It had been a week now, the longest of James' life.
He hadn't been able to talk to Lily about what happened at all. For the past six days, she had been doing everything she could so that she would never have to be alone with him and it was the worst feeling of all. He had looked for her at every meal, waited for her behind the door of a Slug Club party, and had even tried to follow her at the end of classes, but she always disappeared so suddenly James suspected her to have her own Invisibility cloak.
He had not yet been able to stop thinking about that almost-kiss. How could he? He was still stuck in this hazy fog of a moment, when her warm breath had tickled his face, when her perfume had engulfed him, and when time had stopped abruptly, sharpening reality.
He had not yet been able to forget the golden specks in her eyes, tiniest and most gorgeous detail he would have never been able to notice, had she not been so close.
She had been about to kiss him, yet now, it seemed at though she wanted nothing to do with him.
As he sat in class, watching her twist her quill between her fingers, he would have given everything he owned to be able to read her mind.
Her hair was up into a tight ponytail and when a loose strand fell in front of her face she tucked it away with the utmost concentration. Stubbornness was written into her jaw, her eyes. She was a magnet and he was drawn to her. Or perhaps she was a planet and what he felt was the gravitational pull. Whatever it was, it was a force greater than himself, one James could not resist.
"You're drooling on your paper, Prongs."
"Fuck off, Padfoot."
James shifted in his seat self-consciously. He didn't want Lily to know he was staring. Or maybe he did. He wasn't sure about anything any more, except for the fact that he wanted, needed, to talk to her.
Finally, he decided to start listening to Alice, who was enumerating the steps necessary to recognise Dark Magic.
Preliminary Auror training was now mandatory for all students, as it replaced the traditional Defence Against the Dark Arts course while the teacher's position was still vacant. It was mostly taught by Alice, but Frank Longbottom came along from time to time, when he wasn't swamped with work.
The former Head Boy had turned into a handsome man, tall and lean, with dark eyes and a square jaw. The Auror training had been kind on him and his tight Auror uniform left nothing to the imagination when it came to his muscular build. James was the first to admit he understood exactly why Alice fancied him. Because in all the years he had known her, he had never seen Alice so smitten.
Though if he really thought about it, it was bound to happen. Love was not something you could just decide to abstain from. When it caught you and it held you, there was no escaping it. It was not something you could just pause while waiting for better life conditions. Love, like war, stopped for no one.
Perhaps that's what he should have told Lily during their conversation last week. Perhaps it was exactly what he told her, but he couldn't remember, lost as he was in the haze of that almost-kiss.
Unconsciously, his gaze drifted back to her.
After what happened to Mary, she had thrown herself into training, body and soul. She rapidly had become the best in the class, executing every new spell with perfection, understanding immensely complicated layers of magic.
It was no fire burning in her eyes. It was an inferno.
She was more determined, more hard-working. More fearless in a way. More powerful.
And he loved her for it.
And he wouldn't let her go. He grabbed his quill, ripped up a bit of parchment and wrote her a note.
need to talk to you. meet me in Peeve's room tonight please -JP
He slid the note under the table to Sirius, who understood immediately and relayed it to Lily. James watched anxiously as she unfolded the paper and read the words before crumpling the note into her fist.
No, she mouthed, turning to him for only a split second. James huffed and ripped out another piece of parchment.
why -JP
This time, Lily didn't even bother looking at him, never mind answering him. She brushed the note off her desk after reading it and ignored the question.
so what, you try to kiss me and the next day you don't even acknowledge I exist? thought we were mates -JP
Sirius took the neatly folded paper from him for the third time and looked down at it questioningly.
"I think you're mistaking me for an owl, Prongs."
"Certainly not," James whispered back. "Owls are silent. Pass it through please."
"Can I at least read it?"
"No!"
"Well, now I definitely want to read it."
"Don't you dare!" James reached his hand under Sirius' desk in an attempt to grab back the note but Sirius was quicker and held it out of reach. Dragging his chair across the floor to get closer to his friend, James wrestled with Sirius for a couple of seconds before Alice noticed them.
"Potter, Black! What are you playing with?"
"Nothing," replied James, much too fast.
"Let me see." She walked up to them and held out her hand expectantly, and suddenly James realised what was about to happen. Alice liked him too much to let him get away with not listening. Same way she liked him too much to not embarrass him any chance she got. If she got her hands on that note, she would read it aloud for the whole class to hear.
Two tables away, Lily seemed to have come to the same conclusion, seeing as the blood had drained from her face and she was biting her nails in anticipation. Sirius was still holding the paper firmly in his hand and seemed to understand the gravity of the situation from the look on James' face. So he did what any reasonable, loyal friend would have done in his place. He stuffed the note in his mouth and swallowed it.
Silence filled the classroom as a blank look settled on Alice's face.
"Well, now I've seen everything." She stepped back and continued teaching the class as if nothing happened, while Remus dived under his own desk to hide his hilarity.
"You're a really good friend, Pads," whispered James under his breath.
"The things I do for love. Now you definitely have to tell me what was on that note."
"Later."
"Fine."
James risked another glance in Lily's direction. If she had been amused by Sirius' artful solution, she didn't let it show. She was focused again, listening to Alice and taking notes faster than James could comprehend.
He tried not to stare but he couldn't help it. Especially because it was clear now she knew he was watching.
When the bell rang, Lily almost jumped out of her seat and left the classroom before James even had the time to gather his things. He sighed and Remus landed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
"She'll talk to you when she's ready, Prongs."
Surprised, James turned to look up at his friend.
"How much exactly do you know?" he asked as he pushed his glasses up his nose, searching Remus' expression for hints he knew more than he was letting on.
"Not much. Only that you've been stalking Lily for a week now, looking to speak to her by any means necessary, but that she's avoiding you for some reason. And because you haven't told us about it, I'm guessing it's important."
"I can tell you," said James quickly, throwing his school bag over his shoulder. "It's just... I just... I don't know exactly what it is. So I don't exactly know what to tell you."
"How about you just talk, mate?" suggested Sirius. "Doesn't even need to make sense, we're used to you being completely incoherent when it comes to Evans."
So James told them.
As they walked back to the Gryffindor Tower, he told them about the night Mary died, that perfect, perfect night, when they had shared secrets and smiles and made the biggest mistakes of their lives. As they entered their dorm room, James told them about last week, when he had confronted Lily and when time stood still as she leaned in closer. He told them about the almost-kiss, about the heart-break, the beautiful heartbreak.
He told them what was in the notes, and he told them just how powerless he felt. Like he had no say in anything when it came to Lily, because it was always her, her decision to kiss him and her decision to run from him. While he was just supposed to stand still, waiting for her to pick a side, stick to it and stop toying with his feelings.
"She's grieving, James. Give her time," said Remus softly, once James was done explaining everything.
"We're all grieving, Moony," he retorted. "And frankly, I don't know if there's ever gonna be a time when we won't be. I'm not saying she doesn't get to be upset, or hurt, because she does. What I mean is... this affects me too."
Sirius nodded gravely as he settled on Remus' lap.
"You need to talk to her. Or snog her. Or both. Preferably not at the same time, but you know, do what you must."
Indignant, Remus poked Sirius' ribs with a skinny finger.
"No! He needs to give her space, and let her figure out whatever she needs to figure out on her own."
James smiled at them as they started to play wrestle and almost fell off the bed. They were both making valid points. Or rather, Remus was making a valid point and Sirius was saying what he knew James wanted to hear. Which was perfect for him.
"By any chance, does one of you have the Map?" he asked as he got up from his bed.
"No, Peter told us he gave it to you last night."
"I didn't even see Peter last night," said James, repressing a frown as Lily's words came back to his mind. (I just don't trust him!) Sirius shrugged, too busy trying to strangle Remus with his own arm to really pay attention to the exchange.
"Well, you know how he's been those past couple months. Probably just forgot."
"Probably," repeated James slowly. He walked out of the room with no real destination in mind, and perhaps one too many goals. He needed to find the Map, Peter, Lily and a way to make the latter talk to him. Piece of cake.
He left the common room and just walked, letting his mind wander. It was already sundown but there was another hour left until curfew. And he needed to think.
He didn't realise it right away, but he was recreating the path Lily and him had took during their rounds, the night Mary died. It had been an unconscious decision, and a very poor one, as it led him to the last place he wanted to see.
He had not been in the Gunhilda of Gorsemoor Corridor since that night. It was the last place he ever saw Mary.
His gaze trailed on the stones lining the walls, where her last words had bounced. The entire corridor was tainted by a happy memory, soon turned tragic. It was the one place in the castle he avoided.
So it made perfect sense that Lily would be sitting here. She jumped to her feet as soon as she saw him, and walked away from him quickly, disappearing down a dark corridor.
So really, what choice did James have but to chase after her?
"Lily!" She was walking fast, her ponytail swaying behind her as she ignored James' call completely and ran down a flight of stairs. "Lily!"
She didn't look back and gave no sign she had heard him at all, simply walking a little faster. James clenched his fists in frustration and accelerated, his loud footsteps echoing down the stairs like thunder.
"Evans!" he called, angrily, in one last desperate attempt.
"What?" She turned around so fast and her voice was so sharp James took a step back in spite of himself. He didn't think she would actually turn to face him, much less answer him. This past week, he had grown so used to her slipping through his fingers, he hadn't given any thought to what he actually wanted to say to her.
"We need to talk about what happened last week in detention," he blurred out a second too late, and Lily rolled her eyes and kept walking.
"Nothing happened!"
"Stop pretending it was nothing!" said James, easily catching up with her and matching her speed. "It clearly wasn't!"
"I don't know what you're talking about! And I'm so tired of you always wanting to talk about everything!"
"What, would you rather do something else than talking?" he yelled, to be provocative, to get a reaction out of her, to make her look at him. "You tried to kiss me, Lily!" He barely had time to finish his sentence before her wand was out and pointed at him. He raised his hands defensively before realising that the damage had already been done and that his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth.
He never knew Lily's Silencing Charms could so effective. He never knew she was so strong, but he certainly did now, as she shoved him into an empty classroom and slammed the door behind them.
"Fine!" she erupted. "Fine, yeah, I did. Because I was lonely and miserable and a mess, and because you were there. Happy?"
She flicked her wand and broke the Silencing Charm but James didn't open his mouth.
Jaw clenched, he just looked at her. Stared at her, really, in a moment that felt suspended in time. Her words had hurt him, every single one of them, and in her face he looked for signs that she didn't mean them but there were none.
There was so much he wanted to say, so many things unsaid, drowned out by the noise of his thudding heartbeat.
There was so much he was feeling. So much but mostly disappointment. He didn't believe Lily could have been so cruel to let him believe there was something there, something mutual, and let him hold on to it just for a second before tearing it away from his hands. He didn't believe Lily would have let him to hope, when truly nothing was there.
Finally, fatally, she faltered under his stare, her shoulders rounding as the guilt seemed to physically settle on her.
"Look, I'm sorry," she said, and all anger seemed to have left her. "I know that's not you want to hear right now and I hate to say it like this but... I need space and I need time. I have so much healing to do still. So much growing, so much forgiving. Of you and of myself. I'm sorry I made you think there was anything between us, but I'm constantly overwhelmed, and constantly sad, and you had just offered me the first words of comfort I'd heard in a while. I made a mistake getting too close to you and I'm really sorry about that. Right now I can't... I'm not ready to-" She interrupted and looked away, blinking to chase the tears from her eyes.
James shook his head, his heart shattering over an apology he refused to hear. It wasn't true, it couldn't be true.
Desperately, he tried to hold on, to the little things. Like the way her nails were digging into her palms so hard her knuckles were turning white, like how she wouldn't look at him in the eyes, and how her voice was shaking, like the words struggled to get past her throat.
Desperately, he tried to quiet down the storm of emotion rising inside his heart. There was anger and there was pain and frustration and there was heartbreak and there was anger again. And he didn't want to be angry and he didn't want to raise his voice, not when Lily's eyes were already filled with tears. But he couldn't help it. He was furious.
"Look at me," he said, louder than he wanted. "Look at me and tell me you don't have feelings for me. Lily, look at me and tell me there's nothing between us."
Tears rolled down her cheeks. Tears that were heavier than the world. There was such sadness in her eyes, such desperation.
"James," she pleaded, shaking her head. "Please James, don't make me do this, please don't make me say it."
"Just tell me. Just tell me so I can move on."
She shut her eyes tightly and James' heart bled from the pain that she expressed, the same pain he was feeling. Funny how, in this moment, standing on opposite ends of the world, they shared everything.
"I can't say it, James," she whispered, choking on her own tears."I don't want to hurt you."
"Not knowing is hurting me," he replied, too loud and too angrily. "Having to always guess what you're feeling is hurting me. I'm hurt when you avoid me and I'm hurt when you lie to me. So please, be honest. Be honest just this one time. Look at me and tell me you feel something for me. Anything," he repeated in a strangled voice, and he wiped the tears from his face before she could notice them.
"I don't."
And that is how a world crumbles. Quietly.