MADI

"Clarke, I feel fine! Really!" I tell her for what feels like the hundredth time.

She leans in closer, her face now only an inch away from mine.

"I don't know," she murmurs as she looks deep into my eyes, "Maybe we should run one more test."

It's Abby who comes to my rescue. She takes Clarke by the shoulders and gently pulls her backwards again. "Honey, it's been two days. Two days without any fevers, or any other signs. She eats, sleeps, talks and walks just like before. She really is okay."

Clarke exhales, gives me one last once-over and turns around to face the others; her mother, Jackson, Raven and Lexa.

Lexa. I still can't believe she's really here. It all feels so surreal, yet at the same time so weirdly natural.

"So it works?" Clarke goes on, preventing my thoughts from drifting off any further. "We can use nightblood as a cure?"

"Not exactly," Abby answers, shaking her head. "I mean, yes, it seems to have cured Madi, but we also used some of your blood on Crockett, before waking him up. Let's just say that didn't go well."

"He woke up dead?" Clarke asks.

"If that's what we call it, then yes," Abby nods, "It was like the Brell-situation all over again."

"That's because he wasn't a Nightblood to begin with," I speak up, making them all look at me. "That's the difference between him and me, right? To him, the blood wasn't more than some kind of injected cough syrup."

With a pensive look on her face Abby slowly nods again. "That would be my theory. I reckon the result might have been different if we'd turned him into an actual Nightblood before the transfusion."

"It still wouldn't have been the same though," Raven ponders, "Madi was not only a Nightblood before the transfusion, she was a Nightblood before she got bitten. And we know that made a difference already. She never got ill like the others in the first place. So there's no way in telling that making him a Nightblood after the bite would have saved him, with or without the transfusion."

"Well, there's one way in finding out, isn't there?" Abby proposes, as she looks from one to the other. Her voice is steady, but there's something in her eyes that tells me she knows quite well her proposition might cross some lines.

Clarke takes a step towards her, frowning. "This isn't Mount Weather, Mom."

"Or Becca's lab!" Raven adds, "Abby, I thought we were past this?!"

"No, no, we are," Abby quickly tries to clarify herself, "I'm not talking about harming anyone. It's just... we do have three more people in cryo. Three people with bites, who I believe have nothing more to lose. In a way, it's even giving them a chance."

Raven throws her head back, laughing scornfully. "You're saying that now. But what if it doesn't work, because of the post-bite factor? You wanna pick someone healthy? Deliberately send a fresh Nightblood into the arms - sorry: teeth! - of a whatsitcalled?"

"Walker," Lexa mumbles, which makes Raven roll her eyes, and me instantly curious about their history. Apparently I'm the only one though.

"Raven, I- I don't know, okay?" Abby sighs. "I hope we never even have to think about that. I hope the next one we wake up doesn't end up with a knife in their brain, I honestly do. But I do want to find out at least that, and I hope you guys are with me, cause I do need all of you for this."

Her eyes wander from Clarke to me to Jackson and Lexa, till they linger on Raven again.

For a moment they keep staring at each other, in complete silence. Then Raven drops her shoulders. Her deep exhale sounds like a surrender. "You want me to take another spacewalk, don't you? To create the serum?"

Abby offers her a grateful smile, relieved that they seem to be on the same page again. "I do, but I'm afraid there's nothing to work with anymore. We no longer have the chemicals we need for it. Which means we can't create it ourselves."

"We could use bone marrow," Jackson suggests, "Now that Madi seems healthy again-"

"No!" Clarke cries out before he can finish, startling everyone, "No way!"

I sit up straight and dangle my legs down the bed. "Clarke, it's okay, I don't mind."

"But I do!" she goes on, her eyes wide and her voice still raised. "We're not experimenting on you, or using you in any other way. You hear me? I don't want to see another needle near your body!" She turns to Abby again. "Use mine instead."

Jackson coughs in his fist, somewhat uncomfortable. "You're no original Nightblood. Don't you think-"

"I don't care," she cuts him off again, her eyes still on Abby. "It's either this, or nothing at all."

Abby knows her daughter well enough. Taking a deep breath she nods, bobbing her head towards the door. "Alright then, let's go!"

While Jackson and Raven already follow her into the hallway, Clarke turns to Lexa, who steps towards her and rests her hand on her shoulder. "It's okay," she smiles before Clarke's words are out, "I'll stay with Madi. She's in good hands, just like you."

Their moment is brief, as Clarke is been waited on, but to me it's long enough - long enough to know that I made the right decision before. I might be young, and I'm definitely inexperienced when it comes to matters of the heart, but I'm sure that belonging together looks like this.

When Clarke closes the door behind her Lexa looks at me again. "Some peace at last," she winks.

I jiggle my foot. "You know it should've been me, right? It's my people in those cryo-chambers, and my job to... step-up."

"She means well," Lexa shushes me with a tender smile.

"I know," I grumble, sighing, "but will she ever stop treating me like a kid?"

Lexa shakes her head. "Nope," she chuckles, the playful grin on her lips growing wider, "She's not supposed to. Worrying is in a mother's job description."

"Your mom is the same?"

"She sure was... just not about me."

Her smile vanishes - briefly, but long enough for me to notice. Should I not have asked? I don't get the chance to find out. Before I can apologize for bringing it up she continues, quietly, and with her mind seemingly elsewhere.

"His name was Nick. He was my brother, and he was... troubled. I mean, I loved him - a lot! - but he was very problematic and self-destructive. We all worried about him, but at a certain point we also learned to let go. Except for my mom. She never stopped trying to protect him. Or save him."

She blinks and focuses on me again. "Being Nick's mom she did what she had to do. But because of that she often forgot she was my mom, too."

"And you needed her just as much," I quietly gather out loud.

"Of course I did," she shrugs. "See, you want Clarke to have faith in you. And I admit, it's great to know that your parents believe in you. That they acknowledge your strength and your insights. And that they trust, without any doubt, that you'll be okay. But sometimes it's nice to have them a little worried as well. No matter how old you are."

I nod understandingly. There's no need to argue, as I know that she's right. Clarke cares. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Lexa takes a seat next to me on the edge of the bed. She tilts her head to look at me, while more memories bring a small smile to her lips.

"Now of course, when my mom finally did start to worry, I didn't exactly thank her either. Maybe because I wasn't used to it, or maybe because it's just a natural mother-daughter thing. It was easy to act annoyed towards her. Save. Cause in the end, she's... she's Mom. And she won't go anywhere. She'll always be around." She swallows, before continuing, "Until she won't..."

"What happened to her?" I ask, my voice even lower than before.

She stays quiet for a moment, then heaves a deep, shaky sigh. "She did what she was born to do. She saved us. Not just Nick, but the both of us."

I narrow my eyes. "She died, didn't she?"

She slowly nods, with sadness lingering on her face. "Yes."

"I'm really sorry," I sigh, and then, without giving it a second thought, "My mom died too. My real mom, I mean. Just like my dad."

Lexa's eyes light up. "You remember them?"

"I do," I whisper, hardly audible as I'm biting my lips.

She rests her hand on top of mine. "You wanna tell me about them?"

I stare at her fingers. Her touch is light as a feather and yet giving me exactly what I need: the strength to go on. Which I do.

"My family is originally from Louwoda Kliron," I start a little unsure, my eyes now fixated on my lap, "but we left the Valley shortly after I was born." I peek up at her through my lashes. "Ironically to get away from you." Relieved that my parents' disobedience doesn't seem to upset her in any way I exhale and sit up more straight. Closing my eyes for a second I allow the stored images from a far past back into my mind.

"When my parents found out I was a Natblinda they decided to hide me from the world, as that was the only way to protect me. So we lived far away, deep in the woods, just the three of us. I remember our life as very simple, yet full of love. But it wasn't always safe out there, or easy, which is why my parents made sure to teach me as many survival skills as they could, from the moment I could barely walk." I look at her again. "In the end it wasn't your army that came for us, nor the wild animals that lived in our backyard. It was the Death Wave. It killed them, as it killed everyone else. Except me."

"And Clarke," she smiles, raising her brows.

I can't help but mirror her smile. "Yes, and Clarke. But we didn't meet till months later. And I'm sure that would never have happened at all if it wasn't for those skills. I would not have survived on my own if these two people had not been my parents."

Lexa shifts on her spot, pulling up one leg while the other one still dangles over the edge. "You know, they sound like the only Grounders who actually got it - besides Luna, maybe. They got it, and they saved you because of it. I would say I would have loved to meet them, but of course we both know it's a good thing that I didn't - not back then."

Suddenly we both chuckle, realizing how weird things are, or could have been. Would I have loved her if I were a novitiate, as apparently everyone else had? Or would I have lead her into some bear-trap at some moment, refusing to forget about my family. There's simply no telling.

"How about you," I ask her instead, "Do you remember your family - Lexa's family, I mean?"

She shakes her head. "Sadly, I don't," she sighs, "Like you said, Nightbloods weren't supposed to grow up with their family. I was no exception. According to the law they came to claim me on my third birthday. As far as I know my family didn't resist, and with that, they got to live on. They were clearly less brave than your folks, though I really can't blame them."

I turn towards her, until we're face to face. "You must have felt so alone."

Another hint of sadness crosses her face, but she doesn't avert her eyes this time. "Sometimes, yes. But I wasn't completely alone. Just like you I found myself a new family, more than one actually. The other Nightbloods, the ones in my conclave as well as the little ones that followed, they were like my brothers and sisters. And then there was Costia..."

She doesn't finish her sentence. Instead a startled gasp escapes her.

And I know why.

I've seen it. I've witnessed it in the dreams that showed me the memories of the former Commanders. In the nightmares that have tortured me since the day I carry the Flame. When it comes to horror they are difficult to rank, but besides the atrocious flashbacks leading to Becca's death, there's one that always stands out: the moment the package from Azkeda arrives... and is opened by the one person who shouldn't, since she's the one who loves her most.

Knowing that to her this wasn't just a nightmare, that she actually lived it, I completely understand that the story ends here. There are moments in life you should just never have to go back to.

Lost in our thoughts we've both fallen quiet, until Lexa promptly grabs my hand and makes me jump off the bed with her. "Come on," she forces a grin, "Let's go for a stroll. I'm sure you're done with this room by now!"

I follow her to the door and into the corridor. As soon as I'm next to her she quickly glances at me, still smiling. "I did some exploring on my first day here, and I found something I want to show you. That is if I can find it again, since everything looks the same around here."

We turn from one corridor into another, one that indeed looks a lot alike. The next one isn't much different either. We carry on in silence, until we reach a large, open space.

"There!" Lexa cries out, pointing at the huge window at the far back.

We cross the room till we reach the window, which covers almost an entire wall. From afar it didn't show anything else than the black sky outside, but standing right in front of it, it shows a whole lot more. We're now able to look down. And there it is.

The world at my feet.

As I gaze down on it a speechless 'wow' falls of my lips. The view is absolutely stunning.

Out of words we watch the bright, blue planet on the other side of the window. A planet still full of life, despite what's happening to it. I wonder if there's a place like Shallow Valley somewhere, a place that I can call home again. It doesn't even have to look the same, as it weren't the walls that made the home. It was the people. Mom and Dad in our secret hide out in the woods, and Clarke in our own little universe in the Valley.

I try to picture it, living like that again, with Clarke, and - maybe, hopefully - with Lexa too. But I can't. Cause every time I try, a little voice in my head tells me there are about three hundred people waiting for me to lead them to... who knows where!

I look down again, at that beautiful world out there. Dangerous, obviously, but most of all beautiful. And full of opportunities.

Just not for me.

Sighing wearily, I lower myself to sit on the floor. Lexa looks at me, then follows my example, except for the fact that she turns around to sit with her back against the window. She keeps watching me, patiently, but doesn't say anything.

"My parents risked everything, even their lives, to spare me from the Conclave. To make sure I could live my life in freedom," I break our silence, not really sure where I'm going with this, but feeling once again how easy it is to talk to her. "Clarke despises the Flame. The only reason she didn't destroy it when she got the chance, was... well, the fear of losing you. And I- I..."

When the words get stuck in my throat she gives me an encouraging nod. I let out a harsh breath.

"...I hate being the Commander!"

I hardly dare to look at her, but I do it anyway, and to my surprise I don't see disapproval, just the hint of a smile.

"Then don't be," she lightly shrugs.

"And leave them like that? I can't!" I cry out. "Hell will break loose. I can't walk away before there's a proper solution. I just can't think of anything, especially since I feel like I'm not guided anymore. You were right, those voices could be annoying, but I needed them too. Lexa, I can't do this alone!"

"I know," she nods. Her smile is gone, but to my relief she still doesn't seem angry, or disappointed. Just... concerned, maybe? "I know it's a lot. And I know it's not fair to make you bear it. So I think you shouldn't any more."

"You're not listening," I pant, "Without a Commander-"

"There will be a Commander," she calmly states before I can finish. "I'll take your place. Until I find myself a successor, or some other solution, I will do it. I will be their Heda one last time."

... ...