of the small alley.

"PETER!"

He never knew his voice could be so loud and carry this far. The adrenaline pumping in his veins warmed him up as the cold winter air scraped his throat and lungs. Peter was small and round and couldn't run very fast. He had never excelled at duelling and he stood no chance on his own. James struggled to hold back tears of terror.

"PETER!"

A squeaky voice called back to him in the distance and James ran. He didn't have a wand but he had clenched fists and he was ready to fight anyone who would have dared touch a hair off Peter's head. Lily was following him closely, panting from the effort.

In a narrow passage close to the Three Broomsticks, Peter was cornered by two figures James recognized with no difficulty. Snape and Regulus had their wands drawn and pointed at the small boy.

Taking advantage of the element of surprise, James ran and crashed into Snape, taking great pleasure in hearing his nose crack under his fist. Behind him, Lily had already begun duelling Regulus and spells were flying left and right. James managed to rip Snape's wand out of his hands and, blinded by anger and resentment, snapped it in half on his knee.

Snape still had not done anything to retaliate. Looking bewildered, he was staring at James as though he had just resurrected before his very eyes.

"That's right, bitch," said James, grabbing Snape's collar and lifting him like he weighed nothing. "I'm alive."

He had been left to die by Snape for the second time now. It had been the last.

James projected the scrawny boy to a nearby brick wall. Anger seemed to increase his strength in ways he didn't know were possible. Snape was shorter than him by a few inches and almost twice as thin. He stood no chance in a physical fight.

And James' blood was boiling.

"You can't kill me," he said, kicking his opponent where it hurt. "No matter how much you want to."

Snape bent in half and spat red blood on the white snow. James smiled and violently sent his knee digging into Snape's stomach, before leaning in to share a secret.

"I can't die," he whispered in Snape's ear. It was a provocation but in the moment it felt real.

James had been hexed, cursed and slashed open, he had bled out under the Whomping Willow, and he had been left to freeze in the snow. He came out alive every time, his body riddled with scars and his heart aching for revenge.

"You can't kill me," he repeated, punctuating each of his sentence with another punch to the boy's face. "You can't kill my friends. We can't die."

His fists were red with blood and his fractured knuckles were on fire but he didn't care about the pain. Everything was numb and it wasn't due to the cold.

"We can't die."

He didn't know when but his words had stopped being solely provocative. They were unanswered prayers and uncontrollable sobs. A supplication. Death was a cold reality that had breathed down James' neck for too long.

"We can't die," he sobbed, and he let Snape's body fall unconscious on the ground. "We can't die."

Everything came crashing down. James fell on his knees in the red snow. His cheeks were drenched with tears.

"JAMES!" The voice tore a hole through his heart but it wasn't Lily's voice and it wasn't Lily's hand grabbing his. The last thing he saw before everything went black were Alice's Auror robes. The last thing he heard before Disapparating were Lily's sobs.