LEXA | ALICIA

I'm insane.

That's the last thing she said to me, right before Abby and Jackson walked in to start the blood transfusion. After they told us Clarke's procedure would take at least an hour she sent me away to get some rest - ignoring my heavy objections, and putting our conversation on hold.

I wasn't in for a nap though. Which is why I started wandering around, getting a bit more familiar with this strange new surrounding. Why I'm strolling down one of the many corridors as we speak, letting my fingers glide over the cool steel that forms the walls.

It surprises me how every hallway, every room, every corner looks this futuristic, despite being age-old. Yet ancient or not, the gigantic spaceship does match the imagination of someone who grew up with astronaut stories and sci-fi movies. Nevertheless, walking around here feels extremely surreal, and I try to imagine how I would have experienced this trip if I still had been just Lexa. I can't, and I give up trying when I happen to find a bathroom with an actual shower, which is screaming my name.

The hot, running water makes me forget about my tired bones, and even my need to be alert all the time, but can't rinse off Clarke's words. Is she right?

Not much later I return to the clinic, cleaner than I ever thought possible and feeling close to reborn (once again). They're still busy with Madi, but Jackson tells me Clarke is ready and I can see her. He points me to the recovery room three doors down.

After a soft knock I open the only barrier that separates us - except for some ideas about our future, apparently - and step inside the dimly lit room. I close the door behind me. Clarke is alone, awake, and by the looks of it - though somewhat pale - unscathed.

"Hey gorgeous," I smile, swiftly walking up to her. Without giving it a second thought I climb onto her bed and lay down next to her, nestling my head in the crook of her neck.

"Mmm," she hums, "You smell good."

The memory alone is enough to make me beam from ear to ear. "I had a shower. A bubbly, steaming shower. The first one I had in... I can't even remember!"

She buries her nose in my hair, which is still damp, and presses down a soft kiss. "The first one you had in space," she murmurs.

"That too," I chortle, "Though that basically counts for pretty much everything up here." Brushing my thumb over the band-aid on her arm I tilt my head and look up at her, no longer laughing. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been worse," she answers, her bright eyes locking mine, "They sure got my head spinning though!"

I show her a compassionate smile. "I can bring you cookies?"

"I don't want cookies," she says with a soft but determined voice, while her hand slowly moves up, her fingernails faintly scratching the bare skin of my arm. I narrow my eyes, questioning.

"Then what do you want?"

As her hand finds the back of my neck one corner of her mouth quirks up. "You," she simply states. She leans in, about to connect our lips, but I manage to pull back.

"What are you doing? You just donated a gallon of blood!"

"So?" she shrugs with a teasing smug on her face, not to mention a pretty irresistible sparkle in her eyes.

"So?!" I echo bewildered, "I bet you can't even walk!"

She wiggles her brows. "I'm not planning on walking. I just want to make your head spin a little, too." Shuffling down on the bed she's suddenly eye to eye with me; our foreheads almost touching and her warm breath hitting mine. Her voice drops a notch. "You look so hot when you're wet."

She lets her lips graze against mine, softly and excruciatingly slow. They're trembling. Or is that me?

"Clarke," I mutter, my voice nothing more than a whimper, and betraying me big time. I'm so gonna lose this.

"I just want to be close to you," she breathes, "We're hardly ever alone. I won't go crazy, I promise."

She seeks for my lips again, but I turn my head, avoiding her kiss. "St- Stop," I stammer with my last willpower, "Someone could walk in!"

Gently cradling my jaw she makes me look at her again. "I'll be quick, I swea-"

I cut her off by capturing her lips in a searing kiss, wet and hungry, and probably stupid. But I don't care. Not anymore. She wants to take my breath away? To steal the last air out of my lungs, and the body that comes with it? It's fine. It's all hers. I'm all hers.

As long as it's right now.

With our lips crashing and our tongues twirled around each other I brusquely grab her hand that's now tangled in my hair and direct it down to the waistband of my jeans. A short giggle escapes our lips as we both fumble impatiently with the button to get it open, but we're done laughing as soon as her hand slips into my panties - making me gasp as it grazes over my most sensitive spot.

Using my arousal her slippery fingers slowly slide up and down, before they start to rub me in a rhythmic, circular motion. I squirm against them, unable to stop myself. The sigh I let out is followed by a deep moan, and it doesn't take long before I feel the pressure building inside me.

With our faces this close to each other all I can see are Clarke's darkened, lusty eyes. She draws her lips along my cheek, to my ear.

"Still want me to stop?" she pants, hot air caressing my neck and making me quiver.

"Don't-" I squeak with my last few breaths, "Don't you dare!"

She doesn't.

With her mouth already back on mine she keeps stroking me until it all becomes too much. Until my toes curl, my body shakes and jolts, and bright colors appear behind my lids.

Until for a brief moment I'm no longer here...

My heart still races when I blink and slowly open my eyes. Clarke is looking at me, a sheepish grin dawning on her face.

"Hi," she quietly breaks our silence.

"Hi," I smile blissfully as I drown myself in the blue of her eyes - speechless by so much beauty.

She softly brushes a few strands of hair off my forehead. "What are you thinking?"

My smile grows wider. "I'm thinking I might need another shower," I chuckle, drawing a loud laugh from her.

"Baby, you can have all the showers in the world... as long as I can join you," she smirks.

I raise my hand to caress her face. "How about you? I mean, are you-"

"I'm fine," she says, still smiling. "I told you I wouldn't go crazy. I'll save that for the shower." She winks playfully, kisses the palm of my hand, then rolls over to lay on her back. I crawl closer and lay my head on her shoulder.

"Talking about crazy," I circle back to earlier today, "do you... do you really think I am insane?"

Clarke takes my hand, our fingers mindlessly sliding together in a slow, feather-light dance.

"About Becca?" she asks. "No, I don't. I think you're right. I think she could be of great value. Maybe even save the world this time, instead of destroying it. But about trying to find her? Yeah, I'm sorry, but I believe that's nuts."

"So what if it is? What if we acknowledge it's nuts, and dive into that haystack anyway? Have you never searched for a needle?!"

"Sure I have," she sighs, "but those needles were still, in fact, needles. Who knows what became of Becca?"

I inhale deeply and hold my breath for a second. "I know. I know. It's the same as with Luna's brother. She could be twelve, she could be a hundred. She could as well be dead! But we also found Aden-"

"We didn't find Aden," she corrects me, "Aden found you. He recognized you. Even if we would ran into Becca she wouldn't know who we are."

"You don't believe either of us ever made that kind of an impression on her?" It's not a real question. I know the answer. I just don't like it.

Clarke throws her hand in the air, dragging mine along with it. "Neither of us ever met her!"

I prop up on my elbow and look down on her. "You did though. In the City of Lights."

She exhales, slowly, and rubs her eyes. "I'm sorry, Lex," she mumbles, seemingly struggling with whatever she's going to say. "I don't think that was her. I- I don't think that was real."

I blankly stare at her. "What do you mean?"

Breaking our gaze she looks at our hands, resting in her lap again and with our fingers still entwined. "I don't know. I just... How could it have been? I was in Polis, fighting for my life."

"Physically!" I cry out, louder than I want to. "Your body was in Polis. Your consciousness - the actual you - was in the City. With me! Or... or don't you believe that either?"

She swallows. "I don't know," she says again, her voice thin and full of doubt. "How do I know?"

I push myself further up till I sit up straight. "Because I'm telling you! Because I know for sure I was there, by your side, and because we're sharing the same memories about it," I rant. "Clarke, look at me. It was real, okay. It has to be!"

Her eyes find mine again. "Why?"

"Because..." Suddenly overtaken by emotions my throat closes up, and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. Trying to blink them away I take a deep breath. "Because that's where you told me you loved me."

To my relief she doesn't tell me wrong. In fact she doesn't say anything at all. She just lightly squeezes my hand, encouraging me to go on. Which I do.

"And- And even though you pulled the switch like three minutes later, erasing everything, including my memory, those words meant the world to me. And I truly believe they stuck with me, even without me remembering them. I believe I took them with me into that void, and even into this new life. Buried deeply in my... my newborn soul."

I draw in another shaking breath, forcing myself to go on. "I stopped believing in a lot of things, learning half of it is just high-tech engineering. And you know what, I don't even care. But this, this I believe. This, I need to be real."

Clarke lifts her hand and gently wipes away the single tear that got through. "Okay," she nods, before craning upwards and lightly kissing me on the lips. "Okay."

I lay down again, resting my head on her chest, and she wraps her arms around me in a tight embrace. We stay like that for a little while. I would never have guessed a spaceship would offer such quietness and serenity. But it does, and I'm glad for it, even though in the end I'm also the one breaking it.

"I know you're right," I softly speak up. "I know it's impossible. And silly. It's just... for the very first time since my life, this life, shattered around me, since I lost literally everything and everyone, I feel like there actually might be a way out. A fix. And letting go of a chance like that, maybe the only one we ever get, without even trying... it's just frustrating."

She traces the line of the heart-shaped drawing on my arm. "I get that," she says, "I really do. But chasing a ghost, with the chance of finding her being close to zero, while the life we could actually have passes by in the meantime-"

"But that's the thing, it wouldn't be a life!" I blurt out. "How can it be? With danger around every corner, in every encounter? With death lurking everywhere - even in the arms of a loved one, who just might peacefully die in their sleep. The truth is, we're not so different from those Walkers. We're not really living either. If anything, we're just surviving."

Her chest moves underneath me as she heaves a heavy sigh. "It just always comes down to that, doesn't it?"

I look up at her through my lashes. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to convince you. Or bum you out. I guess I just hate that we have to go back to that hopeless place, where the only possible solution to make things better is an impossible one." I lower my face again, my cheek flat on her chest. She starts running her fingers through my hair. "Maybe we should just stay up here?" I hum, drawing an unexpected snort from her.

"I think that hot steam went to your head a little!"

"I'm serious, I like it up here," I go on unabated, "It's peaceful. And safe. Why shouldn't we choose that? A life where we don't have to look over our shoulders all the time."

"You'd die from boredom within a month," she chuckles, "if the algea won't kill you before that!"

"You don't know that!" I abruptly sit up again and turn away from her, about to jump off the bed, yet she stops me by taking my arm.

"No, no, no! No more pacing around! Come here, listen to me," she shushes.

I sigh and face her.

"You're right, I don't know everything about life down there. But I know what life up here would bring us, and it ain't happiness. It ain't anything, actually. Just a whole lot of nothing. And we deserve so much more than nothing."

I nod, knowing she's right - again.

"We're not giving up on this," she continues, gesturing at the medical equipment around her. "The Flame with all its coding might be too complicated, but we still got the blood. We still got something to work with. And we're not giving up on the world down there either. So far I've seen nothing we can't handle. And whoever, or whatever, is telling us we can't live there, well, we're just going to prove them wrong. You and me, and Madi. Together. Okay?"

She cocks her head, her eyes wide and gazing into mine, and the hint of her lopsided grin on her lips. I shake my head and drop my shoulders. What else can I do other than mirror that smile?

"We're going to get healthy, and strong. And then we're going to build a life," she goes on. "A scary one, maybe, that comes with battles and dangers we don't even know about yet, but also a full one. With people who matter. With laughter, and love."

A heartfelt chuckle escapes my lips. "So much love," I nod.

"So much love!" she nods as well. "And we're gonna grow old and grey, you and me. And then, when that night comes, and we're ready to leave it all behind, we'll do it together, too. Cause I'm telling you this baby: no matter where we are, and what might happen, I will always, always, sleep in your arms."

... ...