40: PETER & MARY

"Never leave us again, Moony."

"Let go of my leg, James. That goes for you too, Sirius. You're not five-year-olds."

"We will, once you promise you will never ever leave us."

"Prongs. Pads. I will forever be with you."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Laying onto Peter's bed like a pile of limbs, James, Remus and Sirius had been catching up. Which meant that James had been talking about Lily for the better part of an hour while Remus and Sirius exchanged amused glances.

"Prongs, we're done hearing about Evans," said Sirius finally. "I want to know about Moony, we haven't seen him in forever."

"Although extremely hurtful, your complaint has been noted. And I do want to hear all about Moony's adventures in St Mungo's, tell us everything."

"Oh I wasn't in St Mungo's," said Remus casually.

"What?"

Surprised, James propped himself up on one elbow, earning himself dirty looks from both of his friends who were using his chest as a pillow.

"But Dumbledore told us you were!" he exclaimed. "I had made several plans to sneak out of Hogwarts and visit you there!"

"Yeah, he told me not to tell you about it but fuck that. You already know that the curse that hit me reacted badly with my condition."

"The furry problem," clarified James.

"Yes and stop calling it that. Dumbledore didn't want to send me to St Mungo's, he was afraid Greyback might try to get in contact with me there. I was somewhere else, I don't know exactly where but it wasn't a hospital. There were Healers there and damn good ones, but I don't think they were in any way affiliated with St Mungo's. I think they were working for Dumbledore, everyone there was."

"Moony, this is insane," whispered Sirius. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was a little pale as he turned his head to look up at James, who saw his own anxiety reflected in his friend's eyes. If even Dumbledore thought Greyback would want Remus, it meant that it was true. That their worst fear was rational.

"From what I could grasp from eaves-dropping they call themselves the Order," continued Remus, unaware of the silent exchange. "But that's all I know."

"How many of them are there?"

"Not a lot. But they're powerful wizards and witches, I could feel the magic buzzing around the whole place, defensive charms."

James laid back down and stared into nothing. This could mean a thousand things or more. His mind was racing with theories but he had no idea where to start.

"Do you think it could have been something like a safe house?" asked Sirius.

"Possible. I wasn't allowed inside half the rooms once I could walk again. And then they sent me back straight to Hogwarts, so I guess they didn't want me snooping around."

Silence fell in the dim lit room and James patted Remus' head absent-mindedly.

"I'm happy you're back Moony," he said finally.

That was an understatement, and they all knew it. James could tell from the faint smiles growing on his friends' faces.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang and the door of their room burst open. Startled, James tried to get up, but was impeded by the weight of the other boys and only managed to roll off the bed pathetically.

A furious looking Peter was standing at the threshold. His round cheeks were red with anger and his fists were clenched at his sides.

"Pete!" exclaimed James from the floor. "You're back!"

"What's wrong Wormy?" asked Remus, jumping off the bed and stepping over James.

Peter collapsed on James' bed, the closest to the door, and put his face in his hands.

"Mary just broke up with me."

A heavy silence fell back on the room as Sirius held out a helpful hand to James and helped him get up. Remus walked up to the bed, sat next to Peter and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"What happened?"

It took James a second to get down from the cloud of happiness he had climbed on seeing his best friend enter the room. Peter was visibly heartbroken and James immediately felt an urge to protect him. Out of all of them, Peter was the one who was still waiting to grow up. With his round figure and childlike face, he looked defenceless. James rushed to the other side of Peter and imitated Remus while Sirius sat on the floor in front of them.

"I just came back," said Peter weakly. "She was in the common room so I went to say hi and you know..."

He blushed and Sirius nodded approvingly.

"Snog. We know."

"Well, she said she wanted to talk in private and then she just..." Peter stopped, visibly incapable to finish his thought. He was shaking his head left and right and staring into nothing as if in shock. James squeezed his shoulders in a friendly gesture.

"I don't understand," he said as gently as he could. "You guys were so happy together. Did she give you any reasons as to why she would want to break up?"

"She's mad at me for staying at Hogsmeade during the attack. She said I should have gone back to the castle with her. Thinks I put you over her."

James felt anger rise in him like boiling lava in his chest.

"Well, obviously you did," he said, grinding his teeth. "And obviously it was the right call. She's a bitch."

"Unhelpful, James."

"Sorry, Moony."

"Though I really can't understand her," continued Remus. "What, she's angry because her boyfriend was brave? Because he stayed behind to save a friend? That's some fucked up reasoning."

"Straight people are confusing," sighed Sirius and James high-fived him with his free hand. "Is she still down there?"

Peter nodded and James jumped to his feet, quickly imitated by Sirius and Remus.

"Wait! What are you doing?" exclaimed Peter in a squeaky voice.

"Confronting her," answered James simply. "She's making a mistake."

He bolted out of the room without looking back, his friends on his trail. Mary was a sweet girl and he had gotten to know her fairly well throughout the month of December. She was open-minded, had a lot of opinions she was certainly not afraid to voice. She was the exact opposite of Peter, in a way, and perhaps that was why they completed each other so well.

"What are you gonna say to her?" Sirius whispered from behind him as they walked down the stairs.

"No idea," replied James between grinned teeth. "Haven't really thought this through, have I?"

He was angry. Angry at Mary, angry at the war, angry at the world. Angry at whatever had happened to love. Because James was slowly starting to lose faith in the concept. He loved his friends but couldn't protect them. He loved his parents but couldn't be with them.

He loved Lily. And somehow that wasn't enough.

"Oi, Mary!"

A group of girls by the window turned to him. Mary was sat opposite to Lily, whose stare chilled James to the bone. Of course. He couldn't escape her.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," Mary shrugged. Everything in her attitude showed she knew exactly why he was here. She had that same kind of nonchalance Sirius had, a slight sway in her walk that exuded confidence as she walked towards them. All of a sudden, James didn't feel so sure about his decision to confront her. Girls were terrifying and Mary was no exception.

"What's up?" she asked without breaking eye contact. James took a step back instinctively and his back met Remus' palm, who pushed him forward gently. Thankful for the reminder that he was not alone, he inhaled deeply.

"You're being unfair. And I think you know it, you're smarter than this."

"Actually, I'm not," replied Mary with an angelic smile. "Being unfair, I mean. Peter should have been with me when everything was going down at Hogsmeade. Not searching for you because you decided to wander off into the woods. He was my boyfriend, he was supposed to protect me."

James clenched his jaw so hard he thought his teeth might turn to dust from biting down on themselves. Mary was incredibly different from Lily and the polar opposite to Marlene. He didn't understand how the three of them got along, especially considering this poisonous side of Mary he was just now discovering.

"We all know you can defend yourself Mary," drawled Sirius. "You're more than capable on your own."

"Peter doesn't deserve to be punished for doing the right thing and staying for James," added Remus. "If anything, it shows how far he will go to protect those he loves. He's been James best friend for six years and you've been dating for three months. Just be reasonable, please."

"It only shows he doesn't love me enough," snapped Mary. She was a bit red in the face and her eyes were nowhere near as happy as they were when she approached them. "You won't change my mind."

She turned heel and James watched her walk away with clenched fists. He couldn't believe her selfishness. Mary sat back on the armchair in front of Lily and told her something the boys didn't quite hear despite their best efforts.

Lily sprung out of her seat and headed right to them. The fire burning in her eyes was perhaps just as dazzling as her wavy hair bouncing on her shoulders at every step she took.

"Potter! Detention now!"

"What? It's not Tuesday!" protested James before turning to Remus and asking quietly. "Is it Tuesday?"

Remus shook his head and James spun around to face Lily. All the anger he had felt while facing Mary had evaporated. Strangely enough, Lily's cold voice brought him a sense of normality that put him at ease. Besides, it was hard to stay mad when she looked directly at him. His knees weakened and his stomach turned to jelly.

"It's not Tuesday," he repeated, ruffling up his hair nervously. "You can't make me go to detention, I have rights."

"Wrong," said Lily, dead-pan, pointing at her shiny perfect badge. "I do what I want, and if I say it's Tuesday then it's Tuesday. Come with me."

She turned and walked confidently to the portrait hole without looking back.

"Why are you fighting this, mate?" whispered Sirius. "You get to be alone with her! Go!"

James punched his friend's arm before running after Lily. Unlike Sirius thought, he didn't particularly want to find himself alone with an angry Lily, but he also did not want to anger her more by not obeying her.

He slid down the portrait hole and followed the footsteps echoing in the hallway. She entered an empty classroom and sat on one of the tables.

"You're fast," noticed James. His heat was racing in his chest but he knew it wasn't due to the running he had done. He had forgotten just how easily she filled the room with her presence, how enchanting she was, how he wanted nothing more than to look at her for every second of everyday for the rest of his life. Lily waved her wand and the door slammed shut behind James, leaving the air buzzing with tension.

"What's wrong with you?" The fire in her eyes burnt higher than ever. "Leave Mary alone. How arrogant do you have to be to question her decision about her relationship with Peter, which, as far as I'm aware, is not involving you in any way?"

She got down from the table and stepped towards him. Her voice was daggers and each word dug a little deeper into James' skin.

This would not be a pleasant conversation, he realized, and sadness hit him like a ton of bricks. Things had been good between Lily and him. Things had been good for a while before they turned nightmarish. Her dead eyes were still haunting his nights. Just like his bloody hands probably haunted hers.

"She hurt Peter. I'm just looking out for him. I don't think she was fair with him, or herself, for that matter. Peter was nothing but brave that day in Hogsmeade, and she doesn't need protection, which all of us know."

"She's a muggleborn, James!" Lily cried, a little too loud and a little too angrily. "A target of the attack, just like me. She was scared and she had every right to be. You're a pureblood, you wouldn't understand."

James raised a surprised eyebrow. The fire was raging in Lily's eyes and her words were meant to hurt.

"What, you think I don't know what it feels like to be attacked by them?" he replied, feeling his cheeks flush with hot, angry blood.

"I think you don't know what it feels like to be a target," she answered, a little quieter this time. "I'm not blaming you, God knows I never want you to feel that kind of terror. But Mary is scared. We're always scared because we'll never be safe, given our birth circumstances. Mary is right to want to be safe. She is right to want to be protected. She is right to feel abandoned, because Peter did leave her when she was in the most danger."

Lily had a point and James felt himself losing ground dangerously. He didn't want her to be right, he was tired of her always being right.

"So you think she was right to break up with him?"

"No, of course I don't! I think she's making a mistake but she's my friend, so I'm gonna support her no matter what my opinion is!"

"That's not what a good friend does Lily!"

"Yeah? And how would you even know?" she spat. Her voice was loud now and echoed on the stone walls. James pretended not to see her eyes were filled with angry tears. It meant more to the both of them that they were letting on. And, more than anything, the insinuation that he wasn't a good friend made James' blood boil in his veins.

"I know good friends don't lie. Good friends don't make excuses. When Sirius is wrong about something I let him know, because good friends help each other grow."

"But I don't want Mary to grow, or to be better, I just want to be there for her when she needs me! And right now she needs me."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" shouted James. "You're the one who's constantly on my back about growing up! You're just gonna enable her shitty behaviour because you're too scared to tell her how you feel?"

Lily threw her hands in the air in a frustrated gesture.

"You know what? I changed my mind!" she said loudly. "I agree with Mary, Peter is not good enough for her. None of you boys are."

"Peter is the kindest man I know! Mary isn't half the person that he is!"

"Well I just don't trust him!"

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry, I forgot your friends have been proven to be very trustworthy. When was the last time you talked to Snivellus, Evans? Before or after he became a Death Eater?"

"Don't you dare bring him into this!" Her voice was raspy and deeper than usual. Her eyes shot lighting bolts. She was splendid, which James might have spent more time noticing if he was not so angry. "Snape was dead to me the second he chose which side he was on!"

"You know that's not true!" shouted James. The twin does were still shining brightly in his mind, blinding him and his better judgement. "You still care about him, whether you want it or not!"

Visibly hesitant to answer, Lily opened and closed her mouth while James shook his head and looked away from her.

"I could have stopped you from hurting him, you know?" she said quietly and her voice was hoarse with the tears she didn't cry. "I was there. I could have stopped you and I didn't. James, I- I don't want to admit it, even to myself, but... I wanted to see him hurt."

James' heart dropped inside his chest and he closed his eyes, in a desperate, vain attempt to unhear what she had just said. A feeling of emptiness consumed him.

"You looked so scared of me," he whispered, and in the dark, behind his eyelids, the words sounded hollow.

"I was," Lily breathed and James' heart stopped. "I was, because you reminded me of me. You're the last person I ever expected to see myself in, and on that day I did. I was scared of you, but mostly I was scared of myself."

"I would have killed him."

"You didn't."

"But I would have," he repeated, louder this time, and there was an ounce of desperation in his voice he could not control. He opened his eyes and took a shaky breath in. He didn't want to cry in front of Lily, not again. But that day was still too vivid in his head and knew he wouldn't have been able to stop himself if Alice hadn't dragged him away from Snape. And that was the scariest thought of them all.

"He would have deserved it," said Lily firmly. She was trying to catch James' eye but he wouldn't look at her.

"No. No one ever does." The hushed tones were too real and much worse than the yelling.

They had such different outlooks on life.

They were such different people. Day and night, always clashing together.

For the first time in his life, James wondered if they were really meant to be. For the first time in his life, James feared he might fall out of love, for those words, in that voice, were breaking his heart. He braced himself, ready to see his world rip in half under his feet and swallow him whole.

He waited a few daunting, terrible seconds, in which the world stood still and nothing changed. Then he came to another conclusion. He was in love with the way she stood up for herself. He was in love with her stubbornness, her courage, her impatience, with the lights in her eyes and the passion of her heart. She was still Lily, whatever she said, whatever she did, and he was still mad about her.

He looked at her and his heart skipped a beat. She was his past, present and future. Nothing could change that.

"Lily, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For... everything?" James smiled sadly and ruffled up his hair. He wasn't sure how to do this but he knew he wanted to. "For being a jerk? I've not been myself lately."

Lily dismissed his apology with a wave of the hand.

"Everyone's on edge. And I haven't been fair to you. I've taken my anger and frustration out on you and you don't deserve it."

James' smile widen in spite of his better judgement. But this was the closest Lily had ever come to apologizing to him, and it felt like a tiny victory.

"You're still a jerk though," she added quickly. James wiped his smile from his face as he remembered everything he had thrown in her face, and everything they both had said, up to the events that triggered their argument in the first place.

"And you're still wrong," he said. Lily titled her head slightly, as if reluctantly accepting the words.

There was nothing left to say, James realized, with a pinch of sadness. He turned way from her and walked towards the door. He wanted to be with his friends. Peter needed him.

As he arrived at the door step, Lily took a deep inhale, as if to say something, and James turned to look at her. Her wavy hair had frizzled up a bit around her face and her cheeks were still red from the heated argument. She was beautiful.

"I hate you, you know?" she said finally. Her eyes said the opposite.

"I hate you too."