LEXA | ALICIA

I did not think this through.

When the question was raised whether to join Clarke or not, the only thing I asked myself was: am I ready to face my people again? To be me again? The short answer was no. I was not.

Yet unlike before I knew it didn't matter. It didn't matter what I wanted, or needed. Cause this wasn't about me. It was about her. I would go for her. To support her with the calamity she was about to face. Ready or not. Because I meant it. I meant it when I told her I'd die for her. It's the truth. I do anything for her. Even facing my own past. My own demons.

It's easy as that.

What I didn't realize though was that joining her to see Madi meant going into freaking space!

Now I have been in airplanes a few times, before the world went down. When I was still a toddler and Mom and Dad, who was still with us then, took me and Nick to Spain for a holiday. And years later, when Travis took all of us to meet his family in New Zealand. But this is no airplane. I don't even know what to call this. An unidentified flying object? Regardless the name, by the looks of its giant engines alone it tells me it's something that doesn't just... take off. It's going to launch us.

The thought alone makes me squeeze the edge of my seat, bracing myself for whatever comes next.

"Relax baby," Clarke tries to calm me down from the seat right next to mine. "Raven and Shaw are the best, they know what they're doing."

I glance through the window that separates us from the pilot cabin. They are preparing themselves for our flight - as I quickly decide to call it to make it sound as normal as possible - and seem quite at ease.

Turning my head I look at Clarke.

"You know this is anything but normal for literally anyone who isn't Skaikru, right?"

"I know," she smiles patiently, "We took some guests before, remember? You should have seen Indra on her first launch. Pale as moonlight!"

An instant, soft chuckle escapes me. It's hard to imagine Indra scared, but I really can't blame her, considering the jumbled ball of nerves in my own belly right now.

Clarke takes my hand. "Think of your song. It's happening, you're going to live it. You're going to sail across the sun. All the way to the Milky Way..."

"...to see the lights all fade," I mumble along with her. Now I'm the one who's smiling. "You learned the lyrics? How?!"

"I asked Al," she shrugs nonchalantly, "I guessed she'd probably knew it as well. She did, though she wasn't a fan like you."

"That's because she had to listen to me sing it for years when we were making miles," I confess with a slight not-even-sorry grin.

"Yep, she mentioned that, too. I think she was just joking though, she didn't really seemed to have mind."

"Probably not, no. We're always bantering, I guess it's kind of our thing. But we're never serious. It's just our way of... killing time." Thinking back of our years on the road I stare at my hand inside of Clarke's. "...I think."

Clarke gives me a soft, playful squeeze. "You think? Did I miss anything?"

Suddenly a little uncomfortable I shift in my seat. It's not even because of her, she mostly just sounds curious. Entertained even.

"I don't know," I murmur. Is it hot in here? "Forget about it. It's stupid... and embarrassing."

"Stupid and embarrassing sound like the perfect ingredients to get your mind off all this for a second," she winks, gesturing at all the high-tech around us, and though I wish she was wrong I know she probably isn't.

A bit uneasy I clear my throat. "I just... I sometimes felt there was this... this chemistry between us. Or I thought so, I was never sure. And I didn't know how to feel about that. It confused me, obviously, because of, you know... the girl-thing. And maybe even more because although it unsettled me, I actually kind of liked it."

I glare at her from the corner of my eye, looking for some sign of understanding. I find it in her nod.

"You'd never been with a girl?" she asks with a soft smile.

I shake my head. "No. Well, at least not that I remembered!" Our eyes meet and - unable to stop ourselves - we both giggle at the same time. At moments like this it still strikes me how absurd this whole situation is. "I was hardly twenty when we met. Hormones raging, but till then only when it was about boys. I never even thought about girls. Like I said, the whole thing was confusing as hell. So I went for the easy way."

She raises her eyebrows, creasing her forehead.

"Full blown denial," I shrug.

She snorts, though with compassion, so I don't mind.

"You think it was another dot?" she asks, "The girl-thing, I mean."

My eyes drift off. "I don't know. Maybe."

We stay quiet for a few moments, my hand still in hers, before I abruptly turn towards her again.

"Nothing ever happened. I'm not even sure if there ever was anything to happen. I could've been wrong the entire time. Might as well been all in my head. And whatever the hell I thought I was feeling, it's all gone. As soon as I saw you I-"

"Lexa!" Clarke stops my rambling, "Calm down, it's okay. You had a life - between ours and this one. And you lived it. I'm glad! I'm glad you found people you care about, and who care about you." She lets go of my hand and lifts hers to my cheek, gently caressing it. "And I'm not worried for a second that you might be thinking about anyone else. I know I'm yours. It's in your eyes, every time I look into them."

I gasp, unaware till now that I was holding my breath. "I- I just want you to know that I wasn't confused. When I saw you again, I mean. Not for a second. People always talk about not messing up facts and feelings, but when it's about you, about my feelings for you, it is a fact. There's no question. No counter-hypothesis. You are my other half."

She leans in. "And you are my other half," she sighs against my lips before kissing them, "The most cheesy, dorky other half I could wish for!"

"Shut up!" I grumble, already searching for her lips.

Tick tick.

"Buckle up, lovebirds!" Raven draws our attention, tapping the window. "We're off in a few minutes. Be ready!"

She turns to her pilot seat next to Shaw without waiting for our reaction - mine being subconsciously gasping for air, now that I'm reminded where we are and what we're about to do. So far for the distraction.

I watch Clarke closing the buckle in her lap. A seat belt? We're getting launched into space with just a seat belt to keep us in place?! Clarke's clear laughter makes me look up at her again.

"Don't worry," she snickers, "this is just the first one."

She pulls down a firm shoulder harness till it clicks, seemingly keeping her tight at her spot. If I wouldn't know any better I'd say she's about to take a ride at the carnival.

"Just like a rollercoaster, right?" I murmur as I follow her example.

Clarke tries to look at me, which isn't that easy anymore now that she's all locked in. "I wouldn't know, actually. I've never been in one. Only know them from Earth class. Aren't they going upside down?"

"Sometimes, yeah," I nod, while double checking the harness by trying to get out, which I can't.

"See, then this should be a walk in the park for you," she laughs. "No loopings on this ride. Nonetheless, if it helps you can still hold my hand. Although you might feel more secure holding on to the rail."

Right then the engines start to blast - sounding even louder than before, now that I'm actually inside this monstertruck from space. Shaw raises his hand, indicating we're about to take off, and Raven starts to count down over the speaker.

My hand lets go of the rail before she gets to zero, finding Clarke's without giving it a second thought. Nothing in this whole wide world, including space, can make me feel more secure than she does.

... ...

"Okay, I think I'm officially done with rollercoasters. For like... forever. Next time when you plan a trip, just take me to the zoo, or something!"

"Right, cause the last time was such a success," Clarke giggles. Unlike me she sounds completely normal.

I frown. "When did we ever go to the zoo?!"

She leans forward to look at me. "Don't tell me you forgot about Pauna!?"

"Oh right," I chuckle, "Wait, you're telling me that wasn't the perfect first date for you? Huh, I guess we need a do-over then."

Her laughing gets interrupted by the hissing sound of the shoulder harnesses moving upwards again, freeing us from their tight grip. I unclasp the buckle around my waist.

"Well, that's disappointing," I mumble.

Clarke turns in her seat to face me. She looks puzzled. "What is?"

"I'm not... going anywhere. We're in space. Aren't we supposed to float around?"

I can tell she tries to suppress another laugh, but she fails. "Sorry babe, I'm afraid we managed to have gravity up here. If you wanna experience Zero-G you have to step out. Which I wouldn't recommend."

"Are you kidding me? There's absolutely no feeling compared to getting out there," Raven cries out as she just steps into the passengers cabin. She looks over her shoulder at Shaw, who's right behind her. "Well, except being with you."

We get up and follow them towards the exit, which looks like a heavy, steel door. Raven pulls a lever, opening it with another hiss. There's a young woman waiting for us on the other side. Her lips curve as soon as she sees us. Or Clarke, to be more specific.

"Hello, old friend," she smiles. Her voice is calm, and a little husky.

"Niylah," Clarke breathes with a mirrored smile, one you save for old friends indeed, and speeds towards her for a warm embrace. "It's so good to see you again!" When she lets go again she steps aside and turns around, facing me again.

"Niylah, this is-"

"Heda!" Niylah exclaims in awe. Before I can stop her she already kneels down, her eyes on the floor between us. "It's an honor."

She's pretty. Not that I had any reason to assume she wouldn't be, but for some reason I hadn't pictured her like this. It doesn't matter to me though. Quite to my own surprise I don't feel any jealousy, or discomfort. At least not about the fact that she's shared the sheets with my girl.

"Please get up," I quietly tell her, "I'm not your Commander anymore."

She stands up without hesitation, but when her eyes meet mine I can still catch a hint of veneration and subservience.

"I.. I can not believe you're here. Even though Raven informed me, even though I'm seeing you with my own eyes, I..." She lowers her lashes again.

I take a step closer to her and rest my hand upon her upper arm, somehow hoping to... I don't know... break the spell, I guess.

"It's alright. It's confusing for me, too. But I mean it, I'm not someone to look up to, to follow or to serve. I'm just..." I fall quiet mid-sentence, as it hits me: I actually have no clue who I am anymore. I swallow. "I'm just Lexa."

Niylah looks up again. "Of course, if that's what you want. But, please, let me take this opportunity, just this one time, for all those times that you were my leader, that you gave yourself for all people of Trikru, and for peace... let me say thank you for that."

I accept her praise with one single nod, realizing she's not the only one feeling gratitude. I can feel my expression soften, with the smallest smile creeping on my face. I lean in just a little.

"Thank you. For being there for Clarke, when I... couldn't."

Now she's the one to nod - an unspoken, shared feeling of respect and understanding between us, before taking a step back and looking at Clarke again.

"Let me take you to Madi. She's waiting for you."

We both follow her through a corridor which already tells me how big this place must be. We stop in front of a door that says 'Clinic'.

"Why is she still in here?" Clarke asks, her voice suddenly filled with worry. "Raven said she was doing fine."

"She was," Niylah nods. "She recovered. But then the fevers came back. Maybe because of the infected blood, we don't know."

"She's still her though, is she?" Clarke goes on, her lip now trembling. "Sh- She..."

I take a step closer and wrap my arm around her. "She didn't turn, did she?"

Niylah shakes her head. "No. No, she didn't. But she's afraid she might. So she asked us to chain her."

Clarke's head shoots up. "You chained her?!"

"Only because she made us," Niylah quietly admits, before she looks at me with apologies in her eyes. "She's our Heda now."

"I know," I nod, "And I know about the power that comes with that. The Flame can be very convincing. And it can also protect you from a lot of things - maybe even from this. But it doesn't protect you from fear. She may be your Commander now, but she's also just a kid."

I pull Clarke a little closer against me, before I step forward, to the door.

"She doesn't need chains," I go on, not waiting any longer to open it, "She needs her mom."

... ...