CLARKE

For the first time since I set foot on this planet I really don't know what to do. Or to say.

Jesus - or should I say Aden? - left minutes ago, followed by Luna and Tara. Lexa hasn't said a word since. She hasn't even moved. And so neither have I.

I turn my head to look at her. Her eyes are fixed on nothing. I'm not even sure she realizes I'm still here. Cautious not to scare her I gently lay my hand on her upper arm.

"He's wrong," I quietly tell her, "You know that, right?"

She draws her lips between her teeth, swallows visibly, then slowly faces me.

"Is he?"

"Of course he is!" I cry out, startling myself with my forcefulness. I lower my voice again. "You were the most bold, the most committed and the most caring Commander one could wish for. Always striving for a better world, with less war. Less pain. You were the only one who didn't want to hide behind traditions or culture any longer. Who made people see that it's not always an eye for an eye."

She scoffs. "And yet I didn't do anything to protect those kids." Her voice sounds unrelenting. "I went through the same childhood, survived in the most horrible way, then had to become someone I didn't even want to be. I experienced it - lived it! - and still made them go through the same."

"You cared about them! I've seen it with my own eyes."

"I did," she nods, "Which makes it even worse..."

She jumps off the hood and straightens her back. "He's got every right to hate me."

Without waiting for my response she turns around and starts to walk towards the camp. Still unable to move I watch her go. I can see her misery reflected in her defeated stride, in her slumped shoulders. Like she's carrying the weight of the whole world on her shoulders, all by herself. All alone.

Then it hits me.

Taking a sprint I quickly catch up with her. "It wasn't you," I pant, my chest rising and falling as I gasp for air. "You told me yourself. The other Commanders, their voices in your head, being stronger than anything. Insisting-"

"Clarke!"

"No, listen to me! I know you feel guilty, but how can you be when you weren't in control?"

She inhales sharply. "You make it sound like I wasn't me. Tell me this, then. You think it was them who changed Finn's death sentence? You think it was them accepting you as our allies, as our 13th clan?" Taking a step closer she looks deeply into my eyes. "You think it was them who fell in love with you?"

I stare back at her, speechless.

"The Flame tells you to be the best Commander. It reminds you to fulfill your duty. Which is why I knew Madi would never leave. How to be that Commander, that's up to you though. I'm not blaming anyone else for my decisions. And neither should you. I failed those kids. I let them down. That's something I will have to live with."

I feel conflicted. It hurts to see her this upset, this angry with herself, but I can't help feeling a little proud as well. She doesn't shirk away from her responsibility. I realize she doesn't want me to say anything to make her feel better. So instead I take a deep breath, force a small yet sad smile and just nod.

She takes my hand and gives it a light squeeze. "Come on," she sighs, "We've got less than a day to come up with a new plan. We need to find the others."

Our camp looks the way we left it, except that it seems deserted now. It isn't though. As soon as we reach the campfire spot in the middle of it Al and Strand appear from both sides.

"You're back!" Strand welcomes us.

"We are," Lexa grins, although her eyes don't match her smile. "Where is everyone? They aren't looking for us, are they?"

Al shakes her head. "No, they're not. We found your note. They're just scavenging." She closes the distance between us, continuing in a soft voice, "You did got me worried though."

Lexa takes a seat on one of the logs. "You really didn't had to. At least not about our trip."

"What's going on?" Strand asks, his forehead creasing into a frown as he squats down. When Al sits down as well I don't hesitate to do the same. Lexa briefly glances at me, inhales and nods as if to say 'here we go', then looks at her friends again.

"Okay, I'm just gonna say it. We can't stay here. We have to be gone before the break of day."

She shares the news in one long breath. For a moment the others just stare at her.

"But... why?" Al questions, "Did we do something to piss them off?"

"You didn't," Lexa reassures her, "And neither did Clarke!" she quickly adds when they're both suddenly looking at me. "Look, it's me. I know a few of them from a long time ago, and-"

"Lexa!"

Luna's voice makes us all look up. As she makes her way towards us Strand frowns again.

"Alright, that's the second time someone calls you Lexa. What's up with that?"

Lexa opens her mouth, but no words come out.

"You didn't know she's actually called Alexa? Lexa for short?" I come to her rescue, "Huh, I'd think she would have told you somewhere over the years."

"Y- Yeah," Lexa stammers, her eyes meeting Luna's who's now joining us, "It's true. I just... I always hated that name. So I changed it into Alicia when I was like twelve, or something. She doesn't know any better," she goes on with her eyes still on Luna, before directing them at me, "And she's just a big tease."

Acting along I pull a face and shrug. "I just got a thing for the past."

Luna sits down on the ground with us. "Right, of course - Alicia. Sorry about that!" she starts as she stifles a laugh, " I uhm, I talked to Jesus."

Lexa jerks up her head. "Did he change his mind?"

"No. He just clarified that he was only talking about you. You need to go. The rest can stay."

Deeply exhaling, Lexa stares at her feet. She doesn't say anything.

"You gotta know, Jesus... he's not like this," Luna goes on. "He's a good guy. Friendly. Fair. And merciful. So whatever happened between the two of you must have really hurt him."

"It did. And I am to blame. So I will go," Lexa sighs, breaking my heart as she does so. I rest my hand on her knee.

"We will go," I tell them.

Strand stands up and stretches his legs, groaning since he's been kneeling down for too long. "I have no clue what you guys are talking about, but if you're going, I'm going."

Lexa thanks him with a grateful smile, but before she can speak up Luna comes in between.

"Well, here's the thing. I might know a place where you could go - Tara just told me about it. But they have a women-only policy." She looks up at Strand, apology shining through in her eyes.

Al leans forward. "There must be other safe places you know of...?"

"Yes, I know two more," Luna nods, "They're up north. But Hilltop works closely with them. All together, we're like one big community. So Jesus will not allow you to go there."

I shift in my seat, then turn towards Lexa. "What do you think?"

"I don't know." She shakes her head slowly before looking up again, her eyes now on her friends. "I lost one family already. I don't think I can lose another."

Now Strand's the one to show her a smile, warm and caring. "I hear you, girl. But for now it all comes down to safety. It's pretty clear there's nothing in this whole wide area, nowhere to be safe. The dead are in the majority. And then there are these clowns with their masks. We gonna need an army to defeat them!"

"What are you saying?" Lexa asks him.

"I'm saying we need all the safety we can get. If you can get in there, and we can get in here, then we live. We live, and we become part of a bigger world, and we become strong enough to fight whoever we need to fight. We survive and... and..."

"...we meet again," I complete his sentence.

He nods. "And we meet again."

Lexa heaves another sigh. "I don't know," she murmurs again, before looking at Luna. "Where exactly is this place?"

Luna takes a stick of the ground and sweeps the leaves aside with her foot. She draws a cross in the sand. "Okay, we're here. About seventy miles southwest of DC." She writes the letters down, followed by two more small crosses close to the D. "These are our other communities, so let's call that the wrong direction for now. This area in the middle is even more no-go, as it's claimed by the Whisperers."

She swiftly moves the stick through the soil, indicating a rather large area.

I raise my brows. "Weren't we there this morning?"

"Yes, right here," Luna nods, drawing another small cross, about twenty miles north from Hilltop. "Now as you can see you don't want to go in that direction. Oceanside, on the other hand, is somewhere... here!" She draws an O, southeast of Hilltop, and too far away from it for my liking.

Lexa seems to read my mind. "Seems far away," she mumbles.

"According to Tara, about eighty miles. A four hour ride, without any trouble. Or a three day hike... at least," Luna confirms my suspicion. She throws the stick to the side. "It's not next door, but not the end of the world either."

I swallow. It is when you've got a kid a hundred miles away.

Without a word Lexa suddenly gets up. I tilt my head and follow her with my eyes as she starts pacing back and forth. She looks pensive.

"I think you should do-"

"No!" she harshly interrupts Al, yet with her eyes back on Luna. "It's too far, and in the wrong direction. I'm sorry, I appreciate you trying to help, but it's not an option."

I jump to my feet before anyone can fight her on this. Grabbing her by the elbow I pull her along with me, until we're out of hearing distance.

"You're thinking about Madi, aren't you?" I quietly ask her.

"Of course I am!" she exclaims, though also beneath her breath. "About Madi, and about you. You can't be that far apart from each other. I won't let that happen. If we want to get her back-"

"Lexa, we are not getting her back! Not any time soon. No matter where we are. That's a fact we have to accept. A fact I have to accept." A sad sigh escapes me. "She made her choice. And even though I don't particularly like that choice, I am proud of her for making it. For knowing what she wants, and acting to it. You know, people keep telling me she's like me, but to be honest she's way more like you. If I didn't know any better..."

I wink and finally get her to laugh for a moment.

"I think Strand is right," I go on without joking, "We all need to be safe for now. And we need to trust that Madi is okay, even though she's in this... this Whisperer territory. She is safe. Cause she's got an army of Grounders to protect her. Who are real warriors. Those folks here are nothing compared to them! You know that. She's got Indra by her side. And a huge arsenal of weapons from the Eligius those people here can only dream about. Truth is, if anyone can defeat those assholes, it's Madi."

"So you'll have her go to war while we drink piña colada's at the beach?"

I shake my head. "No. I'm going to build her a home. Make sure she actually has something to fight for. With the choice she made not to leave them, and the choice you made not to join them, that's really all I can do."

She squints at me. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

"I am," I nod as I tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, "But only if you're with me."

Her eyes drift off to the camp. To her friends with whom she has traveled and lived with for so long. When she turns to me again she slowly bobs her head. "I'm with you. Of course I'm with you."

"Then let's tell Luna," I smile, secretly a little relieved.

Lexa lowers her chin, widening her eyes. "Magna," she corrects me.

"Right! Magna! Magna, Magna, Magna! I really need to get that into my system," I smirk as I pull her close to me. "Can I still call you Lexa, though?"

"You can call me anything you want," she hums, "But I prefer Baby, Gorgeous or, you know... the greatest love of your life."

My laughter is cut off by her lips.

When we break apart I take her hand in mine. Together we join the small group again.

"We'll go to Oceanside," my indeed Greatest Love tells Magna(!). "How will we find it?"

She gets up. "I'll ask Tara to draw a map - a real one," she grins, "And I'll go with you. Yumiko and I both will."

"Yumiko? No, we can't ask her to walk that far," Lexa calls out, wide-eyed.

Magna smiles at her. "She can do it, trust me. By tomorrow it's been two days. The stitches will hold, right?"

I nod. They will.

"We can use the car, it will bring us at least halfway before it's empty again," she goes on. "Maybe I can get us a horse as well."

Lexa lets go of my hand and takes a step towards her old friend. "You really don't have to c-"

"I told you I'd help you, didn't I?" Magna cuts her off.

Lexa's lips curve into a thankful smile.

I join them and lightly rest my hand on Lexa's lower back. "So it's the four of us?"

"Make that five," Al speaks up before anyone can confirm my question. "I will come, too."

Taken by surprise, we all stare at her.

"You are?" Lexa asks in astonishment.

"Hell yeah," she laughs, "Being around saves me from worrying. Plus it's all women there, right? I bet there's some great story behind that!"

... ...