"The joys of love are but a moment long. The pain of love endures the whole life long…" "Your eyes kissed mine, I saw the love in them shine." I looked back to see Josh emerge out our front door. He found me singing quietly to myself on the porch, waiting for Peter to return. He had driven Margot back to the airport, with Kitty insisting that she come along. Since I was still recovering from yesterday's events, everyone thought it best that I stay home. Luckily for me, I wasn't alone here. Josh didn't hesitate to keep me company.
He sat down on the porch step with me and held up a cup of hot chocolate. "I thought you might be thirsty." "Thanks," I received it with a smile. Oh Josh, always so considerate. A quiet moment fell over us as I sipped at my beverage. Admittedly it was a bit awkward; what happened to me disturbed Josh, particularly the fact that I could have been a victim for the second time in my life. That did not sit well with him- not at all. It was obvious just by the lines in his face, the tone of his voice….
"I'm so sorry, Aerity." "It's not your fault, Josh; it's not your or Peter's fault. It's just one of those things…." "I wish things were different." "I know, and so do I. But they are getting better," slowly but surely, they are getting better. Josh's eyes motioned up to meet mine. A faint semblance of a grin appeared in the corners of his lovely mouth. "This weekend's been hard for me too. First hearing about you, and then seeing Margot…" "Do you still love her?" "No, not like I used to. I'd be lying to say there wasn't a part of me that would always be hers, but…. it's different now. I can live with just that part now," his gaze lowered gently, thoughtfully. "I'm sorry, Josh," I tried to sound as understanding as possible. "Don't be; that's the way things are. Life's unpredictable that way," he then looked off into nowhere, making me wonder.
Neither of us broke the enviable silence for the longest minute. Eventually I blinked over to my beloved best friend. "Josh?" "Aerity?" His head spun back around to me. "You told me before I left to let you know if I had feelings for Peter." "I did," he responded quieter this time. I drew in the deepest breath possible. Above anything and everything else, I had to be honest; I owed him that. I had to tell him the truth without reservation… "I do; there's something there, Josh. When I look at him…. he's just…. yes, there's definitely something there. Something soft, something good…"
A very long pause. "Do you love him?" "Well, no; I wouldn't say that. You see, I decided a while ago that my heart belongs solely to my future husband. I'll only fall in love once more; I gotta make sure it's to the man I want to marry." "And you don't see yourself marrying Peter yet?" "Of course not! It's only been a couple of months," I retorted scandalized. Josh seemed pleased enough to hear this, nodding his head in that "approving" manner. "So, you like him then?" "Yes; yes, very much so." "I see…"
Yet a third lull in the conversation. I was a bit surprised when Josh interrupted the silence with a slight chuckle. My eyes blinked up at his face curious and a little confused. "Peter, huh? I understand that; I understand that perfectly." "J-Josh!" "Listen, Aerity; I won't say that I'm excited you're into another guy, after all this time…. but, in some bizarre way, I'm happy and relieved that it's someone like Peter. You have no idea…. well, I guess you do. You know that I love you, after all… and you love me." Josh, my lips parted ever so lightly.
"It's because I love you, Aerity, that I'll support whatever you decide. You've always been there for me, and what can I say? You did the same for me and Margot." "I supported you two because I didn't want to lose you. If I couldn't have you as a boyfriend, then I'd be happy with a best friend. Just so long as you stayed close to me," I freely admitted. Kitty was right; who am I kidding? I always knew she was right. So long as Josh was near me, that's all that mattered. This made him full out smile, peering at me through the corner of his eye. "Well it's the same with me now. If I can't have you as a girlfriend, then I'll keep you close as my best friend. It's especially easy if you choose someone like Peter."
My stare softened a tad. "I didn't choose Peter; at least not yet. And that's just the thing. I can't compete with Gen or Margot because neither of you have asked me out." "Well, that's the thing too. Peter and I just came out of serious relationships. I mean…. the last thing either of us want is for you to feel like the rebound. But that doesn't erase the fact that…." A fourth pregnant pause, allotting Josh time to gather his thoughts. "The truth is that whenever I'm with you, I feel so peaceful and happy. And I can tell that Peter feels the same. Just because we haven't officially asked you out doesn't mean that there's nothing there on our end." "I get that, and thank you," I grinned. I already knew all this, but it was nice to hear.
Josh sucked in a steadying gasp of air. "The truth is that I could care less how you feel about Peter. All I want is the reassurance that I'll get to be here with you, whether as a friend or future husband. It doesn't matter; all I care about now is staying together like this." "Oh Josh…." How… how was I supposed to answer him? What could I say to that? "If you eventually fall in love with Peter, then I'll be the first to help with the wedding plans. And if not, I'll be there for you then too. Whatever happens, our friendship won't change." Josh, tears slipped into my eyes. One rolled down my cheek as we looked at each other.
"I've come to realize something important for the past few years, Aerity: that our meeting was no coincidence or accident. It's so, so much more than that. When I look deep, deep down inside myself, I see all these desires lingering in my heart. I want you to be happy, I want you to smile and laugh a lot." "Josh…." His head came closer to mine, til our foreheads pressed together. Josh shut his eyes and mine simply cried more. The sound of Peter's jeep came rolling up in the distance, not that either of us were paying attention. "I don't know what I'll be able to do for you, but no matter what, I'll always be by your side."
I didn't realize it at the time, but that was the day that Josh gave me his blessing to spread my wings and fly. No matter how far I flew, he'd always be waiting for me back home. And while Josh and I remained best friends for the rest of our lives, he made this promise to me because he began to understand that he wasn't mine, or rather I wasn't his. He was my best friend. In later years he became my husband's best friend too.
(One more chapter to go!)