James kicked open the door to his dorm room and it bounced on the wall with a loud bang.

"She loves me," he declared, sticking out his chest, his chin up to the ceiling.

"Well, you sure know how to make an entrance." Sirius had barely looked up from the deal of cards he held in his hand, but both Peter and Remus were starting at James with eyes wider than cauldrons.

"Who loves you?"

"Lily."

"Lily Evans?"

"How many freaking Lilies do we know? Yes, Lily Evans."

Sirius finally raised his head, and smiled up at James in disbelief.

"How do you know? Did she tell you?"

James smiled back at him. He didn't know how to feel, was overwhelmed by the feelings that mixed together inside his chest in a dissonant cacophony.

He was happy, he was so happy, because she loved him, she really loved him. That kiss had been the best of his life, his lips still tingled from it, and his face burned at the simple memory of it. She loved him, she loved him, she loved him, it was not in his head. It was real.

So the sadness underneath it all, well it was doubled by confusion. Because they were such contradictory feelings, dancing together, embracing each other. And he didn't know if he should laugh or cry. If he should collapse in Sirius' arms or dance around the room with Peter.

Because that sadness, it was here for a reason. They couldn't be together, that was what Lily had said.

And he knew she was right, he knew it was too dangerous, for him like for her.

But right now, staying apart, it felt like the opposite of a solution.

And she loved him, she loved him, she loved him, so why should any of the rest matter? She loved him and he loved her.

"James?"

Oh, right. He had a question to answer.

"Sorry, what?"

"How do you know? That she loves you."

James smiled again and collapsed on his bed. Because for the first time in a long time, he felt like the teenager that he was, heartbroken and happy beyond reason.

"She kissed me," he said dreamily.

"WHAT!"

"WHEN?"

"WHY?"

If he expected that reaction, it still made him laugh. The surprised expressions of his friends and the shock written in their eyes made everything worth it.

Sirius precipitately climbed on the bed next to James and repeated his question, in a breath so quiet it was almost like it escaped him.

"What?"

"Yeah," James nodded. "She did."

He could barely believe it himself, but saying it out loud made him so real. Because it was real. It had happened.

He felt like crying now. Because it wouldn't happen again.

And Sirius saw it, he saw the tears building up in James' eyes, he saw the despair, the anguish, the confusion, he felt how tightly James clasped his hand, and James dug his fingers into Sirius' skin because there was nothing else to hold onto.

So Sirius pulled him into a hug so tight James couldn't breathe. He didn't want to breathe anyway. He wanted the suffocate, because the thought of loving Lily and losing her in the same night, well he didn't want to live with it.

"Are you okay?" said Remus softly.

And no, James wasn't okay, not really. It would take him a while to be okay. But he would be eventually.

"I've been better," he replied.

"You know what you need?" ask Sirius, pulling away from the hug and keeping James at arms length, his hands on James' shoulders.

"What?"

"A party."

"A party?" James, Peter and Remus had spoken at the same time, with varying degrees of incredulity in their voices.

Partying was the last thing on James' mind right now. He either wanted to run into the Forbidden Forest and never be seen again, or make his blanket into a cape and pretend he was someone else. He wanted to forget he was broken-hearted James, sat on his sad bed, in a sad dorm room he had lived in for too long.

"What's a party gonna do for me?"

"Get your mind off of things. Help you get out of your head. Just give me a day to organize it, that's all I ask."

"Tomorrow's the first day of class, Pads," warned Remus.

"Urgh, don't remind me."

James laughed, a little shakily, and squeezed Sirius' hand.

"A party would be great actually. In times like these, we should make of every little thing an opportunity to celebrate. And Lily loves me. If that isn't a miracle worth a thousand parties, I don't know what is."

"I knew you'd say that," said Sirius.

And he kept his word. The next day, he threw the best party to have ever happened in the Gryffindor common room.

James had no idea how Sirius had managed to gather this many people in such a short time, but almost half of the Hufflepuff house was there, as well as a couple older Ravenclaws. The music was loud, there were Firewhisky bottles everywhere he looked, candies and cakes of all colors and textures.

The ground vibrated from the stomping and dancing, and the echo reverberated into each of James' bones. He was there, but he wasn't there.

His muscles were there, shaking with the music. His heart was there, pumping blood and alcohol into his veins. His lungs were there, breathing the air a hundred people breathed at the same time.

But his mind was elsewhere. When he danced, when he looked at the slight trembling of the walls engorged with Sirius' modified Muffliato Charm, when he laughed and smiled and talked, he wasn't there. Not really.

And it didn't matter that tonight was perfect and that there was about seven girls, following him around, laughing at his jokes, tossing their hair above their shoulders, desperately feeding off of crumbs of his attention, none of that mattered. Because Lily was there, sat in the corner, and because she looked the furtherest thing from happy.

He knew he shouldn't think about her. He knew he shouldn't even look in her direction. He knew he should try to forget about her, and her freckles and her smile and her hair and the way she laughed. He knew all of that.

So he danced with Elena, talked to Rose, drank with Amy, danced again, but with Susan this time. And only when his blood buzzed with energy, only when his vision was fuzzy, only when he felt he couldn't stand straight, only then did he look at Lily.

And perhaps it was the alcohol messing with his brain, perhaps it was the lack of air in the room, but what he saw didn't seem real. Because he saw Lily, leaving the common room behind Sirius.

And perhaps it was the alcohol again, but he knew he had to follow them. Explain why he had danced with so many girls, explain why it didn't mean anything. Apologize.

It was hard to walk in a straight line, but he did his best. Held his finger up to tell the girls around him to give him a minute. And as silently as he could, he left the common room.

The portrait slid shut behind him. The silence outside was deafening. After the music, the laughs, the sounds that had filled his brain and replaced his every thought, finding himself in a quiet and empty corridor was terrifying.

The only sound was the hushed conversation of the two people he loved the most in the world, quietly leaving the Gryffindor Tower.

James tried to be quiet when he followed them. It hadn't been his intention at the beginning, but now he just wanted to know what they were talking about. Because what could they be talking about if not him?

He held his breath in the staircase, walked softly at the corner of the corridor, and when a door clicked shut, he rushed to it and listened to the voices that kept rising.

"Why is it so important to you? Why do you care?"

Lily. And her hushed, desperate tones.

"Because James is important to me." Sirius' voice was calmer than it had ever been. "And so are you. You're my friend. And right now, what you're doing to yourself, what you're doing to James, it makes me think you've given up hope."

"No, I haven't."

Even through the wood of the door, her lie was perceptible. James tried to not smile at her stubbornness but he couldn't help it. He smiled but he could burst into tears on the spot. He felt insane.

"Then what is it all for?" Sirius continued. "Tell me. What am I doing? Because if this is about protecting James, if everything we have to do, constantly, is shielding ourselves from a danger that's inevitable, I don't think it's worth it. I don't think being miserable is worth it. Look, I get it. You don't think I get it? I'm the disowned heir of the Black family. A gay blood traitor who fell in love with a werewolf. Do you think I should cut all ties with James, so he isn't associated with me? That I should walk away from him, from all of this, just so he can have a chance at a peaceful life?"

The tone in Sirius' voice was breaking James' heart. The distress, the sadness, the anger and the terror, James felt it all.

"No," Lily breathed. "He couldn't live a second without you."

"He couldn't live a second without you either," said Sirius. "You know this. And dating you isn't going to put him in more danger than he already is in. He's James Potter. He's going to fight this war, you know it as well as I do. We could both leave him, me and you, we could both break his heart and he would still fight this war. Alone. So please, do the right thing. If you love him, if you really love him, you would be with him."

"But I'm scared."

If James had had a heart left in his body, if the shattered pieces weren't already burning holes in his chest, if he wasn't already a shell of a man, perhaps this sentence would have killed him. Lily's voice was terribly quiet, terribly low, terribly real.

"I'm scared too."

And somehow, hearing those words in Sirius' voice was worst.

James leaned against the wall and tried to take back control over his shaking knees and his shallow breath. He too was scared.

But when the door opened, he was brave. When Lily stumbled into the corridor, when she saw him, James was brave.

"I love you," he said. He was brave. "Let's give this a try."

He was brave.

"Okay," Lily said.

He was so brave.