LEXA | ALICIA

"Test subjects two and three? Who the hell are test subjects two and three?!"

I know I'm close to yelling. Which means I know I'm close to losing control. I hate that.

Taking a sharp breath as if to prepare herself, Raven turns to me. "Subjects two and three..." she answers, "are you and Madi."

I stare at her, wide-eyed and with words sticking in my throat. A thousand thoughts cross my mind, all at once, hitting me like a hurricane. Everyone else keeps quiet, too. As if they're all waiting for me. Even Madi, who's equally concerned with this. Who's my... my...

No!

"This can't be true," I finally manage to say.

"Again, it is," Dr. Porter contradicts me, "Science doesn't lie, Miss."

"Why can't this be true?" Clarke swiftly comes in between. Her voice is slightly raised, telling me she wants to avoid some endless yes-or-no argument between me and this professor guy, most likely for my sake.

"Because I'm born here, and she-" I start to explain, as my eyes fly between her and the others, until they're suddenly back on the stranger in the room. I falter. "-she's... not."

He leans forward a little, his arms folded and with this blank look on his face I'm not able to read. "I didn't claim you two are twins," he clarifies himself. "You are clearly of different age. Being born on the other side of the world doesn't make you any less-"

"Raven!" I harshly interrupt him, my voice still high and my eyes now deeply boring into hers. She nods, and as she turns towards him I let out a heavy breath, relieved that for once she understands me straight away.

"Dr. Porter, thanks for the update, but I think you'd better go now," she tells him before he gets the chance to continue his explanation. "I'll see you tomorrow at the lab." She gets up as to direct him towards the door. A soft, uncomfortable cough escapes him as he follows her example.

"Of course," he mutters. "I understand. Family matters."

While Raven leads him out, I drop myself backwards onto the fluffy pillows of my fauteuil.

"He's wrong," I say again, yet this time to no one in particular. "There's just no way."

"But-"

"No but, Madi! He doesn't know about the two planets, but we do. We can't ignore that fact. Some things are just not possible."

Not at all to my surprise, Madi jumps up from her chair.

"Right. Like being born a hundred years later and growing into the exact same person you were before!"

"Madi!" Clarke's voice sounds sudden and loud, but her eyes - now locked with Madi's - are calm and searching for understanding.

"I see you guys are still questioning this latest revelation?"

Raven's return in the room makes me look up at her. I watch how she sits back in the seat she just left, seemingly unfazed. I frown. "What? You aren't?"

"You kidding me?" she laughs. "Have you seen the two of you? The way you look, the way you act? Hell, even the way you fight!? The only question I have is why no one came up with this before!"

I heave another sigh. "Raven, I'm born here. As Alicia! I simply can not be related to anyone born there."

"Well, it looks like you can, since you're clearly made of the exact same DNA as the first time around - the DNA that makes you Madi's family."

"And how do we know that? How do we know it's the exact same?"

She raises her brows, looking as confident as she sounds - which annoys the crap out of me. "Ever looked into a mirror?"

Shaking my head in frustration, I draw in a long breath. "So I kind of look the same-"

"You look exactly the same!" Raven cries out. "At least for the parts I've seen."

I open my mouth to fight her, but Clarke beats me to it by clearing her throat, making us both look at her.

"Yeah, I can tell you that's also the matter for those parts you haven't seen. Head to toe, and literally every inch in between," she quietly adds, not able to hide a little sparkle in her eyes, and making Madi cover her ears.

"Ugh, gross!" she exclaims, drawing another loud laugh from Raven.

I'd chuckle along if I wasn't this worked up about all this. Instead I focus on Raven again, not willing to give up this easily. "There are differences, you know. I lost some marks-"

"Like what? Scars? Tattoos?"

"To start with, yes."

She perks up and slides forward on her chair, laying her hand on the armrest of mine. "Lexa, you know those things have nothing to do with your DNA. You just gained them along the way."

My gaze lingers on her hand for a moment, until I break it to look at Clarke again. She shrugs her shoulders, like she's telling me she doesn't know either.

But I'm not finished.

"Alright, then tell me this," I go on, my eyes back on Raven. "You're saying I'm born with the exact same DNA. Fine, let's say I am. Yet the blood, and thus the DNA, you've been examining is the blood I received from Madi. Or whoever my particular donor was. It's not mine. In fact, when you look into it, I bet we're all related now."

Boom! Checkmate!

Raven doesn't blink though. "You're right," she speaks up after a few seconds of silence. Of course I knew that already, which is why I'm about to smug at her, but right then she strikes again. "The first couple of days after the transfusion that would be the case. Based on our blood we'd all be related. But you're just thinking about the white blood cells. The red blood cells don't carry DNA. And then there's the fun fact of our bodies producing new blood cells after the transfusion, containing our original DNA. So by this time-"

"Okay, I'm officially lost!" Madi cries out as she steps forward and takes a seat on the coffee table, her eyes flicking between Raven and me. "No more jokes. And pleeeaase no more scientific blabla. Just the truth... Are we really sisters?"

After one more look at me, Raven gently pats the kid's knee, then slowly nods. "You really are."

"That's so cool!" Madi cheers. Her face lights up with an enormous smile. "Lexa, isn't that-"

"No, it's not!" I snap as I get up from my seat; agitated, and no longer able to control my restless body. "It's not cool, Madi. It's not... it's..."

"Alright, you two: out! Now!"

Clarke's voice makes me spin around again. Her eyes aren't on me though.

"What? Why?" Raven questions her.

Clarke sits up more straight, trying to ignore the pain she's clearly experiencing. The pain even we can't ignore, as it's clouding her face with every move.

"Because this one is about to storm out and I'm not able to follow her. So you have to go," she tells her friend, before continuing in a softer tone, "You too, Madi. We'll talk more soon. I promise."

Both Raven and Madi get up without any further discussion, which feels like a first, and leave us alone. When we hear the sound of the door falling behind them and the house is quiet again, Clarke speaks up.

"I don't care if you sit with me or keep pacing around, but I need you to listen."

I choose the latter, but as I keep stepping through the room my eyes do find hers. I shortly nod. She's got my attention.

"You can not talk to Madi like that," she starts in a calm, yet stern voice.

I abruptly stand still. I don't know why, but with everything going on in my head I just didn't expect this to be about Madi. Which was wrong, I realize now, since this is of course just as much about her as it is about me.

"You hurt her. You're so caught up on yourself you didn't even notice. But you completely dismissed her, and her feelings," Clarke goes on.

I did, didn't I?

"I'm sorry," I mumble, "I'll fix it. I will."

Another silence falls upon us. With my eyes stuck on the floor I bite my lip, not able to move any more, except for shifting my weight from one leg to the other. I can hear how Clarke exhales, but it doesn't make me look up.

"What's going on?" she quietly asks.

I don't answer her, and except for digging my teeth even more into my bottom lip I don't move. I simply don't remember how to.

"Please talk to me," she pleads, "Tell me what's upsetting you." Her voice sounds more and more desperate. The fact that she can't get to me must be killing her. I don't want that. I don't want her to feel this way.

I make myself walk over to her and take a seat on the edge of the couch right by her side. As soon as I do she takes my hand in hers. I swallow, then finally manage to break my silence.

"Who am I?" I ask her.

A small frown creases her forehead. "Is that a philosophical question?"

"No, a real one. A serious one," I answer her. "Both you and Luna keep reminding me that I'm not just Lexa. 'What about Alicia? Don't forget about Alicia...' Like that's really necessary. Like I could actually forget for even a second who I used to be, and who I still am. Who my parents are. Who my brother is."

Her frown grows deeper. "Okay. So, then why this question?"

"Because... Because what's left of all that if that DNA theory is true? If I don't share anything with my parents, or with Nick? Who does that make me? Except for a girl who lived a long time ago, and now got a do-over with a different name?"

She squeezes my hand. A reassuring gesture, as she must be aware that my breathing is rapidly quickening.

"Hey, your DNA doesn't make you any less of their daughter. Madison and Stephen are your parents. They raised you, cherished you, took care of you. Sweetie, Alicia is not just a name. Alicia is you, and you are you because of them. Not because of anything that happened to you a lifetime ago."

I sigh. "I don't want to deny them."

"You don't have to," she quietly assures me. Her thumb starts to stroke the back of my hand; gently, but with enough pressure to distract me from my racing heart.

"Then why does it feel like it," I whisper. "Why does it feel like I let them down if I accept Madi as my sister. If I accept not being half hers, and half his?"

Clarke shakes her head. "I don't know," she answers truthfully, "Your feelings are not mine to explain. I just know you're not letting anybody down. You didn't choose any of this."

"I didn't, huh? That's funny actually, cause it sure feels to me like my entire life is about choices." Noting the sudden sarcasm in my own voice I avert my eyes from her, mumbling a quick apology beneath my breath. She's really trying to understand and deserves a lot more than this.

"You want to know who you are?" she goes on like nothing just happened. "You are Lexa kom Trikru. And you are also Alicia Clark. You are a former army commander, trying to unite the world. And you are also a former high school student, trying to survive the end of the world. You are a loyal friend. To Luna, to Indra, to Al, to Strand. To anyone you know deserves your support, and your friendship." She squeezes my hand again, making me look at her. "You are the love of my life. You are Nick's sister - and he will always, always be your brother. Nothing that happened in the past hour can change that. You hear me?"

The lump in my throat forces me to just nod.

"The only thing that changed is the knowledge that now you have a sister, too. And I don't know if you've noticed yet..." she goes on, as her lips curl into the smallest grin, "but she's pretty great. Which, to me, makes perfect sense." She leans towards me, as if to share a secret, ignoring her own discomfort once again, "She really does look like her big sis."

A light chuckle falls from my lips, despite my confusion and the heavy sack of emotions. "Wow, you're sure you don't wanna take some credits there?"

"Not today," she winks, and for a moment we just keep our eyes locked without saying anything else. My smile fades away as quickly as it showed though.

Clarke takes another deep breath and looks at me inquisitively. "There's more, isn't there?"

I blink, breaking our gaze, and pull away my hand. Resting my elbows on my knees, I drop my head into the palms of my hands. I close my eyes.

"Lexa?"

I feel her hand on my shoulder, but don't lean in to her touch. "Forget it," I mumble, "it's childish."

"I bet it isn't," she tells me, "but let's decide about that after you told me. Come here."

Her hand slides further up, towards the base of my neck, which I know is out of her reach and will hurt her for sure. Which is also why I resist the urge to walk away again and give in - though with a small sigh of defeat, which she pretends not to hear.

I lay down on my side, where her arms are waiting for me. They offer a comfort I didn't know I needed. We shift around a bit until she's spooning me from behind in a way that doesn't make us fall off the couch. I close my eyes again, seeking shelter in this little world that's just ours.

"You are hurt," she says when I stay quiet. It's not even a question.

My lip trembles, but this time I don't bite it.

"They didn't even try." My voice is so thin I doubt if she can hear me. But she doesn't ask me to speak up louder, and now that I've started I don't know how to stop anymore. "All my life I told myself they didn't had a choice," I go on. "That only the bravest try to find a way out, and you can't expect anyone to be that brave. And you can't be... you can't be angry with someone for not being that brave. But Madi's parents were. They tried, and they succeeded. They did that for her."

My chest tightens and I feel hot tears burning my eyes. I swallow to hold them back.

"Don't," Clarke softly breathes, "Don't fight them."

I gasp, and as I do, the tears come out, together with more words. "They did that for her, Clarke. And I'm glad. I'm glad that they did. But..."

With my voice stuck in my throat again I can't finish. I don't have to, though. I have Clarke.

"But they didn't do that for you," she whispers.

"They didn't," I cry, half aware that there are tears coming out I never knew were in there. "Why didn't they? Why didn't they choose me? Why didn't they protect me?"

She holds me tighter, rocking me back and forth within our limited space.

"I don't know, love. I really don't. They should have, and who knows they did try? The only thing we do know is that they lost. They lost you. Their baby girl. Barely three years old. And maybe, just maybe, that's exactly what made them brave - in the end?"

I turn around in her arms, careful not to hurt her, and look into her eyes. I don't find any bullshit in them, just compassion. She gently presses her lips against my forehead, then continues as I silently nestle my face in the crook of her neck, "They had to watch you grow up from afar, knowing there were only two options for you. Two options no parent wants for their child. It must have killed them. So how could they go through all of that again when they gave birth to not just another child, but another Nightblood?"

"So, they learned from their loss," I mumble against her skin. "What does that leave me?"

"Nothing," she admits. "Except that it wasn't all for nothing. It saved Madi's life." She kisses me again. "In a gruesome, heartbreaking way you saved Madi's life."

I know she isn't wrong. I just feel it's not enough. And that there is no enough. There's nothing she, or I, or anyone can say that will make this enough. I've made excuses for their choices my whole life. Not just because I had to so I could get through, but because I truly believed it. Now I will have to live with yet another truth. A truth that things could have been different, if those two people who were supposed to love me, supposed to protect me, cared just a little bit more. Chose to be a little bit braver.

"Lex?"

"Hm?"

"You're gonna be okay, right?"

It's hard to miss the worry in her voice.

"Of course," I lie through my tears, "I'll be fine."

... ...