"What, you don't think I'm capable of doing this?"

"I do, I just- I just don't think I can work like this with you, I'm sorry!"

The train ride to Hogwarts had not gone particularly well. For the first time, James had been expected to patrol in the corridor, instead of lounging in the comfort of a private compartment. He hated it.

In fact, everything had been nightmarish until the Sorting ceremony, in which he had enjoyed a quick break from responsibilities before being pulled back in, right as the feast started. A little boy had started to cry loudly at the Gryffindor table, scared and unhappy of not having been sorted into Slytherin, and James had had to comfort him while simultaneously breaking up the beginning of a food battle.

Everything was overwhelming and Lily wasn't of any help. She didn't look at him, or much less talk to him, not until after all the students had gone to bed and the madness had gone down.

They were patrolling in the corridors of the Gryffindor Tower, trying to keep their voices low and failing miserably. James was furious and Lily matched his tone exactly.

"What do you mean you can't work with me? We were friends! You told me we were! What the fuck changed?"

"Everything!" Her voice was strained and her eyes tired. "Everything changed, James! You, me, the world, everything is changing everyday!"

"You're not making any sense!" James clenched his jaw. She was frustrating. In the best of ways. She was always moving, never the same, forcing James to adapt quickly to follow her line of thinking. Arguing with her was like playing a Quidditch game, except the adrenaline rush was better and made his heart beat faster.

"Listen to me Lily, I promise you we can work well together, you just have to give this a chance and stop tuning me out!"

"I don't do that," Lily's voice got softer all of a sudden, and she titled her head as if offended by the accusation.

"Yes, you do, you did this all night."

She frowned and her eyes darkened as she passed her hand through her hair. For the first time since the arguing had started, she seemed destabilized, like she didn't know what to answer.

"I'm sorry if I did," she said finally. "I didn't mean to make you feel like you were alone in this. It's... overwhelming, I've been Head Girl for less than a day and I've barely managed to keep my head above the water. I didn't expect it to be this hard and this demanding. And being paired with you, of all people... You have no experience as a perfect, and we can't say we get along perfectly."

James huffed. That was an understatement.

Sure, they got along sometimes. He had a distant memory of late nights spent talking in the common room when everyone else was asleep, and those kind of nights were his favourites. They could talk about everything and nothing for hours and never get bored, because they were just that in sync.

But most of the time, they were unyielding forces in a never ending battle, and sparks flew when they got too close. She was fire, and he was the wind teasing her.

"No, you're right," James said. "We don't get along most of the times. But I love it."

Lily smiled when she looked at him and it sent his heart fluttering against his ribcage.

"I do too," she said softly. "And I have to admit... I didn't talk to you because I didn't think you'd want anything to do with me. After last year... Well, I- I never got the chance to apologize. I thought you'd be angry. You should be angry."

"I was." James interrupted. "For a while I was. But I'm over it, I know you can't force your feelings. Right now, I just want my friend back, that's it."

"Thank you." There was something in the way she said the words without looking at him, something in the way she carried herself, carefully, beautifully. There was something different about her and James couldn't quite put his finger on it.

They kept walking and when their fingers brushed against each other James stuffed his hand in his pocket. She was driving him crazy and he loved it. And he hated that he loved it. Everything was complicated, tangled into a giant mess of feelings she couldn't reciprocate. It was fine, he told himself. He was happy simply walking with her, talking to her, working alongside her as Head Boy and Head Girl.

"I am sorry, you know. About what I said."

He hadn't expected her to speak. She was looking at him with such intensity suddenly he didn't know what to do.

"It's okay," he said softly, because it really was.

"It really isn't."

There was a pause in which neither of them said anything, silence saturated by all the things left unsaid. There was so many, and they both knew it.

"Did I ruin everything?" she said. James turned to look at her and there was such anguish, such pain in her eyes that he stopped dead in his tracks.

"No, no, of course not."

"I feel like I did," she said, and she shifted on her feet to face him, guilt written so deeply in her eyes that it broke James' heart. "It was- well, it was perfect that moment, wasn't it?" She didn't have to say which, James knew exactly what she was talking about. That moment when she had leaned it, staring at his lips, he had replayed it over and over in his head. He wished it could be forever.

"Yeah. Yeah, it was."

"I'm sorry," she repeated, so low it was barely audible, but she was so close and it was so quiet that James heard it.

"Don't be."

"No, it's not that, I- I'm sorry because I lied."

"What?"

"Ask me again."

"What?" He didn't understand. Everything was too fast suddenly, but her eyes, her eyes fixated on his, they kept him grounded, they kept him cool.

"Ask me again, James." He understood. In a heartbeat, he understood.

"Do you like me, Lily?"

"I do."

And everything came crashing down.

Suddenly they were magnets, two mighty, incredible, unyielding forces, pulled to each other by something greater than themselves. They crashed together, lips meeting, hungry and taunting. Her teeth grazed against his bottom lip and he pulled her closer because he wanted more. More of her, more of everything.

It was urgency and precipitation and passion, oh so much passion. He couldn't breathe but he didn't need air, he needed her. She tasted of apples and of everything he couldn't have, everything that was forbidden and sacred.

Her hand on the back of his head, messing up his hair, was something he never knew he needed, but now he wasn't sure how he had ever lived without it. He would drown in her perfume if he could. She was intoxicating, addicting, and she was everywhere.

His heart broke when she pulled away from him, her lips red and swollen, her eyes filled with tears.

"Why are you crying?"

"I shouldn't have done this." She took a step back and everything fell apart. She was going to leave. Again.

It was the last thing he should be doing, but James grabbed her wrist before she could get away, and held her there, softly but firmly. She would not run away again, she would not ignore him again, she would not break his heart again. He wouldn't be able to take it.

"Don't you dare run away from me, Evans. Not again. We're gonna talk about it, whether you want it or not."

More tears ran on her cheeks and James forced himself to be strong. To hold his head up high and resist the urge to kiss her again.

"Lily, talk to me," he said, and it was a supplication more than it was a request.

"I CAN'T," she snapped. "I CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY?" Angry and vibrant with passion. With fear. There were more tears on her cheeks than James could handle seeing.

"Why can't you?" It was merely a whisper, because everything inside of him was broken and he wasn't sure he could ever function again.

"Blood traitors are in just as much danger as Muggleborns." The answer came quiet. Devastating.

It took James a second for the words to register in his brain, for him to understand the implications. Then it clicked. Something he had never dared to even hope, it was true, it was true.

"Are you worried about me, Lily?"

"Yes. Obviously, I am, yes. James, I... I can't lose you, I don't want to lose you, and that's why I can't have you."

"I'm already a blood traitor though, my entire family is. Being with you isn't what's putting me in danger. And I don't care what people think, I don't care if dating you makes me a target. I don't care about danger, I care about you."

"James, we can't. I won't risk it, I won't compromise your safety for selfish reasons, I..." She bit her lip and looked away, the words she would not speak still caught in her eyes. "This," she gestured at the air in between them. "This, between us, this cannot happen. No matter how much I want it, and believe me, I want it."

James didn't know how to feel. He was caught between two opposite emotions, gigantic monsters tearing him in half. She wanted him. She had said so. That was all he ever had wanted to hear and he had heard it. Yet his heart was shattered and a million glass pieces cut holes in his chest.

They couldn't be together.

What hurt most was that he understood. Because no matter how different they were, no matter how much they argued. They understood each other.

And they couldn't be together.

"Can I kiss you again?" He didn't have time to stop himself from asking. He didn't have the courage.

"Yeah," she breathed.

They closed the gap there was between them and their lips pressed against each other. It was goodbye, goodbye, goodbye to the girl that he loved, the girl that loved him too.

Because from the raw, passionate way she kissed him, from the way her hand was cupping his face, delicately, James could tell she loved him too.

But it was goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, I can never have you.

Goodbye, I love you.